Question regarding NC, whats your view?

[Sheppy99]

So the old NC. Does it really work? I guess there is no real answer to that. Depends on the situation, the person you're doing it too and a lot of other things so there will never be a solid answer to that.

 

 

However what I'm wondering is, lots of books I have read states that as the dumpee, you should contact your ex after a month of NC to start the initial contact again. They say you need to do this so they don't move on completely from you if your goal is to get the other person back. They offer lots of great advice on how you should act on your first "meet" up etc. My question is, how do you break your own NC even after a month without looking even the slightest bit needy all over again? And how can you possibly avoid falling into the dreaded friendship zone. To me if you started NC with your significant other because they wanted to be "friends" after the break up but you didn't want it. How will initiating contact after a month avoid that from happening? To me it is just going to excite her that you're willing to be that "friend" figure she wanted from the get go. It's also going to give her comfort that you're back in the picture again so all that second thoughts she was having and missing you would all be for not again.

 

 

Yes I understand their side of the argument. If you truly want your ex back you can't let NC go too long as you run the risk of her/him moving on as well. But really to me you're just prolonging what she/he wanted from the start, the friendship. They indicate methods in the books I've read where you can get out of that friendship zone by acting a certain way when you hang out with her and making yourself scarce when she tries to contact you. I just don't see the percentages of changing someones mind about being friends all that great by your actions. The only real way to feel comfortable with someone changing their mind is if they did it on their own (thus no contact)

 

 

I dunno guys, what do you think?

 

Do you think straight up NC until your ex considers reconciliation on her/his own is the way to go?

 

or

 

Do you think they have an argument as far as you don't want to leave the NC too long as you run the risk of having your ex think you've moved on therefore they will move on too.

 

 

I've read stories on here of ex's 6-12 months later of NC pop up out of no where saying what a mistake they made. To me that would mean more than cheap tricks and acts to get your ex back.

[Ajax]

I think the books about getting your ex back create false hope to make more money. I havn't ponied up the money for one, but I suspect the tricks in them aren't 100% effective. At the end of the day, if someone doesn't want you they don't want you.

 

I think the only way to maintain self respect and dignity is to wait for the dumper to contact you. Especially if they wanted "time" or "space." My ex needed both. Needless to say, I won't be reaching out to her.

[lvixen]

If you want your ex back, don't play games, they almost never work. Contacting your ex (as the dumpee) after a month of NC just seems so stupid to me. You should never be contacting your ex during NC as NC is for you to heal and nothing more.

 

I agree with the person above me that either they want you or don't. You can't make someone miss you if they don't already. Same with love, you can't make someone love you. Ignore those foolish books, sounds like a bunch of bad advice to me.

[9Lives]

nc is for healing and moving on only. its not a game for sure. if they want u back, its best to let them contact you. if u contact them, the chances of being rejected or whatnot is high.

 

I believe tho nc is hard..it best for getting yourself back and building your life back without that person. all the random texts or ignored calls or wondering or hoping is mentally damaging and agonizing. nc is hard but more rewarding as time goes on

[Sheppy99]

Great advice everybody and it sounds like most peoples point of view falls along the same lines as mine.

 

I didn't buy those books. I can get pretty much anything for free on the net if you look hard enough. I was just interested to see what their great advice was and to be honest. It isn't really that "great".

 

I totally agree with everybody here. I think the whole if you don't contact her after the month or she'll move on and if you don't buy my book you won't know what to say or how to act after that month is just plain ol scare tactics.

 

My ex does miss me, she's already stated that to me in an email but I mean missing me is only going to grow stronger as time goes on and maybe it makes her realize some things and maybe it doesn't but I think you guys are right and the NC is what's best for me right now. I feel a heck of a lot better 3.5 weeks later and don't really feel any need to want to contact her at all.

 

Part of me still wants her to change and come back saying all things I'd want to hear for me to feel secure in taking her back but I need to be real. Missing me doesn't make someone change what they want most of the time.

[Don Ho]

I think you should continue NC for yourself and do not contact as the others just stated. Exes often come back, one way or another at some time. Then you have to decide at that point if you REALLY do want them back or would take them back. Often at that point that answer is "no".

[Sheppy99]

I think you should continue NC for yourself and do not contact as the others just stated. Exes often come back, one way or another at some time. Then you have to decide at that point if you REALLY do want them back or would take them back. Often at that point that answer is "no".

 

You're totally right Don. I treated that girl like gold but she wasn't ready for a serious relationship as she still loves her party lifestyle a lot. I have a feeling she will come back possibly someday but I'm not stopping living my life in hopes of it or not meeting new people and experiencing new possibilities. She would have to say a lot of the right things to even have me consider taking her back and I dunno if she's capable of realizing them.

 

I'm feeling really great lately in my healing process. Anytime I've been feeling down I've been hitting the gym and it's really made me feel a ton better. I find that I haven't touched my "list" of negative things I wrote about us for over a week. That's really helped as well put things into perspective.

 

I swear by these things now for anybody else out there going through hell. No contact, the list, and doing something healthy for yourself like joining a gym and going anytime you feel down. Positive endorphins work wonders

[durkadurka]

I have to agree with Don. The statistical likelihood of getting an ex back isn't great at the best of times.

 

If they see you struggle, mope, bitch, and whine your way through the post break up phase you will be more of a burden, and less of a reward when they look at you.

 

Frankly, it doesn't happen overnight. You don't talk to them, you add some mystery and intrigue to you, but you also run the risk of them moving on.

 

But as many others have reiterated on the board, it takes time to fix the mistakes that led to the downfall of your relationship.

 

Since I stopped talking to my ex, I joined 3 sports teams, I've lost 15 pounds, I'm muscular again finally after being a doughboy for so long, and I'm having fun. Sure my heart longs for her, but I wouldn't be doing her any favors by talking to her.

 

So NC is the natural progression of that, why talk to someone when nothing has changed? You broke up for those reasons so why would they want to talk about it?

[Sheppy99]

Yeah I hear ya. To me reconciliation is a 2 part process to me. #1 they have to want the reconciliation and #2 they have to be willing to accept the reasons the relationship failed and tell you how it is going to be better next time. Obviously it's a 50/50 thing but if they aren't willing to assume some of the responsibility to why it ended and offer ways that they can compromise for the future so it doesn't happen again, don't waste your time. Them wanting you back is only half the battle. If they don't have a grasp on why it didn't work and how that can be fixed so it can work in the future, you'll just go through hurt again down the road sooner than you think.

 

 

Yeah man when I was with her I had 0 time to go to the gym, she wanted to hang out like every night. When I broke up I said to myself this is a perfect opportunity to get back into shape, the shape i was in when i played hockey when I was younger. 3 weeks of going to the gym 6 times a week and man what a diff. Pants are crazy loose and I'm feeling amazing. This break up could be the best thing that's ever happened to me

[isitreal]

People like to assume NC is like the butterfly effect, where you touch a butterfly and in the future the next iPhone will never be invented, or something that you wish would happen - such as reuniting with an ex- will occur.

 

Your ex will come back if he/she wants. If he/she doesn't, whining, pining and crying wont help at all, all it'll do is make you look weak, unfit to be the man/woman in her life and desperate.

 

In my experience, the only good thing about breakups and NCs are they are the situations that have provided me with the most growth as a mature individual in my entire life...

 

I gain physical strength from working out, mental strength from doing things that I didn't have time for and with the extra energy I could waste crying over my ex... I work on all the REAL issues that broke up the relationship (hopefully you at least talked about those) so they are never an issue again. I become a better person and that is the most important thing. You might feel you're not good enough for an ex right now in all your vulnerability, but keep yourself busy, and you may realize the breakup may have been one of the best things to ever happen to you. Maybe it was you who was not ready for a SERIOUS end all be all relationship. Please use this time to truthfully and honestly self-reflect.

 

...the point is nothing you do will change an exes mind unless they wanted to reunite with you from the very start. But whether or not he/she comes back you will be V2.0 YOU, someone who can deal with the old problems and then some... or, if he/she never comes back, you will be in the position to trade up and be with women/men of a higher calibre.

 

Cheer up.

[Billie The Puppet]

I think there are reasonable amount of times NC can be broken by a dumpee but 1 month is not a reasonable amount of time.

 

Truly if one is ready to be in the friends zone and I mean physically, mentally and emotionally ready they could phone an ex after 6 months to a year (This will vary for every individual) who may have otherwise forgotten about them in an effort to catch up over coffee. (Something may even spark but it's best to go into such scenario with out such aspirations)

[durkadurka]

People like to assume NC is like the butterfly effect, where you touch a butterfly and in the future the next iPhone will never be invented, or something that you wish would happen - such as reuniting with an ex- will occur.

 

Your ex will come back if he/she wants. If he/she doesn't, whining, pining and crying wont help at all, all it'll do is make you look weak, unfit to be the man/woman in her life and desperate.

 

In my experience, the only good thing about breakups and NCs are they are the situations that have provided me with the most growth as a mature individual in my entire life...

 

I gain physical strength from working out, mental strength from doing things that I didn't have time for and with the extra energy I could waste crying over my ex... I work on all the REAL issues that broke up the relationship (hopefully you at least talked about those) so they are never an issue again. I become a better person and that is the most important thing. You might feel you're not good enough for an ex right now in all your vulnerability, but keep yourself busy, and you may realize the breakup may have been one of the best things to ever happen to you. Maybe it was you who was not ready for a SERIOUS end all be all relationship. Please use this time to truthfully and honestly self-reflect.

 

...the point is nothing you do will change an exes mind unless they wanted to reunite with you from the very start. But whether or not he/she comes back you will be V2.0 YOU, someone who can deal with the old problems and then some... or, if he/she never comes back, you will be in the position to trade up and be with women/men of a higher calibre.

Cheer up.

 

This is a challenging scenario at best. After I broke up with my ex, she invited me to come down and visit her (she now lives across the country).

 

What I didn't realize is that, despite the fact she said she didn't want an LDR and said she didn't want me to have any expectations, she did want to discuss the future with me.

 

The problem is that post break up relationships are like the cold war no one is really willing to give an inch, and no one is willing to talk about anything and it becomes a pure guess.

 

Even though such an opportunity presented itself, I shot it down. While that might seem silly to others, it still doesn't seem silly to me. The fact that she couldn't bring it up herself demonstrated that she wanted me to take a leap of faith, and for me nothing had changed.

 

So, despite the fact that the opportunity was there, the foundations hadn't changed enough.

 

Only time will tell if it was smart or not.

[Sheppy99]

This is a challenging scenario at best. After I broke up with my ex, she invited me to come down and visit her (she now lives across the country).

 

What I didn't realize is that, despite the fact she said she didn't want an LDR and said she didn't want me to have any expectations, she did want to discuss the future with me.

 

The problem is that post break up relationships are like the cold war no one is really willing to give an inch, and no one is willing to talk about anything and it becomes a pure guess.

 

Even though such an opportunity presented itself, I shot it down. While that might seem silly to others, it still doesn't seem silly to me. The fact that she couldn't bring it up herself demonstrated that she wanted me to take a leap of faith, and for me nothing had changed.

 

So, despite the fact that the opportunity was there, the foundations hadn't changed enough.

 

Only time will tell if it was smart or not.

 

Love that analogy man and it's sooooo true. Nobody wants to put themselves out there for fear of rejection or being hurt so everything kind of stays at a stalemate until someone is willing to make the first move which may never happen depending on many different factors. My ex is very very stubborn and has a lot of friends who she parties with to fill her time so I'm not holding my breath that she'll break the NC but who knows. Maybe she'll wake up hungover some morning and realize this life is getting old and she wants something more. Like others before have said I am not waiting around for that to happen nor do I care it does. I learned a lot of great lessons from my relationship that is going to allow me to be better in the next one and not try to settle down with a girl who obviously wasn't ready.

 

 

You're situation with the LDR is super tough but there is one part of it I do envy, you don't have to see her everyday like me with my ex at work. It's tough having to look up from your desk and seeing your ex walk by. That gulp in my stomach is getting a lil less and less every time she walks by though and I don't mean to say this about her to sound mean or bitter (I'm honestly a lil worried) but lately she has looked absolutely awful. Totally disheveled and just doesn't seem her normal put together self. Than I have the guy that sits near her now totally eyeballing the crap out of me lately which is kind of creepy but whatever, I'm not going to read too much into that though and make a big deal out of it. I'm a very laid back person so I'm not one for confrontation and saying "hey dip****, got a problem?" lol. Well that and cause it's my place of work, lol.

[durkadurka]

Love that analogy man and it's sooooo true. Nobody wants to put themselves out there for fear of rejection or being hurt so everything kind of stays at a stalemate until someone is willing to make the first move which may never happen depending on many different factors. My ex is very very stubborn and has a lot of friends who she parties with to fill her time so I'm not holding my breath that she'll break the NC but who knows. Maybe she'll wake up hungover some morning and realize this life is getting old and she wants something more. Like others before have said I am not waiting around for that to happen nor do I care it does. I learned a lot of great lessons from my relationship that is going to allow me to be better in the next one and not try to settle down with a girl who obviously wasn't ready.

 

 

You're situation with the LDR is super tough but there is one part of it I do envy, you don't have to see her everyday like me with my ex at work. It's tough having to look up from your desk and seeing your ex walk by. That gulp in my stomach is getting a lil less and less every time she walks by though and I don't mean to say this about her to sound mean or bitter (I'm honestly a lil worried) but lately she has looked absolutely awful. Totally disheveled and just doesn't seem her normal put together self. Than I have the guy that sits near her now totally eyeballing the crap out of me lately which is kind of creepy but whatever, I'm not going to read too much into that though and make a big deal out of it. I'm a very laid back person so I'm not one for confrontation and saying "hey dip****, got a problem?" lol. Well that and cause it's my place of work, lol.

 

Buddy, I still live in the apartment we shared together, eat of the same plates we ate off of together, wake up in her old bed, have her old books on my shelf. You have no reason to envy me.

 

The worst part though is realizing my trip down to visit her was an opportunity to get back together.

 

Granted, she give any obvious signs, she said I had expectations I shouldn't have, but she gave me a big kiss when I was down there, we had sex and we wined and dined. She said she wished I was down there to help her find an apartment, that she was excited to see me, and was sad when I left and wished I had stayed longer.

 

It was one big giant clustereff of mixed signals.

 

I made the right decision though by putting my foot down, telling her that I cared about her and wanted to be with her but nothing had changed in the underlying situation. I was still in school, she wasn't sure where she was going to be.

 

I think my note I left her was clear enough: I love you but until I get my **** right, I'm not doing you any favors.

 

Unfortunately, it's meant that we've really pushed each other out of our lives.

[Fouts]

There's no such thing as NC. You either dump and move on or get dumped and move on, that's how it works as unglamorous as it is. People who play NC to try and get someone back are just insecure.

 

It's called life, move on and move forward even when it's incredibly painful. Someone else will come along and make it right.

[durkadurka]

There's no such thing as NC. You either dump and move on or get dumped and move on, that's how it works as unglamorous as it is. People who play NC to try and get someone back are just insecure.

 

It's called life, move on and move forward even when it's incredibly painful. Someone else will come along and make it right.

 

I don't think most of the people here say NC is a means to the end of getting the other back.

 

It's just a method of helping moving on for everyone.

[Fouts]

I don't think most of the people here say NC is a means to the end of getting the other back.

 

It's just a method of helping moving on for everyone.

 

It doesn't make sense. I got dumped, so I'm NC with my ex? Well, the point of dumping someone is so that they'll be out of your life. I guess people try to rationalize that as they'll go NC instead of trying to get them back

[Sheppy99]

It doesn't make sense. I got dumped, so I'm NC with my ex? Well, the point of dumping someone is so that they'll be out of your life. I guess people try to rationalize that as they'll go NC instead of trying to get them back

 

I think you're only seeing things as black and white. Yes NC is obviously for moving on in a healthy strong way but you cannot deny the fact that some couples get back together after spending time apart. The old saying "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was" . That saying never would of came about if all relationships were break up once and that was it, over, never heard from again.

 

Absence can sometimes make the heart grow fonder and change some things. Also bad timing can also end relationships and maybe 6 months to a year later the timing may be better.

 

 

Once again NC is to move on goal #1 and that should be your only goal from it but to say you should never ever consider reconciliation with an ex is kind of a broad statement. Lots of couples get back together and end up living happily ever after.

[skydiveaddict]

It doesn't make sense. I got dumped, so I'm NC with my ex? Well, the point of dumping someone is so that they'll be out of your life. I guess people try to rationalize that as they'll go NC instead of trying to get them back

 

 

And what do you think the chances of getting your ex back are?

[Don Ho]

Of course there's something call No Contact. That's were you have no contact with them, stop chasing them and all that other crazy stuff so you can move on with your life.

[brainblox]

Sooner you get into it the quicker you can look back and say well that's life !

It's been months since my break up and I'm only just healing but past experience tells me it will be okay, so let's forget the past and welcome the present ! NC WIN

[Fouts]

And what do you think the chances of getting your ex back are?

 

It's rarer than finding dinosaur eggs, but people keep going back 'n back until they finally have no self esteem left. It's part of human nature, but nothing wrong with attempting to tell the jilted person to move on and never look back, let alone don't contact them.

[Fouts]

Of course there's something call No Contact. That's were you have no contact with them, stop chasing them and all that other crazy stuff so you can move on with your life.

 

The last 5 words sum it up Don.