Pliskin Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 So I found this site doing a google search for questions concering why my wife does not want to have sex. I have been married 14 months now and my wife has no desire for sex, at all. We have no kids, young (25) and both attractive. So at this age you can imagine i'm ready to go at almost any moment. On the other hand, my wife NEVER wants to have sex and is always too tired or 'busy' or doesn't feel like it. When we do end up having sex she does orgasm and she says "I don't know why we don't do this more often"..... but then it goes back into the same routine of her never wanting to do anything. The only time she ever really wants to is when she has been drinking. We both work full time, but I always help her out around the house. Actually she rarely does anything. I usually do the dishes, laundry, cleaning, vaccuming, mowing the lawn, etc. She appreciates none of it. I think the big problem is that we waited until we were married to have sex. If I would have known this was going to be a problem I probably wouldn't have married her. She is constantly busy with work or making work a priority over anything else. She says if she is not being productive she feels like she is just wasting time and doesn't really care for leisure time or anything. We have sex maybe once a month.........we are 25 and married just over a year, i can't understand it. I am at the end of my wits. Before I would never cheat on her but i now understand why some guys does it. I haven't, but I have thought about it. I do love her and don't want to hurt her but without sex.....I'm thinking i'm just wasting my time.
waynebrady Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Most men who are married have the same problem. Women's lack of sex drive is like the most common problem in marriages... Honestly I doubt it's gonna get better so you need to decide if you can be satisfied living with her for the rest of your life and only get sex once a month.... You certenley won't be the first guy to get a divorce because lack of sex.
gentleguy Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I'm sorry to hear that - it's such a shame when a marriage is working in a lot of areas but failing so catastrophically in one or two. It doesn't sound like you two are going to get a mutually satisfactory solution from trying to work it out between you. She seems deeply entrenched in her position. This is definitely a job for a skilled therapist. All the best to you.
mem11363 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 You don't have kids. Extract yourself from this mess. There are plenty of decent, honest, trustworthy women who ALSO like sex. Why torture yourself with someone who doesn't care enough about your needs to bother to provide the one thing that a healthy man cannot be happy without. Do NOT have kids or she will use them as leverage to never have sex. I have a newsflash for you. Whether or not she actually does have an O, she does not like having sex. She is only pretending to not realize how much it matters to you. So I found this site doing a google search for questions concering why my wife does not want to have sex. I have been married 14 months now and my wife has no desire for sex, at all. We have no kids, young (25) and both attractive. So at this age you can imagine i'm ready to go at almost any moment. On the other hand, my wife NEVER wants to have sex and is always too tired or 'busy' or doesn't feel like it. When we do end up having sex she does orgasm and she says "I don't know why we don't do this more often"..... but then it goes back into the same routine of her never wanting to do anything. The only time she ever really wants to is when she has been drinking. We both work full time, but I always help her out around the house. Actually she rarely does anything. I usually do the dishes, laundry, cleaning, vaccuming, mowing the lawn, etc. She appreciates none of it. I think the big problem is that we waited until we were married to have sex. If I would have known this was going to be a problem I probably wouldn't have married her. She is constantly busy with work or making work a priority over anything else. She says if she is not being productive she feels like she is just wasting time and doesn't really care for leisure time or anything. We have sex maybe once a month.........we are 25 and married just over a year, i can't understand it. I am at the end of my wits. Before I would never cheat on her but i now understand why some guys does it. I haven't, but I have thought about it. I do love her and don't want to hurt her but without sex.....I'm thinking i'm just wasting my time.
mem11363 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Very very rare that a therapist solves this problem. Sometimes the threat of divorce does. But therapy - generally not. I'm sorry to hear that - it's such a shame when a marriage is working in a lot of areas but failing so catastrophically in one or two. It doesn't sound like you two are going to get a mutually satisfactory solution from trying to work it out between you. She seems deeply entrenched in her position. This is definitely a job for a skilled therapist. All the best to you.
seibert253 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Have you brought up this lack of sex problem with her? What was her reaction? This is a big problem for you, she may not understand the severity of it. You need to make it crystal clear how you are 2nd guessing your M because of this. She's gonna be hurt and angry, but if she is non selfish and truly cares about you, pleasing you, and remaining M to you, she will try and work on fixing this. MC can help, but she needs to see there's a problem, and she has to want to fix it. If she's selfish, doesn't want to see the problem, nor do anything to fix it, you need to plan to do one of two things: 1. Plan on being unsatisfied for the rest of your M, because the amount of sex WILL deminish further over time. or, 2. Plan on your exit Good Luck to you.
crazycatlady Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 So I found this site doing a google search for questions concering why my wife does not want to have sex. I have been married 14 months now and my wife has no desire for sex, at all. We have no kids, young (25) and both attractive. So at this age you can imagine i'm ready to go at almost any moment. On the other hand, my wife NEVER wants to have sex and is always too tired or 'busy' or doesn't feel like it. When we do end up having sex she does orgasm and she says "I don't know why we don't do this more often"..... but then it goes back into the same routine of her never wanting to do anything. The only time she ever really wants to is when she has been drinking. We both work full time, but I always help her out around the house. Actually she rarely does anything. I usually do the dishes, laundry, cleaning, vaccuming, mowing the lawn, etc. She appreciates none of it. I think the big problem is that we waited until we were married to have sex. If I would have known this was going to be a problem I probably wouldn't have married her. She is constantly busy with work or making work a priority over anything else. She says if she is not being productive she feels like she is just wasting time and doesn't really care for leisure time or anything. We have sex maybe once a month.........we are 25 and married just over a year, i can't understand it. I am at the end of my wits. Before I would never cheat on her but i now understand why some guys does it. I haven't, but I have thought about it. I do love her and don't want to hurt her but without sex.....I'm thinking i'm just wasting my time. The part I bolded stands out like a huge flashing sign.... Has she been sexually abused in any way in the past? Is she extremely religious, is this why you waited? The drinking being the only time she lets loose makes me think there is some repression going on for some reason. The two I mentioned are the most frequent reasons why women repress their sexual sides. I would think IC for her would be more helpful then MC for you both. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN until this is resolved. Don't go there. If you are this unhappy, you will be even unhappier if you stay and this does not improve. Its harder to leave when you have children. Talk about this now. Don't wait and see.
JackJack Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Sounds like there is a deeper issue going on than her just not wanting to have sex. Maybe she will want to deal with it in marriage counseling or individual counseling? Its really up to you and if you feel you want to stick it out to see if she is willing to get some help for whatever other issues are going on. Sounds like the drinking is one of the issues. You can be there for her, but it will have to be up to her if she wants help. You could always seek help for yourself though, someone that can help give you some advice and better ways to deal with things.
efg6tm3 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 1st of all i have to comment both of you until waiting for marriage. i on the other hand just couldn't take that. But your tittle for the thread is misleading because it states "NO SEX" but you do get it once a month or so right? this leads me to believe that in some ways you overexagerate things because it started with your tittle. i am tending to believe that you get it a little more than 1x per month. so maybe this post should read "not getting all the sex I want". Look, 3-4 years ago I'd probably having the same feelings as you but as time went on and talking to more and more married couples, I'd be more than happy with sex once a month. as of now and for almost 2 yrs, I have had "no sex". Not once a month, not once a year....nada nothing no sex whatsoever. good luck and just be honest with your spouse but more importantly with yourself
Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Please don't ignore this. Dont think the problem will go away or you'll learn to live with it. The man I love was asked to wait until marriage, then nothing. Eventually she went to therapy once, refused to return. The whole 'biggest elephant in the room ever' did horrible things to their relationship. Maybe you can catch this early enough that something really can be done. All the best.
LittleTiger Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I'm wondering what your reasons were for waiting until after marriage. This could be the key to your problems - who's idea was it wait? Yours or hers? Was it for religious reasons or something else? How 'sexual' were you together before you married and by this I don't mean just physically sexual. Did you flirt and tease each other mentally. Did you talk about sex or the things you would both like to do to/for each other once you are married and it's all 'legal'? Did you 'fool around' together and save the intercourse for after marriage or was it 'no touching at all' until marriage. If you did some or all of this, was it one sided in any way? Did you initiate it and, if so, did she 'accept' it but not 'join in', or did she enjoy the sexual banter and play along? Did she ever initiate 'sex talk' or tease you without being led into it? I think the answers to some of these questions will help you decide what to do next. If sex was just 'off the agenda' in any way, shape or form until after marriage, then I would guess that sexual chemistry is your problem. If the chemistry isn't there at the start, it never will be - I speak from experience. In addition, you are both young. Were you virgins when you married, or were you experienced and she was a virgin or vice versa? As other posters have said, she may have issues from her past that are 'blocking' her sexuality. She may just be uncomfortable with the idea of sex and unable to be sexual if you are her first lover, especially if her parents never talked about sex. If that's the case, it may be solvable and talking is your best option. Find out what her issues are and if she wants to work on them in order to make your marriage happy and sustainable. Make it clear that this is non-negotiable for you. You want a good sex life and if that's not on the agenda in this marriage then you want out. Better to leave now than in 5 or 10 years time (or however long it takes) when an affair has caused major damage to your friendship/trust and you also have young children to consider.
You Go Girl Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 There's another possibility...the OP hasn't brought out the vixen in his wife. Sex for a woman first and foremost is about a connection. If she doesn't find you loving, she won't want you. Period. If she has only known you, then she may not know what good sex is if you're not making a good emotional connection. Now I don't know what the issues are, whether it is her, it is you, or it is both of you (most likely). But, the above is also one to consider. Seems so far this pov has been left out, and only chastising the wife has been considered.
LittleTiger Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 There's another possibility...the OP hasn't brought out the vixen in his wife. Sex for a woman first and foremost is about a connection. If she doesn't find you loving, she won't want you. Period. Good point YGG although I was assuming that they are loving as a couple since it's such early days. If that's the case then, going back to the original post and the OP says: When we do end up having sex ..... I would ask, other than when she's been drinking and is therefore more relaxed with less inhibitions, what else is different to the times you're not having sex? What happens prior to the times you 'end up having sex'? Is there a romantic build up perhaps, an evening out, a bonding activity of some sort? Something that makes her feel close to you?
oregonb Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Try getting the book Love and Respect. Its Christian based which I am assuming you are, so it might help get in to her. Also its about making the marriage better for both of you in general. I learned alot about men! But it also talks about the importance of meeting sexual needs. It might get through to her in a non-threatening way. Also it might help you warm her up emotionally in ways she will respond to. Also is she on the pill or any hormonal birth control? Get her off of it and try something non-hormonal. They kill sexual desire for women. Also taking fish oil, and a magnesium/calicium/zinc suppliment can help restore her balance and might awaken her physically.
somedude81 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I think the big problem is that we waited until we were married to have sex. If I would have known this was going to be a problem I probably wouldn't have married her. This is why I'm 100% against the waiting thing. I've been raised a Christian but I still thinking waiting till marriage for sex is BS. Of course it's fine if you get married at 16, which was marrying age in the Bible days... No woman is worth waiting until marriage for. Hiding potential problems, which you are now experiencing just make things worse.
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