The Post Break Up Scramble: How should I respond to interaction?

[durkadurka]

Hey guys,

 

I've posted a thread about my last relationship in another part of the forum, but this is more about how to deal with the post break up communication.

 

Without making things too long, my ex and I were together for 2.5 years. During that time, she graduated and I am still in school, while working a full time job and trying to keep myself physically active.

 

She got a post graduate work permit to stay in the country where I resided. She said she would give me a year to get my life in order, so we could try and move closer to her parents, or go traveling.

 

But as time went on, we each had to give up a lot in order to be with each other. She did not apply for any jobs, instead she continued to work as a nanny, which was depressing, boring and tedious.

 

She was lonely, felt socially isolated, and wasn't having a good time. I poured as much of myself into her as possible, but eventually I just got resentful.

 

For a while, it was like I couldn't do anything right, and I started to feel emasculated. Simple things like asking her if I could meet her later for lunch because I was invited to play in a soccer game started to create tension. She would house sit for months on end (for the last year we were together, we only lived together for half the year), and would ask that I sleep over every night. If I tried to leave, she got upset. There were times I would go to work wearing the same clothes 3-4 days in a row. I got no studying done because I felt guilty for letting her be alone.

 

For her 23rd birthday, I tried to offer to fly her parents to Napa in order to spend her birthday with us doing something really special. This turned into an issue because apparently my email implied that I didn't think that they were financially able to meet us on their own.

 

Anyways, I wasn't in a position to move to the United States, as it involved us either getting married, or me attending school in the States, which to be candid, I don't have the money for at the moment, and my parents, while they have are financially wealthy, were unwilling to make an investment.

 

About a month before she left things finally started to pick up, she applied for a wonderful job, which she was eventually offered, but declined in order to fly down to the US to help her financially decimated parents.

 

It was at this time we broke up. I could have fought harder for her to take the job, but I knew that I would never be the man she wanted me to be if I was stretched that thin.

 

I must admit, I went out with a bang, I arranged a surprise dinner with all her best friends, I got her a photo album of all the pictures of places and dates we have been on in chronological order. I took her out for dinner twice and we had a BLAST.

 

Long story short, despite our problems, we were both still really good people, victims of bad timing and circumstances. It's really been hard to be without her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyhow, we got along great after our break up, the lack of pressure I think helped us. We talked every day, eventually I flew down to visit her, we had a really good time, probably the most fun we've had with each other in a year.

 

We wined and dined, cooked for each other, had a really good time. I did not bring up the topic of our relationship because she had previously explicitly stated that she did not want a long distance relationship. She did ask if I was doing okay, and I said 'I am doing okay, I really miss you and wish you were back with me, but until I'm strong enough to support both of us and I'm in a position to succeed, I'd be doing both of us a disservice.' She pulled me in for the most passionate kiss we had shared in a long time.

 

 

What I did to, is leave her a letter before I left thanking her for being such an amazing person, a great host, a great friend and someone I love a lot.

 

She drove me to the airport, gave me a kiss, shed a tear.

 

She calls me the next day to make sure I arrived home okay, and says she wishes I stayed longer.

 

She calls every day for the next few days, letting me know that she's informed her parents they will most likely have to declare bankruptcy as her attempt to fix the company her dad works for is probably not going to work, and asks me to sell all of her stuff she left behind, and when I move out of the apartment to sell her furniture and send her a check.

 

A few days later, I stop hearing from her.

 

A week goes buy, she calls to see how I'm doing, then I don't hear from her again for 2 weeks.

 

I send her an email asking if she's okay, then follow up with a phone call a few days later because she never got back to me. She doesn't pick up.

 

I get a phone call a few days later, she's doing well, the business thing may have turned itself around.. but that she didn't know how to tell me but she's seeing someone, whom she met a few days after I left. Maybe the most degrading part, is when she admits we had a chance to discuss our future and try and work something out to rekindle things. But she claims that I didn't want to discuss it.

 

Really? I spent an insane sum of money to visit and left you a 2 page letter telling you that I care about you. I also told her that I need to be a better person before I can be in a relationship with her.

 

I digress.

 

Aside from the fact he's 10 years older than her, and is an idiot, I don't have anything to say about the guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aside from a brief email the following day telling her I'm going to take her books to a second hand book store, and asking her for her address so I could mail the two things that she wanted sent to her, I fell off the face of the earth. I told her that the time wasn't right for us to be talking, and that I wished her the best.

 

For almost 3 weeks I don't talk to her, message her, or email her.

 

 

Things were going great for me, school started, I've been physically active 5 days a week, work was going fine.. and then <drum roll>

 

She calls.

 

I ignore it, let it go to voice mail. I don't have anything to say to her.

 

She leaves a tentative nervous message telling me she's calling to 'check in' asking how I'm doing, and that she hopes my work week has started well, and that I can call her back if I want.

 

I don't.

 

2 days later, I get a text 'not calling me back?'

 

For the love of God, why would I want to call you back?

 

The next day I send her a text saying 'I'm really busy'

 

A few hours later, she calls me again.

 

I pick up, and what a monumental mistake that was.

 

Fortunately, she steered the conversation towards me, and I was intelligent enough to not really ask about her. She was asking how I was doing, how school was, how my family is doing, and how my brother is enjoying his first week of university, and how his girlfriend is doing.. You get the drift.

 

 

Eventually I cave, ask her how the business reclamation process is going, and she tells me it's like a roller coaster.

 

One of our mutual friends is flying down to visit her in October, and that she hopes to know whether it is happening by then because she would like to have an apartment for her and the friend to stay in. If it doesn't look like it will happen, she is planning on flying to South America with our friend indefinitely.

 

I end up telling her how she upset me last time we talked, and that I don't know why I'm bothering talking to her.

 

Her response: 'I don't remember what we talked about last time.'

 

My response should have been like 'Well then you have the memory of a goldfish then, because it's seared into my memory.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyways, I'm obviously confused as ****. I explicitly told her I didn't want to talk to her.

 

At this point, I really don't have anything left to say to her, I'm spent, I'm worn out, and she's really pushed me to the limits. It's a super uncomfortable position for me to be in. I think when it really comes to it, I realize that she isn't the only one that was really hurt in all of this and that I'm really worn out.

 

I feel that what she's putting me through now by calling me is borderline abusive and that 'checking in' assumes a kind of familiarity that she is no longer entitled to.

 

A week ago she talked to my grandmother, so she knows exactly how I am doing and what I am up to.

 

Eff my life.

Edited September 18, 2010 by durkadurka

[Trovador]

Do what I have done in the past... let her talk but don´t listen... put the phone some inches away so just hear a ramble and when she falls silent you say uh, really? and then you say you have to hang up and will call her later or "maybe some other day we can catch up, uh?" and then forget the whole thing... don´t volunteer anything about you and don´t ask anything meaningful from her... soon she will get the drift, that you are not interested anymora and will lay her cards on the table or will go away quietly...

 

But these are "tactical" details, what you have to do is decide what you really want... I would try to move on... when you really want that, it doesn´t matter if they call or not, and if you snub them by not answering or being curt...

[LikeCharlotte]

Shenanigans. She is seeing someone. It is not like you left her or told her you were no longer interested. You were clear. Don't answer the phone. Find a new one. If you must let Miss Goldfish know that in light of her new relationship there really is no reason to talk. Hang up.

[durkadurka]

Do what I have done in the past... let her talk but don´t listen... put the phone some inches away so just hear a ramble and when she falls silent you say uh, really? and then you say you have to hang up and will call her later or "maybe some other day we can catch up, uh?" and then forget the whole thing... don´t volunteer anything about you and don´t ask anything meaningful from her... soon she will get the drift, that you are not interested anymora and will lay her cards on the table or will go away quietly...

 

But these are "tactical" details, what you have to do is decide what you really want... I would try to move on... when you really want that, it doesn´t matter if they call or not, and if you snub them by not answering or being curt...

 

Well, essentially that is what I did. I didn't ask **** about her, because I don't want to open a can of worms that I'm not interested in.

 

Shenanigans. She is seeing someone. It is not like you left her or told her you were no longer interested. You were clear. Don't answer the phone. Find a new one. If you must let Miss Goldfish know that in light of her new relationship there really is no reason to talk. Hang up.

 

Bingo.

[NewlyBroken]

Hi DurkaDurka,

 

First off I just want to say I admire your strength, you've got some strong shoulders to keep trying to tough it out with this Lady after going through this ordeal; it's extremely harrowing to stand up and continue being a Good Man when things aren't going well...

 

As for your situation, I KNOW firsthand how it feels when you receive those d@mn calls, and while it is painful not to pick up the phone (because you still LOVE & CARE for that person like they never left), you must attempt to remind yourself not to give in; it only hurts more when you do...More importantly, when you give in and pick up the phone, understand that your genuine concern will only provide her with reassurance that she has "power" over you...Please don't get pulled back in, EVER...

 

Lastly I want to say THANK YOU for sharing your kind words regarding my own break-up story...I'm crawling to find some light at the end of the cave just like you; and because of caring people like you, I know there has to be one...somewhere...Take care.