Overbearing Mother--How to Cope

[mustangsally]

I'm an adult, 26, and suffer from an autoimmune disease that has made it very difficult to work. I do work when I can, but for the past three months I have been very, very ill and was forced to live with my parents to get my finances in order.

 

To put it bluntly, my mother is overbearing. She micromanages everything--to a point of total annoyance. She also sees my bank statements, which has been necessary when I'm ill as she's given me money from time to time when I've been very sick for doctor's appointments and infusions. Because of this, she tells me exactly how to manage my money, what I'm doing wrong, etc, etc.

 

I try to just live with it, because it's just the way it has to be, but recently it came to a head. I did a baking project last night and I respect that this is her home and her oven, so I listened to her preferences about what to do with the dishes and how to heat the oven, etc. But she took it a few steps too far--standing over me and telling me how to fill the cupcakes, how to frost them, etc., etc.

 

This morning, while putting medicine on myself and MY dog, my mom stood there telling me exactly how to do it.

 

The huge issue is that when I'm not ill, I am very independent. I have lived abroad twice, went to school 3,000 miles away from her--yet it seems like she feels I am this sick child in a box. It makes me feel like I can't do anything right and really puts a damper on my self-esteem.

 

When I was a teenager, we did go to counseling where my parents were told they were very overbearing. They didn't listen to anything the counselor had to say and tried to make excuses as to why they're that way--they just care about me so much, they just love me, they just want what's best for me.

 

I understand at this point, I cannot change her. However, when I assert myself and try to tell her to back off, she tries to guilt trip me and tell me how she just loves me and I don't need to be so rude.

 

I admit I'm not perfect, but this is really, really frustrating me. I don't know what else to do since moving out isn't an option for another 5 weeks or so.

[Tayla]

WOW, So when you commented to your mom

"Mom, I am on a tight budget and do appreciate your free guilt trip, but go ahead and take it in my place! You deserve it more then I."

Or "Mom, have you considered taking your managing skills to a book author, you could fair well to share with the world how things need to be done"

 

I had an overbearing relative who was agasp when I said that, yet years later (not months unfortunately), THe relative sat and expressed somewhat gratitude for me stepping up to them and bringing to light the overbearingness.

 

Counselor or not, your parents need to understand your predicament, Usually when someone is overbearing they have a real issue with self effacement as you so easily described during the counseling episodes.