lilbunny Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 It seems to be a common thing that the OW and MM met at work. This was what happened in my case. We were good friends and in hindsight were having an EA long before it turned physical. I didn't even know what an EA was before it was far too late for that and I started posting here. Slowly but surely the jokes and work moans became deep personal chats and then things became more and more flirty. Things are and strained at the moment. We have ok days where things really do seem to be how they used to be, then days when we barely speak. I told him I had been on a date and he admitted to being jealous and asked lots of questions. Since then he has been cold and drags another woman around with him a great deal of the time. Her partner works there too and I know she has expressed an interest in MM in the past and he turned her down. I also know fine well that this is something he does to get at me. I can't say some of my behaviour has been as exemplary as I'd like either. I have come very close to throwing in the towel and just leaving. NC hasn't been working, the environment we work in makes it virtually impossible. Other people are starting to ask what is going on and are drawing their own conclusions that don't reflect too well on him. I also wouldn't be surprised if there was a complete turn around soon. I have stopped all contact outside of work. In a last ditch attempt to make things tolerable I have insisted we set out some work ground rules. Anyone else in this situation with any suggestions/thoughts or ways of coping? I can hold it together at work, especially when he is around, but fall to pieces when I get home.
Star_Bright Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 ExMM was my boss and I had to leave my job due to the aftermath and also just to break away. I know it's hard but I would suggest leaving. Sometimes the best thing to do for yourself is the hardest. It's the only way to make a clean break. As much as I kick myself in the butt for having had to give up that job because of him, I am really glad I don't have to see him at work all the time. Plus I ask myself, why would I want to work with someone like that? Yes, I was like that too but I don't want to be, anymore, I want to be healthy and happy and make good choices. So it would just not be a good environment for me. I needed to start over. This new start has helped me a lot in my healing and I really recommend it. Good luck.
jj33 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Bunny I tried to set ground rules at various points and I found that it didnt help. When I spoke to him about it, he thought I was using it as an excuse to see him. When I tried not talking to him, he thought that was me in pain. Basically he read everything however he wanted to read it and as you know from my posts, things went from bad to worse. They are quiet now but I havent seen him in a few months and when he contacts me which he does constantly, I have gotten to a place where I answer what i must and dont get drawn in by the rest. Ignore ignore ignore. If you worked with someone who you didnt really like but had to deal with on certain projects what would you do? Youd speak to them as little as possible, not prolong the conversation and not go out and have a cigarette when they were out there, basically steer clear of them. Treat him the same. He is not someone you want to be around right now.
Author lilbunny Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 ExMM was my boss and I had to leave my job due to the aftermath and also just to break away. I know it's hard but I would suggest leaving. Sometimes the best thing to do for yourself is the hardest. It's the only way to make a clean break. As much as I kick myself in the butt for having had to give up that job because of him, I am really glad I don't have to see him at work all the time. Plus I ask myself, why would I want to work with someone like that? Yes, I was like that too but I don't want to be, anymore, I want to be healthy and happy and make good choices. So it would just not be a good environment for me. I needed to start over. This new start has helped me a lot in my healing and I really recommend it. Good luck. Thanks the idea of a clean break is very appealing, I can see why you did that. I'm glad it has helped you to move on. I've had days where I seriously wanted to just resign and walk out, but I can't justify walking out of an extremely well paid job without another one. It would be very difficult to find another one without relocating (not an option for other reasons) so I am stuck for the forseeable future.
20Seconds Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Working with someone when you are trying to stop or reduce contact is virtually impossible I think. I'm still "with" MM at the moment but he left my workplace 2 months ago and tbh it's a lot easier even though we are still in contact it is only e-mail and I feel a lot more in control of things. When we went through a rough patch it was quite intolerable at work and we had two big fights via e-mail which were really dreadful, because he would not meet me to talk it out. I so nearly went into his office several times and would have had it out with him in front of everyone, because it was winding me up to the point of madness, except that I knew we would both probably lose our jobs. In any circumstances I would try and get some space even if it just meant a transfer to another department or site if that is possible?
Author lilbunny Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Bunny I tried to set ground rules at various points and I found that it didnt help. When I spoke to him about it, he thought I was using it as an excuse to see him. When I tried not talking to him, he thought that was me in pain. Basically he read everything however he wanted to read it and as you know from my posts, things went from bad to worse. They are quiet now but I havent seen him in a few months and when he contacts me which he does constantly, I have gotten to a place where I answer what i must and dont get drawn in by the rest. Ignore ignore ignore. If you worked with someone who you didnt really like but had to deal with on certain projects what would you do? Youd speak to them as little as possible, not prolong the conversation and not go out and have a cigarette when they were out there, basically steer clear of them. Treat him the same. He is not someone you want to be around right now. It is sound advice as always. I walked into my office the other day and he was sat on my desk making chat with someone else, he has been in a few times. I need to tell him to stay out, he has no professional reason to be in there ever. I act as if he isn't there, but it is very awkward with an audience. I don't know if he is already out on break until it is too late, if I see him coming I have legged it every time. I also need him to stop drawing other people into this. I know he is making a complete prat of himself at work and I would be lying if I said I didn't want to try and point that out and save him from becoming a running joke, but I am determined not to go there because as you say he will read that exactly as he wants.
jj33 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Yeah you do need to tell him to stay out of your office. Definitely. Thats just so so annoying. Sorry he is doing this to you. Its like they are willing you to acknowledge them. See see Im right here you cant ignore me now... I got a string of emails the other day the last of which said you sound annoyed about x and I said oh no not annoyed at all (first time ever I didnt rise to the bait and slug him in an email) but I keep reminding myself we have nothing to fight about. We have no personal relatoinship so nothing he says or does can bother me (fronting it out as they say)
Author lilbunny Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Working with someone when you are trying to stop or reduce contact is virtually impossible I think. I'm still "with" MM at the moment but he left my workplace 2 months ago and tbh it's a lot easier even though we are still in contact it is only e-mail and I feel a lot more in control of things. When we went through a rough patch it was quite intolerable at work and we had two big fights via e-mail which were really dreadful, because he would not meet me to talk it out. I so nearly went into his office several times and would have had it out with him in front of everyone, because it was winding me up to the point of madness, except that I knew we would both probably lose our jobs. In any circumstances I would try and get some space even if it just meant a transfer to another department or site if that is possible? I am trying to offload some of the things I started doing ironically because we used to work very well together. I work across the whole building and it is a high security environment. I've had the urge to have it out with him too, but I have been making a conscious effort to try and not take it to work, it is pretty vital I am calm while I'm there! I was going to say what was I thinking in the first place, but I evidently wasn't thinking at all!
Author lilbunny Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Yeah you do need to tell him to stay out of your office. Definitely. Thats just so so annoying. Sorry he is doing this to you. Its like they are willing you to acknowledge them. See see Im right here you cant ignore me now... I got a string of emails the other day the last of which said you sound annoyed about x and I said oh no not annoyed at all (first time ever I didnt rise to the bait and slug him in an email) but I keep reminding myself we have nothing to fight about. We have no personal relatoinship so nothing he says or does can bother me (fronting it out as they say) I really wanted to say get your fat can off my desk and get the hell out of my workspace. The trouble is everyone else is aware we have fallen out and make themselves scarce, or he appears in the doorway just as I am engaging in some silly banter and it invariably is me saying something that he could easily interpret as something for his benefit even though I had no idea he was even there (yep read what they want). I suspect he only heard the phrase 'hot date' the other day because he made the sad, injured puppy face. Had he heard the rest he would have discovered that I was talking to a female colleague about a course we are going on soon.
JamieA Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Oh my. I cannot imagine having to work with an x after a break-up. When I break up with someone, I never want to see them again. I can't imagine also if the realationship was a secret and they were in my face at work trying to push my buttons. I feel for you all. I commend you on finding ways to keep your head up high in this situation. I have a job that I've often described to people that I must be a good actor while on the job. It involves some high stress situations where I must act cheerful and happy even when I'm not. Think of it that way and see if it helps. You have to act to get through the situation. Good luck.
Star_Bright Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 This may be a bit of a threadjack but what Jamie said got me thinking. Leaving my old job due to the affair and starting a new job has made me think a lot about what the purpose of work, or my career, is and what I really want out of it. I obviously had a problem leaving my personal life and business life separate. I obviously did personal things that jeopardized my business life. I realize now with hindsight that those were foolish choices and I have to safeguard myself from anything like this happening again in the future. When I go to work I want to focus on work and my career. I want people to think of me for my work product rather than my personal drama. I do not want to risk my career, reputation, ability to dedicate myself to the job, etc., by doing something foolish personally. I'm sure these are obvious things everyone else keeps in mind but I lost track somewhere along the way so now I make a conscious effort and it makes me feel more pride in my job and in myself. I think that if God forbid I still had to work with exMM I would try my best to take the same attitude. o not do anything that would come across as putting my personal/romantic interests before my career goals. To always act dignified and respectable. To stay focused on the job at hand and not any drama surrounding my personal life. So that's my advice for you lilbunny, if you can't get out of that situation, then just create for yourself a zone of "this is work, not play" and actively aim to stay in that zone whenever you're at work!
JamieA Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Yep, good advice StarBright. I once had a friend who had a good high paying job and got released because she couldn't come to work and be professional & drop her BF drama at the door. She was oh so upset that they didn't understand just how hard it was for her. I told her to think how she would feel if a nurse or dentist or any personal care provider had acted like her as she was their patient. She still didn't get it. I gave up. Not saying anyone here would be so dramatic. It's just that I think it's a good idea for everyone to keep work and personal life separate. Not easy but a good idea. Be a good actor at work no matter what personal life brings to you.
pureinheart Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 It seems to be a common thing that the OW and MM met at work. This was what happened in my case. We were good friends and in hindsight were having an EA long before it turned physical. I didn't even know what an EA was before it was far too late for that and I started posting here. Slowly but surely the jokes and work moans became deep personal chats and then things became more and more flirty. Things are and strained at the moment. We have ok days where things really do seem to be how they used to be, then days when we barely speak. I told him I had been on a date and he admitted to being jealous and asked lots of questions. Since then he has been cold and drags another woman around with him a great deal of the time. Her partner works there too and I know she has expressed an interest in MM in the past and he turned her down. I also know fine well that this is something he does to get at me. I can't say some of my behaviour has been as exemplary as I'd like either. I have come very close to throwing in the towel and just leaving. NC hasn't been working, the environment we work in makes it virtually impossible. Other people are starting to ask what is going on and are drawing their own conclusions that don't reflect too well on him. I also wouldn't be surprised if there was a complete turn around soon. I have stopped all contact outside of work. In a last ditch attempt to make things tolerable I have insisted we set out some work ground rules. Anyone else in this situation with any suggestions/thoughts or ways of coping? I can hold it together at work, especially when he is around, but fall to pieces when I get home. Not too sure if I have any decent advice as far as coping, I didnot do too well when I was in your sitch. It was very hard and nothing seemed to help the hurt or make a horrible deal any better (for me anyway). ExDM did that to me with my best friend, it was too weird how everything went down...one of my friends transfered from another division, we had worked together a couple of years prior...we were very close, he was just one of those people that you can connect with immediately and exDM heard that we were close and got jealous. You know though LB, it wasn't like he went after my best friend to piss me off, but just so he wouldn't be alone...and look, I know that sounds weird but when he was at work, it was like he was single, somehow work and home were two major different entities emotionally as well as physically. Anyway LB, I sure hope this makes sense:). Good luck...k...
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