Amused by the subtle differences of mm after stopping NC

[KarmasTestDummy]

As I mentioned in an earlier post, After 11 days of NC I broke it and MM and I are talking again. I was on the verge of a nervous meltdown not having him in my life. His biggest hang-up was the guilt he felt from being in a r with me' and not being able to give me' the full r treatment and feeling like it wasn't fair to tie me' down in a commitment he couldn't commit to.

 

So where we left it at was an agreement that we didn't have to add pressure to him by calling it an r. I never said I needed to label anything. We already were going about things like friends that spend time together and have benefits and I never felt the need to hound him about leaving or committing anyway so there really is no change to me. The difference in labeling me' his girlfriend or not sure seems to neon his mind alot now though.

 

He said I was free to do as I please and date if I liked, but that thought sure seems to be taking a low shot to his pride. I have to admit I am really amused by this sudden turn of his jealousy. One of the first things he asked me' when we began talking again was if I was seeing anyone during NC. I hadn't...there was obvious relief in that answer.

 

Then over the last two nights I have been UNAVAILABLE because I was having a tattoo done on my back. By a guy. Even though we texted through most of the evening he kept making gestures and questioning who the artist was, how I knew him, even why the work was being done so inexpensively.

 

Now mind you this artist is not anyone I would ever date at any point of my life, but especially when I still care about mm, there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that he was someone I'd sleep with, but mm was so sure in his mind that was. He even asked me' the next morning if I had and even added before I could answer to please make sure if I was sleeping with other people to use protection.

 

I guess if I were seeing other guys the jealousy would bother me'. I would likely be one to tell him to mind his own business and that as long as he still had a wife in the house he had no right in questioning me'. It was him that made the freedom to do as I please promise anyway. But the truth of the matter is, I honestly know I won't do anything as long as I have him in my life. He has my whole heart and body...and while I refuse to wear my heart on my sleeve and add pressure to him by saying that, I wish he kind of believed it. I can't help it though. I love that he's jealous though. It validates to me' that I am more to him as much as he is to me'. We stopped saying I love you at the end of every conversation, but his new signature line seems to be as much of an "I love you" as I need. He always leaves me' with a "be good". I just hope the turmoil in what he wants and what he says doesn't get the best of him. Id hate to have him break it off out of fear of what I'm doing....which shouldn't be an issue since I'm not out there doing anything.

Edited September 18, 2010 by KarmasTestDummy

[Silly_Girl]

A close friend of mine has just done this with married guy she's crazy about (but hasn't slept with). We jokingly call it The Post-It.

 

He's stuck a little yellow post-it note on the relationship, and labelled it 'friends'. Makes it safe right? WRONG!!!!!

 

Feels like you two are doing a little dance, KTD. I play games like that with myself sometimes too, pretend something is one way, or pretend I don't care about X or Y. His jealousy is just more noise.

 

Please, PLEASE look after yourself.

[Star_Bright]

I could relate to much of your post. I would have been okay with just being FWB with exMM but I guess his ego made it so that he had to have all of me. He would never have been okay with me dating or sleeping with other men. Never. He would have rather have given me up completely than know I was doing that. In fact that's a reason we are where we are (NC). Like your guy he believes it's wrong to tie me down when he can't commit to me... he says he DOES want to commit to me and IS going to commit to me, but, he hasn't yet, so I have no choice but to move on without him. I refuse to wait around and put my life on hold for him.

 

I've come to realize that MM may THINK they love us and they do love us in some way but it is really more about power and lust and ego. They want us to be there for them when they cannot be 100% there for us. To me jealousy is not love at all. It's just control and ego. I don't know you in real life but I feel like you deserve better than to be calling it just friends or not labeling it but really you are so in love with this man that can't give you his all and it is holding you back from finding someone who can actually be there for you and give you 100%.

[KarmasTestDummy]

A close friend of mine has just done this with married guy she's crazy about (but hasn't slept with). We jokingly call it The Post-It.

 

He's stuck a little yellow post-it note on the relationship, and labelled it 'friends'. Makes it safe right? WRONG!!!!!

 

Feels like you two are doing a little dance, KTD. I play games like that with myself sometimes too, pretend something is one way, or pretend I don't care about X or Y. His jealousy is just more noise.

 

Please, PLEASE look after yourself.

 

Your post-it analogy is spot on. I got a nice chuckle. Bottom line is we can call it whatever we want but the dynamics of the 'r' have not changed. I'm glad though..I don't want them to. We're wearing our hearts a little less on our sleeve, but we haven't changed our feelings for one another. I know there's some mind-games to that, but I'm being cautious. My heart knows that it could still end up hurt...but there is no pain I can even fathom larger than not having him at all.

[lilbunny]

Whay is it with the jealousy thing? I went for a drink and I really just mean a drink with a guy I know who had recently spilt up with his long term girlfriend. I've known him a few years and it was pretty much for some company. He told me he was jealous and has been intolerable at work, dragging another girl around with him to try and wind me up. We aren't even seeing each other.

I ended up feeling guilty, like I'd done something wrong, then I realised he goes home and sleeps with someone else every night and did all the time we were seeing each other. How do they do that? I couldn't have even thought about as much as kissing someone else. Maybe a dose of their own medicine is the way forward.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Whay is it with the jealousy thing? I went for a drink and I really just mean a drink with a guy I know who had recently spilt up with his long term girlfriend. I've known him a few years and it was pretty much for some company. He told me he was jealous and has been intolerable at work, dragging another girl around with him to try and wind me up. We aren't even seeing each other.

I ended up feeling guilty, like I'd done something wrong, then I realised he goes home and sleeps with someone else every night and did all the time we were seeing each other. How do they do that? I couldn't have even thought about as much as kissing someone else. Maybe a dose of their own medicine is the way forward.

 

I think a dose of jealousy is perfectly good for them, and maybe even the R. If he doesn't want anyone else to have me it might make him get off his rump and move a little faster. Tonight I was supposed to be invited to a get together his sister was having. I've never met W, but she was going to be there. We were going to have to play it cool. His sister was going to intro me' as her friend. A little shady, yes, I know. Well this morning he said he thought it was a bad idea once he thought about it. Afraid we'd be intoxicated and something might slip or we'd try to sneak off and steal a kiss and get busted. Fair enough, but now...I'm not about to cancel my plans, sit around the house and mope about him being out at a part where his W is. I'm going to gather up some girlfriends and still go out and have a good time. It's going to drive him crazy. I'm sure it will cross his mind that I'm mad and going to go out and get payback or something. Not that it's my intent at all, but by the end I bet he'll be wishing he had just told me' to come.

[Silly_Girl]

This isn't a game, sweetie. This is hearts and minds and a world of pain. You two shouldn't even be CONSIDERING stuff like that if you're backing off and chilling a bit.

 

It's actually quite twisted. And I think you're further in than you wish you were. Sorry, going to say it again - BE CAREFUL!!!

[fooled once]

This all sounds like some game that is being played.

 

Are you and he planning to be together? If so, why not just be together instead of gaslighting the wife and playing these games?

 

So you are in a relationship with him, but it can't be called a relationship because it stresses him out too much?

 

You can date, but you won't since you are so devoted to him and you need him or else, in your words, you would have a nervous breakdown? How is this healthy? I love my H immensely, but I wouldn't have a nervous breakdown without him. I see this mentioned so much with affairs; the OW melting down and having trouble functioning without the MM. This is very troubling in my eyes, because I don't see it as healthy to be so attached to someone...who is married to someone else.

 

So you can't date, but he can be married, go to parties with his wife (and I take it his sister knows of the affair and is complicit in gaslighting the wife too). This all seems so very sad.

 

Love shouldn't hurt like this.

[BB07]

A close friend of mine has just done this with married guy she's crazy about (but hasn't slept with). We jokingly call it The Post-It.

 

He's stuck a little yellow post-it note on the relationship, and labelled it 'friends'. Makes it safe right? WRONG!!!!!

 

Feels like you two are doing a little dance, KTD. I play games like that with myself sometimes too, pretend something is one way, or pretend I don't care about X or Y. His jealousy is just more noise.

 

Please, PLEASE look after yourself.

 

KTD........SG nailed it, oh did she nail it and yes she is right about how we all do this at one time or another. You are trying to pretend that it's different than it was before...... so you tell yourself it's more tolerable because it's different. Oh I so remember doing this way back when, and now I see it for what it really was, it was just another way to fool myself that I could deal with it. Pretending didn't make it so.

 

And.......SG is right, the jealousy doesn't mean much at all.

 

Take care of you KTD, of YOU.

[BB07]

I could relate to much of your post. I would have been okay with just being FWB with exMM but I guess his ego made it so that he had to have all of me. He would never have been okay with me dating or sleeping with other men. Never. He would have rather have given me up completely than know I was doing that. In fact that's a reason we are where we are (NC). Like your guy he believes it's wrong to tie me down when he can't commit to me... he says he DOES want to commit to me and IS going to commit to me, but, he hasn't yet, so I have no choice but to move on without him. I refuse to wait around and put my life on hold for him.

I've come to realize that MM may THINK they love us and they do love us in some way but it is really more about power and lust and ego. They want us to be there for them when they cannot be 100% there for us. To me jealousy is not love at all. It's just control and ego. I don't know you in real life but I feel like you deserve better than to be calling it just friends or not labeling it but really you are so in love with this man that can't give you his all and it is holding you back from finding someone who can actually be there for you and give you 100%.

 

More wise words......and oh so right about what jealousy really is.

[camel's toe]

Oh the male ego. I've mentioned how a MM I work with is after me (and yes I would love to go there but won't. Full stop.). Its the male nature, they are hunters. I have told him you won't get me, you will find that I have more resolve than the Dalai Lama (I'm not even sure if the DL has loads of resolve but he seems the type who would!!)and that is it. But my colleagues are saying "I don't know how he'll cope when you meet someone" (I am single). Bloody cheek, I think. If you really wanted me you'd do what you had to do to get me. Tough luck for him if I did meet someone.

[blizzard]

The commitment/jealousy thing is pretty ridiculous.

 

My xMM used to say that "you are mine." When I called his bluff by saying...well i'ts not possible because you are already commited to someone else... He replied, "yes I know. but I feel like you are mine...you belong to me...you are my girl."

 

Now I know that it's just a game. To keep you in play.

[KarmasTestDummy]

The commitment/jealousy thing is pretty ridiculous.

 

My xMM used to say that "you are mine." When I called his bluff by saying...well i'ts not possible because you are already commited to someone else... He replied, "yes I know. but I feel like you are mine...you belong to me...you are my girl."

 

Now I know that it's just a game. To keep you in play.

 

He wouldn't dare. He might think it or wish it, but he knows better than to say it. Rules of the game say he has no right to tell me' what I can or can't do so long as he's still married. He doesn't have that privilege of staking ownership....and I make sure he knows that my life isn't revolving around him. He wanted to come by today and i said no. I had company and was going shopping then to the park with my kids. He knows I'm going camping this coming weekend with my friends and kids. My life isn't going to stop while I wait for him. I just know he fears that another man will come seep me off my feet. It may be a game he's playing by acting

Jealous, but it's not one he's winning.

[camel's toe]

A MM I had a relationship with used to say "you are my girlfriend". And I was FLATTERED OMG I had issues. Their egos know no bounds, encouraged by us being far too nice. Not any more buster.