The Odd, The Strange, The Entertaining......But It's Giving Me The Creeps

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Hello Folks:

 

Well After a good round of trying to meditate an answer to all this, I'm at a loss for it all. I can not for the life of me make heads or tails of this, it is confusing, at the same time it is odd and some what entertaining but it for the most part just creep's me out!

 

Let's dive into this shall we, I've been divorced now for 2 years and 4 months time. During this time I have made an attempt to work on myself, change some habits, change some of my ways, change how my house looks, add to my life things that are positive in nature to me and try to get rid of things that are negative. I think I might have changed to much, maybe into a different man all together, for within the past couple months my ex-wife has "double backed" on a lot of how she thinks about me, she has made some "hypocritical" statements, not statements about me, but rather in regards to herself.

 

Not to pun the name, but lets play a little round called "Back to the Future"! lets go back to late 2007, during this time is where the whole house of cards of our marriage started to "snow ball" into destruction. Back then in 2007, in my ex-wife's words and opinions I was a "bad person" and a "poor excuse of a Father" and "get the hell away from me you jerk"! Also my ex-wife was more than happy starting and continuing her first affair, late nights out, lies about ladies nights outs, so called after hour business parties, having to work overtime at her job, but never seeing any overtime money on her pay checks. She got caught by me and several of our friends, she came clean and promised to change her ways, we did the marriage therapy stuff, thought it worked, nope!

 

Let's jump to early 2008, after about 4-5 months time of no more affairs, I thought my marriage was back on course, it stood a great test, ect. ect. ect. I guess buying her and allowing her a computer for our bedroom was my first "bad move"! During the course of having this computer in our back bedroom she became lightly addicted to the Internet. I thought nothing of it at first, this is a phase it will pass. But as the days of this addiction turned to weeks, she started to Morph into someone different. I tried to intervene on many occasions, "honey don't you want to go for a walk, you've been in the bedroom and on the computer for days"? "Dear don't you think your giving that machine to much attention, you have a family that needs you"!

 

This continued all the while her attitude changed in regards to me, she became crasp with me me, short with me, now some things that I was doing in life were bugging her, she was making a lot of "just leave me alone" statements. The more time went by, the less and less my Son and I saw of my ex-wife, she was deciding on staying cooped up in the bedroom, on the computer and was engaging in the use of "Internet Chat Rooms"! This was pretty much the extent of her participation with our family for about the last year of our marriage, bedroom, computer, cell phone, chat rooms ect. ect. ect.

 

About 2 months into her "living like a hermit" life style, while she was at work I decided to go into the room and see what was up! I tuned the computer on, let it boot up all the way and started to investigate. I found a lot of links in her "bookmarks" that lead to chat rooms, but for the most part the computer was clean, but oddly all her Internet history and cookies and stuff were gone, nothing. So seeing that it really didn't look like there was to much going on here, I decided to remove the computer out of the bedroom and put it in the hallway closet. When she came home, where did she run off to, was there a "hello how was your day Zen Warrior"? or "glad to see you Zen Warrior, want to do dinner"? Nothing, a bee line to the bedroom, I'm not going to detail what came next, but if you all could think of what World War III would look like, then you get the idea of what I dealt with!

 

After this World War III thing, I noticed a couple days later there was something brand new on our bedroom door! It was a new locking styled door knob, it took a key to get in! From that moment I had to set an appointment with my ex-wife just to get a pair of sox's and underwear from my dresser. She now was telling me "this is no longer you room", and "our Son has bunk beds you now can sleep with him for this isn't your room anymore" and "ever touch my computer again and I will chop your hands off"!

 

Lets now jump to the middle of 2008, after months of not having a bedroom and sleeping with my Son, and months of being treated like a 3rd rate citizen and me pretty much carrying the banner and house hold duties for the family, and getting months worth of ugly stares and glaring stare downs and looks of death, after months of almost no worth while conversations or even talks and months of her not wanting me to get close to her, no kissing, no hugging, no groping, no nothing, I threw in the towel.

 

Needles to say, I think everyone out there pretty much sees what happened here and what my ex-wife was up to. She strayed, she found someone on the computer, she wanted more this dirty, adulteress styled relationship with another man, than anything to do with her Husband. Once again, by me throwing in the towel, she knew she had nothing to lose by being honest, she came clean with me, told me about the "other man" and how wonderful he is, and that they want to start of life of their own, she's already booked an airline flight to go see this "other man" in his home state which is about 1000 miles away from where I live, she wants to see if this is what she really wants for she claims she is confused and if she doesn't like what she See's than she will come back to me (((Bull-S@#T)))!

 

I never gave her that chance to take me back, if things didn't work out with that "other man", I filed for divorce shortly after her flight lifted off! Now years later, lets jump back into our time machine and got to the present date of 2010. My ex-wife right now is still with the same guy she meet on-line a couple years ago, she is now living with him, she flew this guy back with her to our home town and started a new life with him. Be aware, that currently I don't think this guy is making a "passing grade" with my ex-wife. For within the past 3-4 months she sure has been very critical of him. She has gone out of her way of coming short of calling him a "lazy Bast*rd". She has mentioned on many occasions about how un-tidy he is, how sloppy he is and all he does is sit on the commuter or play X-Box, no quality time with her. Now mind you folks, this guy that my ex-wife choose to be with, choose to leave me for, choose him to be my replacement...........this guy has not had a job in slightly over two years time! This guy has been sucking and sucking and sucking the money right out of my ex-wife's purse.

 

Plus this guy I guess, from what my ex-wife tells me, isn't really as good with kids as he said he was while they were seeing each other on-line. Turns out that he has some child issues, doesn't really like them, doesn't want to ever be a father, this lack of wanting to be around children, this on many occasions has been an issue when it comes to our Son being over at his Mothers house.

 

Now lately, say the past couple months, my ex-wife has been acting very strange around me! While she is over with my Son for my visits, say if I'm getting a cup from the kitchen and reaching up and stretching for it, she sometimes will come behind me a grope the small of my back, almost rubbing the tops of my buns! She has been making comments lately like "Zen you really do keep a nice house" and "Zen I like the new furniture, if I was still living here I would so approve of all this! Also, "Zen I really like you more since you became a Buddhist, your clam, cool, collected, your almost always at peace, Zen I find this very attractive"! Also at a recent high school sporting event for our Son, my ex-wife stood next to me and placed her hand on the small of my back and with the other hand was starting to rest it atop my stomach, much like she liked to do years ago! I had to excuse myself from that, I stepped back several feet and tried to not show signs of being really grossed out! And folks, this is the real kicker when walking back to our cars, to drive away from this event, my ex-wife looked back at our Son who was trying to keep up and she yelled out "come on Son catch up to us and be with the family!

 

I have tried to talk to her about all of this within these past couple days! I have tried to tell her that all these changes I have made in my life in no way shape or form were for her. I have told her I didn't re-decor my house for her, I didn't buy new furniture for my house so she could approve and be attracted by it. I didn't start practicing new spiritual ways for her to be attracted by it and try to cuddle up to my new founded actions and words. I flat out old her that nothing was done for her, it was all done for me! I don't know, but I think she's got some wires crossed, for she was hearing my words but by the expressions on her face, she was not letting my words sink in and understand the meaning. She just sat there, batting her eye lashes and giving me those lost in a pond eye's and smiling!

 

I have told her how I feel, that I'm not comfortable with her current ways and actions when it comes to being around me. But it's as if all my words go into one ear and out the other. I've tried my best these past several months to make little hinting styled statements to her whenever she would do or say something that I felt inappropriate. I keep reminding her of the facts remember Ms. Ex-Wife, you choose to leave me, I was the "bad guy", you found someone 'new", ect. ect. ect.

 

Folks, is this something I really need to worry about? Am I just reading into something that isn't there or might not be happening? Is my ex-wife going into a mild state of "fetal attraction" with me? I just don't understand this, once upon a time she didn't want me to touch her, she didn't want me to kiss her, she didn't want me to hug her, she didn't want me even talking to her! Now she is trying to touch me, going out of her way to visit with me, trying to grope me, trying to hold my hand, gazing upon me with that "isn't he a dream boat" look, complimenting me with my life's choices at every turn, I don't quite know what to do next, I've put my foot down, boldly with a lot of "piss and vinegar" and tried to tell her off, but nothing I am saying or doing is keeping her from being attracted to me, her own words she finds a lot of me attractive!

 

Could I please have some advise or peoples in-sight here, granted I find this 180 of hers entertaining on some levels, but for the most part I find it all "strange" and "odd" and very "creepy"! Please be ware folks that I have moved on with my life, I have no interest in going back in time and trying to rekindle the old flame. I am very happy living and being alone! I am happy with the freedom I have learned to live with by being divorced. I am very happy with occasionally being able to "sample" the female fruits of life, you know variety is the spice to life.

 

She just isn't hearing my words........

[YellowShark]

Could I please have some advise or peoples in-sight here, granted I find this 180 of hers entertaining on some levels, but for the most part I find it all "strange" and "odd" and very "creepy"! Please be ware folks that I have moved on with my life, I have no interest in going back in time and trying to rekindle the old flame.

 

We both know what is going on here. It's a clear as crystal. She has released that she is unhappy with her former internet-fantasy-lover and is trying to woo you back. Just like she was unhappy with you back then and wooed the internet-fantasy-lover.

 

Frankly her charade is pathetic and desperate. She's seen the grass isn't greener on the other side and is using her feminine skills to seduce you.

 

Tell her thanks for the kind compliments but the train has left the station, and you were the one who wanted to be on it.

[willowthewisp]

Just say to her very bluntly the following

 

"I'm not interested in getting back together with you, you are an adulterer and I don't want you back whether you find me attractive or not is irrelevant. Stop touching me, stop making comments, I only want to remain civil with you with regards to our son. You made your bed, go lie in it".

 

Have to add though, as much as it's creeping you out, it must be nice to have her mistake and bad way she treated you acknowledged? I do wish my X would give me that, perhaps then I would get some peace of mind.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

YellowShark : I see totally from where you are coming from! I find it very interesting and remarkable that my ex-wife didn't find greener pastures on the other side of the fence. And yes, I feel much as you do, that my ex-wife in a way is trying to seduce me. It's kind of funny, for earlier today I had lunch with my Mom, an avid supporter of mine during my divorce. I ran my whole post by her, she busted up laughing at the table! She was asking me to go back into my memory, she asked me what did I tell you on the court house steps as we were heading back to our cars? She told me, "Just you watch Zen, in a year or two maybe even three, she will come back crawling to you"!

 

I forgot about this, and what she told me today really feel in line with my ex-wife's current actions of the past several months. But my Mom warned me not to have to much fun in reveling in my moment of triumph. She told me to just take it for what it is, a sad, depressed creature knowing the truth of her ill gotten ways. Also, you know Mothers, they never stop being Mom, she had to kick in some opinions of her own, only in regards to me. "Zen, you know this family put a lot of political and financial capital into you during the divorce, don't blow it all by giving in to your ex-wife's games and take her back!"

 

Mom knows I now enjoy the freedom that has come after my divorce. She knows that I like to date women and enjoy the fruits of pleasures that come from those dates. She knows I enjoy having the house all to myself and owning it all myself. But Mom just had to go there, by telling me that, just because she's Mom. I might try to have another serious conversation with my ex-wife once again, about her current actions. I sure as h*ll hope that this time it sinks in and she goes about leaving me alone!

 

willowthewisp : As you said, and I quote "Have to add though, as much as it's creeping you out, it must be nice to have her mistake and bad way she treated you acknowledged?" Your right, but with my spiritual practices in life, I can't let my ego get to "out of control" by boasting to much in an apparent victory. For me there is a certain level of "bitter sweetness" here. Still years after I am still a tad bit "butt hurt" = "bitter" about it all, but currently I have now seen this play out full circle and apparently I have won = "sweetness", "bitter sweetness"!

 

Once upon a time I knew I was the one for her, now I don't want to be anything to her, other than a loving father to her child. Now a days, the way I gauge women, my ex-wife really isn't my "type" anymore. Granted I will always have fond memories of times gone by. But currently I am looking more forward in creating new memories with someone else.

 

I still find it funny, my Mother just about jumped on-board the "crazy train" today, she was funny!

Edited September 19, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior

[Woggle]

She sees you are moving and can't stand it. She doesn't want but not having your heart anymore makes her feel low.

[You Go Girl]

Zen, you're a good guy, and i like you. But honestly, something bothers me about this thread.

You see her failings, you see her possibly wanting you back. This could all be true.

But why come here for a pat on the back?

I suppose it feels good to be justified.

 

Or...is there a tiny part of you that wants her back? Then this thread would have a purpose.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Zen, you're a good guy, and i like you. But honestly, something bothers me about this thread.

You see her failings, you see her possibly wanting you back. This could all be true.

But why come here for a pat on the back?

I suppose it feels good to be justified.

 

Or...is there a tiny part of you that wants her back? Then this thread would have a purpose.

 

 

First off thank you for the compliments, I like you as well. I rather like reading posts from you across these boards, I think you have a good approach and have a very nice "brutally keeping it real" delivery system.

 

Next, in regards to your reference with seeing my ex-wife's "failings"! Yes, it's true, I see most or all of her short comings. Yes, due to being separated from her for little over 2 years now, I have the luxury of being able to see her for what she is. Now mind you, once upon a time, I have to be fair to her here, once she was almost as close to perfection as a person could get. The "old ex-wife" I knew before her downward spiral was a sweet, nice and helpful, honest, trustworthy person. The ex-wife I know now, compared to the "base line" ex-wife I knew, the two can no longer be overlapped on top of each other for a identical match comparison.

 

Next, in regards to the statement "you see her possibly wanting you back"! This comment of yours is kind of an "open ended" statement. I see her current activities in regards to her dealings with me. I remember to well her activities during the whole divorce process. I also remember her back in the beginning days of our relationship. In the beginning days, she was doing much of the same things as I stated in my original post at the start of this thread. She was trying to seek favor with me, the flirting, the groping, the batting of the eye lashes, the lost in a pond eye's....almost everything that was done back then to "hook me" is almost being repeated now, action for action! I'm not 100% certain, but if you asked me to shoot from the hip with a quick response answer, I would have to say that she wants me back!

 

Next, we come to your question, which is a very good question at that. This question of yours got me thinking a little bit. This question made me step back a bit and try to ponder as to why I did this! Your question "But why come here for a pat on the back?" I don't really have a good answer to this, other than to say that on some levels I felt compelled to come here and say what I felt like I needed to say. I don't think I was looking for any real "pat on the back" when I was posting this information. Rather I was truly looking for some in-sight from others that may have gone through the same, or close to the same thing, and how they dealt with it. But talk about one kick A** question you brought to me! On some levels I feel my answer to you is some what "super facial", I will have to meditate on this and see if I can deliver an answer with a lot more "substance"!

 

And now to the "grand daddy" of all your questions and comments, you stated and I quote..."Or...is there a tiny part of you that wants her back?" Wow, talk about brutal. To be honest with you Girl, in my own opinion, I think there would be many of people on the Love Shack.org forums, mainly those who dabble with the "separation & divorce" sections that in a little tiny secret way, would love to have either their divorced Husbands or divorced Wife's back, and have them back as they were at the "apex" of their relationships. Well Girl, my own answer to that is "yes" in a very itty teeny weeny way I would love to have my ex-wife back. But take caution in my words, I am not in love, nor am I loving my ex-wife, nor do I want her back "as is" in any way! I am not in love, nor am I loving my ex-wife for what she was during the divorce process! But I am in love, and I am loving her for what she was during the "high life" of our marriage! I feel it safe to say that I don't want my current ex-wife back, nor do I want the ex-wife I knew during our divorce, but I would be willing to entertain the notion of taking back my ex-wife at the time of the "pinnacle"!

 

You Go Girl, thank you for you comments and statements, you kind of got me thinking with this one!

Edited September 19, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior
Spelled a word wrong, had to fix it!

[You Go Girl]

First off thank you for the compliments, I like you as well. I rather like reading posts from you across these boards, I think you have a good approach and have a very nice "brutally keeping it real" delivery system.

haha. I must agree. I can be brutal. Perhaps the combination of a jaded love-life and reading LS.

Delivering brutal posts, I must admit, is sometimes my aim, other times simply a part of who I am. Perhaps it isn't attractive. Oh well! It's not a dating site, well, at least not for me, although I bet it has been for a few.

You did make me laugh out loud though, with the words "brutal delivery system".

 

Next, in regards to your reference with seeing my ex-wife's "failings"! Yes, it's true, I see most or all of her short comings. Yes, due to being separated from her for little over 2 years now, I have the luxury of being able to see her for what she is. Now mind you, once upon a time, I have to be fair to her here, once she was almost as close to perfection as a person could get. The "old ex-wife" I knew before her downward spiral was a sweet, nice and helpful, honest, trustworthy person. The ex-wife I know now, compared to the "base line" ex-wife I knew, the two can no longer be overlapped on top of each other for a identical match comparison.

This is most interesting because of what it reveals.

A person on their best behavior, trying to impress and keep their mate, is not perhaps fake per se, but is not revealing all.

Now the wolf that comes out from behind the sheep's clothing is quite revealing, yes?

How low can we go is revealed during the divorce process.

I like to think that during mine, I have been correct on my facts, honest in my conversations, and not reacted out of vengefulness and spite.

A person's *other* true colors are revealed during the divorce process. If there are discrepancies, such as you note, then they were there afterall, but you were blind to them.

 

Next, in regards to the statement "you see her possibly wanting you back"!

but if you asked me to shoot from the hip with a quick response answer, I would have to say that she wants me back!

Sounds like she does.

Next, we come to your question, which is a very good question at that. This question of yours got me thinking a little bit. This question made me step back a bit and try to ponder as to why I did this! Your question "But why come here for a pat on the back?" I don't really have a good answer to this, other than to say that on some levels I felt compelled to come here and say what I felt like I needed to say. I don't think I was looking for any real "pat on the back" when I was posting this information. Rather I was truly looking for some in-sight from others that may have gone through the same, or close to the same thing, and how they dealt with it. But talk about one kick A** question you brought to me! On some levels I feel my answer to you is some what "super facial", I will have to meditate on this and see if I can deliver an answer with a lot more "substance"!

It's ok to seek a little pat on the back. People here have endured pain. THere's nothing wrong with also wanting to feel good about yourself, and really, her wanting you back is the ultimate feel-good after divorce, yes? Rejected then vindicated!

 

And now to the "grand daddy" of all your questions and comments, you stated and I quote..."Or...is there a tiny part of you that wants her back?" Wow, talk about brutal. To be honest with you Girl, in my own opinion, I think there would be many of people on the Love Shack.org forums, mainly those who dabble with the "separation & divorce" sections that in a little tiny secret way, would love to have either their divorced Husbands or divorced Wife's back, and have them back as they were at the "apex" of their relationships. Well Girl, my own answer to that is "yes" in a very itty teeny weeny way I would love to have my ex-wife back. But take caution in my words, I am not in love, nor am I loving my ex-wife, nor do I want her back "as is" in any way! I am not in love, nor am I loving my ex-wife for what she was during the divorce process! But I am in love, and I am loving her for what she was during the "high life" of our marriage! I feel it safe to say that I don't want my current ex-wife back, nor do I want the ex-wife I knew during our divorce, but I would be willing to entertain the notion of taking back my ex-wife at the time of the "pinnacle"!

You put that very well and honestly. Many would never admit that they want the best of their ex back, and that is denying some part of the truth. Acknowledging it seems to me the only path to healing.

 

You Go Girl, thank you for you comments and statements, you kind of got me thinking with this one!

 

I enjoyed reading your response!