The stay or leave dilemma

[gentleguy]

Hi all,

 

I'm in a 15-year marriage (no kids, wife's kids long grown up) which has been giving me a strong mix of security, torment, comfort, desperation, love, suffocation, nurturing and oppression.

 

The marriage is seriously power-imbalanced in her favour - she's 15 years older than me, she plays me skillfully, knows how to push all my buttons, and can easily get the upper hand on me. She's so staunch on her own wants and principles in the marriage ("my way or the highway") I find I'm afraid to even hint there's things I'm not happy with.

 

So basically it amounts to two choices - stay or leave.

 

A big part of me wants to get the hell out and reclaim myself.

 

But the other part of me is terrified to do this, so afraid to be alone. Especially, I'm scared of burning my bridges, and ending up messed up with permanent remorse for destroying something which I only appreciate after it's gone.

 

It's impossible to know how I'd feel, down the track, if I leave.

 

Will I feel "Why the hell did I put up with this sh*t for so long?!" Or, will I feel "You stupid horrible pig, you destroyed the best thing you ever had going for you!"

 

I'd be keen to hear from others who have confronted similar dilemmas, and ended up with good or not so good outcomes.

 

I'd also appreciate some suggestions on how to find the best quality support and resources to help me work through this, to end up with the best possible outcome for all.

 

Thanks in advance for your help

[giotto]

try a temporary separation and see how it goes...

[Tethys]

I've stayed in relationships for fear of being lonely and I regret doing it. Do you really know that you'll be lonely? What would stop you from meeting someone new if you left your current wife?

[xxoo]

Have you been to counseling? Individual counseling, I mean...not marriage counseling. Your wife sounds abusive, and marriage counseling would likely be pointless.

 

You need to end a relationship that brings your torment, desperation, suffocation, and oppression. If you are afraid to leave, go to individual counseling and work through those issues.

[You Go Girl]

Hi all,

 

I'm in a 15-year marriage (no kids, wife's kids long grown up) which has been giving me a strong mix of security, torment, comfort, desperation, love, suffocation, nurturing and oppression.

 

The marriage is seriously power-imbalanced in her favour - she's 15 years older than me, she plays me skillfully, knows how to push all my buttons, and can easily get the upper hand on me. She's so staunch on her own wants and principles in the marriage ("my way or the highway") I find I'm afraid to even hint there's things I'm not happy with.

 

So basically it amounts to two choices - stay or leave.

 

A big part of me wants to get the hell out and reclaim myself.

 

But the other part of me is terrified to do this, so afraid to be alone. Especially, I'm scared of burning my bridges, and ending up messed up with permanent remorse for destroying something which I only appreciate after it's gone.

 

It's impossible to know how I'd feel, down the track, if I leave.

 

Will I feel "Why the hell did I put up with this sh*t for so long?!" Or, will I feel "You stupid horrible pig, you destroyed the best thing you ever had going for you!"

 

I'd be keen to hear from others who have confronted similar dilemmas, and ended up with good or not so good outcomes.

 

I'd also appreciate some suggestions on how to find the best quality support and resources to help me work through this, to end up with the best possible outcome for all.

 

Thanks in advance for your help

 

I understand how you are feeling all too well. I could write what you have written above, changed only by the necessary facts.

 

As you sort through what you are going through, what has transpired, and how it has changed both of you, you are going to feel neither of the above on the bolded sentence. More than likely you are instead going to feel: why is it that it is so difficult for two people to co-exist without stepping on each other's dignity? Why couldn't we have seen eye-to-eye?

 

It is a special kind of manipulator that can nurture, provide security, love, and torment you at the same time.

There's a simple test for this kind of relationship.

Pick one battle, just one, that you really care very deeply about, the one that bothers you the most. This is the issue that you are going to force the relationship to become balanced with, or, the relationship will fail.

If she refuses to acknowledge your pov, feelings, or have open honest discussions, then you will know what you are dealing with.

Otherwise, if successful in communication, it will open the door to better communication and understanding between the two of you all around.

 

So you are not finished here yet. You have to assert yourself to see if balance can be achieved. Being afraid to even hint that you are unhappy with some things is living scared. Time to stop that.

Pick your issue that you are unhappy with carefully, and then find out what is at the heart of your relationship: either open understanding compassionate communication and conflict resolution, or...muck.

You don't know who or what you are dealing with until you force an attempt at balancing this relationship. You have your suspicions, now find out.

[BettyBoop]

Aren't you the guy who posted before who's wife used to be your own IC and then you two got married?

 

I stay assured she is not the best thing that ever happened to you and that you were taken advantage of when you were at a very very vulnerable point in life.

 

No feelings for that other woman still?

[mem11363]

GG,

Are you financially independent or is she by far the primary breadwinner?

 

 

Hi all,

 

I'm in a 15-year marriage (no kids, wife's kids long grown up) which has been giving me a strong mix of security, torment, comfort, desperation, love, suffocation, nurturing and oppression.

 

The marriage is seriously power-imbalanced in her favour - she's 15 years older than me, she plays me skillfully, knows how to push all my buttons, and can easily get the upper hand on me. She's so staunch on her own wants and principles in the marriage ("my way or the highway") I find I'm afraid to even hint there's things I'm not happy with.

 

So basically it amounts to two choices - stay or leave.

 

A big part of me wants to get the hell out and reclaim myself.

 

But the other part of me is terrified to do this, so afraid to be alone. Especially, I'm scared of burning my bridges, and ending up messed up with permanent remorse for destroying something which I only appreciate after it's gone.

 

It's impossible to know how I'd feel, down the track, if I leave.

 

Will I feel "Why the hell did I put up with this sh*t for so long?!" Or, will I feel "You stupid horrible pig, you destroyed the best thing you ever had going for you!"

 

I'd be keen to hear from others who have confronted similar dilemmas, and ended up with good or not so good outcomes.

 

I'd also appreciate some suggestions on how to find the best quality support and resources to help me work through this, to end up with the best possible outcome for all.

 

Thanks in advance for your help

[Silly_Girl]

GG, I read all your posts. What I'm scared of for you is that if you front your wife up and go for a temporary separation she will have the ability to tell you how darned stoopid you're being and the power imbalance will get worse. When you stay because you're not 'brave enough' to go? Ouch.

 

I think you might feel it's all or nothing. You stay and 'embrace', or you run for the hills.

 

I genuinely believe that whatever you feel now, a break from all things relationship would do you the world of good. You definitely could do with getting to know the new you a little better. I'd love to think you could do that with your wife's blessing, but I'm not convinced.

 

I do think you may end up being a pretty shabby husband though, if you don't look up now and address things. It will be difficult but your marriage needs you to take some time away. If you CAN do it, it'll do wonders for the dynamic of the marriage too, should you and your wife decide you have a future together. My heart really does go out to you. You remind me of someone else.

[gentleguy]

Aren't you the guy who posted before who's wife used to be your own IC and then you two got married?

 

I stay assured she is not the best thing that ever happened to you and that you were taken advantage of when you were at a very very vulnerable point in life.

 

No feelings for that other woman still?

 

Thanks Betty. Yes, I'm the same guy. And yes, the feelings for the OW never went away, I was just kidding myself. In fact, I've been seeing her regularly, both at work and outside of work off the radar. I've been building a strong close friendship, no physical intimacy at this stage, just treasuring the emotional depths and growing trust.

 

I totally don't have my head on straight. At times my wife feels like my liberator, other times my jailer.

 

It's hitting me more and more that I need some intensive individual counselling. I'll need to do the counselling sessions covertly. My wife would be outraged if I told her I wanted counselling with another therapist, she would be hurt insulted by me not taking my problems to her.

[BettyBoop]

It's hitting me more and more that I need some intensive individual counselling. I'll need to do the counselling sessions covertly. My wife would be outraged if I told her I wanted counselling with another therapist, she would be hurt insulted by me not taking my problems to her.

 

I agree I think IC would be a great tool for you to get some outside perspective of a professional who won't try to take you to her bed! (Pick a male one just to be sure..)

 

I don't care what your wife thinks and to be honest, if she really values your wellbeing she will see beyond her own selfishness and controlling behaviour and realise that her hubby needs some IC from someone who *doesn't* know how to press your buttons.

 

Just let her know that if she wants the marriage to work - she will support your decision of IC. If she refuses - you go anyway. She isn't your mother and you're a grown man. You make your own money, right? Your money - you may spend them on IC for yourself and your own wellbeing.

 

You know my ex-fiancé was *very* against me going to see a therapist when I was feeling very depressed and lost in our relationship. He kept saying my therapist would only tear him and me apart and kept asking me to stop going. He said the therapist would change me for the worst.

- I told him to go screw himself and went anyway. (I broke up with him of course, but not because of my therapy - but because I realised he didn't want what was best for me, just for himself)

Maybe it's time to do what I did and just go anyway? If you don't love yourself and take care of yourself - who else will?

[BettyBoop]

- I told him to go screw himself and went anyway.

 

Well, okay, I didn't actually tell him that...It went more along the lines of "Honey, you know I just want to feel good about myself again, I feel so lost. Please, I love you so much but I really need this. I'm not happy with myself and then I cannot be a good fiancée."

 

...but now looking back I wish I'd told him to go screw himself for trying to keep me as the broken little doll I was back then.