a girl with issues

[lonewolfncub]

I want to share my story of heartbreak and loss. I must apologize because this is long, and I know I'm being an idiot for feeling so broken by this girl.

 

A brief background first: we're both Chinese-Americans who've been working in Hong Kong the past few years as journalists. She's 29 and I'm 28.

 

We met March in 2009 through a chance meeting of sorts. I was smittened by her attractive right away and was quite shy and reserved--I didn't think I had a shot cause I'm kinda geeky and awkward with girls.

 

She showed much interest in me from the get go and was almost pursuing "something" with us more than I was. We started offiically around April of 2009.

 

She's always been brutally honest with me. Just as we were about to start, she told me she thinks she may have commitment issues, that she's had a tendency to jump from guy to guy, that she's had 10+ relationships but none have lasted longer than 7 months. And she's done the dumping all of the time except her second bf, which supposedly burned her really bad.

 

But she said she felt I was different, and for the first month of our relationship, she would tell me how I was the best guy she's met, etc.

 

But suddenly by month two she said she had doubts and issues with me, she didn't know why. She dumped me about two months in, around June of 2009. She got with another guy shortly after. But the whole summer she'd text me every now and then implying she was still sad about us not working out. She said she still cared about me so much.

 

Through a chance encounter, I ended up switching to the same company she worked for in September, and she started showing interests again. She dumped her bf and then within a month we started again. I was very weary and scared of getting burned but I just... I couldn't help it.

 

The second go, we seemed to hit a deeper level of love. We made it past six months which was a huge deal for her. And from months 4 on, she was telling me things like I helped her break her cycle, I changed her life, that she loved me more than she ever loved the other guys.

 

One of the thing with her is, she's one of those girls who never seemed too happy, not depressy-sad, but she always looks like something was on her mind, bothering her. She realizes this and says she's full of confidence, self-hate/love issues, and she overthinks and overstress. She had a stroke at the age of 17 which robbed her ability to play the piano and sports (something she had loved up until that point) and I think that's always bothered her. Despite this girl being pretty, smart, and successful, she said she never felt adequate and her life was always influx.

 

I was super loving and supportive to her and she acknowledges this. One of the things she's wanted to do for years but was scared to do was move to New York (she never liked HK that much but her family was based here now). I encouraged her to go, to pursue it because "you have nothing to lose". Of course, I was hoping I'd go with her... because at this point (March 2010) we were going strong and pretty serious.

 

But I knew this was some soul searching/ find myself type of thing, so we agreed that she'd go to NYC first, figure herself out and settle, and then when she's ready, she'll call me over and we'll start a new life there.

 

Now she was brutally honest again, she did say she wasn't 100% sure she wanted me there before she left, but she implied that was just a small feeling and that the majority of her feelings is she wants me in NY with her eventually.

 

So she moves to NY in April of 2010. The first month in NY, she was still saying very strong positive things like "you're the most important person in my life outside my parents, you inspired me and gave me strength to make this move to NY, you've changed my life".

 

But about a month after that (June 2010) she ends it. When she ended it, she didn't do it clearly. She said "I need to figure out myself, I don't want to keep you waiting, but I dont see myself loving anyone but you, I'll find you again when I'm ready".

 

So I go the entire July a bit sad but still optimistic, thinking "she just needs to find herself, we'll start again later because she says I'm so important and loves me so much".

 

But in August, I foolishly brought that up again and she just rescinded the whole "i'll come find you later" statement. She said dont hope, and her reasoning is that she had a change of heart. She said coldly and bluntly: "people change, i found myself in NY and when i did, i realize i want different things now, i dont see us being together again".

 

Of course, she still says she cares about me alot and hopes to be friends.

 

I've been broken by that ever since. I can't sleep, can't eat (seriously all my friends says i look beat-up lately), and i wake up every morning thinking about her. Sat and Sun mornings are especially tough because that's Fri and Sat night in NYC and im picturing her on dates and having an awesome life.

 

my whole life is affected by this rejection. suddenly I hate HK and feel an urge to leave (probably becasue my heart left HK to NYC when she moved), I can't concentrate at work because she used to work there and it's a constant reminder.

 

The thing is, I can't get myself to hate her, because she was so brutally honest with me. I mean, I AGREED to let her go and she never promised she'd ask me over for sure, so I knew that. And I also knew about her issues and her need to "find herself". I guess I wasn't expecting that once she found herself, she'd lose all feelings for me.

 

I feel broken and rejected. And I'm a shy and introverted guy so it's not like I'll meet anyone anytime soon. She's only my second GF and I went five years of being alone before I found her. The first GF dumped me abruptly out of college too. At times I get bitter, and I blame how unfair life is because she will continue to get chances at love (she's pretty) and I may go another five years until I date again.

Edited September 18, 2010 by lonewolfncub

[Ajax]

Welcome to the club my friend. Once you spend some time here you'll realize just how common this sort of thing is. Happens to people all the time, though I realize that doesn't make you feel any better about it.

 

My ex similarly had commitment issues and had to "find" herself. Finding oneself is quickly becoming the reason of choice for people breaking up. I almost get the idea that it's fashionable to do it. For those of us who don't need to find ourselves and know what and who we want, it becomes a painful cop out. And we wonder what the true underlying reason is.

 

As far as not being angry with her, I hate to tell you that it's really only a matter of time. You're gonna get mad at her, and that's part of the healing process.

 

As just about anyone else here will tell you, the most important thing you can do is break off all contact with her. Not because you're bitter or want to "show" her, but because a clean break heals the fastest. Even if she reaches out to you, you have to let her go.

 

I can't say you should give up hope of her ever coming back because, heck, I still hope mine does. But It's a mindset that's counterproductive and I'm trying to get out of it.

 

Good luck, sir. I wish you the best. Keep posting on here because it really does help.

[bobo113]

At times I get bitter, and I blame how unfair life is because she will continue to get chances at love (she's pretty) and I may go another five years until I date again.

 

Hey lonewolf - don't think that way!Try to use this experience to break yourself out of your shell. Even if you don't date - maybe go out and meet some new people or join a club. They say painful things happen to us so we can evolve. If you see your shyness as a limitation, try to put yourself out there some more. I know its much easier said than done - but just do a few social things to try and feel better! Pretty soon you'll be alpha wolf!