HopeLove Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Lots of people say you should use the breakup to become a better person. Well I like the way I am and don't think I'm a bad person just because someone dumped me. Why he dumped me? His version is/was that he didn't feel he could settle down and have children in the near future and therefore didn't see our relationship surviving in the future and therefore was better to split now rather than later. He also wants more time for himself. The truth? Don't know, maybe yes, maybe there are other reasons he's not telling me. During our relationship he was the best bf you could ever imagine and we never had arguments. Just a great time together and we both were in love. After the breakup he prefered to ignore me although he knew very well he was (is still) hurting me greatly. Now I should use this expierience to become a better person? Don't even know what is it that I should change? What do you think?
USMCHokie Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Now I should use this expierience to become a better person? Don't even know what is it that I should change? What do you think? Becoming a better person after a breakup doesn't always mean you have to change something about yourself. You may have been a great girlfriend, just as he was a great boyfriend. It may have just been some incompatibility between you two, or timing issues where you weren't at the same place in your respective lives. However, you should always learn something about yourself and about relationships as you move on from one relationship to another. It's what you learn from these experiences that makes you a better person, and a better partner in your future relationships.
Author HopeLove Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 I'm afraid I won't learn anything. I don't know if I made mistakes and if I did I don't know which ones since he told me the standard "is not you, you are a wonderful person, it's me". And even if I review thousend of times the whole relationship I can't see the mistakes other than giving my heart away and fully trust someone (telling all my feelings) but I don't want not to do that again. Maybe with time, once I would completely move on I would be able to see through and know what went wrong.
TaraMaiden Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Oh yes, you've learnt something, all right. You've learnt that much as you thought you'd found 'The one', this wasn't going anywhere, because this specific 'The One' unfortunately didn't feel you were 'the one'.... What you've learnt is that every single compounded phenomenon has a beginning, a middle and an end. The problem is, we do not know how, or when this end, will manifest. Just be prepared to let go, the instant you say 'hello'...... (sorry about double post. I don't know what happened there!!)
mickleb Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 (edited) I'm sure you're a great person and you shouldn't be thinking anything different at all. However, your relationship and break-up don't sound a million miles away from that of mine and my ex's. He happens to be commitment phobic (I got to, later, figure out). I, also, happen to have a tendency to be a bit passive commitment phobic. (Again, fresh knowledge for me.) It might be worth reading 'He's Scared, She's Scared' to see if anything rings true. If I'm wrong, then Hokie's right: you don't have to change anything. But, surely, you can add to your life? It is really 100% perfect? Is there nothing you can dream of doing that you could put your energies into? I was feeling similarly after my break-up last year. By summer next year, I will have achieved my TEFL qualification and will be working my way around the world. I wouldn't be doing that if we hadn't broken up but I'm bloody looking forward to it now we have. x Edited September 17, 2010 by mickleb grammar was off - the downside of doing a TEFL course :)
ohno89 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 (edited) I think I get the whole 'becoming a better person' thing... it's not necessarily anything to do with that fact that something was majorly wrong with you before. I think it's certainly healthy for you to maybe realise your faults in your past relationships and work on them for future ones - in turn - to 'better' them but certainly don't beat yourself up about being dumped if you didn't damn right deserve it. From my recent break up, I've realised that I became very wrapped around him and he would always come first when it came to making plans for the evening or at weekends or whatever. I was working while he was a student and my life literally revolved around work and him and then came my friends a lot of the time. I kinda became lost but I never really felt lost at the time, that was just me and my life; I was working and had a boyfriend and that's just how it was. Now that I've stepped out of that relationship, I can see that there is so much more in this world; so many things to do, some many people to meet, places to go...a lot of which I probably wouldn't have and wouldn't be able to experience if I were still with him. If I were with him, it'd be couple/family holidays, doing what he wanted to do and not doing what he didn't want me to do...but **** that; I'm young, I'm single....there's so much more to life. I want my own identity, I don't just wanna be "his g/f" or rather now "his ex" ....I've learnt to take risks and live life to the full because it really is too short.... Ps. I also think I'm now better at giving my friends relationship advice and helping that spot the red flags that I so naively ignored! Edited September 18, 2010 by ohno89
PegNosePete Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Ps. I also think I'm now better at giving my friends relationship advice and helping that spot the red flags that I so naively ignored! Oh yeah, I've become a pro red flag spotter! I could spot red flags for my country! If only spotting red flags were an Olympic sport, I would get gold in 2012!
mickleb Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Oh yeah, I've become a pro red flag spotter! I could spot red flags for my country! If only spotting red flags were an Olympic sport, I would get gold in 2012! I reckon I could spot red flags at the Olympics! There's China, Tunisia, Albania, Morocco.. x
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