bohogirl Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 why do some BS forgive the WS completely but still finds the AP (any AP) a target for contempt?
KarmasTestDummy Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 why do some BS forgive the WS completely but still finds the AP (any AP) a target for contempt? Oooh I know, I know!!! Because they choose to believe their man was the victim. Preyed upon by some lusty, heartless, gold digging trashy whore. She will believe it sooo deeply in order to forgive her H that she starts to actually have sympathy for him and will never admit or see her H's role in the A. But, the one person whom she can easily place all the blame on for causing her sooo much pain is the OW. Forget it...those women will never see us as anything respectable or forgivable and in her mind we're all the same.
YellowShark Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 why do some BS forgive the WS completely but still finds the AP (any AP) a target for contempt? I think it is because the bonds of love, trust and respect for the person they married. While the AP is NOT the one who the BS had bonds of love, trust and respect for. Therefore the BS can actively work to forgive the WS if they chose to, but they will not actively work to forgive the person who the WS cheated with. It's not in their interest at all... in fact it's not even on the BS's radar.
Silly_Girl Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Coping mechanism. And, who cares?? She can hate as much as she likes, if it gives her comfort. The only AP's who should be immune to that are the ones who had genuine reason to believe the guy was available.
TigerCub Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 why do some BS forgive the WS completely but still finds the AP (any AP) a target for contempt? I agree with most of what was said above. But I also think, that in most cases, the cheating comes as such a shock, like "I neve in my life imagines (fill in the name here) would EVER do this to me?!!!" and so in order to find reason to why this happened, that this fantastic person that they loved so much would do something so out of character, the BS is more willing to imagine that the AP was the one that chased after, seduced, and corrupted their almost perfect spouse. They need to rationalize it that way to make some sense of it, because otherwise, I would imagine that it would be way more crushing to realize that all the years of marriage invested where invested in a person that's not truly who they thought they were.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 If a BS forgives the WS it is probably based upon the bonds built and reinforced during their marriage. Love, too. The AP is not important; forgiving him / her does not serve the BS, unless it's in a spiritual way. They can also serve as a handy receptacle for lingering anger and resentment on the part of the BS. Personally, I hold married people who cheat fully accountable for their choice and actions, but I'm still happy if their marriage finds its way back to health. I really can't hold a person who knowingly gets involved with a married person in any kind of regard.
hopesndreams Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 (edited) I never gave a toss about the MOW, still don't. She could have been anyone. From reading this board, the OW needs to be thought about by the BS. It's a blow to their ego not to be. Edited September 18, 2010 by hopesndreams
bentnotbroken Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 why do some BS forgive the WS completely but still finds the AP (any AP) a target for contempt? Because some AP earn the contempt with gold bars.
Author bohogirl Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 I never gave a toss about the MOW, still don't. She could have been anyone. From reading this board, the OW needs to be thought about by the BS. It's a blow to their ego not to be. I am so sorry for you. It must be hard knowing your husband would have cheated with anyone. ((hugs)).
Author bohogirl Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 Because some AP earn the contempt with gold bars. Noted and agreed.
hopesndreams Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I am so sorry for you. It must be hard knowing your husband would have cheated with anyone. ((hugs)). What exactly are you implying?
Author bohogirl Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 I agree with most of what was said above. But I also think, that in most cases, the cheating comes as such a shock, like "I neve in my life imagines (fill in the name here) would EVER do this to me?!!!" and so in order to find reason to why this happened, that this fantastic person that they loved so much would do something so out of character, the BS is more willing to imagine that the AP was the one that chased after, seduced, and corrupted their almost perfect spouse. They need to rationalize it that way to make some sense of it, because otherwise, I would imagine that it would be way more crushing to realize that all the years of marriage invested where invested in a person that's not truly who they thought they were. Thank you. Very insightful.
Author bohogirl Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 I think it is because the bonds of love, trust and respect for the person they married. While the AP is NOT the one who the BS had bonds of love, trust and respect for. Therefore the BS can actively work to forgive the WS if they chose to, but they will not actively work to forgive the person who the WS cheated with. It's not in their interest at all... in fact it's not even on the BS's radar. I understand where you are coming from.
Author bohogirl Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 Oooh I know, I know!!! Because they choose to believe their man was the victim. Preyed upon by some lusty, heartless, gold digging trashy whore. She will believe it sooo deeply in order to forgive her H that she starts to actually have sympathy for him and will never admit or see her H's role in the A. But, the one person whom she can easily place all the blame on for causing her sooo much pain is the OW. Forget it...those women will never see us as anything respectable or forgivable and in her mind we're all the same. Gold star for Karma. Top of the class.
Woggle Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I don't know. I am not condoning sleeping with married people but the is always the main one to blame.
awkward Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 why do some BS forgive the WS completely but still finds the AP (any AP) a target for contempt? Why would the OW do the work necessary to be forgiven completely by the BS? Unless the OW is the BS's mother, sister, friend, cousin, etc. I can't understand why repairing the BS/OW relationship would even be considered. The WS has a relationship with his BS. Forgiveness is something earned. I imagine the work is hard. I'm curious though. Why would an OW care whether the BS forgives her or holds her in contempt?
KarmasTestDummy Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Why would the OW do the work necessary to be forgiven completely by the BS? Unless the OW is the BS's mother, sister, friend, cousin, etc. I can't understand why repairing the BS/OW relationship would even be considered. The WS has a relationship with his BS. Forgiveness is something earned. I imagine the work is hard. I'm curious though. Why would an OW care whether the BS forgives her or holds her in contempt? I don't think we give a rat's behind whether she forgives us, though I know I would personally be pissed off if I had ALL of the blame placed on me and he came out smelling like roses.
Author bohogirl Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 Why would the OW do the work necessary to be forgiven completely by the BS? Unless the OW is the BS's mother, sister, friend, cousin, etc. I can't understand why repairing the BS/OW relationship would even be considered. The WS has a relationship with his BS. Forgiveness is something earned. I imagine the work is hard. I'm curious though. Why would an OW care whether the BS forgives her or holds her in contempt? I don't know whether an OW would care. I was interested in why such venom is directed at the AP on LS by some BS but their spouse is hardly ever mentioned let alone given the same treatment. I find it odd that the same behaviour (even though only WS is the cheater) can generate such disparate responses. Why doesn't the BS call her hubby a slut, morally bankrupt, a thief etc. Just doesn't happen here.
awkward Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I don't know whether an OW would care. I was interested in why such venom is directed at the AP on LS by some BS but their spouse is hardly ever mentioned let alone given the same treatment. I find it odd that the same behaviour (even though only WS is the cheater) can generate such disparate responses. Why doesn't the BS call her hubby a slut, morally bankrupt, a thief etc. Just doesn't happen here. I guess I misread your OP because I didn't realize this was about the BS's on LS. I can't answer for them so I will step aside.
crazycatlady Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I forgave my WH because he asked, he had a lot of remorse for hurting me. He did not throw the OW under the bus, he did not blame her at all for his actions. I do not forgive the OW because she didn't ask. As for the OW, she is a serial OW. I know of at least 5 other married men and at least one married woman where she was the OW. I would forgive her if she asked, but I don't see that happening. As for OW in general, most I have feelings of sympathy for, I understand why they do what they do. Some I rather like. However you dear, I think are a troll looking to cause more problems here between the OWs and the BWs. For someone who seems to think all BS are bitter etc, you sure to spend a great deal of time and effort spitting bitter and resentment back. CCL
Spark1111 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Coping mechanism. And, who cares?? She can hate as much as she likes, if it gives her comfort. The only AP's who should be immune to that are the ones who had genuine reason to believe the guy was available. Absolutely correct on this Silly Girl....it is a coping mechanism to deflect blame and preserve her love for the spouse. Another coping mechanism is to take the blame for the spouse's affair after DDAY. It is pretty common and a documented part of PTSD, but in time, with proper mental and emotional stability, the anger should get redirected to where it belongs: at the cheating spouse. Then, and only then, can they honestly examine the issues between them.
Author bohogirl Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 I forgave my WH because he asked, he had a lot of remorse for hurting me. He did not throw the OW under the bus, he did not blame her at all for his actions. I do not forgive the OW because she didn't ask. As for the OW, she is a serial OW. I know of at least 5 other married men and at least one married woman where she was the OW. I would forgive her if she asked, but I don't see that happening. As for OW in general, most I have feelings of sympathy for, I understand why they do what they do. Some I rather like. However you dear, I think are a troll looking to cause more problems here between the OWs and the BWs. For someone who seems to think all BS are bitter etc, you sure to spend a great deal of time and effort spitting bitter and resentment back. CCL If you don't like the threads I start or cannot find anything constructive to say why join in? Your making wild accusations when you know it is possible to prove a negative doesn't make me look highly strung. Please don't tell me what I think it is so presumptious.
Spark1111 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I don't know whether an OW would care. I was interested in why such venom is directed at the AP on LS by some BS but their spouse is hardly ever mentioned let alone given the same treatment. I find it odd that the same behaviour (even though only WS is the cheater) can generate such disparate responses. Why doesn't the BS call her hubby a slut, morally bankrupt, a thief etc. Just doesn't happen here. Oh, I am sure it does. Just don't think they are posting in this forum. Maybe the DIVORCE forum.
awkward Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 CCL I thought of you when I wondered why the OW would care. Your OW should care. She should do the work necessary for forgiveness. I know you tried.
bentnotbroken Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I guess I misread your OP because I didn't realize this was about the BS's on LS. I can't answer for them so I will step aside. I agree. It feels like all her questions are set up questions. Not sure...but:confused:
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