Defeated.

[ohno89]

Lol yea the wedding day will be weird. That's if they make it that far.

 

Yea he might want her at this point in his life, but when its time to settle down and start a family or whatever he's probably going to prefer you.

 

Yea it would be a slap to his face. You will be showing him that you don't need him to make you happy. If I was him that would hurt my ego.

 

Do the new girl go to the uni as well?

 

Which they so won't! Atleast by that point, I can truly be happy for him as he's NOT with the girl who contributed to ruining my R with him! I just can't figure out if it sucks more that he was saying "maybe in a few years time..." like he still maybe wanted to end up with me, and going as far as saying that we could still graduate together in like a year's time (this was before he confessed to cheating!) - like what was his plan, dump me, go away on holiday and get smashed with this girl and be sleeping with her all summer and then think he could actually manage to win me back in time for graduation?!

 

No the new girl doesn't so it'll save me having to see her around campus but she lives in that same city so they'll no doubt be out together all the time now that he's FINALLY got a g/f who he can do drugs with as opposed to one who respectively didn't but had no problems with it...obviously wasn't enough for him tho! I wouldn't care as much if our uni wasn't such a small place but we go to the same places all the time, like this gig is actually is a club that's not very big otherwise I'd be fine!

[Leandro]

Which they so won't! Atleast by that point, I can truly be happy for him as he's NOT with the girl who contributed to ruining my R with him! I just can't figure out if it sucks more that he was saying "maybe in a few years time..." like he still maybe wanted to end up with me, and going as far as saying that we could still graduate together in like a year's time (this was before he confessed to cheating!) - like what was his plan, dump me, go away on holiday and get smashed with this girl and be sleeping with her all summer and then think he could actually manage to win me back in time for graduation?!

 

No the new girl doesn't so it'll save me having to see her around campus but she lives in that same city so they'll no doubt be out together all the time now that he's FINALLY got a g/f who he can do drugs with as opposed to one who respectively didn't but had no problems with it...obviously wasn't enough for him tho! I wouldn't care as much if our uni wasn't such a small place but we go to the same places all the time, like this gig is actually is a club that's not very big otherwise I'd be fine!

 

He rather have a druggie who doesn't go to college rather than you??? He has some problems!

[ohno89]

He rather have a druggie who doesn't go to college rather than you??? He has some problems!

 

Well.....yeah. He's already a druggie and from what I heard, he didn't do too well at uni either so clearly he doesn't care about getting a degree anymore! Which should, and is a good thing for me.....who wants a frickin' dropout?!

 

Marigo - I forgot to mention the FB thing earlier, but I just blocked my ex's new g/f and my ex on FB shortly afterwards and I have to say...weirdly liberating! I feel free to roam around on FB now as I wish, not having their stupid little displays pictures come up or their comments....the only thing that stopped me doing it before - besides the fact that I only thought it stopped them contacting you, not completely wiping them, which is great! - but I didn't want my ex to know he was bothering me that much...especially 5months on. And besides, the only way he'll know I've blocked him is if he makes a conscious effort to find out, which I doubt he'll do, so whatever. Now are you SURE you don't wanna do the same...?!

[Leandro]

Well.....yeah. He's already a druggie and from what I heard, he didn't do too well at uni either so clearly he doesn't care about getting a degree anymore! Which should, and is a good thing for me.....who wants a frickin' dropout?!

 

Exactly!! Well the other girl wants a dropout but she can have him cause you will get some one way better and who has a degree!

[Leandro]

Hey Ohno89. Everything going alright? Good luck at the gig tomorrow! Remember to have a smile on and just enjoy it with your friends. If you see him just keep it cool. You can do it!

[ohno89]

Hey Ohno89. Everything going alright? Good luck at the gig tomorrow! Remember to have a smile on and just enjoy it with your friends. If you see him just keep it cool. You can do it!

 

Firsty Leandro - thank you for the little morale boost, it was very kind of you!

 

Wow. Well....I did go to the gig on friday and boy was it not how I expected the night to go. I was fine, with my friends, great mood, pretty drunk...I see my ex sat on the table next to us (g/f NOT at hand thankfully) but he doesn't see me. I'm actually sat with the other guy that I kinda like. Anyway, I wait to see if he sees me as I didn't really know what his reaction would be. He sees me, looks on, I waved and he kinda emptied the seat next to him so I went over. I did not think I'd be able to talk to him like that and be civil; I was just gonna ignore him but after 4.5 months NC, he was hard to carry on ignoring when he was right in front of me.

 

It was nice to see him but awful at the same time. Stupid me was pretty drunk and said things I really didn't want to....I wanted to talk to him normally and not show any signs of weakness but sadly, the alcohol and my emotions got the better of me. I wasn't too bad but I don't remember much whereas I think he was completely sober. This is the basic jist of what I've managed to remember:

 

- how are you?

- yeah I'm doing good, I've stopped doing drugs, I don't do them anymore, I just deal. I've grown up a lot, I've been working, I've finally gone to counselling for my anger issues etc

- you said one of the reasons we broke up was because I didn't do drugs and now you've stopped doing them and finally got counselling like I always urged you....why now? I mean its a bit of a slap in the face...is this new person so much more worth changing yourself for than I ever was?

- our R wasn't right but don't you think you've learnt so much from it?

- I know it wasn't and yes I have learnt a lot but you didn't have to end it the way you did.

- I do feel guilty for what happened...no trust me, I do...

- I don't think you felt guilty at all, you got into another R within a month of us breaking up after having cheated on me? You broke my heart this summer (why, oh why did I ever have to confirm that to him? I'm sure he knew already but still....), you can't keep treating people like this. You did it to your g/f before me; dropped her when I came along, dropped me when the next one came along and you're probably going to do the same to her. You never would've left me even if you wanted to until someone else came along.

- I know I do, I know I've got problems...we still shared some good times though, I still remember when we first met..you're still an amazing girl..you're looking good as usual

 

That's pretty much all I really remember and some other crap..

 

I then walked away, not really on good terms as he then proceeded to tell me that someone had been "stalking" him, calling him 20 times a day. He asked if it was me and I was a little shocked, actually thought he was joking at first but he said they'd left threatening messages to him and made me promise it wasn't me several times. I knew he still wasn't sure if he believed me so I got really annoyed that he actually thought it was me and had probably been telling people it was his "psycho ex". I told him that - as if seeing him for the first time after 5 months wasn't strange enough, he's now accusing me of stalking him?! I didn't have to stick around and defend myself and have him make me feel like **** so I walked away.

 

I don't really know how I feel about that whole thing anymore....my mind wasn't and isn't so focussed on him now that I'm back at uni which is far too hectic, and I'm glad I've got the first meeting over and done with, minus his g/f. I think I've also maybe gained as much closure that I'm ever gonna get from this.

 

I DO wish I hadn't of opened up to him as much as I did and been so honest about my hurt but tbh....when I was in front of him (and drunk), I just couldn't put on this "my life is perfect and I've completely forgiven and gotten over you" facade. He wouldn't see through it and hey, at least I wasn't playing any sort of games with him, I was civil, friendly, upfront and honest, not aggressive or rude at all...even managed to make him laugh again which was slightly...weird.

 

It was just hard. Hard hearing that actually, a lot of the time - whether it was just me trying to feel better - I've imagined that he just hit the drugs extra hard (which I heard off his friends as well), I read into stupid miserable display pictures on his fb like "god, he must be in quite a bad place" and actually felt sorry for him, and I hoped that just a little part of him missed me and questioned his decision. I also focused on the fact that he'd had no time to reflect, mourn or learn from our R after getting into another so quickly. So it was so awful to hear that finally - if he has started to clean up his act - for whatever reason, he couldn't/didn't want to do it with/me. From the outside, it looks like this new girl had entered his life and he was so taken by her, that he cheated on me, went off on holiday, had a crazy time with her, moved in with her that summer and now he's completely emerged himself into her life; her family, her friends, her way of living....he's really changed...his got a couple new piercings on his face too which I would never have imagined him with. But tbh, that makes me feel better; at least it confirmed how much he has changed and how much we'd grown apart and at least he's not the same guy with her as he was with me coz that was the guy that I loved. But...I dunno, it was hard to see that he seemed to be pretty much completely over me. That he felt bad about how he ended but he knew so well he'd made the right decision and that he can't seem to believe his luck meeting and now being with this "amazing" new girl.

 

When I was talking to him, he came across really genuine. Genuinely happy...and had I acted like I was completely fine and overly happy, I think he just would've just been genuinely happy for me rather than hurt. I then remembered how well this guy is at pleasing people and how manipulative he can be; I literally felt myself being sucked into him again with things he was saying. I then began to question if there was any remaining spite in him that's always been there, and that he was at all trying to rub things in my face. I mean, I know I did ask how he was doing so he told me but a simple "I'm doing good" would've been fine but the fact that he had the nerve to tell me that the drugs were a problem with us and now apparently he's clean?! And how he's doing so much better.....I wish I had acted like that...but I couldn't help it, I didn't feel the need to play games with him anymore. But....I dunno, my friends said they wouldn't put it passed him if he's still slightly bitter or spiteful and they said they don't think he ever wants me to be over him, the way he was reminding me of our past and kept telling me how good I looked. They don't believe that he's going completely clean either; in some recent-ish pictures of him, he still looked pretty out of it but I really don't know...maybe she has really changed him...

 

It's just awful because it seemed to play into all my securities about him and their R. I know I shouldn't focus on it but naturally, I imagined their R to be perfect; like she's no one he's ever met before coz she's so alternative and quirkly and that's she's managed to change him for the better. That he loves her, her family, gets along with all her friends and that they're "so perfect" for each other...its a horrible feeling but because I imagined this all to begin with, I guess it didn't shock me as much..I'm just said coz she seems to have replaced me so much as for the better, that everything he felt for me - which I do believe was a lot - he feels for her x10 and never realised there were better girls out there for him...he was always so overly dependant on me and constantly told me how he never wanted to lose me and that I'm everything to him but - as genuine as it sounded and as much as he never needed to say those things to me - maybe it was just bs. Maybe the more he said it, the more he convinced himself it was true...

 

I mean...so long as he doesn't marry this chick, I'll be fine...I know no R is perfect, all good things come to an end but I just feel like their R happened so soon after ours and got so serious so quickly, that its completely outshined ours to the point where he probably doesn't know what he was ever doing with me in the first place coz there are so much better things our there for him...hmm, its not a nice feeling...

 

Sorry for the rant and any mistakes in my post, I've sent this from my phone as I really needed to vent. Any insight would be lovely! x

[Leandro]

lol that must have taken forever to type!! Don't beat yourself up for what happen that night. It already happen and there is nothing you can do about it. You still did pretty good though.

 

Sorry I can't give out much advice for you this time.

[marigo]

Leandro, thank you for your kind words... I do always try to tell myself things like that to feel better lol, like her tattoos all down her arm are gonna look awful on her wedding day! It's just awful coz stupidly, I thought I was different...they way he'd talk about our future, anyone would think we were set and I think even he was a little in shock after he cheated coz he kept saying "I can't believe I've done this to YOU". He obviously regarded me pretty highly until she came along and I don't think he would've even considered leaving me if he wasn't sure that the new person was worth it, so it's just natural but AWFUL for me to assume that she's obviously better..but I guess she was just what he wanted at this point in his life....which sucks coz he honestly thought he could put us on hold coz he couldn't possibly miss the "oppotunity" to be with her..

 

And about the gig...I DID end up getting tickets, mainly coz - altho my closest friends know how I'm feeling - I don't wanna have to tell other people I'm not going coz of him, that's just pathetic...I just need to get back to the idea I had in my head of going and having an amazing time. It can surely only be a slap in the face for him to see me still having a good time while him and his new thing are there..right?

 

Marigo, thank you so much for coming on here and replying even though you're not feeling the best yourself, I've missed you! How you holding up? I was actually gonna PM you y'day but like you, all I could do was cry while I was on here and I was just exhausted, I just carried on crying but in bed! And I'm sorry about the whole comment thing as well, I might just copy all this now just in case!

 

I'm not back at uni just yet no, I should be going tomorrow and this thing's on Friday and then we start properly on Monday... I just hate how this is an issue for us Marigo! I hate bitchin' and moaning all the time, I even feel like a brat for my last two posts coz people are probably going through so much worse but..it just sucks that we have to face this you know? I just feel a little hard done by that people actually up and move to a different city to get away from something like that but we HAVE TO go back to that same place we spent time with our ex's at, face everything, and keep a smile on our face and keep our grades up at the same time...it's just hard.

 

Thank you for all your input with the other guy situation and thank you for believing that it's not just me being shi**y to my ex but you're absolutely right; I'm not gonna force it...I mean I don't even know how into me he even is so if it happens then it does, if it doesn't then it doesn't and we can still remain friends. I think it kinda just opened my eyes a little like, in 1.5yrs, me and my ex have broken up 3 times in total so my ex has questioned his R with me that many times, but then here's a guy who's liked me for about 3yrs now (he's had R's inbetween) but I always played it off like him being goofy and so not R material, I always just thought I was drawn to him coz he was a cool guy, like he's so funny and that's always attractive to me even if you're bald and hairy! But I've always been so quick to dismiss him (and obviously rightfully so because I was in a R) but now that I'm not, why can't I give him a go...it's just unfortunate that we had that bit of history which my ex would and now will always be able to use against me like "I was right all along" but....fact it, he cheated on me and already made plans to go away with this girl while he was STILL in a R with me and BEFORE he knew that I'd gone to this guy's party.. I could've just not gone out with my friends at all and sat at home pining over him for the 2 weeks he literally told me to "leave him alone" with no explanation and it wouldn't have changed the fact that he went behind my back and cheated. There, guilt over! (I think!)

 

Marigo I can completely sympathise with you there. Same thing happened to me last summer when my ex went travelling and I met a great guy at home but my ex and I were still very much in contact and I think we knew we'd get back together eventually. Which we did. This other guy then got a gf and they were totally in love and then when my ex told me "you'll find someone better than me, someone that won't hurt you", I screamed in anger at him that "I did and I frickin' gave him up for you?!" It really made me think about what my life would've been like if I went for this guy...but guess who I heard from a couple weeks ago? That same guy from last summer. He's not with him gf anymore and probably noticed that I wasn't with my ex so he got back in touch. Granted that I'm not looking for anything serious atm at all, he did come back. What I'm trying to say is, I really don't think you should beat yourself up too much about this guy; it's shi**y that your ex had to be the reason for it, but if you're not ready, than you're not; you did the right thing. And if this guy is genuine enough and it's meant to be, maybe it could still work out in the future when you're ready. You'd probably be kicking yourself more had you rushed into this not being ready and ended up really hurting this guy and yourself.

 

And you're totally right on the "not thinking about us" thing...my ex sure wasn't thinking about me - his gf at the time - when he had his tongue down some other girls throat! I just would hate for my ex to be right about this other guy and have seen a connection with us before even before I did! Even still, at least I can safely say I remained 100% faithful during the R whereas he didn't.

 

And lol, I'm glad I'm not the only one who notices crap like that..it's awful isn't it? I seem to have a hard time understanding how much and why he changed so much...my ex made me feel awful when we were breaking up but before he told me he cheated; he started saying that he felt like he couldn't be himself around me and I make him feel bad about the way he is....he was literally talking about the drugs. He'd always tell me how much he loved the fact that he COULD be himself around me completely and I still loved him all the same, etc etc...but I think he started to believe that him under the influence of drugs, was who he "actually" was. Although I never really had an issue with him doing drugs, I think he felt that because he wasn't so into them when he first met me, he thought I wouldn't like who he was on drugs and he felt like he needed to hide stuff from me coz I didn't do drugs and wouldn't understand. So that obviously turned into me not "letting him be himself" which was complete BS. I know I met my ex when he'd literally just started uni and people grow and change and "find themselves" in that time but.....I guess I was just naive in thinking we would grow and change together and not apart...

 

Marigo, as well as us losing our bfs, we've also lost what we thought would be our future and I think that's definately adding to us not being able to let go, coz it's not just about letting go of that person but that future we had set out for us....maybe we need to just accept that that's not our life anymore and thing's aren't gonna pan out the way we hoped but it doesn't mean they're gonna be awful. I know I'm trying to give you advice when I'm suffering from the same thoughts, but what if we started looking forward to graduating with all our amazing friends who have helped us through this....start looking forward to an alternative but still exciting future. I was very much there before this stupid little FB setback... I know that there's so much I wanna do and see in this world while I'm still young - and although it would've been great to share these experiences with my ex - that's not gonna happen anymore but that's okay; we can do it alone. to be honest, I didn't realise how much I did wanna do before me and my ex broke up... I guess I saw him having this standard life of moving in together and working and getting married and having kids but...who wants a standard life?!

 

The world is full of many possibilities, many oppotunities and so many people....I'm sure the right one will just fall into our arms one day! Marigo keep your head up and keep posting on here if it makes you feel better, it'd be good to see how you're doing x

 

Hey ohno89,

 

I seriously need to copy and paste the stuff i write on here because this is my 3rd attempt trying to reply! The first one i got logged out again. The second time, my stupid internet crashed. Ugh! Anyway, im sorry again for being away for a while. Ive missed you too!! Hows everything been for you?? Since my response is a week late, im sure uve been back to school! Hows school going for you?? And how was the gig on Friday?? Ive been meaning to ask you that since i know uve been contemplating about it. Felt like i havent talked to you in forever so im sure u have plenty of stories!! And ur very welcome dear. You dont even have to thank me for responding here because im glad to be able to help people. I know its not easy. Well, i dont know if im really helping in terms of giving advice but i know having someone to vent to helps a lot. So thank you so much for being such a good friend on here!

 

Ive been okay. Its still a rollercoaster. I mean i saw my ex last thursday and had to talk to him because my boss told me to ask him something. So we ended up talking for about an hour and it was normal. I remember i was actually sad of the fact that we're talking and im not hurting which means that im close to being over it. Its like im sad of the fact that im talking to him and im okay. ISnt that weird? Maybe its the thing ive been denying since before. I dont WANT to be over it. Thats why im choosing to keep holding on and hurting myself. I sound so weird and dumb saying all these things. But i dont know. I was talking to him a lot about my summer and he was talking about his family.I could tell he couldnt say much because his life now and his life over the summer was all about his new gf now. Something he knows i dont want to talk about. On monday i did see him again while walking out of work and he was walking to class. Our workplace and his class was around the same area. But we stopped and thats it. I was soo close to crying! Its the feeling that we cant even give each other hugs even as friends. Our goodbye is "see yah." It hurts so bad to have someone as your bestfriend before and now your basically strangers.

 

I completely agree about the whole other people get to move away and never have to see their exes again while we have to go back to the place thats filled with memories and everywhere you go reminds you of your ex. Dont worry about having to vent all the time because this whole thing is very difficult. I mean sometimes i think, maybe this whole thing shouldve happened senior year and that way after graduation, i dont have to see him again. Yet at the same time, if this happens and we're graduating, id die of the fact that we cant be there on each others' graduation. But right now, its hard for you and i you know? Its our last year and there are all these things we were supposed to do with our exes and its hard to let that go. The past few days, ive been using the whole "if we were still together..." line. Its been gloomy and rainy and id remember that whenever the weather was like this, we'd just cuddle at his apartment, take naps together, and just relax. Also, we both have a whole lot more free time now which means that if we're still together, we'd have plenty of time to relax and get our work done at the same time. Omg, im starting again. Ugh!!! I hate this!!! How are you doing in this area? Since uve been back, im sure there had been some tough times on your part.

 

About the guy that your ex hates. You know how almost everyone whos been broken up to has a tendency to blame themselves?? So i think the reason that its bothering you so much is that not only do you naturally have the tendency to blame yourself right now because you're hurting but your ex is making you blame yourself so he can take the guilt away from him. What a jerk! Sorry. But i totally know the feeling of one day your ex would say "i was right all along" and then the whole break up is basically turned against you. I just wish it didnt bother you as much because it seems that youve always been attracted to this guy physically and emotionally, but at the time, your ex was in the picture and you are a loyal person so you wouldnt think about any of these things. But it seems that your ex is just in the way of this whole thing with this guy because you dont want him to use it against you. I still think hes dumb for doing this because he cheated!! Ugh, he makes me mad. He has to use someone else and put the blame on someone else so the topic of him cheating can be ignored and it pisses me off!

 

But girl, BRAVO!!! i cannot believe you said that to your ex!! That you did meet someone better but you gave that guy up for him.. Just curious, what did you ex say?? And you said this guy contacted you?? Wait, is it the same guy as the guy your ex hates? Sorry, i just got confused!

 

Your ex sounds like mine. Although mine didnt do drugs or anything but they both changed in the relationship. I mean your ex said that you're not letting him be by himself because he believes that his "drugged" self is more him. Yeah, i think thats the drugs doing the talking. But i hate when exes put it like it was your fault. My ex was never really into partying. I know he does like to drink every once in a while. But for the most part, he'd rather be with me and spend time with me. But gues what? When we were breaking up, he told me that he felt like he lost all his friends because of this relationship and thats why i know towards the end of the relationship, he's been bitter with me. He started getting into partying more and stuff like that. He changed. But what do you know, now that he has a gf, his outlook is the same as when we were together. Hed rather spend time with her than his friends. Oh yeah, i never stopped him from going to parties or even drinking, i mean, yeah i didnt completely like it when hes out partying and im not there but i still let him and i didnt say anything. He just assumed so many things and chose to be with me than his friends and then blaming me for losing his friends. Its just unfair you know? And i see its almost the same as your situation when your ex said that he "cant be himself" hence, do drugs because you dont and he thinks you wont understand. Thats what they get for assuming!!! So freaking annoying!

 

And i actually laughed when you said that you're giving me advice but you're suffering from the same thing. Same with me. But your def right though. We would take a couple steps back at times. We would get emotional. We would get hurt. But we really do have to keep looking forward. Again, im saying this to you right now when my earlier paragraphs, i was just complaining how "if we're still together" god, im so confusing. But i guess what im trying to say is that, we'd have our ups and downs. Mostly it would be down moments but just like before, we have to get over certain thoughts in order to move forward. I feel that ive gotten used to that. Id be sad about something and then id get over it.

 

Anyway, im sure you have a lot of stories since its been a while!! Keep me updated!!

[ohno89]

Okay, can I just start off by saying, sliiiightly drunk, but feeling the need to vent.

 

Secondly; Marigo sweetheart, I promise I will give you a better reply as SOON as I get a chance. We currently don't have the internet at our new flat at uni so I've only been on LS a couple times on my slow-ass phone, again, to vent! But I hope you're doing okay, you're in my thoughts!

 

So basically, latest entry on on blog; since I saw my ex and spoke to him at this gig on friday, I've managed to see him around campus 3times since them and each time, it drains me. It slumps my mood down by 10% of whatever it was before. I don't really hate him, I don't think I'll (hopefully) ever even cry about him again but still....its just awful seeing this person, who was pretty much your life for a year and a half, just walking down the street like a complete stranger. I think a couple of those times, my friends I was with said he def saw me but I always made an effort to act oblivious because I don't know how to act. Because I DID speak to him that night at the gig, I feel like it would be weird to ignore him after that just coz I'm sober, but he DID try and insinuate that I was frickin' stalking him like the ass that he is so, I dunno.....its just weird. I guess I should just count myself lucky that his new gf doesn't go to university and I don't have to see them around together but.....man, its weird seeing how much he's changed. SHE'S got several tattoos and piercings and now he has a couple piercings on his face....dresses a little different now; a little more "quirky" and its just weird seeing him like that....I feel like she's either "moulded" him or he's just emerged himself in her life to the point where he's dressing like her coz that is NOT all down to him...

 

I dunno....I've just read about how - sometimes in these situations - the person that leaves for another, sometimes regrets their decision and apologies or comes running back to their ex and I often wish that'd be the case with my ex...I don't know why coz I DO really feel like I'm over it (or atleast getting there). I feel little emotion towards him, his R or what he's doing now and if he's happy, then he's happy but...I dunno; I think in situations where your ex may have left for someone else, there's always gonna be a slight tinge or wanting an apology or a show of remorse.....its just the way the world works....