Sharing my wife

[crazycatlady]

Your "naturally non-monogamous slant" is far more in line with the nudists who take pleasure in themselves in risking having their genitals obliterated by disastrous sexually-transmitted-diseases, though it does certainly have its place.

 

Just not here........

 

Can I just point out that nudists aren't always sexually open. They just like to be naked. Which doesn't make them anymore likely to get an STD then you.

[BellaBellaBella]

Geeze, I thought some nudist's just did it in their own home's. It is kinda of hard to have your parts fall off from STD's when you practice monogamy.

[jenifer1972]

I think you may have "eroticised Jealousy" as part of your sexual template. Not saying good or bad, just part of what turns you on.

 

I would advise you think about how it would feel if later your wife would want to see a guy without you being there and actually get an emotional relationship going with him, which might happen given what she has said, and think about whether that part of this scenario would bring you happiness or unhappiness.

[crazycatlady]

Yes it does.

 

How? Just liking to be nude does not mean you will have sexual contact with another person. Without that sexual contact catching an std is pretty much impossible. A nudist likes to be naked. That's it. Just want to be naked.

 

I would readily agree that I have an increased chance of catching an std because we have an open marriage. We try to be careful, but s**t can and does happen sometimes. But a nudist is a whole other issue and has nothing to do with sexuality.

 

Sticking to saying yes does not make you correct in this instance. Its not even a differing of opinions. You are flat out wrong. Being a nudist in and of itself does not increase the risk of stds.

[LittleTiger]

Yes it does.

 

Care to explain how, exactly?

[TaraMaiden]

Two opposite opinions can't both be right.

So you carry on staying "yes it does."

 

Even though you are completely in the wrong in this case.

 

I would happily give you leeway in some other matters you've brought up; there are other discussions concerning other relationship dynamics where you are almost certainly right on the mark.

 

But in this specific case, you are entirely incorrect.

[crazycatlady]

Yes it does. I'm too tired to explain to someone who's already in that lifestyle so i'll just stick to saying "yes it does" until this argument dies down. You have your opinion and I have mine.

 

Being a nudist does not make someone sexually open. Now nudists might be a part of an open relationship, but simply being a nudist doesn't.

 

I know some rather conservative nudists who would never dream of being in an open marriage. They just like being naked. So you can say yes it does all you want but it does not and will not make you right in this case. End of story. You are wrong.

 

Nudism is a whole different issue then poly, open, swinger, BDSM, voyarism etc etc etc. It doesn't even have to be a sexual thing. In fact it usually isn't sexual in the least. BDSM isn't always sexual but you won't believe that either. Swinging doesn't always involve penetrative sex and there fore can be fairly low risk.

[TaraMaiden]

That is your opinion that i'm incorrect. So I will continue to say "yes it does." Your opinion is of your own,

You're just trolling now.....

 

although i'm surprised Tara the Monk has finally decided to admit that I am right in some instances. That is a first.

 

( If you'd been paying attention, you would have seen that I did point this out in a previous post to you, in this thread, but you must have somehow missed it..... )

[LittleTiger]

End of story, swinging and nudists are the same and therefore I will continue to say it does. Your opinion is your own. Besides, we're threadjacking OP so this argument needs to stop.

 

What a ridiculous statement!

 

That's holds about as much water as saying everybody who sleeps naked is promiscuous!

 

And before you throw any more libelous accusations in my direction (different thread) I am not a nudist, a swinger or into open relationships!

 

Though each to their own of course CCC.

[2sunny]

Before she had the emotional affair it was something I wanted but had never vocalized to her. I am not looking to be with other women my desires derive from seeing her pleased. I do enjoy the idea of her being with other men very much. I think I would enjoy seeing her let her sexuality be free that way. She is a beautiful woman and I would love to see her pleased. I am open to her being close to another man. She has told me that if she were to do this she would need to feel a connection with the man.

 

doesn't sound as if she has a physical void in the marriage but an emotional void.

 

no amount of physical pleasure will fill the emotional substance she's searching for.

 

it's an apple and an orange.

 

i would advise you don't go down the added physical part until she does counseling to find out why she's emotionally deficient first. adding in the sex part may actually make the emotional void MORE glaring and painful to her.

 

can YOU try to be more emotionally available to her? what was it that she got from her EA that she wasn't receiving from within the marriage? if you both can be vulnerable and honest - you have a chance of bettering your M to become a healthier relationship without adding in the complexities that another person physically brings.

[crazycatlady]

End of story, swinging and nudists are the same and therefore I will continue to say it does. Your opinion is your own. Besides, we're threadjacking OP so this argument needs to stop.

 

 

We have done some swinging but the one thing you can't accuse my husband of being is a nudist. It took me 10 years to convince him a bathrobe is perfectly acceptable to leave the bedroom in. Before he wouldn't come out unless he was fully dressed.

 

As for the OP, I hope our divergance off topic hasn't run him off. I think there have been some good points raised, and seeing some outside opinions are fairly helpful even if they are a little wrong in some of their ideas.

 

2sunny has a valid point as well. Because she did end up in an EA, that is something to talk about and try and figure out why. I don't think its necessarily something you aren't doing, or missing in the marriage, it might be something going on with her as well, maybe being a little extra needy for some reason.

 

But that's all the more reason to go a little slower in this.

[exploring]

doesn't sound as if she has a physical void in the marriage but an emotional void.

 

no amount of physical pleasure will fill the emotional substance she's searching for.

 

it's an apple and an orange.

 

i would advise you don't go down the added physical part until she does counseling to find out why she's emotionally deficient first. adding in the sex part may actually make the emotional void MORE glaring and painful to her.

 

can YOU try to be more emotionally available to her? what was it that she got from her EA that she wasn't receiving from within the marriage? if you both can be vulnerable and honest - you have a chance of bettering your M to become a healthier relationship without adding in the complexities that another person physically brings.

 

We have talked about it and it was because I was being emotionally distant from her. WE have mended that part of our relationship. I try very hard to be more emotionally connected with her. she said he gave her attention and was always so supportive. To be honest I am 99% sure that it was physical. I just think it could ad a lot to our sex life.

[TaraMaiden]

well, I have to say, if she is maintaining it was emotional, but you are 99% sure it was physical.... then there's still an anomaly in your marriage.

Either she's still maintaining a lie, or you have a trust issue, because you think one thing and she's saying another...

 

Now, the fact that the thought of her with another man excites you, but she's reluctant to take it to that step tells me, personally, one thing:

She may well be ok having sex with another guy.

She just doesn't want you around when she does it.

 

Because in her mind, it would then show you that she can have sex with another guy. And that's the very lie she's been trying to cover up.

Sex with another man might equate, in her mind, with an admission of guilt.

 

I don't know if I'm explaining this very well, but I'm kind of getting that impression from this.

I just think that if her conscience was clear, she would be more able to give you a definitive Yes or no.

 

Yes - Ok, let's spice our relationship up and have a go at doing something "outside the box"...

 

No - I'm sorry it's a favourite fantasy of yours. I didn't cheat on you then, and I'm not going to have sex with another guy now. I don't do that kind of thing, either behind your back or in front of you.

 

And by the way - doing something like this "to spice your marriage up" is a very poor reason.

You're either naturally inclined towards a life of swinging, polyandry, polyamory or simply an open marriage - or you're not.

Experimenting and trying new things out - when there's still an issue to be resolved - is going to compound that issue, and make things worse. It will magnify your differences and highlight the flaws in the relationship.

 

Sexually experimenting when there's still the possibility of an unresolved lie - is playing with dynamite.

 

crazycatlady knows I am extremely open-minded about the sexual habits or preferences of others.

I have certain ideas and opinions that seem to go "against the norm" when it comes to fidelity, monogamy and commitment.

 

But I really have to say, in this case, bringing experimentation and daring into the equation, when under the surface, matters aren't running smoothly, is not an option you should be looking at, right now.

You're actually skating on thin ice.......

[LittleTiger]

This seems a little bit one sided to me and I think your wife may be feeling under pressure to agree to your request, simply because she's still feeling guilty about her EA. If you are 99% certain her relationship was physical then her reasons for having an EA or maybe even a PA could very well still be a part of the mix.

 

You say you are trying 'very hard to be emotionally connected to her' which suggests the emotional connection still isn't right - and therein lies your problem.

 

You think your sex life needs 'spicing up', your wife thinks there's something missing in your emotional connection. Two very different perspectives.

 

It could well be that once you sort out the emotional connection your sex life will become more exciting as a result.

 

However, it seems to me that your desire for her to sleep with other men, so that you can watch, stems entirely from your own fantasies and you're 'jumping' on the fact that she seemed willing to go outside the marriage as a reason to bring up your fantasy and ask her to make it a reality.

 

Yes, your wife was willing to go outside the marriage, but it wasn't for sexual kicks. She's looking for emotional support and attention. That's a very different thing - even if the affair did become physical.

 

Forget about spicing up your sex life. I don't think she's interested. It may be that the only reason she's not giving you an outright 'no' is that she's worried it might be a dealbreaker.

 

If you want your marriage to improve/survive you would be better focusing on the emotional needs of your wife so that she doesn't find herself searching elsewhere for whatever it is you're not giving her.

[crazycatlady]

well, I have to say, if she is maintaining it was emotional, but you are 99% sure it was physical.... then there's still an anomaly in your marriage.

Either she's still maintaining a lie, or you have a trust issue, because you think one thing and she's saying another...

 

Now, the fact that the thought of her with another man excites you, but she's reluctant to take it to that step tells me, personally, one thing:

She may well be ok having sex with another guy.

She just doesn't want you around when she does it.

 

Because in her mind, it would then show you that she can have sex with another guy. And that's the very lie she's been trying to cover up.

Sex with another man might equate, in her mind, with an admission of guilt.

 

I don't know if I'm explaining this very well, but I'm kind of getting that impression from this.

I just think that if her conscience was clear, she would be more able to give you a definitive Yes or no.

 

Yes - Ok, let's spice our relationship up and have a go at doing something "outside the box"...

 

No - I'm sorry it's a favourite fantasy of yours. I didn't cheat on you then, and I'm not going to have sex with another guy now. I don't do that kind of thing, either behind your back or in front of you.

 

And by the way - doing something like this "to spice your marriage up" is a very poor reason.

You're either naturally inclined towards a life of swinging, polyandry, polyamory or simply an open marriage - or you're not.

Experimenting and trying new things out - when there's still an issue to be resolved - is going to compound that issue, and make things worse. It will magnify your differences and highlight the flaws in the relationship.

 

Sexually experimenting when there's still the possibility of an unresolved lie - is playing with dynamite.

 

crazycatlady knows I am extremely open-minded about the sexual habits or preferences of others.

I have certain ideas and opinions that seem to go "against the norm" when it comes to fidelity, monogamy and commitment.

 

But I really have to say, in this case, bringing experimentation and daring into the equation, when under the surface, matters aren't running smoothly, is not an option you should be looking at, right now.

You're actually skating on thin ice.......

 

Because it needs to be read twice.

 

If you think its PA and she hasn't admit it? Being open in any shape or form requires trust and honesty between the two of you. It might be you honestly don't care of she slept with someone else or not. But if she isn't honest about it, its very hard to go forward.

 

I get that you don't care if she did or didn't. But ..... you really need open and honesty before you start. And a willingness to be able to share, even if one or the other of you might feel a little hurt by what is being shared.

[exploring]

well, I have to say, if she is maintaining it was emotional, but you are 99% sure it was physical.... then there's still an anomaly in your marriage.

Either she's still maintaining a lie, or you have a trust issue, because you think one thing and she's saying another...

 

Now, the fact that the thought of her with another man excites you, but she's reluctant to take it to that step tells me, personally, one thing:

She may well be ok having sex with another guy.

She just doesn't want you around when she does it.

 

Because in her mind, it would then show you that she can have sex with another guy. And that's the very lie she's been trying to cover up.

Sex with another man might equate, in her mind, with an admission of guilt.

 

I don't know if I'm explaining this very well, but I'm kind of getting that impression from this.

I just think that if her conscience was clear, she would be more able to give you a definitive Yes or no.

 

Yes - Ok, let's spice our relationship up and have a go at doing something "outside the box"...

 

No - I'm sorry it's a favourite fantasy of yours. I didn't cheat on you then, and I'm not going to have sex with another guy now. I don't do that kind of thing, either behind your back or in front of you.

 

And by the way - doing something like this "to spice your marriage up" is a very poor reason.

You're either naturally inclined towards a life of swinging, polyandry, polyamory or simply an open marriage - or you're not.

Experimenting and trying new things out - when there's still an issue to be resolved - is going to compound that issue, and make things worse. It will magnify your differences and highlight the flaws in the relationship.

 

Sexually experimenting when there's still the possibility of an unresolved lie - is playing with dynamite.

 

crazycatlady knows I am extremely open-minded about the sexual habits or preferences of others.

I have certain ideas and opinions that seem to go "against the norm" when it comes to fidelity, monogamy and commitment.

 

But I really have to say, in this case, bringing experimentation and daring into the equation, when under the surface, matters aren't running smoothly, is not an option you should be looking at, right now.

You're actually skating on thin ice.......

 

I sometimes think maybe I am hoping the PA actually happened. The emails I saw would make on think they did. Her telling him how she much she missed him and his love and friendship. Her telling him how much she wanted to be in his arms making passionate love all day. He was co-worker of hers (her boss) but I knew him socially. We had a plan to go and visit he and his wife before the EA was found out about. She also wrote that when we visited she wanted to try and get away alone with him and he told her of several private places around his house in the woods that he had thought about taking her to and enjoying her body. This happened several years ago and I have not questioned her since then about the possible PA. I sometimes think maybe it is me projecting my fantasy into her EA, I don't know. At the time this happened and I talked with her openly that if she had told me about her EA I would have gladly shared her with him (that blew her mind). I even talked to her about us still visiting and me making sure they had some time alone to have some fun. Her response was that she felt she had hurt me by having the EA behind my back and now that I knew it changed everything for her with him. Does that make sense?

[aerogurl87]

I sometimes think maybe I am hoping the PA actually happened. The emails I saw would make on think they did. Her telling him how she much she missed him and his love and friendship. Her telling him how much she wanted to be in his arms making passionate love all day. He was co-worker of hers (her boss) but I knew him socially. We had a plan to go and visit he and his wife before the EA was found out about. She also wrote that when we visited she wanted to try and get away alone with him and he told her of several private places around his house in the woods that he had thought about taking her to and enjoying her body. This happened several years ago and I have not questioned her since then about the possible PA. I sometimes think maybe it is me projecting my fantasy into her EA, I don't know. At the time this happened and I talked with her openly that if she had told me about her EA I would have gladly shared her with him (that blew her mind). I even talked to her about us still visiting and me making sure they had some time alone to have some fun. Her response was that she felt she had hurt me by having the EA behind my back and now that I knew it changed everything for her with him. Does that make sense?

 

In other words what she's saying is having sex with another guy won't be as fun as doing it behind your back because the thrill of maybe being found out will be gone. It'll lose it's luster and appeal to her. It's like having sex in public. Part of the thrill is doing it without being caught, well for me it is at least.

[kuma]

I even talked to her about us still visiting and me making sure they had some time alone to have some fun.

 

Does his wife want him to have sex with another woman?

Edited September 20, 2010 by kuma

[GooseChaser]

Does his wife want him to have sex with another woman?

Good question there! Nice catch!

[exploring]

Does his wife want him to have sex with another woman?

 

I have no reason or information that would make me say yes to that. I do not know her very well and have never discussed this with her. As far as I know she know nothing of what happened between her husband and my wife.

[exploring]

In other words what she's saying is having sex with another guy won't be as fun as doing it behind your back because the thrill of maybe being found out will be gone. It'll lose it's luster and appeal to her. It's like having sex in public. Part of the thrill is doing it without being caught, well for me it is at least.

 

I can see that I guess. Just seems like why not do it with permission. She has also talked openly with me that she does have a desire to try sex with a woman, not to muddy up the discussion.

[TaraMaiden]

You know what I think?

I think you need to put all this fantasy, spice, daring and diversity out of your minds for a while and visit a counsellor who specialises in psychosexual issues.

Because there are suddenly many factors coming into the equasion, which unless you untangle this lot, spell a rapid breakdown in the dynamics of your relationship.

The way it looks to me, is like you're trying to fix an intimacy/closeness issue by adding further complications.

 

This is what we've got, now....

 

"I think she lied to me about having sex with her boss.... it seems he wanted sex with her.... it seems he could well have had sex with her. Probably went behind his wife's back.... almost certain of it..... don't know what would happen if we tried to get that back on track and make it a happening thing..... wife seems reluctant to admit her affair if it did happen, (don't think I believe her) and she gained things from her relationship with him, that she didn't or couldn't with me.... (still trying to make good on that....) oh, and she might be interested in having sex with a woman, too...

 

Hell... forget all of the above! Honey, how about banging a guy in front of me? Would you? it would sure spice things up!"

 

You see how ridiculous that all sounds?

 

Shelve it.

Forget it.

See a professional and get your Trust, Communication, intimacy and own personal issues absolutely cleared up first, before trying to paper over the cracks with a patterned wallpaper that frankly - hurts the eyes....!

[exploring]

You know what I think?

I think you need to put all this fantasy, spice, daring and diversity out of your minds for a while and visit a counselor who specializes in psychosexual issues.

Because there are suddenly many factors coming into the equasion, which unless you untangle this lot, spell a rapid breakdown in the dynamics of your relationship.

The way it looks to me, is like you're trying to fix an intimacy/closeness issue by adding further complications.

 

This is what we've got, now....

 

"I think she lied to me about having sex with her boss.... it seems he wanted sex with her.... it seems he could well have had sex with her. Probably went behind his wife's back.... almost certain of it..... don't know what would happen if we tried to get that back on track and make it a happening thing..... wife seems reluctant to admit her affair if it did happen, (don't think I believe her) and she gained things from her relationship with him, that she didn't or couldn't with me.... (still trying to make good on that....) oh, and she might be interested in having sex with a woman, too...

 

Hell... forget all of the above! Honey, how about banging a guy in front of me? Would you? it would sure spice things up!"

 

You see how ridiculous that all sounds?

 

Shelve it.

Forget it.

See a professional and get your Trust, Communication, intimacy and own personal issues absolutely cleared up first, before trying to paper over the cracks with a patterned wallpaper that frankly - hurts the eyes....!

 

From the inside I don't see all those issues (forest for the tress I am guessing) we seem to have a happy relationship now. The EA was about 4 years ago. When I talk about what happened it isn't an issue for me just relating past events. But I do see your point. Nice analogy at the end by the way!

[kuma]

I have no reason or information that would make me say yes to that. I do not know her very well and have never discussed this with her. As far as I know she know nothing of what happened between her husband and my wife.

 

I didn't know the affair was 4 years ago. Pls. ignore my post.

Edited September 20, 2010 by kuma

[exploring]

Tell her to give her first few customers a discount so she won't feel too guilty about overcharging them before she has a lot of experience.

 

Nice. Once again a sexually liberated woman is a prostitute. So sad...