Author bohogirl Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 I raised a discussion point and the scramble to avoid entertaining and/or admitting that what the BS experiences is not dissimilar to that of the AP when dealing with a WS is astonishing. Telling me where to post and questioning my motives are just antics to deflect from the topic in hand. I thought this forum was more enlightened than that. I was wrong.
bentnotbroken Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Just want to add, that many AP are not comfortable with the lies to the BS. As long as they are still AP, IMO they are comfortable. Most people tend to change things that make them uncomfortable.
bentnotbroken Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Anyone else have trouble following my first post in this thread? Seemed pretty simple to me. Simple to me too.
GorillaTheater Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 I thought this forum was more enlightened than that. I was wrong. Either we're just a bunch of provincial rubes here, or alot of folks simply disagree with you. One of the two.
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 These types of threads (sorry, just my opinion) just pin people against eachother and cause arguing, pissing matches, and then it ends up being closed. What's the point of comparing an AP pain and a BS pain? Who hurts more? Who should hurt more? Who's entitled to feel more? Who's right, who's wrong, etc..etc.. To have a discussion is one thing, but it's SO rare that happens as it becomes personal, something gets taken out of context, or someone zings someone else, then more reaction happens.
redtail Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 ... I thought this forum was more enlightened than that. I was wrong. Well, that was blame deflection, eh? Your question strikes a nerve, it seems to me. And while it may have made perfect sense for you to condition your question with "Putting aside moral arguments...", morals are not something that some can eliminate from their decisions when considering a such a scenario. So I personally believe the opposite, I believe that those that allow their moral compass to remain and do not deviate, just for sake of argument, are more enlightened. But that's just my opinion. To answer your question, I agree that there may be coincidental similarities between the BS and AP. Which begs the question to me, so what?
crazycatlady Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 They both love the same person and desperately want that person to love them too. When their feelings are reciprocated by WS they are happy. When they begin to distrust the object of their affection they are sad. When betrayed by WS they go to pieces. Putting aside moral arguments on the decision to have an EMA, fault of each party etc. Do you agree that the BS and AP have a lot more in common than you initially thought? You aren't looking for honest opinions, you are here to preach a point, jmo. While I do feel there are a lot of similarities between all three of the triangle (or at least V) and I've always thought there were things in common, I don't see why it matters. It does not make the hurt worse, the situation better, or make me see the OW in a kinder light. I think both AP for the most part don't think of the BS at all, not truly. So why afterwards so I care that there are things in common.
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 I raised a discussion point and the scramble to avoid entertaining and/or admitting that what the BS experiences is not dissimilar to that of the AP when dealing with a WS is astonishing. How can it be compared? Honestly? OW may have MM's sexual lust, love and fun times..IN affairyland, where all is good and everybody gets along, poo doesn't smell... A BS has that and more, and the history, a life built and family entwined, MUCH more invested than just "emotions". Vows, kids, inlaws, you name it.. A BS loses more than an OW. Just my 2 cents.
Brokenlady Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 He lied to us both. That's where the similarity ends. And I kinda like it that way. She will never understand my choices, and God help me, I will never understand hers.
Sham WOW Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 He lied to us both. That's where the similarity ends. And I kinda like it that way. She will never understand my choices, and God help me, I will never understand hers. And so it seems bitterness is something a BS and OW could have in common.
eleanorrigby Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 OK so sure, there are a few similarities between the two.. what about it?
worlybear Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 How can it be compared? Honestly? OW may have MM's sexual lust, love and fun times..IN affairyland, where all is good and everybody gets along, poo doesn't smell... A BS has that and more, and the history, a life built and family entwined, MUCH more invested than just "emotions". Vows, kids, inlaws, you name it.. A BS loses more than an OW. Just my 2 cents. Absolutely agree with this! And I have no wish to be compared alongside anybody who lies and cheats as a way of life, as this is something that I would NOT do!
Spark1111 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 They both love the same person and desperately want that person to love them too. When their feelings are reciprocated by WS they are happy. When they begin to distrust the object of their affection they are sad. When betrayed by WS they go to pieces. Putting aside moral arguments on the decision to have an EMA, fault of each party etc. Do you agree that the BS and AP have a lot more in common than you initially thought? Ok, fBS here and I am going to take the bait.... We are both intelligent, resourceful professionals; soft-spoken and very eloquent. We were both cheated on: She by her xH who left her to marry his last OW; Me, by my husband with her. We both loved the same man: my fWS. I thought our similiarities were greater than they were. I assumed attraction runs to "type", yes? And that if he were attracted to her as he was to me, we must have much in common. But I was wrong, and only discovered it when I finally spoke to her 2 years after DDay. She is a histrionic drama queen filled with rage for her x...still. I am as a calm as an east wind. Maybe he found all the drama exciting? Who knows? I think trying to "fix" her drama was a heady diversion from trying to fix what was ailing within himself. Today we are healed and I have forgiveness and peace in my heart. Her, not so much. Now she blames and hates my fWS, and by extension, me too.
turnstone Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 If it read that way, that's on you not me. Folks, did anyone else read my post that way? As for the bolded, comparing how they FEEL about the WS wasn't the topic of this thread. No, I didn't read it that way. Seemed like an obvious and sensible observation from you. So what if there are similarities? Really? What difference do they make to anything? You're an exOW, OP aren't you? Do you want your assertion to be true? Do you wish you were more like the BS?
eeyore1981 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I raised a discussion point and the scramble to avoid entertaining and/or admitting that what the BS experiences is not dissimilar to that of the AP when dealing with a WS is astonishing. Telling me where to post and questioning my motives are just antics to deflect from the topic in hand. I thought this forum was more enlightened than that. I was wrong. BBM When I entered into a relationship with my H, we were both single. We proceeded on to marry (monogamous by mutual consent) and have children together. When OW entered into a relationship with my H, she knew he was married to me. She knew he was lying to me about having a relationship with her. She lied to me about having a relationship with him. I didn't lie to either one of them. She made her choice, based on facts. My choices were being made based on lies told to me. How is that in any way the same? IMO, you are wrong.
greengoddess Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I think it is sweet bohogirl wants to feel just like his wife.
eeyore1981 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I think it is sweet bohogirl wants to feel just like his wife. IMO, I think this is just another lame attempt by a cheater to justify their actions and pretend to themselves they did no wrong. This seems to be such a foreign concept to WS's and AP's, but I KNOW I am not in the BS minority when I say I have had many, many opportunities to cheat on my H, and a lot of those with MM, over the course of my marriage. Some of these opportunities came at times when my marriage was so deep in poo I wore hip-waders and a face mask just to get through the day. I had many reasons I never did it, but most of it boils down to morals and common sense. I find myself baffled by people who choose to get involved with someone married, and then are shocked when they are lied to and things don't work out. It seems so hypocritical to me for someone who is cheerleading someone else to treat another person so terribly are filled with 'righteous indignation' when they end up treated the same way. ??
greengoddess Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 IMO, I think this is just another lame attempt by a cheater to justify their actions and pretend to themselves they did no wrong. This seems to be such a foreign concept to WS's and AP's, but I KNOW I am not in the BS minority when I say I have had many, many opportunities to cheat on my H, and a lot of those with MM, over the course of my marriage. Some of these opportunities came at times when my marriage was so deep in poo I wore hip-waders and a face mask just to get through the day. I had many reasons I never did it, but most of it boils down to morals and common sense. I find myself baffled by people who choose to get involved with someone married, and then are shocked when they are lied to and things don't work out. It seems so hypocritical to me for someone who is cheerleading someone else to treat another person so terribly are filled with 'righteous indignation' when they end up treated the same way. ?? Could not agree more. She doesn't feel like as much of a monster if she thinks she is just like the bs who has been so wronged by her.
Author bohogirl Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 Context: The relationship is over although MM still calls. I don't answer. BS is a cheater. I have never cheated nor been cheated on. I would not stay with someone who cheated on me. The thought of my SO risking everything (ME) to keep a connection with someone else would torment me. I would feel like trash. I would not want to be BS BUT did pity her. Why would I want to be that person who's husband does not care enough about me to be faithful? Why would I wish to be the object of pity because my family and friends, hubby's colleagues etc. are aware that my spouse has a girlfriend? Hell, she even socialises with them. Why would I want to end up bitter and twisted because I know deep down that blaming the OW means I don't have to look at the real reason my hubby chose to be with someone else? He chose her until she ended it. Why would I want to be that BS knowing that the OW can move on without looking backwards?
greengoddess Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Context: The relationship is over although MM still calls. I don't answer. BS is a cheater. I have never cheated nor been cheated on. I would not stay with someone who cheated on me. The thought of my SO risking everything (ME) to keep a connection with someone else would torment me. I would feel like trash. I would not want to be BS BUT did pity her. Why would I want to be that person who's husband does not care enough about me to be faithful? Why would I wish to be the object of pity because my family and friends, hubby's colleagues etc. are aware that my spouse has a girlfriend? Hell, she even socialises with them. Why would I want to end up bitter and twisted because I know deep down that blaming the OW means I don't have to look at the real reason my hubby chose to be with someone else? He chose her until she ended it. Why would I want to be that BS knowing that the OW can move on without looking backwards? Why if you are moving on without looking backward are you on a support site? Why if you would never want to be like her are you conparing the bs to the ow? Why do you feel it is the bs who is bitter and twisted as she pieces her life back together in the best way she knows how? Do you think she should be bitter and twisted?
Author bohogirl Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 The BS knew about me because I told her. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. I was nobody's dirty secret. The cookie cutter approach to affairs cannot be applied to every AP. I do feel a great amount of pity for those BS who have posted who are still in a very bad place. Wishing you peace and respectfully suggest counselling.
greengoddess Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 The BS knew about me because I told her. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. I was nobody's dirty secret. The cookie cutter approach to affairs cannot be applied to every AP. I do feel a great amount of pity for those BS who have posted who are still in a very bad place. Wishing you peace and respectfully suggest counselling. LOL well good for you!! That is my advice to all other women. Tell the wife so you are on equal playing fields. So how did that work for you telling the wife?
Author bohogirl Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 She hung on tighter which repulsed MM. Then she started writing fictional stories at LS.
greengoddess Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 She hung on tighter which repulsed MM. Then she started writing fictional stories at LS. Wow so you are stalking his wife on loveshack reading her posts?
eeyore1981 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 The BS knew about me because I told her. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. I was nobody's dirty secret. The cookie cutter approach to affairs cannot be applied to every AP. I do feel a great amount of pity for those BS who have posted who are still in a very bad place. Wishing you peace and respectfully suggest counselling. Unless you contacted the BS after the very first contact you had with MM, before you became involved with him on any kind of emotional or physical level, you were a dirty little secret. The very first time you had intimate involvement with a MM knowing he was married, whether at the beginning or sometime later, you made yourself a cookie cutout. After D-day, some BS's are in a bad place for 5 minutes, and some are for life. Being cheated on is a traumatic experience, just like coming home and finding your house has been robbed, or being attacked and raped, being carjacked, etc. Yeah, it would be great if everyone had the tools to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and move on unscathed, but that's not realistic. What would be even better would be if people had integrity and didn't cheat in the first place, then there would be no BS's to have pity for.
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