Immature Girlfriend

[Cainedbutabel]

Ok, so I have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months now (to the day). We were best friends for a couple years leading up to our romance. As with most love stories, everything was fine and dandy for the first few months.. but things have just gotten terrible..

 

So she gets on these harry potter forums all the time.. and i mean alllllll the time (by the way we're both 20 years old, almost 21). This was a little weird to me, but not a very big deal. It was fine at first. THEN she started posting pictures of herself.. not indecent ones mind you.. but guys still all started gawking over her. and a couple took an actual interest in her and have been pursuing her.. one more than the other.

 

I won't use his actual user name.. I'll just call him "The Wolf". Now.. the first time i noticed something weird between these two was when they started doing this role play together on said forums. In this role play they are in the Harry Potter world and there is a ball coming up. As soon as my girlfriend joined in on this role play she immediately started actively looking for a "date" for the ball. That's where The Wolf comes in.

 

They starting flirting and they became each others date. Nothing wrong with that, right? They just pretending after all.. But I noticed things were getting more passionate than was necessary, and sometimes after they would say something really flirty they would add their real thoughts about it in parenthesis saying things like "this makes me so giddy" and "i can't stop giggling, this is so cute".

 

To make a long story short, now she and The Wolf talk outside of the forums all the time via texting.. possibly phone calls. He constantly flirts with her and tells her how amazing she is and how much he likes her.. and how breathtakingly beautiful she is.

 

One time, she posted a picture of herself and he commented on it and he put a picture of Quagmire (the pervert from family guy) and said stuff about how breathtakingly beautiful she is. She goes to him with her problems.. because he tells her exactly what she wants to hear.

 

This guy is 29 years old. 29. And he gets on HARRY POTTER FORUMS. and he talks to young girls. When I told my girlfriend how weird I thought that was, she just laughed and said that he has this philosophy that you never have to grow up.. and that she agrees with him.

 

Not only is this creep robbing the cradle (he was a legal adult before she hit puberty), but he's robbing me of my girl. And anytime I try to explain my feelings to my girlfriend, she gets extremely angry at me.

 

Whenever she refers to him on the forums, she calls him her "very good friend. =)" I'm not sure why the smiley face is necessary.

 

She tells me i'm insecure in myself for not trusting her. She says she would never actually cheat on me.. and that since there's no feelings behind the things she tells him, I should be ok with all of this.

 

But I feel degraded. I feel walked all over. I feel cast off to the side. Why can't she just stand up for our relationship and ask this grown man to show some respect for two people in love.. who are MUCH YOUNGER THAN HIM. He has NO BUSINESS messing with us like this.

 

She says she can't say no to him or ask him to stop because she "doesn't want to be mean." she "doesn't want to hurt his feelings." But the fact of the matter is, she is being faced with a choice on who's feelings to hurt.. mine, or The Wolf. Apparently she is more willing to hurt mine.

 

I asked her why he feels the need to keep talking to her like this even after she told him she has a boyfriend. She said that he just feels the need to tell her the truth.. and that there's no harm in that.

 

Is she REALLY this naive to think he's such a great, noble, guy? or is she just making excuses to get away with her fantasies? There isn't room here to mention everthing I've seen them say to each other, but believe me.. he knows how to fulfill her every fantasy. He knows exactly what to say to her. And I have to just sit by and watch.

 

It's a major turn off to see just how immature she is. She NEVER takes any criticism.. for ANYTHING. I feel REALLY bad right now.. REALLY guilty for talking about her like this. I only want to lift her up.. make her happy.. brag about her to my friends.. be proud of her.. but I'm so disappointed.

 

I've been so depressed...

Edited September 18, 2010 by Cainedbutabel

[Bryanp]

If someone else had written this what would your response be? My guess it would be the same as mine which is to stop wasting your time with such an immature girl. She is disrespecting your relationship and sending you a clear message that she disrespects you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[lkjh]

She keeps talking to him because she likes it and probably him. First off stay away from girls that do the role play things on the internet.

[PegNosePete]

OK couple things.....

• When I met my wife I was 30, she was 22. I don't think that age gap is really much of a problem. In fact my parents are 20 years apart and have been happily married for nearly 40 years. My dad was a legal adult before my mum was born.
  
• I have been on Harry Potter forums too, and I am 30+. I read the books and found them interesting and felt like discussing some points in them. So sue me!
  
• I play role playing games, although not on the internet. That is kind of sad IMO, but some people like it. And some people would describe what I play as sad. To each his/her own. It's a hobby that encourages social interaction, and there's no reason it's any better or worse than any other hobby. Yes I've "done" sex scenes although usually it's all guys (players) and nobody wants to roleplay that, so it just fades to black and you wake up the next morning......
  

So... in my opinion, there's nothing wrong with any of those things, and no need to diss them. Seems like you're taking out your frustrations.

 

HOWEVER! Obviously it's not just that. Posting pics of herself on the forums is attention seeking. Role playing a date with another guy who obviously fancies her is out of order. The OOC comments are a pretty strange. She's saying she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, because she doesn't want it to stop. She loves it.

 

Dump her. The Wolf isn't stealing her, she's walking right into his lair voluntarily.

[seibert253]

You're letting her walk all over you. She will continue to do so as long as you let her. Plain and simple.

You need to stand up to her, don't back down, and don't negotiate.

 

Let her know, whether you are insecure or not, is not the point. You are not comfortable with her continued contact with this guy and you think it is inappropriate. Then reiterate your request that she stop contacting and communicating with this dude.

Let her know you cannot and will not stop her. It's totally her choice.

But, let her know if she continues contact with this dude, you will consider this an act of disrespect for you, your feelings, and your relationship. Let her know that if she decides to continue contact with the dude, you will be forced to re-evaluate your relationship with her.

 

Pretty simple. If you have a problem with it, then she should too. If her "friendship" with this other dude is more important than your relationship, or your feelings, then you know what you have to do.

 

Good Luck.

[naya1]

lol this is unbelievable. sorry.

[Viva]

lol this is unbelievable. sorry.

 

Why did you steal my thought naya1?! lol.

 

Look, here's my view. You are also being immature. I can literally picture your girlfriend right now playing this game online and it's-a-game!

 

May I ask you if you've looked at the situation from both sides? As in have you thought of anything else than looking at the situation from a negative standpoint. Let's look at it in a positive way for a minute.

 

- It could be that she's finding joy in being able to have a confidant in a unique way (on-line in this imaginary world of Harry Potter) and that it's a guy too. To some girls, being able to talk to a guy in this way is fun, b/c mostly when it comes to make-believe its girl-girl and boy-boy. It gives her someone to talk to that doesn't know her like others do and she could just splurge her thoughts. Think of it like a therapist. Or better yet, see this situation as if you were playing Call of Duty and you were connecting online to play against another player, it's about having fun and having this crazy opportunity to live in this virtual world and yet you know that person is not really a digital character. It's just something about it that makes it fun.

 

For her photos, she seems to be confident and probably knows she'll get compliments. Maybe she wants other users to see what she looks like so they know that this is the girl behind the virtual world. It's a sense of pride and mabye even some conceitedness (sp?).

 

Don't lose your cool on this, it's really childish so don't fall into that pattern. You're young and if this is the worst thing that's happened to you that it's got you this mad then you need to pause and take a look at yourself. She doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong.

 

Why don't you do this? Make an account on this Harry Potter thingy and join her. She may love the idea. But only do it if you're willing to be open and not hold jealousy or anger or whatever it is that you're feeling. Let's be mature about this because I know that even grown ups can be immature, it never leaves us, just be reasonable, anger is not going to solve anything.

[Arasae]

I can literally picture your girlfriend right now playing this game online and it's-a-game!

 

I completely disagree. As a former role-player, the "just a game" mentality is an excuse that these people hide behind to do and say things that are unsavory, cruel, and hurtful to their significant others. I'd know, because I've been there on both sides.

 

Myself and others I knew used it for escapism and/or to fill some sort of gap in their existence. Maybe they're bored and want to live vicariously through characters who can cast magic--if that's the case, then they'll be off battling wizards. Not dating other characters. I think she's getting some sort of intimacy that she's not with you--that's not your fault, she should have talked with you about it instead of turning to the internet.

 

OP, how would you feel if it turned sexual? If their "characters" decided that it was time to lose their virginity to one another? I guarantee that's not a one time thing.

 

Yes, the guy is slimey, but.. keep in mind it's your girlfriend who is ultimately responsible for this.

[reservoirdog1]

It's pretty obvious from what you posted, OP, that this guy would want to do a lot more with your GF than simply chat and text with her, if he had the chance.

 

Whether or not your GF reciprocates, whether or not there's "feelings" behind her texts to him, etc. is important, but it's not necessary for this situation to be unacceptable.

 

There's nothing wrong, in my book, with people in a relationship having friends of the opposite sex. The only requirement is that those opposite sex friends must be "friends of the relationship". Meaning that they're not doing anything, overtly or subtly, to undermine it.

 

From what you've described, this guy IS undermining it, by trying to slime his way into your GF's pants.

 

I think you need to tell her that there isn't enough room in the relationship for the two of you, and a third person who's trying to wreck it. She doesn't want to "hurt his feelings"? Ask her whose feelings are more important to her: yours or his. Tell her that this guy is being disrespectful towards you, and by continuing to enable his behaviour in doing so, she's disrespecting you as well. And you're not interested in being in relationship with somebody who doesn't respect you.

 

Be prepared to walk, and do so if she doesn't change her ways. Right now you have no power in this situation, and you need to get some.