OliveOyl Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 For me, it takes much more than just good looks to arouse chemistry/sparks. Behavior and personality are definitely factors. For instance, I've been on dates with guys I found very physically attractive and magnetizing but felt nearly zero chemistry with, because they did not also arouse my desires on an intellectual, emotional, and/or spiritual level. For me, chemistry is just the excitement of possibility, that strong inner stirring that suggests there's a future worth exploring with this person. Essentially, it's the mating urge cranked up to a level I can't ignore. Keep in mind that women generally have higher standards for mating partners than men, since their reproductive burden is many times bigger. I'm not interested in casual relationships, so for me, just a handsome package is never going to be enough to arouse chemistry. Now, if we're clicking on many different levels, it doesn't take long for my mind to start trying him on as Mr. Right. This. It's not just whether he's "hot or not." A guy can be objectively hot but still the chemistry is lacking. I know you guys want to be able to pin it down but it's impossible to pin down, because unlike attractiveness which CAN be objective to some degree (people generally agree on whether a certain person is handsome or pretty), chemistry is completely dependent on that "vibe." And... it can't be broken down into pieces or manufactured. It's either there (after a given amount of time) or it's not.
OliveOyl Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 They say things like this to remove any of their own accountability at all from the process. Many women are so worried about ever admitting or showing a character flaw, such as shallowness or superficiality, taking any responsibility for their own feelings, that they can't merely say in a staightforward way, "I am not attracted," and instead rely on the bogus notion "chemistry" an unnecessary "middle man" in the equation. It's not ME that isn't attracted, it's just that mean old "chemistry." Shun women who think like this and express themselves so, as they will rationalize in other ways also. She did you a favor. So you really would prefer that at the end of a date a woman say plainly, "Thanks, but I'm not attracted to you?"
florence of suburbia Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Hopefully, I would have better taste than to date a woman who would volunteer such at the end of a first date. If I called her later and asked her out again and she didn't want to go, then yes, would prefer to hear, "Sorry meerkat, I'm not attracted to you" as opposed to some reference to some "chemistry fairy" who didn't sprinkle her magic dust. If I were to hear some claptrap about chemistry, that would equate to her saying "My Little Pony told me not to go out with you again." This is just semantics.
MrHalfJack Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 i recently ended a five year relationship and one of the things she told me was that we don't have much in common. i was surprised when she said that are personalities are different. i thought that was the one thing we had going for us. plus, i thought we liked some of the same music. and i thought we had chemistry. it felt right for us to be together, although it wasn't always easy, and i had to work at it.
Author RockThing Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 Look, I took what she said at face value. She's not interested and there is no way I can take that personally since she only met me once before and then that night. She doesn't know me. Period. Yes, I made some dating mistakes as a few of you pointed out. I just didn't understand the semantics of her death sentence on our future dating life together. I suppose what's confusing is that I have no control, I'm out of the driving seat. If I'm interested in a woman, I'll put my effort into having a good time with her. I'll dress up, we'll go somewhere fun and different, I'll treat her well. All the things I can control, I do. I understand, for instance, that making her laugh, being confident, and being relaxed are things that will help her enjoy my company more. If I had a chem-dar along with the other equipment down my pants and could see the number her radar is picking up on me then I could change gears during the night. I'd then say 'You know what Violet-Elizabeth? there's no chemistry between us, right? You wanna call it a night or go watch a movie together. Let's be friends'. Like I said, she did kiss me so getting the kiss-off was a blunt instrument response. Sure, one poster said, women can be people pleasers too. What attracted me to this girl, is that she wasn't. She didn't care what people thought about her. Women are known to communicate in a subtle way with words and their body language and I do not understand their inner workings (and I don't think they fully do either). What are the cues for 'No Chemistry'? Oh, I liked this btw. Keep in mind that women generally have higher standards for mating partners than men, since their reproductive burden is many times bigger.
USMCHokie Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 If I'm interested in a woman, I'll put my effort into having a good time with her. And that's ALL you have to do. If she ends up not being interested in more, then brush it off and move on. Don't take that sh*t personally. Not everyone is going to be a match. NEXT, please. If she acts like everything is great throughout the date and then drops the no chemistry bomb on you, who cares? You did everything you could do to make her get interested in you. Stop trying to control things you can't control, namely her feelings... What are the cues for 'No Chemistry'? Here's a pretty big cluebomb: "I really, really like you. We had fun...and you're an amazing guy. But, I don't think there's any chemistry, right?"
tkgirl Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 .. I did come on to her during the night, such as the kiss at the party. I know all the PUA artists talk long on building attraction, but I'm not sure this is the same thing chemistry. this right here... STOP reading all that crap about PUA techniques or whatever.. if a girl has any kind of brain in her head, she will sense that you are "acting" a certain way or whatever that PUA crap tells you to need to do to get a women. If a guy isn't being genuine then it doesn't matter how attractive he may be... I would not feel the "chemistry" thing either... hope that helps some!
Author RockThing Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 Can't agree with you on PUA. Yes, some is wierd, way-off but the best thing it has done is taught thousands how to at least approach women. How to initiate and keep going a conversation with women is what every guy needs to learn. Most of the rest is just not for me. But take a look at Cosmo. That's all about how to bag the man. There's a section called 'Body language decoder' 'Starting conversations' etc. etc. PUA 101.
tkgirl Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Can't agree with you on PUA. Yes, some is wierd, way-off but the best thing it has done is taught thousands how to at least approach women. How to initiate and keep going a conversation with women is what every guy needs to learn. Most of the rest is just not for me. But take a look at Cosmo. That's all about how to bag the man. There's a section called 'Body language decoder' 'Starting conversations' etc. etc. PUA 101. Exactly why I NEVER read Cosmo... well, not in a really long time! But now I find it pretty insulting to my intelligence. Same goes for these so-called PUA tactics.. I mean, great if it helps some guys approach women or whatever. But I think a lot of guys buy into that crap and think it will help them become a player or something and bang a different girl every weekend... any girl that has any kind of respect for herself at all can sense these kind of wannabe players a mile away and will probably run the other way! Anyways, back to my original post... I guess what I was trying to say is just be yourself.... and if the girl still doesn't feel any chemistry then so be it... next! Go find someone who does like you for you.. she's out there. But if you are trying to be someone else, trying PUA crap or whatever and then she rejects you anyways, then you're left wondering what you did wrong... what you could do next time etc... when actually, you really shouldn't care so much! does that make any sense? it's been a long night here at work and my brain is getting a little mushy....
USMCHokie Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 My opinon is that PUA crap helps guys who (1) have trouble getting women in general or (2) are trying to pick up a woman who isn't interested in them. High quality guys let their awesomeness speak for itself.
tkgirl Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 My opinon is that PUA crap helps guys who (1) have trouble getting women in general or (2) are trying to pick up a woman who isn't interested in them. High quality guys let their awesomeness speak for itself. exactly!
BentSpine Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 So you really would prefer that at the end of a date a woman say plainly, ''Thanks, but I'm not attracted to you?''Yes, being bullshyted to is more insulting. Good posts, meerkat stew.
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