we just broke up, and she wrote me a letter.

[MrNate]

Whoa wait, you set boundaries and rules? No way. That part wasn't really true at all. You never really set any boundaries that was your problem in the two of yours equation. You would just react to the complete and utter **** she'd pull to see if you actually HAD boundaries (like the last ridiculous act which basically means you have to breakup).

 

She probably knew it was coming because deep down she realized this.

 

The reason I wouldn't respond at all to her facebook message is because it gives NO INDICATION she wants to change anything to suit your needs. It's entirely about HERSELF, how you "won't be there for her" blablabla. There isn't one ounce of true "I want to please you" or "I just loved doing stuff for you" or whatever. She doesn't talk about anything you want in the entire thing.

 

I would just leave her alone because that will help her get over the whole thing faster.

 

Yeah, this is kind of how I feel to.

 

I mean, if she loved him that much, then why is it so hard to consider other venues to work in. Especially, as from what we've seen, she's gotten into coke??

 

This is kind of why I advocate a talk. Not so much about what went wrong, but why she was so bent on doing something that made him uncomfortable.

[leftfordead2]

Yeah, this is kind of how I feel to.

 

I mean, if she loved him that much, then why is it so hard to consider other venues to work in. Especially, as from what we've seen, she's gotten into coke??

 

This is kind of why I advocate a talk. Not so much about what went wrong, but why she was so bent on doing something that made him uncomfortable.

 

 

eh...industry? coke? Did I read the wrong thread or did I get the OP mixed up..

[MrHalfJack]

i got an email, and she did cheat on me (for the second time). i was in shock. that was the best and longest relationship i ever had. it lasted five years, and ended real close to our anniversay. the first time she cheated was during the month of our anniversary too. makes me hate september.

[aerogurl87]

I'm gonna play devil's advocate here and suggest that maybe she wrote you that letter to get closure. When my ex and I broke up, well when he left me for someone else, we didn't talk for a good 4-5 months. During that time of NC I broke down one day and wrote a poem to him, telling him exactly how I felt. And then it was good to send it to him this spring and get everything out there in the open. It gave me closure, maybe that's what she's looking for.

[p0w3r]

I'm gonna play devil's advocate here and suggest that maybe she wrote you that letter to get closure. When my ex and I broke up, well when he left me for someone else, we didn't talk for a good 4-5 months. During that time of NC I broke down one day and wrote a poem to him, telling him exactly how I felt. And then it was good to send it to him this spring and get everything out there in the open. It gave me closure, maybe that's what she's looking for.

 

U mean closure, as in for her to finally get out all her feelings out there in the open off her chest and make herself realise that this is over?

[p0w3r]

i got an email, and she did cheat on me (for the second time). i was in shock. that was the best and longest relationship i ever had. it lasted five years, and ended real close to our anniversay. the first time she cheated was during the month of our anniversary too. makes me hate september.

 

I am simply throwing the letter out there. I just wanted to know what she felt.

 

I don't see what you are trying to accomplish with that. Its not that satirical and not all that funny. Yes, I get what you are trying to say, but what you are saying is not true. Its not like a treasure this letter like if its gold, I just want to know what she is trying to tell me.

[p0w3r]

Yeah, this is kind of how I feel to.

 

I mean, if she loved him that much, then why is it so hard to consider other venues to work in. Especially, as from what we've seen, she's gotten into coke??

 

This is kind of why I advocate a talk. Not so much about what went wrong, but why she was so bent on doing something that made him uncomfortable.

 

Huh? Coke?

 

...........

[MrHalfJack]

I am simply throwing the letter out there. I just wanted to know what she felt.

 

I don't see what you are trying to accomplish with that. Its not that satirical and not all that funny. Yes, I get what you are trying to say, but what you are saying is not true. Its not like a treasure this letter like if its gold, I just want to know what she is trying to tell me.

 

i'm confused. i wasn't trying to be satirical or funny. just felt like sharing. what am i saying that's "not true?"

[Heartford]

Power, what do you feel toward her at this moment?

 

(has someone else pointed out his name is Power, and he seems so damned bent on being "one up" on her?) If so, what's that about? There's no room for being in control of a real relationship.

 

Regardless, OP, what are your feelings about her at this moment?

[p0w3r]

i'm confused. i wasn't trying to be satirical or funny. just felt like sharing. what am i saying that's "not true?"

 

This was the first time she really did something I was extremely disapproving of. Thats why I had dumped her. So she didn't cheat on me, twice.

 

I don't think my emotions should be associated with any of this. Yes, it does suck a lot, but you don't think it was necessary to split up?

[MrNate]

Huh? Coke?

 

...........

 

You said she got into cocaine right? Sorry for the abbreviation

[p0w3r]

Power, what do you feel toward her at this moment?

 

(has someone else pointed out his name is Power, and he seems so damned bent on being "one up" on her?) If so, what's that about? There's no room for being in control of a real relationship.

 

Regardless, OP, what are your feelings about her at this moment?

 

As i had postedin another thread, my username is power simply because I was listening to the song Power by Kanye West when I made the account. I wouldn't lie about this since this is very much an annoymous forum and reputation counts for little when you are asking for advice.

 

My feelings towards her? I will tell you, but I want you to tell me why does my feelings matter when we are discussing what she thinks right now.

 

My feelings towards her are that I am disappointed that she had chosen to do what she did. She should have made it clear to me that she didn't want to be part of the relationship if she didn't want to be in it instead of doing what she did. She is still on my mind all day right now. I realise I had done wrong things and she had done wrong things and we both handled this badly. I want her to feel bad about what I made her go through. I realise there is no way back into this relationship.

 

I don't know. I just think that this was the obvious ending and there wasn't much room to fix it.

[p0w3r]

You said she got into cocaine right? Sorry for the abbreviation

 

no? When did I say that?

 

She's drank beer like once in her life, never smoked, never had sex, never watched porn etc etc.

[that girl]

The girl was just dumped. It isn't surprising that she wrote a sappy letter. That doesn't mean that is how she will feel in a week.

 

Meanwhile, you are filled with rage that isn't really reasonable. You want her to feel bad and think this is all her fault, but really both of you were the problem. Hopefully you'll be over that in a week too.

 

Why didn't she say any of this in person?

 

I think you know why.

 

Admittedly, during that talk I dominated the talk (but she didn't seem to want to say much), and probably didnt give her a chance to talk, but if she really wanted to tell me this she'd have done this in person.

 

From all the non-IM conversations you have described, this seems like a pattern for you two. You yell at her and she doesn't really respond. She might have a hard time asserting herself in person, but you also seem to not know how to open a dialoge.

 

I think you should just leave this alone. Her posting on Facebook are looking for sympathy and you have no interest in getting back with her. The one thing you want (for her to take total blame) is really unlikely to happen.

[Heartford]

As i had postedin another thread, my username is power simply because I was listening to the song Power by Kanye West when I made the account. I wouldn't lie about this since this is very much an annoymous forum and reputation counts for little when you are asking for advice.

 

My feelings towards her? I will tell you, but I want you to tell me why does my feelings matter when we are discussing what she thinks right now.

 

My feelings towards her are that I am disappointed that she had chosen to do what she did. She should have made it clear to me that she didn't want to be part of the relationship if she didn't want to be in it instead of doing what she did. She is still on my mind all day right now. I realise I had done wrong things and she had done wrong things and we both handled this badly. I want her to feel bad about what I made her go through. I realise there is no way back into this relationship.

 

I don't know. I just think that this was the obvious ending and there wasn't much room to fix it.

 

Disappointment is not a feeling, precisely, it is a judgement foremost, aligned with hopefullness dashed. You say she is still on your mind... what is it that is on your mind, besides this idea that she has done you wrong and doesn't seem to get it, in your view?

 

You want her to feel bad about what you made her go through? Clarify please?

 

I agree, the ending was obvious and it had to happen.

 

I'm asking these questions in order to help you in the utmost honest way I can. With your answers should come clarity regarding why she's acting as she is, and why you're behaving as you are. Insight is what you're after, istn't it?

[p0w3r]

I think she is saying this so I could go back to her and return to her life, either in a relationship way like before or just in a friend way to be part of her life.

 

But I don't think I am prepared to do that. Even if we were to return to a relationship, I have been advised by other posters that it should be she that goes back to me and actively asks for relationship.

 

Right now, I have not blocked her on MSN yet. On her MSN status thing she had changed it twice since she saw me online. I believe this is to communicate with me in a indirect way. one status ws :"I miss you..", and the other status was.."I've cried so much I can't even open my eyes:.

 

Now if she said this to me directly it would have been a different thing. But having this as your MSN status is just trying to ask me to talk to her first. I think posters here have told me to avoid contact with her so I won't give her any reaction to that.

 

By closure, do you mean she indeed wants to move on? Or what?

[p0w3r]

Disappointment is not a feeling, precisely, it is a judgement foremost, aligned with hopefullness dashed. You say she is still on your mind... what is it that is on your mind, besides this idea that she has done you wrong and doesn't seem to get it, in your view?

 

I know that she probably doesn't really get what exactly she had done wrong. (because there were many things that she did wrong). she asked me during our final talk why I am doing this (the break up), and I said, "ok, I was just here to talk to you briefly about that this is over and any necessary future plans, but since you asked me to clarify things, I will explain some things." I went on to tell her about the thing she did (the thing that I described in the other thread). and just said thats a big part of the reason.

 

I didn't want to explain too much about the things she did i didn't like. I just explained that one day and she said she admits its her fault.

 

So, I guess in the end, she realised one of the things she did wrong and admitted it. I think she might have reflected on all the other things that we had arguments before, but she might or might not think those were wrong.

 

The main things thats been on my mind since the breakup are things like, could we have solved this without a breakup, could I have done things differently when we were together and avoided this breakup, and whether I had acted too angry towards her during that final talk, and how to handle her in the near future, and what she is thinking about the breakup and about me right now after the breakup(is she still wanting me back, or is she just feel she doesnt really care), and what she still feels about what happened recently including the breakup talk and whether she does care about this or she is going to ignore all this.

 

I think you probably think I still care about her. Yes, I admit, I do still care about the relationship and misses her very much. I won't deny that.

 

But at the same time, I realise I could not tolerate that behavior that she did to me. It hurt me, and I realise that I either lose the girl right now, or two weeks later I lose the girl AND my self-respect.

 

Thats basically what went through my mind all day.

 

 

 

I don't want the breakup to happen, but it HAD to be done. if I could I wouldnt have dumped her. But I am inexperienced and almost every poster suggested I dump her. They can't be all wrong.

 

 

 

You want her to feel bad about what you made her go through? Clarify please?

 

Well, I'll be straight up here. I want her to hate me. I want her to be depressed about what I had made her go through (the crying, the drinking etc as a result of me dumping her). Basically I want her to think I am a jerk that destroyed her life. (at least currently)

 

Because while I actually just want to tell her everything and what exactly she did wrong and that I'm very hurt and sad about what she made me go through, I know and all our close mutual friends know that she is a drama queen and she would not be sad, but rather, she would gain a sense of self-satisfaction that she had made me sad and I was hurt by her. I'll tell you, and you don't have to believe me, that I am a very good-natured guy and would never hurt anyone unless they really deserved it. I would never break a girls heart if she never meant any harm to me and was not a b!tch. So, while I actually would play the victim if it was to a normal girl, but I cannot give her a reaction that she wants and craves.

 

She the b!tch for doing all this to me.

 

If I showed to her that I am depressed and still thinks about her 247, she would not feel guilty. She'd feel a sense of accomplishment.

 

Your view towards all this?

 

 

I agree, the ending was obvious and it had to happen.

 

I'm asking these questions in order to help you in the utmost honest way I can. With your answers should come clarity regarding why she's acting as she is, and why you're behaving as you are. Insight is what you're after, istn't it?

 

Yes, insight is the the reason I had posted this here.

 

The ending was necessary.

 

I have a question,:"I was a bit out of control and angry to her when I had told her that everything was over and we are not part of each other's lives anymore, ( I wasn't out of my mind and raging or anything, just said things quite loud and really fast and serious). Is this bad? Should I have been totally calm and acted friendly? So I wouldn't have seemed like I cared about what she did and given her a reaction she wanted?

 

Thanks very much

[p0w3r]

The girl was just dumped. It isn't surprising that she wrote a sappy letter. That doesn't mean that is how she will feel in a week.

 

Meanwhile, you are filled with rage that isn't really reasonable. You want her to feel bad and think this is all her fault, but really both of you were the problem. Hopefully you'll be over that in a week too.

 

 

 

I think you know why.

 

 

 

From all the non-IM conversations you have described, this seems like a pattern for you two. You yell at her and she doesn't really respond. She might have a hard time asserting herself in person, but you also seem to not know how to open a dialoge.

 

I didn't go to have the final talk with the intention of having a dialogue. As advised my other LS'ers, there would have been no point of trying to explain to her and telling her everything she did wrong, etc, etc. A LS poster did suggest that if I was to say anything of substance to her during that talk, that would just be me just saying what I felt about the actions she did to me. (something along the lines of, "I am very concerned about your previous behavior and what you did to me and I feel very disrespected and violated that you had chosen to do what you did").

 

She asked me to explain why I had chosen to break up. I thought I'd explain then leave as soon as possible.

 

My plan for the talk was (as advised by many LS posters), is to just say my side of things and tell her my message then leave. I didn't plan to hold a discussion. (Posters have told me there is no point.)

 

I do try to open up a dialogue back when we were still together. I asked her questions calmly but she would only give very brief answers. So instead of trying to asking her 10 minuntes worth of questions and getting back 20 seconds worth of answers, I had decided to tell her my view and my thoughts and let her decide. She gave me answers that pleased the relationship, but her actions were different. (i.e. I told her that her visiting his place was problematic to us, but she said she wouldnt go there often. I didn't believe her but what else could I have said ? You are lying and you will still go there everyday? She would only deny that and it would turn into an argument in no time)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think you should just leave this alone. Her posting on Facebook are looking for sympathy and you have no interest in getting back with her. The one thing you want (for her to take total blame) is really unlikely to happen.

 

I do have interest in getting back at her,(in fact its quite strong) as long as she is the one that is actively requesting to get back together and make clear to me that she is willing to change her actions and be with me. I am not going to be like, "hey girl, I see you are sad and you been crying, so I think you still have feelings towards me, so you wanna get back together?" She wasn't even communcating these messages to me directly or privately, but in an indirect manner through public statuses hoping I'd notice them. Which boyfriend that got cheated on still asks his gf to get back together?! Its her fault, not his. If she didn't do what she did this wouldnt have happend. I had faults, too, but my faults would not have lead to a breakup in any relationship.

 

 

 

You are trying to point the blame to me. Thats fine, and I don't mind it and I welcome constructive criticsm. You can say I am the bad guy but tell me why I am the bad guy and please guide me to what actions I should do. If you tell me I dont know how to open up a dialogue, then can you tell me what I should have acted to open up a dialogue? Thanks. You can call me a d!k but then tell me how not to be a D1k.

[p0w3r]

She made it a point to say that she really wanted to suggest not splitting up/letting things go, but also that you really don't care anymore. Unless you don't care, statements like that will touch anyone who actually does care. I also think she did a good job and keeping the emphasis on her while not blaming you for it.

 

Basically, she made it clear that this was her fault, but that she wanted to fix things. So, she did a good job in trying to make you feel guilty for breaking it off.

 

I'd probably feel a bit down myself if I received a letter like that. I'd likely feel that she really IS sorry and willing to give the relationship another go. However, I'd know it wouldn't be smart to continue on with it.

 

Surprisingly I didn't feel down much after I received that. I mean, she could commit the same ridiculous mistake 10 times, and she could want to fix it 10 times. Just because she wants to fix it 10 times does that mean the time I don't give her the opporunity to fix it I am the bad guy? Just because she want to fix the mistake doesn't mean I have to accept it. After all, she did the crime, and not every crime has to have a forgiveness. Agree or disagree?

 

I don't see how just because she is willing to fix things I have to give her an opportunity to do that. If I did, then that means I obviously don't care that she is disrespectful to me.

 

I had a certain good feeling after I read the letter. I thought she simply could have just said:"oh well too bad I did what I did and you want to leave so just go then I wont stop you."

 

She wants to get back, but she can't. It gives her a feeling of loss and rejection. Which I want her to have.

 

So is she did a good job on emphasising herself and not blaming me for it. What is the outcome of that? Does that mean she is trying to put on a attitude that she is the victim and she has the moral high ground?

[CLC2008]

I think what some of the other members are suggesting, is that you are coming across as psychopathic with the intent that you have so clearly demonstrated of making her suffer for her actions.

 

I was cheated on in my last relationship, but taking steps in order to make my ex "suffer" was not a thought that had ever crossed my mind. He had a weak moment, he f*cked up, and the price he paid was losing me. And then, I walked away, and never looked back. I did that for me, not him.

 

You can still be angry with her, pissed, hurt, etc. but what you should be doing is focusing on yourself and healing. You broke up with her, so, that's a start. Keep going....

 

And, you might want to put this in the coping section, not dating.

 

It's much more supportive and empathetic and reading as well as posting in that section, can do wonders.

 

Best wishes.

[p0w3r]

I think what some of the other members are suggesting, is that you are coming across as psychopathic with the intent that you have so clearly demonstrated of making her suffer for her actions.

 

I was cheated on in my last relationship, but taking steps in order to make my ex "suffer" was not a thought that had ever crossed my mind. He had a weak moment, he f*cked up, and the price he paid was losing me. And then, I walked away, and never looked back. I did that for me, not him.

 

You can still be angry with her, pissed, hurt, etc. but what you should be doing is focusing on yourself and healing. You broke up with her, so, that's a start. Keep going....

 

And, you might want to put this in the coping section, not dating.

 

It's much more supportive and empathetic and reading as well as posting in that section, can do wonders.

 

Best wishes.

 

Thanks.

 

I guess what I am trying to do is immature, and I'll stop thinking about trying to do that. I admit I think making the guilty one suffer makes me happy as I think justice is done. But I guess its wrong.

 

Can I ask, and this is for all the readers out there:

BASED ON THE LETTER, DOES SHE STILL WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER, OR NOT?

[CLC2008]

Thanks.

 

I guess what I am trying to do is immature, and I'll stop thinking about trying to do that. I admit I think making the guilty one suffer makes me happy as I think justice is done. But I guess its wrong.

 

Can I ask, and this is for all the readers out there:

BASED ON THE LETTER, DOES SHE STILL WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER, OR NOT?

 

Hurting and wanting the other person to hurt, I think is normal reaction to being wronged, especially after being cheated on.

 

So, what good do you think could possibly come out of getting back together? No one likes to take the high road after something like that. But, sometimes you just have to or at least attempt and try to put forth every effort in order to do so, as difficult as it may be.

[p0w3r]

Hurting and wanting the other person to hurt, I think is normal reaction to being wronged, especially after being cheated on.

 

So, what good do you think could possibly come out of getting back together? No one likes to take the high road after something like that. But, sometimes you just have to or at least attempt and try to put forth every effort in order to do so, as difficult as it may be.

 

Yes, taking the high road is what everyone is telling me. But again and again I want her to suffer and suffer and realise she deserves all the suffering.

 

I know people here want to prevent drama and conflict, but I think it is necessary to make her suffer in order to make me happy. I know I can be classy and just ignore everything from now on about do other things to make me happy. But making her suffer is the fastest and most effective way to do that.

 

But I know everyone here will think I am immature and oppose me from doing that, so I won't do it. After all you guys are much more experienced than me probably.

 

She's been really emo about everything. saying on facebook shes been crying, dreaming about me, being depressed.

 

 

 

but anyways, from reading the letter, does she still WANT me to get back together with her. ( I know she will not ask me to get back together with her, but does she still have that feeling that she wants me back?)

[that girl]

Yes, taking the high road is what everyone is telling me. But again and again I want her to suffer and suffer and realise she deserves all the suffering.

 

I know people here want to prevent drama and conflict, but I think it is necessary to make her suffer in order to make me happy. I know I can be classy and just ignore everything from now on about do other things to make me happy. But making her suffer is the fastest and most effective way to do that.

 

But I know everyone here will think I am immature and oppose me from doing that, so I won't do it. After all you guys are much more experienced than me probably.

Seek counselling.

 

Seriously.

 

Most college campuses have free counselling, go to student health services.

 

Many people do kind of hope their ex has a miserable life without them. But it isn't normal to think that you need them to suffer for you to be happy.

 

I could almost understand it if your girlfriend had done something really horrible like had an affair with your brother but she didn't.

 

She didn't even cheat on you.

 

She is immature and didn't handle things the best possible way but neither did you.

 

Alarm bells have been going off for me through all your postings. The way you talk about wanting to prove to her that she was wrong and make her unhappy is a little much considering how you broke up.

 

I think you have a tendency to bully. You've kind of admitted this with all of your comments about yelling at her. Of course no one is perfect and we all have moments that we are less than proud of, but you are going beyond that with this "I need her to suffer" stuff.

 

Your girlfriend isn't perfect, she is immature, she isn't as thoughtful as she should be.

 

But you aren't perfect either. All along I thought you were likely 40-50% of the problem, but now I think it is probably more than that. You aren't on a good path, you have too much of a need to win and too little understanding of your own responsibilities in this mess.