Sharing my wife

[exploring]

I am sure this has been covered before but here we go anyway. My wife had a "emotional" affair a while back with a co-worker. Involved talking at work, on the phone and after he was transferred out of the area some very erotic emails. She claims nothing physical ever happened. I am now trying to get her into being with other men sexually. She says she wants to try it but when we try to make plans she tells me it makes her nervous so I back off. This is something I think we would both enjoy. What should I do to get her over the first time jitters?

[GooseChaser]

If she isn't comfortable with the idea it might not be the best thing to pursue. You know things like this can cause problems for relationships? It can make things very awkward, sharing them with others, especially for a marriage, I'm sure...

 

Why do you think this is a good idea?

[TaraMaiden]

I am sure this has been covered before but here we go anyway. My wife had a "emotional" affair a while back with a co-worker. Involved talking at work, on the phone and after he was transferred out of the area some very erotic emails. She claims nothing physical ever happened. I am now trying to get her into being with other men sexually. She says she wants to try it but when we try to make plans she tells me it makes her nervous so I back off. This is something I think we would both enjoy. What should I do to get her over the first time jitters?

 

First of all, I really hope you're not trolling, because trolls don't get too far on here. Not because of banning, or erasing, but many come in with a shock factor, or trying to present something outrageous and ground-breaking. And it never is.

We're really not all that shockable at all, on here. We've seen every kind of opener, from every kind of person, and it's all 'normal' to us, if it's normal to them....

 

Secondly, it's more often that not an extremely unwise idea to try to create a reality out of a fantasy, for various reasons, not the least of which, are that (1) the reality very rarely matches the fantasy, and (2), emotions, entanglements and poor planning and communication tend to get in the way and cause problems.

 

if your wife is hesitant, let her be the one to investigate and initiate everything.

 

The fact that you think it's something you would both enjoy, is not borne out by her hesitancy. I think you'd like her to enjoy it as much as you think you would. You can't fix other people to your tab.

 

You can do nothing to get her over any jitters at all.

In something like this, you have to leave the ball completely in her court. And make sure you have "rules" boundaries, conditions and provisos, very firmly in place before either of you even thinks of taking 'the next step'.

 

Whatever that step might be....

[exploring]

If she isn't comfortable with the idea it might not be the best thing to pursue. You know things like this can cause problems for relationships? It can make things very awkward, sharing them with others, especially for a marriage, I'm sure...

 

Why do you think this is a good idea?

 

We have been married for 16 years and we are needing some spice in the bedroom. The idea of her being with another man really turns me on. We role play it in bed and while watching porn and she loves it. It is just making it happen in real life seems to be a struggle for her. She is also extremely bi-curious.

[crazycatlady]

I am sure this has been covered before but here we go anyway. My wife had a "emotional" affair a while back with a co-worker. Involved talking at work, on the phone and after he was transferred out of the area some very erotic emails. She claims nothing physical ever happened. I am now trying to get her into being with other men sexually. She says she wants to try it but when we try to make plans she tells me it makes her nervous so I back off. This is something I think we would both enjoy. What should I do to get her over the first time jitters?

 

Before she had an emotional affair, was this something you considered? Is this going to be open for both of you, or just her? Do you enjoy the idea of her being with other men? and why?

 

I have an open marriage, I love the idea of my husband being with other women when I get to be a part of it to and I don't mind him being with other women even when I'm not but that doesn't turn me on. But I do enjoy how he acts when he has another woman into him. He is cocky and a little egotistical well a little more then normal, and I like it.

 

BUT....Once you open this door, its hard to shut. And most here will not think its a good idea. I think it might be a good thing to see what they are saying and consider it closely before making a decision on whether you want to do this or not.

 

As to how to get her to do it....that will be harder. I know when we first decided I had a very difficult time of it. And after a while pretty much don't look for outside men. There are a few I would be with, but those are people we have formed friendships with first. Maybe that is her problem too. Plus...she might not be able to do non emotional....something you need to consider if you want to open this door. How will you handle emotions?

 

CCL

[exploring]

First of all, I really hope you're not trolling, because trolls don't get too far on here. Not because of banning, or erasing, but many come in with a shock factor, or trying to present something outrageous and ground-breaking. And it never is.

We're really not all that shockable at all, on here. We've seen every kind of opener, from every kind of person, and it's all 'normal' to us, if it's normal to them....

 

Secondly, it's more often that not an extremely unwise idea to try to create a reality out of a fantasy, for various reasons, not the least of which, are that (1) the reality very rarely matches the fantasy, and (2), emotions, entanglements and poor planning and communication tend to get in the way and cause problems.

 

if your wife is hesitant, let her be the one to investigate and initiate everything.

 

The fact that you think it's something you would both enjoy, is not borne out by her hesitancy. I think you'd like her to enjoy it as much as you think you would. You can't fix other people to your tab.

 

You can do nothing to get her over any jitters at all.

In something like this, you have to leave the ball completely in her court. And make sure you have "rules" boundaries, conditions and provisos, very firmly in place before either of you even thinks of taking 'the next step'.

 

Whatever that step might be....

 

Not looking to troll at all just looking for honest advice from people with experience.

[TaraMaiden]

As a person with experience, that's what I gave you.

[exploring]

Before she had an emotional affair, was this something you considered? Is this going to be open for both of you, or just her? Do you enjoy the idea of her being with other men? and why?

 

I have an open marriage, I love the idea of my husband being with other women when I get to be a part of it to and I don't mind him being with other women even when I'm not but that doesn't turn me on. But I do enjoy how he acts when he has another woman into him. He is cocky and a little egotistical well a little more then normal, and I like it.

 

BUT....Once you open this door, its hard to shut. And most here will not think its a good idea. I think it might be a good thing to see what they are saying and consider it closely before making a decision on whether you want to do this or not.

 

As to how to get her to do it....that will be harder. I know when we first decided I had a very difficult time of it. And after a while pretty much don't look for outside men. There are a few I would be with, but those are people we have formed friendships with first. Maybe that is her problem too. Plus...she might not be able to do non emotional....something you need to consider if you want to open this door. How will you handle emotions?

 

CCL

 

Before she had the emotional affair it was something I wanted but had never vocalized to her. I am not looking to be with other women my desires derive from seeing her pleased. I do enjoy the idea of her being with other men very much. I think I would enjoy seeing her let her sexuality be free that way. She is a beautiful woman and I would love to see her pleased. I am open to her being close to another man. She has told me that if she were to do this she would need to feel a connection with the man.

[exploring]

As a person with experience, that's what I gave you.

 

It is very good advice thak you

[GooseChaser]

We have been married for 16 years and we are needing some spice in the bedroom. The idea of her being with another man really turns me on. We role play it in bed and while watching porn and she loves it. It is just making it happen in real life seems to be a struggle for her. She is also extremely bi-curious.

When you guys did it as a roleplay, it was pretend, a fantasy. It is a very different matter making it a reality and then making things still work. Jealousy could enter the equation between you two if one of you starts to become uncomfortable with how the other is with someone else and the partner seems to be enjoying it a bit too much... are you ready for that?

[exploring]

When you guys did it as a roleplay, it was pretend, a fantasy. It is a very different matter making it a reality and then making things still work. Jealousy could enter the equation between you two if one of you starts to become uncomfortable with how the other is with someone else and the partner seems to be enjoying it a bit too much... are you ready for that?

 

It is something we have talked about and we have said if anybody feels weird or that it should not happen it wont

[exploring]

Please divorce your wife and stop thinking about those fantasies.

 

Ok I will thanks for the advice

[GooseChaser]

It is best and healthiest for a relationship if a husband and wife only desire each other and don't need anyone else.

[crazycatlady]

Alright, is this something you want to be a part of, to watch, to be involved? Are you looking at this from a cuckold point of view? Or simply 1 on 1 is great but 2 on 1 is even better (which is often how I look at it). Just trying to get a feel for what you are looking for.

 

If you do decide to do this, take it slow...sometimes when you decide "ok its time to open things" you can almost fall all over yourself to get out there and DO IT. And that's not the best way to handle it. Take it slow, let her take the lead, don't push her. If when you do meet someone, either you find someone you think she might like, or she finds someone she likes and wants to introduce you to them, both of you need to be upfront about it. If you are together, you need a silent clue that lets the other know if you are unhappy and want to end things, or if things are great, lets keep it going, or maybe this is good, but this is all I can take right now. I say silent because its easier then saying it outloud which you might not want to do for what ever reason. Some friends of ours use playing with a lighter as their lets bail clue.

 

And you need to talk limits, rules, etc before even going out there. Do you care if they meet alone? She might feel more comfortable doing that. Or she might feel better with you there.

 

I know I personally would LOVE for my H to find a guy that he thinks I would get along with. I don't see it happening lol, but I would love it.

 

So there's my next batch of advice.

[exploring]

It is best and healthiest for a relationship if a husband and wife only desire each other and don't need anyone else.

 

I don't see how that is possible to never desire another person your entire life

[exploring]

Alright, is this something you want to be a part of, to watch, to be involved? Are you looking at this from a cuckold point of view? Or simply 1 on 1 is great but 2 on 1 is even better (which is often how I look at it). Just trying to get a feel for what you are looking for.

 

If you do decide to do this, take it slow...sometimes when you decide "ok its time to open things" you can almost fall all over yourself to get out there and DO IT. And that's not the best way to handle it. Take it slow, let her take the lead, don't push her. If when you do meet someone, either you find someone you think she might like, or she finds someone she likes and wants to introduce you to them, both of you need to be upfront about it. If you are together, you need a silent clue that lets the other know if you are unhappy and want to end things, or if things are great, lets keep it going, or maybe this is good, but this is all I can take right now. I say silent because its easier then saying it outloud which you might not want to do for what ever reason. Some friends of ours use playing with a lighter as their lets bail clue.

 

And you need to talk limits, rules, etc before even going out there. Do you care if they meet alone? She might feel more comfortable doing that. Or she might feel better with you there.

 

I know I personally would LOVE for my H to find a guy that he thinks I would get along with. I don't see it happening lol, but I would love it.

 

So there's my next batch of advice.

 

I am looking at this from a voyeur and joining in point of view. Being a part of it but having the passion be driven by her experience with him. I have been taking it slow (sometimes i think too slow). I did meet a guy online I thought she would like and she has chatted with him a couple times. The issue there is she is very much a face to face person and the "creepy" factor of guys in chat rooms sort of derails her.

[GooseChaser]

I don't see how that is possible to never desire another person your entire life

Yeah, maybe you will desire someone else, but it's one thing to be attracted to them, and another thing to act on it. It's all about self-restraint and respecting your vows to your wife-- one of the most important people in your life. When you married your wife you promised to be faithful to her for life. If you aren't happy with that arrangement, you're better off single.

[exploring]

Yeah, maybe you will desire someone else, but it's one thing to be attracted to them, and another thing to act on it. It's all about self-restraint and respecting your vows to your wife-- one of the most important people in your life. When you married your wife you promised to be faithful to her for life. If you aren't happy with that arrangement, you're better off single.

 

While I respect your opinion I disagree. I think that there is room for more in a marriage. The "definition" of marriage is a very narrow one created by religious organizations looking to control women. The woman was held to standards for centuries that the men could skirt around. In many areas of the world today women are being controlled through the "gift" of marriage. Me talking openly with her about my desires is being faithful to her. I am talking openly about one of the most important parts of marriage, sexual satisfaction. If more people openly discussed how they felt or what they were interested in with their spouse the divorce rate probably wouldn't be any where near where it is today. Instead we have created an institution that seeks to control you and tell you what is right for you. Besides how do you know what my vows were at my wedding?

[GooseChaser]

While I respect your opinion I disagree. I think that there is room for more in a marriage. The "definition" of marriage is a very narrow one created by religious organizations looking to control women. The woman was held to standards for centuries that the men could skirt around. In many areas of the world today women are being controlled through the "gift" of marriage. Me talking openly with her about my desires is being faithful to her. I am talking openly about one of the most important parts of marriage, sexual satisfaction. If more people openly discussed how they felt or what they were interested in with their spouse the divorce rate probably wouldn't be any where near where it is today. Instead we have created an institution that seeks to control you and tell you what is right for you. Besides how do you know what my vows were at my wedding?

Most weddings have shared vows. Of course I don't know your exact vows.

 

Well, just find out how your wife feels about it, then. People can be perfectly happy in a marriage only having access to their partner, but people are different. If you want to find out, have a good talk with her about it. Don't pressure her to get into an open marriage if she isn't comfortable with it, though.

[TaraMaiden]

It is best and healthiest for a relationship if a husband and wife only desire each other and don't need anyone else.

 

This is a mistaken view.

There is absolutely no evidence, and nothing to prove that what you say is correct or even remotely accurate. if this were the case, affairs, infidelity and cheating would not be commonplace laments on LS.

In actual fact (and we're in danger of doing this to death, here) it's an established fact that not only is Monogamy not natural among mammals, but also that human beings are not monogamous.

 

To desire and need only one person for the duration of a long, life-time marriage is unnatural and unrealistic. We all need multiple people in all aspects of life to continue a life of equilibrium. All spheres of life require interaction with more than one person. Sexual satisfaction is one such area.

If we really only ever needed one person, we'd all still be with the first person we fell in love with.

 

But yet she feels "safe" cheating on you by having an emotional affair and possibly a physical affair?

 

No, the possibility of a physical affair is being touted by the OP. If you read the posts, the OP's wife is uncomfortable with this.

You're making something out of nothing, and 'blame-shifting' as it were, all onto her.

 

I guess you're not "Bitter Man" for nothing.....

 

It would be wiser to not evaluate everybody else's experiences by your own, because it's a singular experience, and one not shared by anyone else. Therefore to put your naturally biased slant on it, is unproductive.

 

If I may be so bold....

[GooseChaser]

This is a mistaken view.

There is absolutely no evidence, and nothing to prove that what you say is correct or even remotely accurate. if this were the case, affairs, infidelity and cheating would not be commonplace laments on LS.

In actual fact (and we're in danger of doing this to death, here) it's an established fact that not only is Monogamy not natural among mammals, but also that human beings are not monogamous.

 

To desire and need only one person for the duration of a long, life-time marriage is unnatural and unrealistic. We all need multiple people in all aspects of life to continue a life of equilibrium. All spheres of life require interaction with more than one person. Sexual satisfaction is one such area.

If we really only ever needed one person, we'd all still be with the first person we fell in love with.

Again, it may be NATURAL to be attracted to and want other people, but what we actually DO is another matter. We have freedom when we're single and dating, and when we are in a relationship, we can always leave if we desire. In a MARRIAGE, however, the two people promise to be faithful to the other for life. Am I wrong? When we are in relationships, THAT is when we experiment with different women to find the ONE that we want to stay with. For life. If they get to a point where they are no longer happy with only each other, they can agree to see others-- and face the consequences-- or divorce.

 

People can always have sexual freedom in a marriage if that's what they agree on. Doesn't mean it's the best thing for the well-being of the marriage.

Edited September 18, 2010 by GooseChaser

[TaraMaiden]

Again, it may be NATURAL to be attracted to and want other people, but what we actually DO is another matter. We have freedom when we're single and dating, and when we are in a relationship, we can always leave if we desire. In a MARRIAGE, however, the two people promise to be faithful to the other for life. Am I wrong? When we are in relationships, THAT is when we experiment with different women to find the ONE that we want to stay with. For life. If they get to a point where they are no longer happy with only each other, they can agree to see others-- and face the consequences-- or divorce.

 

People can always have sexual freedom in a marriage if that's what they agree on. Doesn't mean it's the best thing for the well-being of the marriage.

 

Here, I must agree with you 100%.

And indeed you will see from previous comments along these lines that I have always advocated openness and honesty, before infidelity and cheating. In fact, infidelity, cheating and lying are absolutely off the page....

 

To reiterate:

Monogamy is not a natural state for people to adhere to.

That said, if you made that promise - then don't break it.

If you can't keep a promise or adhere to a vow, really, you shouldn't have made it in the first place, which is why, if you find yourself in a position of that possibility - you should be up-front, honest and end the marriage.

To deceive somebody and fully intend to betray them and go behind their backs, is unforgivable.

 

This isn't the scenario here, however.

There is no physical infidelity suggested (although the OP did mention his wife's EA in his opening post) but a consensual expansion of their relationship.

[crazycatlady]

I am looking at this from a voyeur and joining in point of view. Being a part of it but having the passion be driven by her experience with him. I have been taking it slow (sometimes i think too slow). I did meet a guy online I thought she would like and she has chatted with him a couple times. The issue there is she is very much a face to face person and the "creepy" factor of guys in chat rooms sort of derails her.

 

There is a lot of creepy factor in chat room guys. I swear my H must have some magic charm or something because he does great meeting women who are really lovely ladies, physically and inside, I have enjoyed meeting all of them. But the one or two times I've tried with guys I'm almost instantly repulsed by them. So I get your wife's issues.

 

I know I would not like to be pushed into doing something like this. And I wish I hadn't pushed myself into doing things right away when we first started swinging - which I don't really consider what we do now really to be swinging, not in my mind really. He didn't push me, I pushed myself, and eh...just didn't have as much fun as I had hoped. So give her time, maybe try and find someone no one line. On line tend to push the sex and that's off putting to some women. The sexy flirty chat is fun....once you have already gotten to know the person. At least IMO and it sounds like she is similar.

 

But you could try and see if there some swing clubs around you guys.

 

CCL

[TaraMaiden]

Oooops! Too late! I was!

 

The problem is that you are coming from a position of judgement and criticism, whereas I am coming from a position of acceptance and openness.

 

The reality is that this poster is discussing a matter you strongly take issue with.

 

This is something his wife deems a possibility. This is something the OP wants to do.

 

So if both are on board with taking this path - then unfortunately - although your counsel may be pertinent in some cases - your input in this thread is largely redundant.

My 'naturally non-monogamous slant' on it, is far more in line with the OP's objective, than the one you are putting forward, though it certainly does have its place.

Just not here........

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, we disagree.

I agree.