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How do I give her space?

HawksRule

By HawksRule
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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HawksRule Member

HawksRule

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So recently my fiancee and I have been going through some troubles. Basically she was feeling smothered/trapped. I want to give her the right amount of space so hopefully she will no longer feel that way with me, and we can continue to grow our relationship.

 

Main Issue: We live together, and we have molded our daily lives around each other.

 

She won't let me move out because we're staying in a free place given by my employer. And she won't move out because she can't afford to live on her own, but my gut also tells me she doesn't really want to move out either because if she does it would really be a big step towards ending our relationship.

 

Anyway in cases like this the appropriate answer by most friends and others is give her space. So how do I do that, but still prove to her that I care?

 

When she goes out with her own friends, I leave her alone, and even push for it when she asks me if she can go out. But of course I'm not going to sit at home alone all night, so I go out with my friends but then get constant texts from her. I try to stay at work longer, so she can have more personal time without me around but she still calls/texts me asking what we're doing for lunch, when i'm coming home, if we're going to go workout (even though her workout time she told me is her "personal time").

 

So yeah just confused. I want to give her what she wants and needs, but yeah I'm getting all sorts of conflicting signals.

 

Any advice how I can give her the right amount of space?

Edited by HawksRule
Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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I don't get the impression that she wants her relationship with you to end, but I do get the impression that she's seriously conflicted. It sounds like you're doing all the right things in giving her space but it's like she doesn't know what to do with that, or she feels guilty, or lacks trust.

 

I think the two of you need to sit down and talk about this topic - specifically what she means by 'space'. What that looks like to her, what she wants to do, what she wants you to do. Encourage brainstorming between the two of you if she doesn't have any real ideas. But the thing is, she needs to leave you alone when you're out. Otherwise, you're not really having a night with your buddies and she's not taking that space for herself.

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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She is giving you mixed signals!!

 

The only thing I can suggest is that maybe when she does text you and stuff, don't reply to her right away (I know it seems like game playing and stuff) but maybe she needs to see that you're not gonna hop to whenever she wants.

 

Also, if you guys already live together and stuff, do you really need to do lunch together every day, and go to the gym together and stuff like that?

 

I dunno, my advice always comes with the disclaimer that I haven't been in too many long term relationships :)

 

But it does seem to me like she's sending mixed messages, so just take her request for space seriously - don't reply to her right away, don't do so many things together EVERY SINGLE DAY - and I honestly think that she'll just wonder what to do with all this "space".

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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I would start making the motions for the relationship to end. Women like this will drive you up the wall and nothing you do can possibly satisfy. If she wants her space and indepedence so much then give it to her.

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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I would start making the motions for the relationship to end. Women like this will drive you up the wall and nothing you do can possibly satisfy. If she wants her space and indepedence so much then give it to her.

 

Really? That quick? No discussion? No attempt to try anything?

I'm not judging your advice, I'm honestly curious.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Really? That quick? No discussion? No attempt to try anything?

I'm not judging your advice, I'm honestly curious.

 

Yes. When a woman gets in resentment mode and starts blaming the man for her unhappiness there is no going back.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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Honestly, I think she wants both worlds - a relationship and personal space - but she probably doesn't know how to do it. I wouldn't give up on her unless she's really making you nuts. It doesn't seem that the two of you have an up-and-down relationship, I just think she's clueless as to how to pull off being independent, while being with you. I also think there's a part of her that believes if she isn't there for you at all times, that you'll feel neglected and that she's not doing her job as your significant other.

 

In other words, I think there's a lot of conflict inside her between her needs vs. what she's been taught as to how a relationship should be; and more importantly, how she's supposed to behave in a relationship. Ultimately, this is going to be something she personally has to get a handle on because it's her issue and you can only do just so much. But you're smart not to underestimate the seriousness of it. If it's not resolved between the two of you, and if it's not resolved within her own mind and heart, your relationship will be in jeapordy.

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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Yes. When a woman gets in resentment mode and starts blaming the man for her unhappiness there is no going back.

 

Thanks for answering.

As for that view - I can see what you're saying, but aren't there cases of BW who stay with their cheating men and work things out? (I'm sure that at some point they blamed their unhappiness on the man - rightfully so) - but this has nothing to do with this scenario....

 

I actually just read his earlier post about this girl, and yeah in this case, I say leave her - she's the "if I had money and can be financially stable I'd leave" - yup, definitely give her ALL THE SPACE in the world!!

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...
Fuggem Awlle Member

Fuggem Awlle

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Forgive me for asking, but how old are the two of you? And maybe by space, she doesn't mean leave the apartment, but maybe more along the lines of don't follow her around like a puppy? Or maybe let her poop without trying to hold a conversation with her? Or maybe she thinks you talk too much, and just wants you to not talk so much. Have her define space. If it's some bs answer like "We can be together, just living in separate places", then you might as well go on about your business without her. I don't generally recommend breakups, or leaving (my other posts recommend the ABC store), but in this case, you will see what you're headed into, and should probably get someone a little more mentally stable. A fiancee that wants space is called bad news.

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