I need to understand..

[Taji]

Greetings everyone, this is my first post and so, I'll try not to write a book here. And I would appreciate your comments and suggestions as I feel like I'm up against a brick wall here.

 

My husband and I have been married for four years. He has what I call an obsession with his 1931 Chevy. Our week from Monday through Friday is work, thirty minutes for dinner and then he hits the garage. On the weekends he is in the garage from sunup to sundown.

 

This car has to have new parts, renovations and it's own car trailer. It is a bottomless pit where money is thrown in. This man is so in love with this car that he spent some two thousand dollars on a new fuel injection system....well, I believe that's what it was, but he still spent that much.

 

The hubby is an experienced mechanic although he works as an engineer. Still after months of not being able to get this setup for his beloved operational he flew in a specialist from four states away. So this meant buying the specialist a two way plane ticket plus paying him by the hour for the weekend he spent with us. Please insert all manner of curses, hexes and expletives here.

 

He is so enamored of this Chevy Coupe that even when I had the swine flu and was very, very ill he was in the garage. On our first wedding anniversary he was in the garage(because our anniversary is just another day he says). Or there is a party, he's in the garage. I need help in the house, he's in the garage.

 

He doesn't understand when I tell him he spends too much money on the car. Or I tell him we don't spend enough time together. He just argues with me that I am in the wrong. That he is doing the best he can. And he just continues on along his merry little way.

 

We rarely go anywhere together anymore as I have quit going to damn car shows. We rarely go out together and I am fully convinced if one day I didn't come home from work he wouldn't notice I was gone until there was no one there to get the skid marks out of his Hanes.

 

I have talked to him about my feelings until I am blue in the face. And no matter how much logic I put in front of him-I am unreasonable according to him. Nothing and nobody comes before that car. It is a constant issue between us. I have been understanding. I have cajoled. But this has now deteriorated into some bad arguments due to his unwillingness to at least meet me halfway. I even suggested he help me and spend time with me Monday through Wednesday. Then he'd have Thursday through Sunday with his car....well, he wasn't going to do that.

 

I am at a loss. I do not understand how you can ask someone in a heartfelt manner and nearly beg them for their attention how you can get nothing.

 

 

Thank you for reading and please sign me....

 

Coming back in my next life as a '31' Chevy

[quankanne]

ah ... that's a tricky one to deal with. Because on the one hand, it's a relatively safe hobby/interest he's got – he doesn't drink, he doesn't screw around, etc. On the other hand, it's as good as his mistress, and that's no fun.

 

maybe it's time to just relinquish a good amount of expectation of him spending time with him, BUT on the condition that he must spend X amount of time with you, away from the car or car-related events, you'll happily let him pursue his love of working on the vehicle. It doesn't sound like a win-win situation on the outset, I know, but hopefully, it'll give him an idea of just how valuable you find your time together and he'll grow to understand that it's just as important, too, because you're willing to give him his time with the dang car!

 

other thought is to tell him, "I've been seriously thinking about this, and I've come to realize that I've been silly about all of this, and that because YOU spend your free time with your car, *I* could be spending all that time doing something pleasing to ME. So, I'm going to stop bugging you about the time you devote to your car, and will fully support it if I have your promise that YOU will fully support ME doing the things that I enjoy. No questions asked." ... hopefully, that last statement will make him stop and think about what exactly you're having fun doing that doesn't involve him

[Lovelybird]

Hi, I think it should take more than a reasonable talk to get your husband focus less on his car, more on you. He is probably an avoidance type of guy, that he feels more safe investing in things rather than a relationship. If you go back to his childhood, probably you will understand why he is this way, it involves fear and inability to trust others. This first step for him to change is that he must aware this himself.

Edited September 17, 2010 by Lovelybird

[YellowShark]

I would say that his passion for this car has become an unhealthy obsession if it takes precedence over you - (in sickness and in health.)

 

Therefore if you have tried to engage him in discussion and expressed your needs and he refuses to listen then it is time for both of you to seek out some marriage counselling. Hopefully the counselling will move the balance of power back into your marriage, rather than on a car.

 

So find a therapist, make an appointment, and TELL him he must come in order to save the marriage.

 

Best of luck.

[Taji]

Yes, quankanne. I tried the you do your thing and I'll do mine. There was no change and I guess since we live so far out in the country he figures I don't have many options. And yeah the car is like a mistress.

 

 

And you're right Lovelybird he is an avoidance type of guy. It's like if he doesn't acknowledge there is a problem, then the problem is not there--in his mind. So when I bring up the problem he's all into letting me know it's just my problem.

 

 

YellowShark, it is very unhealthy. As on many an occasion I needed him as far as my health was concerned and he hasn't been there for me. I would say I was far down on his list of important items, but I don't feel as if I am even on the list at this point.

 

Thanks guys for your input.

[YellowShark]

YellowShark, it is very unhealthy. As on many an occasion I needed him as far as my health was concerned and he hasn't been there for me. I would say I was far down on his list of important items, but I don't feel as if I am even on the list at this point.

 

First off - if it helps - I am a car buff and a '31 Chevy is a absolutely hideous beast.

 

But I think from what you have said you need to do is something drastic to make him understand you are worth more to him than a car. Sure it's wonderful to have a passion and a hobby, but it is unhealthy to have a passion and hobby that supersedes your own wife.

 

Book a session with a marriage therapist and tell him - (don't ask him) - that he has to take an hour away from the car to see a therapist with you.

 

Good luck.

[quankanne]

First off - if it helps - I am a car buff and a '31 Chevy is a absolutely hideous beast. LMAO

 

oh, kiddo, I am so sorry to hear this ... other than taking a big stick and beating his thick skull with it, nothing you say or do will prolly make a difference.

 

hugs,

q

[Taji]

Morning Yellow. Well I don't think there is anything wrong with a good hobby...just don't let it rule your life. And yes the '31' is a hideous beast and has an engine(yup, we bought it) that will outrun any Hemi you put in front of it. Since you're a buff am I allowed to post a pic of the almighty mistress here for you? On the MC idea, he refused to go.....

 

sadintexas, yes he did have the car before we married. But he was very attentive to me the entire time we dated which was one year. We went places, we held hands. The ink wasn't dry on the marriage license and he moved into the garage so to speak. I'm not a constantly needs to be entertained person by the way and I like my own space, but geez a little or maybe even a day a week from the hubby would go a long way in my sentiments.

 

 

I am thinking along the same lines as you quankanne. As I have pleaded, begged, rationalized and even yelled.....nothing. I even started packing my car one day with my clothes and things to move out. And it took him three hours watching from the garage to even come and see what was going on with me. Then unfortunately he convinced me to stay. I think for him he doesn't even want to admit failure on a situation even if it is for the best.

 

I have even told this man to his face what a lonely and miserable marriage this is. He just mumbles and goes back to the garage. Maybe it's because he is ten years older than me and he was raised in a different time and space. I don't know. All I do know is the entirety of this marriage cannot be carried on my shoulders alone.

[Lovelybird]

If he grew up in a broken family, the chances are he doesn't know how to keep a close relationship ? It is not easy like that "get over already!" some wounds run deep.

 

one thing I know here, critiques don't work, only make things worse

[Taji]

Lovelybird, he grew up in a home that stayed together and was not broken. Although he is second generation from Poland he does not care much about his Mom. She was a pistol so to speak from youth and still is. He is harsh in his comments and feelings about her. I remember seeing his family photos of his parents and mostly being effected by the photos of his Dad.

 

His father in pictures looks haunted. He looks tired, he seems as if a pat of butter spread over too much bread...spread and worried too thin. This is the way I feel also. His father has passed long ago, but his Mom is still here.

 

The hubby tells me of his Mom and how he was raised. And I think to myself...well, that's not so bad. But i don't verbalize that to my hubby. I have had a much, much worse childhood of which my husband is aware. He, my husband complains about how his Mom teased him and his sister unmercifully. And would at odd moments spout whatever was on her mind. The hubby and his sister are alike in the fashion that they delve out crap but don't accept it when it is hauled back to them.

 

And I think to myself how lucky I would have been to have had to deal in youth with only that. But I tell you and the forum I have dealt with a much worse childhood. In the confidence of this forum is a story I share in part and seldom tell to anyone.

 

My father left us when I was 18 years old. He married some snip my own age and could have cared less if he ever saw me or my Mother again. Eventually this new young wife cheated on him. The new wife broke up another marriage besides my parents and left him.

 

My father then shot her in the head with a .357 and then committed suicide. That is a past to be dealt with over and over again in real life and in the mind. And yet, I am doing everything I can to satisfy my husband and it would seem all for naught.

[YellowShark]

Morning Yellow. On the MC idea, he refused to go.....

 

Then I am sad to say he has given up on you and your marriage.

 

As I have pleaded, begged, rationalized and even yelled.....nothing. I even started packing my car one day with my clothes and things to move out. And it took him three hours watching from the garage to even come and see what was going on with me. Then unfortunately he convinced me to stay. I think for him he doesn't even want to admit failure on a situation even if it is for the best.

 

I have even told this man to his face what a lonely and miserable marriage this is. He just mumbles and goes back to the garage.

 

Once again, I am sad to say he has given up on you and your marriage. The car is "his love" and he is married to that.

 

Maybe it's because he is ten years older than me and he was raised in a different time and space. I don't know. All I do know is the entirety of this marriage cannot be carried on my shoulders alone.

 

It doesn't matter how old he is. In fact he should be wiser with age and value your love more than the valve timing or cam shaft angles on a car. Perhaps you need to follow your own path in life now and leave him to the '31 Chevy.

 

Best of luck.

[Lovelybird]

That is tough, Taji, sorry that happened, you were going through a lots and tremendous pain. Did you forgive your father yet? What did this tragety give you beliefs about relationship with man? and if your husband can forgive his mother, he might can work this relationship out. The bitterness is keeping him stuck. Did you mean his mother verbal abused him? Verbal abuse is very damaging

 

How many years have you been married? I've heard that the first 3 years are the most difficult period.

Edited September 18, 2010 by Lovelybird

[efg6tm3]

afraid to say it is not really the "car" he loves. The "car" represents possibly running away from reality or not dealing with problems or potential problems.

 

i don't know...seems kind of obsesive. i always tell my kid, too much of anything is not good.

 

go and try for some counseling. if it doesn't work you did make a valient effort. then i say file and move on with your life. wish it was that easy for me. good luck

[Taji]

Wow, alot of info and ideas here to digest. Thank you all.

 

Yellow, I think you maybe right.

 

Lovelybird, actually I've never forgiven my father. And here I refer to him as father. but in my life I refer to him by his first name. It was verbal abuse that my husband and his sister report about their Mom. And we have been married for four years so far.

 

sadintexas, we did live together six months before getting married. And during that time car shows were a huge part of our time together. It got to the point that any money or any time had to be spent on the car. It got so repetitious for me I grew tired of it. Plus financially he is pulling us down the tubes. Also I feel it causes resentment if one partner always gets their way. Always gets what they want to purchase. Life has to go according to their plan. It's awful one sided and selfish.

 

It's like you love chocolate but you don't eat it all day long. I just don't want a steady diet of it. He does. And you're right tactics might or might not work. I'm just thinking the bottom line is...if he cares then he'd make an effort. Actions speak louder than words.

 

efg6tm3, you may be right. In essence he does not like dealing with anything regarding our relationship that is unpleasant. And when I try to discuss the problem it is usually laid at my door anyway. So now I don't try to discuss things with him like I once did.

[You Go Girl]

Study psychology sites on the web "emotionally unavailable". That is what you have married.

You can try shaking him up by insisting he set aside two evenings a week to be with you, say two hours each time. I mean INSIST.

If he refuses, then he is married to the car, not you.

 

It isn't easy to force someone to face their emotional side of life if they have a long history of avoidance of emotions.

It may not be the time in his life when he is ready, willing, or able to do that.

Your father's story is horrible. No doubt he committed suicide because of everything he lost from the original family, and lost it because he went to the woman who cheated on him. What he did was horrible, but it doesn't change the fact that he too was in pain to take his own life.

Now your H's situation is certainly not as dramatic, but emotionally it may be trickier to figure out. Your situation with your dad is black and white. Your H's situation with emotional abuse is not so black and white, hence the answers and even the right questions are harder for him.

Try shaking him up and waking him up as much as possible before you throw in the towel. At least you will be able to say you gave it your all.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Can you accept staying in a marriage with him if nothing EVER changes?

 

I would really find out the answer to that question, if I were in your shoes. Maybe you might need some counseling to help you with that.

 

Once you know for sure, and the answer turns out to be "NO," you are in a position to make some demands upon him. I would go for some predetermined blocks of time where he absolutely will NOT be doing any car-related stuff and he will be doing something that enhances your relationship. Also, some household help, chores, or other responsibilities should be insisted upon.

 

I do NOT advise couching this in the form of an ultimatum. I think it's best to speak of yourself ... "I NEED this from you, and I REQUIRE it from you ... our marriage NEEDS your participation and nurturing." Then lay it out.

 

If he agrees, you will probably have to ride his a$$ to keep him to it.

 

As someone already said, if he refuses or cannot give you this, you might have to go ...

 

Unless you CAN accept the marriage in this condition til death do you part.

[Mr Orange]

He needs a shock to his system, this is too much

[Taji]

Emotionally unavailable was spot on, You Go Girl. The definition describes him exactly.

 

Yes Sadin. I suppose I have changed my expectations in the middle of the game. And I am not without fault or responsibility in this whole thing. The H and I met originally at an online dating site. We emailed and chatted on the phone for one month, which was Dec. 2005 and we had yet to meet.

 

On New Year's 2006 my Mom passed away. The first time I met the H was at my Mom's funeral. He didn't know me at all but yet took care of me. Eventually he wanted me to move in with him. So, needless to say after moving, selling my home and changing jobs I did everything the experts say you should not do after a life altering experience.

 

The H surely does need a major shock to his system. And this weekend I have done alot of thinking while he's been in the garage. I made the mistake this weekend of mentioning that my little car has been waiting for one year for his attention. Well that didn't go over well. We have a second home four hours away and I have begun to look for jobs in that area. Because moving away appeals to me greatly.

 

Thank you all for so much good information and your opinions as I have been really down these past couple of days and it helps to type/chat with you all.

[mem11363]

Is this his way of avoiding intimacy with you? Of avoiding a physical relationship?

 

 

Emotionally unavailable was spot on, You Go Girl. The definition describes him exactly.

 

Yes Sadin. I suppose I have changed my expectations in the middle of the game. And I am not without fault or responsibility in this whole thing. The H and I met originally at an online dating site. We emailed and chatted on the phone for one month, which was Dec. 2005 and we had yet to meet.

 

On New Year's 2006 my Mom passed away. The first time I met the H was at my Mom's funeral. He didn't know me at all but yet took care of me. Eventually he wanted me to move in with him. So, needless to say after moving, selling my home and changing jobs I did everything the experts say you should not do after a life altering experience.

 

The H surely does need a major shock to his system. And this weekend I have done alot of thinking while he's been in the garage. I made the mistake this weekend of mentioning that my little car has been waiting for one year for his attention. Well that didn't go over well. We have a second home four hours away and I have begun to look for jobs in that area. Because moving away appeals to me greatly.

 

Thank you all for so much good information and your opinions as I have been really down these past couple of days and it helps to type/chat with you all.

[Yo quiero Taco Bell]

Your husband sounds pathetic.

 

Did you want to marry a car? Sounds to me like yer H iz not in to yer marriage. If he won't quit humpin' his car 24/7 then you start goin' out on yer own. If he duznt wake up, then ya got yer answer: a Dork; Question: What has my husband become?

 

Now make a run for the border and hit the bell.

[Taji]

No, mem11363. He doesn't have any issues with physical intimacy at all. It's just in every day life he'd rather me be seen, rather than heard.

 

Yo quiero Taco Bell............LOL. I need to think outside the box, thanks.