How to get ex back?

[flow15]

Don Ho, I've created this thread for you as you asked for more details.. so here you go.

I'll try to keep this as short as I can (although will be difficult, so I apologise if it ends up being really long!)

 

My ex and I met this time last year, he was the one to pursue me. I initially held back as I had been hurt a lot before in previous relationships, but he kept telling me he wanted to be with me and would never hurt me, so I gave him a chance.

 

Soon enough we fell for eachother hard, we had a very intense relationship, we fell deeply in love, spent a lot of time with eachother every day.. both said we had never felt this way before, both said we had never been happier... it was pretty much amazing, the sex got more and more amazing and we were so happy with one another.

 

However 4/5 months later his friends began to complain to him that he wasn't seeing them that much nor going out with them that much, and so he began to go out with them more and began to be a bit more distant with me. This is when arguments began to creep up, as I began to feel insecure that he wasn't feeling the same way anymore, etc... I started to get jealous of other girls he might be meeting when he went out with his friends. Its not that I didnt trust him (but because ex's have cheated on me in the past) I did become a bit more suspicious. Also because I felt like I was losing him slowly, I would hold onto him tighter and became more clingy.

 

This made us argue and caused us to drift apart, and eventually he wanted us to take a break for a few days. I understood because I could see how I was starting to become more clingy and starting to trust him less than I used to... so I tried to work on myself, but after a few days he told me he made a mistake and desperately wanted us to be back to how we used to be.

 

After this we had our final exams at university, and we were both extremely stressed and arguments crept up once again... because he was soo stressed out he said he couldn't take the arguing anymore and ended it. I was obviously distraught. I begged for him to take me back and give us another chance, I just wanted us to be as happy as we were at the beginning. But he kept saying he just couldn't be in a relationship.

 

We agreed we didn't want to lose eachother in our lives. We agreed to keep in touch, because he knew I wanted him back and he said that he was sure we'd end up together.

 

For 2 months I waited for him to take me back, we spoke nearly every day, and after the first month of our separation I could sense he wanted me back.

He kept telling me how much he missed me and wanted to see me and he was having second thoughts, and wondered if we would ever work again.

I told him that if we both want to make it work then it will, and if we really love each other we should give eachother that chance.

 

He finally told me he did want us to have another chance as we still loved eachother and missed eachother so much, he said that if we didn't work out then at least we knew we gave it another shot and that if it didn't work and we can finally move on with our lives.

 

I was so happy and so excited to see him, when we reunited it was amazing, and felt just like old times. However I expected us to talk about the previous break up as I never really understood why it ended if he still loved me, and told me all the time how amazing and special I was. I expected us to talk about our issues, about why we always argued, so that this time round the relationship would work better. But when I tried talking to him he said, 'lets just see how things go, I have nothing to say'. So I just kept quiet.

 

The thing is, we began arguing about stupid things, and after 2 weeks he ended it. (By the way I feel like I should say that his hometown is far away from mine so I went to visit him for 2 weeks to try and make things work, so we spent 24/7 together for 2 weeks after not seeing eachother for 2 months) He said we tried to make it work but we just cant be together. He said we are too different and that is why we argue.

 

I however disagree, I think we argued because we didn't sort out our issues from the previous break up, and I don't think we are too different otherwise we wouldn't have been so happy together for so long, nor would we love eachother, nor we would have thought our relationship was that amazing. I also think we argued because we spent so much time together after being apart for so long, and didn't really have our own space. He however thinks that we shouldn't have argued seeing as we hadn't seen eachother in 2 months.

 

I couldn't convince him, I tried and tried, I called him numerous times crying to him, telling him to not give up on love, to remember the good amazing times we had... He just said that the sexual chemistry we have is amazing but not enough...

 

I just don't understand him cos he's trying to make out that we don't get along at all, but its not true. We do get along well and we have a laugh, and yes the chemistry is amazing.... but i believe these arguments happened cos I felt that he took me for granted, because I always went back to him, and always waited for him.. He basically treated me like a doormat, and I feel if we had sorted out our issues we would have been fine.

Anyway I eventually decided to leave him alone as I knew I was going the wrong way about trying to get him back, and he was getting pretty annoyed with me calling him, texting him, emailing him etc... So I have now kept NC for a week... He hasn't tried to contact me, nor has he told me anything about not wanting to lose me, like last time when we broke up.

 

I was hoping to keep the NC for another few weeks,and then contact him again when I felt I had worked on myself and my life and feeling more emotionally stable, to try and rebuild a friendly relationship.

 

Do you think this is the right way to go about it? Or should I not bother at all, seeing as he doesn't seem interested. How can he lose so much interest if he apparently loved me so much? Should I wait till he contacts me? What if he never does?

 

I wanted to know what your techniques/strategies were to get your ex back.

 

Thank you! and sorry for the long post!!!

Edited September 18, 2010 by flow15

[Don Ho]

You should have posted this for you and also for other members' advice. So basically you did what a lot of guys do when they get into a relationship with a woman. You became insecure, clingy, whiny, jealous and a pain in the ass.

 

He tried to give it a chance, just "dating" you (correct move for a reconciliation), but you couldn't handle that and had to re-hash the past and be difficult. Instead of going with the flow and easing up, you returned to your old patterns.

 

I don't know that your situation is salvageable. You have a lot of work to do on YOU. I think that's going to take much longer than a month. I think even if you talked him into coming back, your old behaviors would return shortly and he would dump you again. You could maybe fake it a week or two, but those behaviors would start to resurface.

 

I think you better look, not such much as getting him back, but fixing yourself and your problems with your insecurities. No guy is going to want to deal with that for any length of time. Sista, you have to do NC for YOU and not with the intention of getting him back. You need to, as I said, fix YOU. In my opinion, you're not going to get any guy (except an equally insecure one) to keep you around for long. So. No Contact, get some counseling if you have to, move on and get yourself fixed.

[jholt]

The same thing happened with me and my ex. From the day we first met, we were inseperable. We would spend every day together and we were both so happy. I know exactly how you guys felt, as the same thing happened to us. To make things worse, we live in a boring town where all of our friends have left to go to university in other cities.. giving us even more reason to spend all the time together. Our schools were very close to eachother too, so we basically always got to see eachother. This went on for about a year and a half, and we were both still really happy. But then, he started have these feelings were he didnt want to be in a relationship anymore and he was really confused with what he wanted. We kept going on for about 2 more months, but then we started to fight more. Whenever we would go out together, he would always just leave me and ignore me for the whole night. I obviously didnt like this, so we would fight and I would end up crying. Other than that, we never faught.

We eventually decided that we should break up, and take some space to think and be ourselves. It was really hard, I missed him like crazy.. I still do.

After a couple days of no talking, or barely talking, we somehow started to talk to eachother.. and I told him how I had learned some things since the break up. What I learned is that balance is essential! As much as you want to spend all the time with your bf, you have to make sure that you leave space for yourself. It is important to spend time apart, or you will end up driving eachother crazy or becoming uninterested. Guys like to go out and have fun with their other friends, and do stuff that us girls would probably find stupid. But anyways, the main point is that it is important that you spend time apart. That is healthy. You will also notice that when you do spend time together, you enjoy eachothers company more and have more to talk about. It is also important that when you guys do hang out, that you guys are proactive and spend quality time together, not just watch tv or whatever. You have to be able to trust him, he is an individual person and he needs to learn and discover things on his own sometimes. Until you are completely fine with him going out without you, your relationship will never work. I think you should not talk to him, and spend time realizing who you are and making yourself a better person. When you decide that you are ready to allow yourself to spend time apart from your boyfriend... contact him and tell him what you learned. It may just work..

 

I think it worked for me, but we are still working things out so i dont want to talk so soon. Right now he is away for the weekend partying with his friends... I miss him a lot and I want to contact him, but I know that that wont make things any better. I have to give him his space.

 

Anyways, good luck! I hope it goes well, because I am in your shoes as well

[Don Ho]

See Flow? Another example of too much and too much. You stifled each other. Plus you stifled him and were insecure. It seems to me that people that have happy, long term relationships or marriages still have their own friends, hobbies and interests; the guys have poker nights and the gals have shopping days. As jholt said, that is healthy. At this point I don't think you can "undo" what has been done. Only time and space MIGHT help that. A week or two won't do. You need to start working on yourself for YOU. Even if you do not get back, you will be in a much better position for a more successful relationship next time .... and there will be a next time!

[Billie The Puppet]

See Flow? Another example of too much and too much. You stifled each other. Plus you stifled him and were insecure. It seems to me that people that have happy, long term relationships or marriages still have their own friends, hobbies and interests; the guys have poker nights and the gals have shopping days. As jholt said, that is healthy. At this point I don't think you can "undo" what has been done. Only time and space MIGHT help that. A week or two won't do. You need to start working on yourself for YOU. Even if you do not get back, you will be in a much better position for a more successful relationship next time .... and there will be a next time!

 

Too much is too much is right here is my example:

 

Highjack begins:

 

My ex's sister and sister's fiancé spend every weekend together, I got accustomed to the same thing with my ex since all 4 of us don't live together (well the sisters do). I had a few occasions where I wanted to do something else and the GF bitched so I caved in and went over. Well guess what she went on a "break" after the very same weekend I caved. I guess I put her up on a pedestal without realizing it compromising my own values. Funny thing is when she wanted a weekend to do something I gave it to her.

 

We resolve the break or so I thought but then I got insecure and needy when she started mentioning plans we have made together and doesn't include me as she wants it as a "girls night" that just so happened to be her birthday weekend too so the more I think about it it's like she was setting me up to break up with her. I didn't but we ended up breaking up anyways after I find an email and question her about it. I wish I had found LS before then. I know what I would have done now but it's too late. However the first few days after the break up it seemed to be on a path to reconcile then it went cold again. Up until 2 weeks ago we were on limited contact where the things she would say would confuse the **** out of me. She would bring up guys, and say you don't have to worry she is not looking for a relationship. The word worry is what got to me like she is planting in my head she wants me to or that she wants me back. I acted on every sign and hit a wall. 2 weeks ago I started No Contact however I sent her an email explaining I wanted this so I asked her not to contact me unless she has something really important to say or is in dire need of a friend (Big mistake especially since I had found LS by this time). There has been no contact from either side although I will admit I have her on facebook still and msn and her MSN statuses seem to be sending messages directly to me how happy she is with life. (My ex has never been happy with life before me, or while with me) She is seen as a Black Sheep in her family as I am sort of with mine so we had a common ground.

 

I understand true NC is to rid of MSN and FB but I haven't gotten the need to rid them yet. I also am not retaliating in a status war etc. Besides this info will still make it's way to me because we have a lot of mutual friends.

 

Tomorrow begins week 3 of NC.

 

I want her but the her I want is no longer. I remember the good times and right now they put a smile on my face, I am not saddened by these anymore I can't explain why. I don't want to contact her because I don't want to be resetting my recovery as I think I am doing better although I am still very antisocial at the moment and at a lot of times thinking of her. That's why I am on these forums right. Other peoples stories help and it's weird I can give advice but when it comes to my own it's hard to follow through.

 

I'm just starting to see the traits that are negative about her and I'll list them

Creating such a list helps healing:

 

- She is a casual drinker (Now it's not bad but it's when she preaches to me I don't have fun because I don't drink as much) It bothers me because I can have just as much fun sober with her and her drinking friends I don't need to drink to fit in. I do have certain drinks of choice Jaggerbombs, and rye and coke. I am not big on the beer as she is. I am also past the stage of drinking to get drunk. Personally I don't see how this effects her or I a relationship shouldn't be based on drinking.

 

- Daily smoker I have told her I would have never gotten with her had I known she smoked and it's semi hypocritical of me as I use to be one. I found out she was a smoker later because she hid it from me. Once I found out I didn't leave her because I let it pass. (I told her before we were together I didn't find smokers attractive) Kissing a smoker is not so pleasant for a non smoker but my love for her let it slide. What bothered me is when we discussed the future and she was complaining I haven't gotten a physical and she would really like to know if her partner is sick and dying. My beliefs were I rather not live life knowing I am dying etc but to be honest she is right here I should have check ups etc and I have changed that aspect for me. However I was like you are one to talk when you are damaging your health by smoking.

 

- She is very self centered and when things don't go her way she gets upset easily I was told this could be a sign of ADHD and I am now sort of seeing her as bi-polar especially in her actions.

 

- She dropped out of High school and has jumped from job to job. She doesn't quit the proper way of 2 week notices she just stops going. (Kind of like how we ended our relationship)

 

- She expects the people she loves around her to cater towards her, For example both of us are not licensed drivers but her sister is and she expects her sister to drive her around etc.

 

- She has very little concept of money. She wants to live in the present and not save for a future. Now this was a positive before but when we started to plan for a future it seemed like I was the only one putting any effort into it. Since I started to save "Paid Fun" began to slip. We went on so many vacations and getaways and those times were all fun because we were spending alone time that was not in front of the TV.

 

- She is making minimum wage and living at home with the cell phone being her only responsibility for bills and credit card if she so happens to use it.

( I shouldn't really knock this as I am in the same boat yet I am also striving to better myself and have been able to save, In fact I am apprenticing my fathers business so I can eventually take over and it's above minimum wage especially if I am willing to work) She was making no initiative to better herself. She wanted to go to school and then backs out again due to her lack there of concept of money.

 

I can make a list of the good qualities too but it really is counter productive in our situations. I love her and am still in love with her but I have to set her free, if she comes back it could be meant to be but then it will be my choice as to what I want.

 

If: By stating if I give myself false hope

Could: I added could to the normal cliche line because it's not a definate

My: Balance of power will shift to me and it would then be my choice.

 

Highjack ends!

[Don Ho]

Ah! Billie the HiJacker has arrived again!! Have you noticed over the last few weeks that by giving others advice, you're actually getting better yourself Billie? It's like if you're a coach, but still play the sport, it improves your game because it makes you focus on the issue and how to explain it to someone else.

[Billie The Puppet]

Ah! Billie the HiJacker has arrived again!! Have you noticed over the last few weeks that by giving others advice, you're actually getting better yourself Billie? It's like if you're a coach, but still play the sport, it improves your game because it makes you focus on the issue and how to explain it to someone else.

 

These threads just seem to damn easy to hijack because I can find similarities with my own story and the reason why is not one story is unique (Though some will beg to differ)

 

Yes I have noticed by giving others advice that I am getter better myself, in fact helping others is not only therapeutic for them but myself too for the exact same analogy you posted.

[DavidWhite]

Sounds like you spent too much time together, it sounds like he loves you back. It might be a case of focusing on your own lives for a while a see if it works out in the future.

[Don Ho]

Billie, you're not getting better .... you're still a HiJacker!

[Billie The Puppet]

Billie, you're not getting better .... you're still a HiJacker!

 

Well I haven't hit indifference yet. It's also my first real heart break. As for hijacking it's way to easy.

[charliecharlie]

Flow15,

 

As you are the one that initiated this thread, here's my advice to you:

 

Communication is what it's all about.

You're telling me that he's the one who was once pursuing you and you were the one that kept things off for a while because of experiences in previous relationships. This is realistic. It takes time to trust someone and to let your feelings grow. I myself have dealt with this issue and I can understand it. When you opened up to him you guys were on top of the world, flying high for a while. That is, untill he started to "change".

Change is only natural, but hardly ever understood. If there is no clear communication, this "change" will make the other person insecure.

You felt as if you were losing the one that you knew, and didn't understand his behaviour. That's understandable.

Being open and honest about your intentions and feelings is what is needed there and then. And it's not easy, as you deal with your fear of being hurt (again) and the other person may have issues to deal with of their own, which makes it hard to really open up to eachother without all the subconscious messages underneath.

It's even fair of you to expect to talk about your issues of the past when you two re entered into a relationship. If you don't address your issues right there they are very likely to resurface when you go ahead.

So don't blame yourself, you were the one that wanted to face the reality of what went wrong and do something about it.

Back to reality check: it takes two persons clear view and willpower to make things work. Sometimes two people hit it off like crazy only to find that in the long run they want different things, are not on the same level, or do not have the same view on relationships or even the same willpower.

You should have talked when you got back together but you let it be because he didn't want to talk about it. So you shoved to the background in favour of being together. You feelings were not expressed and so they stood in the way of the two of you getting together again.

I don't think you would have been clingy if there would have been communication, understanding and reassurance.

Think about the old Madonna-song: express yourself!

[flow15]

Flow15,

 

As you are the one that initiated this thread, here's my advice to you:

 

Communication is what it's all about.

You're telling me that he's the one who was once pursuing you and you were the one that kept things off for a while because of experiences in previous relationships. This is realistic. It takes time to trust someone and to let your feelings grow. I myself have dealt with this issue and I can understand it. When you opened up to him you guys were on top of the world, flying high for a while. That is, untill he started to "change".

Change is only natural, but hardly ever understood. If there is no clear communication, this "change" will make the other person insecure.

You felt as if you were losing the one that you knew, and didn't understand his behaviour. That's understandable.

Being open and honest about your intentions and feelings is what is needed there and then. And it's not easy, as you deal with your fear of being hurt (again) and the other person may have issues to deal with of their own, which makes it hard to really open up to eachother without all the subconscious messages underneath.

It's even fair of you to expect to talk about your issues of the past when you two re entered into a relationship. If you don't address your issues right there they are very likely to resurface when you go ahead.

So don't blame yourself, you were the one that wanted to face the reality of what went wrong and do something about it.

Back to reality check: it takes two persons clear view and willpower to make things work. Sometimes two people hit it off like crazy only to find that in the long run they want different things, are not on the same level, or do not have the same view on relationships or even the same willpower.

You should have talked when you got back together but you let it be because he didn't want to talk about it. So you shoved to the background in favour of being together. You feelings were not expressed and so they stood in the way of the two of you getting together again.

I don't think you would have been clingy if there would have been communication, understanding and reassurance.

Think about the old Madonna-song: express yourself!

 

You're totally right charlie, I know our main problem was lack of communication (mainly on his part as he finds it hard to open up and doesn't like to talk about feelings, so I try not to pressure him and therefore I never spoke about about it either).

How can I fix this? What can I do now to get him back? What do you recommend?

He ended it 3 weeks ago and I've kept NC for a week.

[Don Ho]

Flow, sorry, I think that's just a bunch of psycho-babble on Charlie's part. Communication or lack thereof is NOT your issue right now and I think it's misleading advice. The issue is YOU. I stand by what I recommended: go work on YOU and remain NC for now. You're in no position (and you have not changed) to contact him at this point. If you, with false hope, go ahead and contact him at this point, you will NOT get the result you're trying to find.

[flow15]

Flow, sorry, I think that's just a bunch of psycho-babble on Charlie's part. Communication or lack thereof is NOT your issue right now and I think it's misleading advice. The issue is YOU. I stand by what I recommended: go work on YOU and remain NC for now. You're in no position (and you have not changed) to contact him at this point. If you, with false hope, go ahead and contact him at this point, you will NOT get the result you're trying to find.

 

Ok, so say I work on myself and try to change... then what? When should I contact him? How should I go about it to get him back?

[Don Ho]

How about you change and get back to us in six months and stop obsessing about him?

[charliecharlie]

Well, Flow, I'm not going to argue with Don Ho about the fact that you need to work on you, because you do and it may be the only thing you need to do right now. Obsessing over you ex bf is not going to bring him back.

Trying to take back control without repairing your attitude towards yourself and your ex bf isn't going to fix things. It's already broken so let go for a while, go with the flow of life and relax. Work on yourself and see where things go from there. It's not easy, going through this emotional rollercoaster, but regain your trust in the flow of life and you will feel better. Dear to lose control, it makes your life much more fun if you're not that tight. Be easygoing, honest, clear and fun to be with.

All I was saying with my psycho babble (thanks Don Ho ;-)) is that things are not always as black and white as people put it. So don't blame yourself, somewhere down the line things got tight between the two of you, it happens and it's hardly ever one persons fault. Take some tango classes for yourself now, and have faith that you are on the right track!

Good luck girl!