The Bs and The AP are more different tha you may think.

[Spark1111]

A gentleman wouldn't cheat.

 

I'm behind on this thread, so maybe this has already been said, but IMO, most of the WP in the affairs are doing some kind of badmouthing of their SO to the AP, whether outright bashing or by insinuation. I don't get all the uproar of the WP badmouthing the AP. IMO, anything coming out of the mouth of a cheater needs to be taken with a large rock of salt. By everyone.

 

This seems logical to me! I find it hard to understand the great surprise expressed by many posters regarding this.

 

As if they did not deserve to be treated in the same manner as the spouse had been treated.

 

As if they were led to believe they were better than the spouse? Deserved better treatment? Had been led to believe the MM was always kind, polite and dignified in his treatment of all?

 

And then are stunned that he could treat them with the same disdain he had shown his spouse during the affair.

[seren]

I am feeling quite knackered after reading through all the threads - what a can of worms. My H badmouth's the OW, no I don't like it, nor encourage it, but he does. I understand this to be a reflection of how he sees it, as I have said before, had he said he had an A for love, I would understand better and it would have been easier for me to process, but he says he didn't and so will not say it was something it wasn't. OW loved him, so I say he must have done something to make her feel safe enough to love him, he says not, she says he always said he loved me - very screwed up.

 

Now when H talks about the A, and this is very very rarely, he hates talking about it (of course), says horrible things about OW, which I counteract, but it is how he feels, he owns up to his behaviour, but sees her as an enabler and that she would suggest I was having an A too !!! After D Day and after I had helped her out of a very dangerous situation with her H due to D Day, she sent me text mesages, letters and was pretty vitrolic, even telling me he had died (he was in Iraq) and pretended to be someone from military. Now, I hated her for that.

 

Now, not all AP, when an A has ended accept the A is over and there can be all sorts of nasty behaviour because the MP has decided to stay with the marriage - I think a lot of the dispariging comes from this, coupled with guilt and projection. Is it fair? well no, of course not, does it happen? oh too often.

 

As for Thomas B, he is saying it as he sees and feels it - might not sit right with some people, but let me assure you, saying things about an AP is nowhere as hurtful or painful as being the BS. Odd that it is seen as OK to hurt someone by having an A, and I include all involved in the A, but not seen as OK to say things about someone who voluntarily chooses to be in an A after the fact. Not saying it is right, it just is what it is.

[pureinheart]

In general, a man who has engaged in an affair (I would have to take exception to the gentleman part, I engaged in an affair and consider myself to be a gentleman) should never badmouth either of the other in the triangle, regardless of with whom he ends up.

 

This recent disclosure of extremely bad behavior from his affair partner definitely gives one pause, and perhaps a reason to speak ill of her.

 

Personally I think TB has issues with OW and purposefully chose not to disclose the behavior of his exOW in the beginning, thus gaslighting. He posted several times and said nothing to that effect and knew exactly what we were referring to, yet chose to play word games...priddy much stirring the pot and knowing it.

 

I am not sure why his exOW chose to do the "said" offenses, possibly he played games with her too, or it is not the truth.

[Spark1111]

Wouldn't having sex with him qualify as uncool to his family? Double Dang!

 

Everyone, IMHO, needs to read up on the triangulation of affairs.....the halo sits on the AP's head while horns are subconciously placed on the spouse's.

 

Until DDAy....then it either stays like that, OR the halo shifts back to the spouse and guess where those devil horns wind up????

 

Yep. Atop the AP's head.

 

Pretty common.

[Spark1111]

Personally I think TB has issues with OW and purposefully chose not to disclose the behavior of his exOW in the beginning, thus gaslighting. He posted several times and said nothing to that effect and knew exactly what we were referring to, yet chose to play word games...priddy much stirring the pot and knowing it.

 

I am not sure why his exOW chose to do the "said" offenses, possibly he played games with her too, or it is not the truth.

 

Or it could be the truth and he was trying to be too much of a gentleman to not divulge the surprising lunacy of the AP he picked!

 

A doubly shameful experience for a fWS.

 

Thomasb, I get it.

 

Hard enough to admit to the affair.

 

Worse to have to admit your paramour was a nut case who stalked your family.

[pureinheart]

Wouldn't having sex with him qualify as uncool to his family? Double Dang!

 

Nice try:D

[bentnotbroken]

Summer, I did exactly that. Told her it was done. Cut off contact. Gave notice at the job place. ETC. She was the one who continued trying to contact me, attacking my wife, having her family members stalk us. Repeated phone calls, flat tires, drive bys, you name it we suffered through it. She once even went to my then 8 year old stepsons bus stop to tell him she was going to be his new mama! What exactly do you think I should have done different... other than not having the affair in the first place. That was spilt milk.

 

 

Maybe broke your foot off. :mad:I had the pleasure of dealing with some uncalled for behavior too. So in this instance I feel you.

[Spark1111]

I am feeling quite knackered after reading through all the threads - what a can of worms. My H badmouth's the OW, no I don't like it, nor encourage it, but he does. I understand this to be a reflection of how he sees it, as I have said before, had he said he had an A for love, I would understand better and it would have been easier for me to process, but he says he didn't and so will not say it was something it wasn't. OW loved him, so I say he must have done something to make her feel safe enough to love him, he says not, she says he always said he loved me - very screwed up.

 

Now when H talks about the A, and this is very very rarely, he hates talking about it (of course), says horrible things about OW, which I counteract, but it is how he feels, he owns up to his behaviour, but sees her as an enabler and that she would suggest I was having an A too !!! After D Day and after I had helped her out of a very dangerous situation with her H due to D Day, she sent me text mesages, letters and was pretty vitrolic, even telling me he had died (he was in Iraq) and pretended to be someone from military. Now, I hated her for that.

 

Now, not all AP, when an A has ended accept the A is over and there can be all sorts of nasty behaviour because the MP has decided to stay with the marriage - I think a lot of the dispariging comes from this, coupled with guilt and projection. Is it fair? well no, of course not, does it happen? oh too often.

 

As for Thomas B, he is saying it as he sees and feels it - might not sit right with some people, but let me assure you, saying things about an AP is nowhere as hurtful or painful as being the BS. Odd that it is seen as OK to hurt someone by having an A, and I include all involved in the A, but not seen as OK to say things about someone who voluntarily chooses to be in an A after the fact. Not saying it is right, it just is what it is.

 

Seren....Do we SHARE the same OW??????????????

 

Some are lovely, innocent and vulnerable women.

 

Some are unstable, vitriolic, manipulators....,.,

 

Same as BSs. Same as some MM/MW.

[bentnotbroken]

Nice try:D

 

 

No trying.

[bentnotbroken]

His religion doesn't allow it.

 

 

I spit soda all over my screen. :lmao:

[pureinheart]

Or it could be the truth and he was trying to be too much of a gentleman to not divulge the surprising lunacy of the AP he picked!

 

A doubly shameful experience for a fWS.

 

Thomasb, I get it.

 

Hard enough to admit to the affair.

 

Worse to have to admit your paramour was a nut case who stalked your family.

 

 

Truth? I thought once a liar always a liar, cheater so on...there was no problem with other disclosures...

 

Some say that MM could not possibly tell the truth, this is said quite frequently to OW who are in A's...is there a change of heart?

[pureinheart]

No trying.

 

I know, it come natural:lmao:

[pureinheart]

I spit soda all over my screen. :lmao:

 

Why?.......

[thomasb]

Bent not broken, to some of these guys I would have had to have beaten myself to death with that leg to make things right.

And I beg to differ with the poster who said I did not disclose the OWs behavior. Once again, it was on I think the 3rd or 4th post I ever made on this site. On Sparks reconciliation sex thread. Jeeessshh

And thank you, oh good people for defending me. For a while there I kinda felt picked on. Being that I actually love my DW and all.

[bentnotbroken]

I know, it come natural:lmao:

 

 

Nothing comes naturally to me. I work at everything to be the best that I can be.

[thomasb]

Jthorne: I plan to stick around my friend. Good thing I don't scare easily, huh. After raising four boys you would think I'd be afraid of my own shadow by now.

[bentnotbroken]

Why?.......

 

 

Because the irony of him waving his penis around outside of his wife and I don't know of any church that condones adultery, but he will adhere to the other rules that the church has. Funny as hell.

[Spark1111]

Truth? I thought once a liar always a liar, cheater so on...there was no problem with other disclosures...

 

Some say that MM could not possibly tell the truth, this is said quite frequently to OW who are in A's...is there a change of heart?

 

Not for me.

 

I always claimed the lies are not intentional; just part and parcel of the overall self-deluding behavior many WS's seem to experience.

 

Hey, my fWS never said a bad word about his AP. If he had tried, I, like Seren, would have found it almost laughable and certainly disrespectful.

 

Over time, and in hind sight, many things she claimed to be true about herself....were not. Over time, we laughed at how she tried to convince him I had a boyfriend.

 

Over time, he heard me ONLY speak respectfully of her when we talked of her, if we talked of her at all.

 

And then, two years after reconciliation, I finally speak to her. And yes, she was mean and crazy and histrionic and lied about....much.

 

So I guess my fWS did not think I deserved that. And I did not. Not the stalking, the hang up phone calls, or the utter contempt.

 

Some MM lie intentionally. Some lie delusionally. Some OW are sweet and kind. Some OW are nut jobs. Some BS take the high road. Some seek lifelong revenge.

[Spark1111]

Bent not broken, to some of these guys I would have had to have beaten myself to death with that leg to make things right.

And I beg to differ with the poster who said I did not disclose the OWs behavior. Once again, it was on I think the 3rd or 4th post I ever made on this site. On Sparks reconciliation sex thread. Jeeessshh

And thank you, oh good people for defending me. For a while there I kinda felt picked on. Being that I actually love my DW and all.

 

 

That is correct. And he took a beating and came back for more!

 

Some men pine for the AP. Some grow to despise them. Same as they might feel about a BS, if they leave the marriage. Or pine for the BS if she leaves them.

[bentnotbroken]

Shucks, I went back to add to my post, but couldn't.

Anyways, here's what was to be added:

 

Now before anyone gets alert-happy saying I'm being insulting for bring up split self, it's a legitimate question about how religion fits into split self. I suppose split self relates to the OP because a "split" would most likely choose an AP vastly different than the BS.

 

Now back to regular programming. Spark, sorry for the interruption, great posts!

 

 

I wonder how many religions believe in the split, since most say you can't be lukewarm. You are either hot or cold.

[bentnotbroken]

Sorta off-topic, but it's my understanding that many of the OW on LS that believe in split self are athiest.

 

On topic, I would guess that spirituality is another way BS and OW are different.

 

I've always been interested in how religion fits into infidelity. Maybe I'll start a new thread.

 

 

Go for it.

[Silly_Girl]

Sorta off-topic, but it's my understanding that many of the OW on LS that believe in split self are athiest.

 

On topic, I would guess that spirituality is another way BS and OW are different.

 

I've always been interested in how religion fits into infidelity. Maybe I'll start a new thread.

 

I can only find one thread on this. I'm interested in the comparison also JT. Is the one in OW/OM forum intended for BS also? Thanks.

[jennie-jennie]

I agree. I'm curious if using religion to one's benefit is part of split self syndrome. I guess it would make sense.

 

Of course it is, since the split self MM presents a public self to his wife and the world. Abiding by one's religion (even when one does not even believe in God anymore) keeps the facade up, the pretense of "doing the right thing" in the eyes of the public.

[jennie-jennie]

Bent not broken, to some of these guys I would have had to have beaten myself to death with that leg to make things right.

And I beg to differ with the poster who said I did not disclose the OWs behavior. Once again, it was on I think the 3rd or 4th post I ever made on this site. On Sparks reconciliation sex thread. Jeeessshh

And thank you, oh good people for defending me. For a while there I kinda felt picked on. Being that I actually love my DW and all.

 

I remember you calling your OW a whore in that particular post, but not that you specified any bad behavior on her part.

[greengoddess]

Of course it is, since the split self MM presents a public self to his wife and the world. Abiding by one's religion (even when one does not even believe in God anymore) keeps the facade up, the pretense of "doing the right thing" in the eyes of the public.

 

So is this what your married man does? If so this guy is a complete and total fraud in every aspect of his life and YOU know this. You know this to be true and you love this? You love a fake, fraud and liar? A man who pretends every single day to be something he is not because he is too much of a coward to face up to his real self and show that to the world. Wow you must feel special. You are the only one he lets know he is a total fraud and you even pat him on the back for it tell him it's ok that you will accept him no matter what.:laugh: