djn002 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 So before we met, my finacee was hooking up with a co-worker. They were f-buddies. And when we met she told me, because she wanted to be honest, which i appreciate, but it drives me crazy. I know hes a good friend of hers, and has been there for her in the past, but its so hard knowing she goes to work with him everyday. She'd text him "come out and play" or "come get me" when she was drunk at the bar, and theyd end up having drunk sex. Now, i know, that all of that happened before we met, but its still so difficult to think about anything else when i know they work together. I mean, she still talks about the sex she had with him with her friends...how am i supposed to feel? Someone tell me. It absolutely is driving me crazy. I know it shouldnt, i know that its not happening anymore, i know that nothing will ever happen...but i still think about it everyday. I also did a huge no-no and looked through her aim conversations. One of her friends that recently just lost her v-card, said the guy she did it with was huge...and of course my finacee said "large and in charge huh? I know of a boy whos large and in charge..." and her friend said "Like your co-worker, yeah, but no, it wasnt him...". I feel like crap knowing she still thinks about him. Thinks about his size...and when we met, she told me we were the same size, which if that were true, the example of the large and in charge would have been me...not him. I know my feelings are so irrational because it was the past, and before i was ever in the picture...but how am i supposed to feel, or act when i know all of this stuff about the two of them, and that she goes to work with him everyday. U know? I cant think of anything else... I feel like im going to have a breakdown. What do i do? Its consuming me...it eats at me, and i feel like its going to ruin my relationship....please, someone tell me something good. I really need a boost...i wont ever admit it to her, but i am very insecure...and jealousy is something i never express, i always try to keep it in, because i know jealousy can ruin relationships. And, ive told her how ive felt, and even tho she understands, she does think im being immature for thinking about it as much as i do...which i agree with, but im human, and i cant fight these feelings. If i could turn off my feelings, i would, but i cant. Do u think i need to ask my finacee straight up...what was the sex like with him? Do u think i need some closure? Cuz i cant fight these feelings anymore...they are taking over. Help...someone please help.
Don Ho Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I really need a boost...i wont ever admit it to her, but i am very insecure...and jealousy is something i never express, i always try to keep it in, because i know jealousy can ruin relationships. And, ive told her how ive felt, and even tho she understands, she does think im being immature for thinking about it as much as i do...which i agree with, but im human, and i cant fight these feelings. If i could turn off my feelings, i would, but i cant. Do u think i need to ask my finacee straight up...what was the sex like with him? Do u think i need some closure? Cuz i cant fight these feelings anymore...they are taking over. Help...someone please help. Bro, I think you need to get a grip AND overcome your insecurities on your own. You are correct, DO NOT ask her or mention it. The fact is she is with YOU and she is YOUR fiance. Unless you really do not trust her, you have to past it and move on. It was not like she cheated on you. Now, if you do not trust her and have some reason to think she is the type of woman to have a fling with him or hook up with him behind your back, then maybe you need to re-think the whole relationship with her before you get burned. If she's really not, then you best get secure or she will end up dumping your ass in the future.
PegNosePete Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Some people just can't accept other people's past. If you can't accept it then you need to find someone who has a less colourful past. It doesn't seem like she's done anything wrong though, so it's up to you. Can you man up and accept her? (Genuine question, not rhetorical)
mickleb Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I think she's the one being immature. Of course it would make you feel insecure to hear her going on about the sex between them. It's majorly disrepectful and make me wonder how much she cares about you. I think you are being pretty generous about the whole thing. Yes, it is tricky. It's not like you can dictate who she is friends with but shoving it in your face or still referring to her past like that, to her friends, is just stupid. I'd be saying that and suggesting she starts being a lot more respectful if she wants you to stay engaged. Ultimately, though, you can only control yourself. If you find her behaviour hurtful and have told her so but she still persists with it, is this someone you want to marry? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you feel you should snoop on? This relationship is going down the pan pretty quickly, as it is, so prepare yourself. Personally, I'd have more respect for myself than she seems willing to give you. Good luck. x
D-Lish Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Does she bring up sex with the co-worker in front of you? Or is this something you only know about due to snooping? The problem with snooping is that you will always find something you don't want to know about. I still mention ex's when speaking to my friends, maybe joking about a body part or something funny they used to do- but it's meaningless banter and never has anything to do with my current situation. After a certain age, you simply won't encounter someone that doesn't have a sexual history, or a romantic history. You can't punish someone, or yourself, for something someone did before they got involved with you. It's entirely unfair to both of you to a) blame b) internalize. If your gf is bringing up sex with the ex in front of you, tell her in no uncertain terms that it has to stop. That's not being insecure, that's standing up for yourself. No one with a shred of decency would talk about sex with an ex in front of the person they claim to love, so I hope she's not bringing this up in conversations with you. She's with you now, you can't change her past anymore than she can.
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