The BS and AP are more alike than you think

[bohogirl]

We both know who you really are.

[bohogirl]

Unless you contacted the BS after the very first contact you had with MM, before you became involved with him on any kind of emotional or physical level, you were a dirty little secret.

 

The very first time you had intimate involvement with a MM knowing he was married, whether at the beginning or sometime later, you made yourself a cookie cutout.

 

After D-day, some BS's are in a bad place for 5 minutes, and some are for life. Being cheated on is a traumatic experience, just like coming home and finding your house has been robbed, or being attacked and raped, being carjacked, etc. Yeah, it would be great if everyone had the tools to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and move on unscathed, but that's not realistic. What would be even better would be if people had integrity and didn't cheat in the first place, then there would be no BS's to have pity for.

 

I was nobody's dirty secret.

[greengoddess]

We both know who you really are.

 

So now you are playing games with women on an infidelity site pretending to be their ow? Why are you here? I really question your motivations.

[bohogirl]

So now you are playing games with women on an infidelity site pretending to be their ow? Why are you here? I really question your motivations.

I don't go out of my way to interact with you. You seem to go out of your way to post on my threads and attempt to goad me. I have now found a use for the ignore function.

[eeyore1981]

I was nobody's dirty secret.

 

I just went back and read a few of your original posts, and how you can equate not being a dirty secret with your MM's wife when said wife would kick MM out repeatedly after finding out you were still in the picture, and also how you can state MM was repulsed by his wife after going back to her repeatedly over a 10 YEAR PERIOD is beyond me.

 

Good luck to you, and maybe you should save some of that pity you are lavishing all over us 'in a bad place' BS's for yourself. Wow.

[greengoddess]

I just went back and read a few of your original posts, and how you can equate not being a dirty secret with your MM's wife when said wife would kick MM out repeatedly after finding out you were still in the picture, and also how you can state MM was repulsed by his wife after going back to her repeatedly over a 10 YEAR PERIOD is beyond me.

 

Good luck to you, and maybe you should save some of that pity you are lavishing all over us 'in a bad place' BS's for yourself. Wow.

 

 

I just did the same thing. Read her initial post. A decade??? and she was no ones secret? I don't get it but it sure sounds painful for the ow and the wife. This guy was a real confused dickhead.

[xxoo]

Why would I want to be that person who's husband does not care enough about me to be faithful?

 

Replace husband with "significant other", and that IS something the BS and AP having in common. They are both with someone who doesn't love them enough to be faithful.

[YellowShark]

I am not disrespecting anyone. But IMHO I feel bohogirl is trying to level the playing field to make the OW equal to the BS. Why that is being attempted is not for me to interpret. It just seems that way to me.

[greengoddess]

I am not disrespecting anyone. But IMHO I feel bohogirl is trying to level the playing field to make the OW equal to the BS. Why that is being attempted is not for me to interpret. It just seems that way to me.

 

After a decade she may have felt it was level and that the wife had to have known the whole time.

[bentnotbroken]

Context:

The relationship is over although MM still calls. I don't answer.

BS is a cheater. I have never cheated nor been cheated on.

I would not stay with someone who cheated on me. The thought of my SO risking everything (ME) to keep a connection with someone else would torment me. I would feel like trash.

 

I would not want to be BS BUT did pity her.

 

Why would I want to be that person who's husband does not care enough about me to be faithful?

 

Why would I wish to be the object of pity because my family and friends, hubby's colleagues etc. are aware that my spouse has a girlfriend? Hell, she even socialises with them.

 

Why would I want to end up bitter and twisted because I know deep down that blaming the OW means I don't have to look at the real reason my hubby chose to be with someone else? He chose her until she ended it.

 

Why would I want to be that BS knowing that the OW can move on without looking backwards?

 

 

The magic words has been uttered. Why do you think she is bitter and twisted. She isn't here posting about anything, you are, not saying you are those things. But your previous threads lend themselves to a particular pattern.

[Distant78]

I am not disrespecting anyone. But IMHO I feel bohogirl is trying to level the playing field to make the OW equal to the BS. Why that is being attempted is not for me to interpret. It just seems that way to me.

 

Exactly. I think she likes comparing WSs and BSs to see everyone argue about it.

[YellowShark]

Exactly. I think she likes comparing WSs and BSs to see everyone argue about it.

 

I think it is to deflect the guilt away from the OW onto the BS. As in, the BS was responsible for the affair as much as the OW.

 

But here is what I've learned. The MM and BS are 50% responsible for what happens in their relationship. But the WS is 100% responsible for an affair. The BS is not responsible for the decision of the WS to cheat. I know if you ask any BS if the answer to problems in the relationship is for the WS to cheat they would say, "Hell no!"

[turnstone]

So bohogirl is intimating that she was the OW of an H of one of the BS's that post here? Is that right bohogirl? If not, what did you mean by

She hung on tighter which repulsed MM. Then she started writing fictional stories at LS.

?

 

Also, what are your answers to eeyore's questions? How do you equate the MM continually going back to his wife after being kicked out by her, with being repulsed by her?

 

Also, you say you're nothing like the BS of the MM in question, and if that's the case, how do you stand by your assertion that OW and BS share similarities? And in case you missed it the first time, what difference does it make if they do have any traits in common?

[turnstone]

I think it is to deflect the guilt away from the OW onto the BS. As in, the BS was responsible for the affair as much as the OW.

That's an interesting theory, I hadn't considered that, I thought she was probably just trying to find some self-worth and salvage something from what was obviously incredibly damaging. Its entirely irrelevant what similarities an OW and a BS share, they could be twins and it makes no difference to the fact that a woman valued herself so little she was prepared to accept behavior with no integrity.

[Spark1111]

That's an interesting theory, I hadn't considered that, I thought she was probably just trying to find some self-worth and salvage something from what was obviously incredibly damaging. Its entirely irrelevant what similarities an OW and a BS share, they could be twins and it makes no difference to the fact that a woman valued herself so little she was prepared to accept behavior with no integrity.

 

Hmmm...this is an interesting point, turnstone.

 

Could it be projection? That the OW is projecting onto the BS the OW's feelings and experience?

 

Could it be the OW hung on for dear life (A DECADE) got horribly hurt and now projects that it was the fault of the BS desperately clinging to her husband????

 

Maybe it makes the pain less intense to blame the BS than the MM?

 

This could be similiar to BS who blame the OW for the affair, IMHO.

 

A defense mechanism in the form of projection.

[freestyle]

Hmmm...this is an interesting point, turnstone.

 

Could it be projection? That the OW is projecting onto the BS the OW's feelings and experience?

 

Could it be the OW hung on for dear life (A DECADE) got horribly hurt and now projects that it was the fault of the BS desperately clinging to her husband????

 

Maybe it makes the pain less intense to blame the BS than the MM?

 

This could be similiar to BS who blame the OW for the affair, IMHO.

 

A defense mechanism in the form of projection.

 

 

I thought of projection when I read the OP as well, Spark.

 

What came to mind even more strongly for me was the term "levelling" as it applies as a type of manipulation tactic:

 

"attempting to put one's self on equal standing with others of different character........."

 

 

When I read the OP's question in the original post here, an analogy came to mind.

 

I tried to imagine how I would react, if the person who'd been stealing cookies from my cookie jar, looked at me and said,

 

"Hey, we're really not so different after all---we both love cookies..."

 

 

That doesn't change the fact that you put your hand in my cookie jar....without my permission.

 

And since I wouldn't do that to you, or anyone else.....we are light years apart.

 

Attempting to say we are the same comes across to me as an attempt at justification.

[Silly_Girl]

I tried to imagine how I would react, if the person who'd been stealing cookies from my cookie jar, looked at me and said,

 

"Hey, we're really not so different after all---we both love cookies..."

 

So simple. Genius!!!

[eeyore1981]

I am no longer going to contribute because it seems that the thread has gone completely off tangent. It is easier for some to attack me than actually take a good hard look at themselves.

 

If this is how you behaved with your spouses I can understand why they would seek an EMA.

 

Busted! You are so right, my H cheated on me because I disagreed with you. How will I ever live with the shame?

[Spark1111]

I am no longer going to contribute because it seems that the thread has gone completely off tangent. It is easier for some to attack me than actually take a good hard look at themselves.

 

If this is how you behaved with your spouses I can understand why they would seek an EMA.

 

Nah, she always told him whatever he wanted to hear; always agreed with him on any topic he needed to vent about. Is that what you are seeking?

 

From me?

 

He always got the truth.

[lilbunny]

As I said on the reverse thread on the same subject, OW or BS how many of us are/have wasted time and effort fighting over the crumbs some liar in the middle wants to throw at us?

 

BS and OW go to war, smug MM = winner.

 

I know it doesn't always work like that, I also acknowledge I am far from my happy place today, but if there are similarities it is that many times they both get different versions of the same bull and sadly (me included) both believe it. In my case even more disturbingly I actually think that mm also believes the bs that comes out of his mouth, figure that one out!

[donnamaybe]

She hung on tighter which repulsed MM.

Is that why he left her and is now with you? Oh, wait...

[donnamaybe]

I just went back and read a few of your original posts, and how you can equate not being a dirty secret with your MM's wife when said wife would kick MM out repeatedly after finding out you were still in the picture, and also how you can state MM was repulsed by his wife after going back to her repeatedly over a 10 YEAR PERIOD is beyond me.

 

Good luck to you, and maybe you should save some of that pity you are lavishing all over us 'in a bad place' BS's for yourself. Wow.

10 YEARS?!!!

 

No wonder.

[Dexter Morgan]

I raised a discussion point and the scramble to avoid entertaining and/or admitting that what the BS experiences is not dissimilar to that of the AP when dealing with a WS is astonishing.

 

there is no scrambling to avoid admitting that the BS and AP are similar.

 

Everyone is similar in a human sense...we laugh at funny jokes, we all pretty much take a dump the same way...but most BS are not similar in the way we treat relationships, and treat other people that are in them.

 

Most of us will not cheat, or sleep with someone elses spouse whether it be because we would not do that to someone else, or we just won't lower ourselves to that level. And in that sense, most AP and BS are NOT similar.

 

 

Telling me where to post and questioning my motives are just antics to deflect from the topic in hand.

 

its obvious you didn't read what I said. I said maybe you'd be happier in OW/OM forum.

Please show me where I told you you could not post here. Please....show me.

 

 

I thought this forum was more enlightened than that.

I was wrong.

 

no, you posed the question to get a rise. People here have their beliefs, and they were shaped because they had suffered under people like yourself and their significant others.

 

so for you to try to say there are similarities, its plain ridiculous. Of course everyone has similarities. You have similarities to Charles Manson, you just wouldn't murder anyone(at least I hope not).

[Dexter Morgan]

Busted! You are so right, my H cheated on me because I disagreed with you. How will I ever live with the shame?

 

 

hey, we simply don't agree with her. again, when it comes to the way most of us BS, or frmr-BS, look at relationships, cheating, and bedding down other people's significant others, in that sense we are not similar to the AP.

 

Sorry if she doesn't like the answers. she wants desperately to think that we would make the same choices as herself. sorry, it just isn't so with alot of us. certainly not myself.

[Mimolicious]

I gotta say... this thread is hilarious! :lmao:

 

I am no longer going to contribute because it seems that the thread has gone completely off tangent. It is easier for some to attack me than actually take a good hard look at themselves.

 

If this is how you behaved with your spouses I can understand why they would seek an EMA.

 

No, it actually hasn't gotten off target.

What happened? Can't take a little heat? Please delight me. You think you're in a better place than your BS? Yet, you are here trying to study the mind of BS's with all your survey-like threads... interesting!

I wonder what is really your motive. Suspect.

 

If your MM's W is here on LS "creating" stories, then why don't you set the record straight for her? In reality, you say very little of your RL story. You said that you have basically kept it moving. Why are your still so infused into her R with your xMM and why are they such a vivid memory?

 

You call posters "bitter", "Jaded", etc (mainly bs's) is this because you see the reflection? Please save the systematic reply of "Please don't post on my thread because your are x,y and z and don't have anything to contribute to this"- that bullshyte doesn't slide and it's gotten old already.

Throw the rock and hide the hand.

 

Now to answer your question:

 

Do you agree that the BS and AP have a lot more in common than you initially thought?

 

Yes we do. We both have breasts, vaginas, 2 legs, 2 arms, hair, etc...

Anything else, NO. She actually degraded herself and has no self-respect for making herself so available to someone that his own words don't mean anything to him, she loved the dude to the point of losing her integrity, something that it's a trait of character. Character is the core essence of person, anything else is just a body.

 

Me, I sleep well , single, and loving life! I see who I want, go where I want, buy what I want... Who can complaint! Drama-free zone.

Edited September 20, 2010 by Mimolicious