GooseChaser Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Question in the topic title! Is the difference mainly in the future hopes and expectations for the relationship? Also, if you really want to date someone, should you say no to friends with benefits, because FWBs aren't taken as seriously?
FearandLoathing Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Hi GooseChaser, Difference is, FWB is JUST sex. Relationships you can go out and be a couple, you can share thoughts and ideas with each other - there is a level of commitment there. The most commitment you'll get in a FWB situation is "oh hey, what's up, i'll be there at 8pm tonight." If you like someone you should not enter this situation with them. You'll end up getting hurt because, no matter how many excuses you wish to make about it, if he liked you enough he would want to be in a relationship with you. He's not going into this with feelings, he's going into this looking for sex and ONLY sex. You're the one with the feelings who is going to end up a)getting hurt and b)probably pushing him even further away when you get too clingy. You're going to do what you want and posting millions of thread isn't going to get you the answers that you want to hear. Sorry for being so harsh but you're really not looking at this in any logical way whatsoever it seems and it's frustrating to read.
Author GooseChaser Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Hi GooseChaser, Difference is, FWB is JUST sex. Relationships you can go out and be a couple, you can share thoughts and ideas with each other - there is a level of commitment there. The most commitment you'll get in a FWB situation is "oh hey, what's up, i'll be there at 8pm tonight." If you like someone you should not enter this situation with them. You'll end up getting hurt because, no matter how many excuses you wish to make about it, if he liked you enough he would want to be in a relationship with you. He's not going into this with feelings, he's going into this looking for sex and ONLY sex. You're the one with the feelings who is going to end up a)getting hurt and b)probably pushing him even further away when you get too clingy. You're going to do what you want and posting millions of thread isn't going to get you the answers that you want to hear. Sorry for being so harsh but you're really not looking at this in any logical way whatsoever it seems and it's frustrating to read. No, I'm considering everyone's opinions, and they're helping me! I'm even considering avoiding the friends with benefits thing and just being friends if he doesn't want to date. So it isn't possible for FWBs to "date"?
FearandLoathing Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 No, I'm considering everyone's opinions, and they're helping me! I'm even considering avoiding the friends with benefits thing and just being friends if he doesn't want to date. So it isn't possible for FWBs to "date"? If you were FWB and dating then it would be a relationship, which it is not. Do not put hope in him one discovering that all this time of having sex with you means he really likes you and wants to be in a relationship with you. I am very sure this will not happen. I'm sorry, I just really don't think it's a good idea to do this if you have feelings for him. I did this once, with my ex, and it was horrible.. it made me feel terrible. So, I'm not just telling you this without knowing what I'm talking about.
Philetus Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 No, I'm considering everyone's opinions, and they're helping me! I'm even considering avoiding the friends with benefits thing and just being friends if he doesn't want to date. So it isn't possible for FWBs to "date"? Anything is possible but I never dated a FWB. All my FWB fell into two categories. The ones I liked the most, we had a fairly regular thing. We'd get together Monday after my softball game, for example. It was, "Oh, Monday is sex with ___ day." The others were less frequent, booty call situations. If I found myself with nothing to do and I felt like sex, I'd call/text to see if they were up for getting together. In all my FWB cases we would hook up at my place or her place. We'd usually spend quite a few hours together, drinking, talking, having sex a couple of times, and often spending the night. But, we never 'dated'.
Author GooseChaser Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 What is good about what my guy and I agreed to about the possible FWB thing is that it would be exclusive, so we wouldn't mess around physically with anyone else, though we could still get to know other people and maybe date. I like that we would only be physically "seeing" each other and no one else. Also, if I went into the FWB thing, I would end it after a short period of time, like after 1 to 2 months. After that, he would be used to seeing me in a different light separate from friendship and being with me, and perhaps with luck he would ask me out for real. If he never did, though, it wouldn't be the end of the world. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I just want to get to know him a bit better, get a bit of experience with men, and have some fun. I'd love to date if it came up too, and I would prefer that to FWB.
Philetus Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 What is good about what my guy and I agreed to about the possible FWB thing is that it would be exclusive, so we wouldn't mess around physically with anyone else, though we could still get to know other people and maybe date. I like that we would only be physically "seeing" each other and no one else. Also, if I went into the FWB thing, I would end it after a short period of time, like after 1 to 2 months. After that, he would be used to seeing me in a different light separate from friendship and being with me, and perhaps with luck he would ask me out for real. If he never did, though, it wouldn't be the end of the world. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I just want to get to know him a bit better, get a bit of experience with men, and have some fun. I'd love to date if it came up too, and I would prefer that to FWB. If you become FWB, he won't date you after that. At least, I've never heard of it happening and there was never any question that I'd date a FWB. It's hard to go 'backwards' in a relationship. You just see people differently. Also, I'd be very careful of the 'exclusive' tag. How are you sure he'll keep to that? You have no hold on him. Do what's best for you but both of these things sound fishy to me.
bayouboi Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 What is good about what my guy and I agreed to about the possible FWB thing is that it would be exclusive, so we wouldn't mess around physically with anyone else, though we could still get to know other people and maybe date. I like that we would only be physically "seeing" each other and no one else. Also, if I went into the FWB thing, I would end it after a short period of time, like after 1 to 2 months. After that, he would be used to seeing me in a different light separate from friendship and being with me, and perhaps with luck he would ask me out for real. If he never did, though, it wouldn't be the end of the world. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I just want to get to know him a bit better, get a bit of experience with men, and have some fun. I'd love to date if it came up too, and I would prefer that to FWB. hahaha how fortunate for the other men that you date that you are "exclusively physical" with the FWB
Author GooseChaser Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 hahaha how fortunate for the other men that you date that you are "exclusively physical" with the FWB I'm not dating anyone else at this time; at the community college we are at, people take a more detached approach to social life, so guys really are more lazy here about approaching or anything like that. I agree that he probably likes the idea of me being exclusive with him and not seeing anyone else. For now, it works. If being exclusive becomes an issue, like if I meet someone else I want to date, we can always have a talk about it, and, if necessary, cut off the FWB.
EasyHeart Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 If he wanted to date you, he would. If a man suggests you be FWBs, it means he's willing to settle for having sex with you until someone better comes along, provided you don't expect him to make any effort at treating you well. It's basically an insult, but for some reason some women fall for it. Especially in a case like this, where you obviously wish to date him, you are going to end up getting hurt. You may think that you'll be able to walk away, but women start attaching to men when they sex. Don't do it.
Author GooseChaser Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 If he wanted to date you, he would. If a man suggests you be FWBs, it means he's willing to settle for having sex with you until someone better comes along, provided you don't expect him to make any effort at treating you well. It's basically an insult, but for some reason some women fall for it. Especially in a case like this, where you obviously wish to date him, you are going to end up getting hurt. You may think that you'll be able to walk away, but women start attaching to men when they sex. Don't do it. Yes, I agree that a man proposing to be FWBs isn't taking the relationship or potential for a strong, lasting bond super seriously, but will take what he can get for as little as possible. I agree with what you say about FWBs. I also understand that women get attached through sex. I will try to be careful if I go through with it. Thank you for your thoughts. It helps. Who knows, though, maybe I'll say no to the FWB and just hope for dating. If that didn't happen, we could always just be friends. I wouldn't have a problem with that.
Author GooseChaser Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Is there a big difference between "exclusivity" (in my FWB) and "commitment" (present in a real relationship)? What is the difference there? Exclusive mean that they promise only see each other, but commitment means a deeper bond with emotions and a drive to have a strong relationship?
amythan Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Not a good idea if you have feelings. I did, i am actually doing it so i can tell you are settling for a hard time. He can be sweet and caring. You can go out for dinner, laugh and have a blast BUT he is not going to consider you as relationship material. In other case he would had made it clear long time ago.
Author GooseChaser Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Not a good idea if you have feelings. I did, i am actually doing it so i can tell you are settling for a hard time. He can be sweet and caring. You can go out for dinner, laugh and have a blast BUT he is not going to consider you as relationship material. In other case he would had made it clear long time ago. Yeah, that's why "friends" is so prominent in the term FWB. That makes sense.
tigressA Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 You have feelings for this guy. You're considering having no-strings-attached sex with him. This is all he has offered you. The other posters have made it clear: If he wanted to date you, he would have offered you that instead of an FWB situation. He does not want to date you now, and will never want to date you if you become his FWB. You say that you'll be careful in how you go about this. I said I would be careful in how I went about my last FWB situation. Ha! What a joke. I ended up pining after him for over 2 years while we both dated other people. I cheated on my ex with him. He never wanted anything but sex from me and I tried so hard to see it differently; I made every excuse in the book. Your feelings for this guy, your desire to date him, are going to massively screw things up. No doubt about it. You will hurt. You will feel insulted. For the sake of your own well-being, don't do it. If you want to date him, make that clear to him. Don't settle for less than what you want.
Star Gazer Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Is there a big difference between "exclusivity" (in my FWB) and "commitment" (present in a real relationship)? What is the difference there? Exclusive mean that they promise only see each other, but commitment means a deeper bond with emotions and a drive to have a strong relationship? Huge difference, and you're also confusing being exclusive with someone in the dating context as opposed to exclusively sleeping with someone. When you're exclusive in the dating context, you're committed to only seeing that person both romantically and sexually. You CARE about the other person's feelings. There's a level of commitment there, you're building a relationship. On the other hand, when you're just exclusively sleeping with someone...that's ALL there is. No feelings, no emotions, no expectations, no labels, nothing but easy sex without any strings. He can be gettingsex from you, while he courts/dates/woos other girls that he DOES want a relationship with, and he expects you to do the same. Most people enter exclusive FWB arrangements just to protect themselves from STDs, no other reason. A FWB owes you nothing except free sex. They're also entitled to drop out out your life without word or notice.
Author GooseChaser Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 I'm going to meet him at Jamba Juice today to talk with him. Hopefully we'll get some of our unanswered questions resolved and have a better feel for where we're at and what we want.
Author GooseChaser Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Huge difference, and you're also confusing being exclusive with someone in the dating context as opposed to exclusively sleeping with someone. When you're exclusive in the dating context, you're committed to only seeing that person both romantically and sexually. You CARE about the other person's feelings. There's a level of commitment there, you're building a relationship. On the other hand, when you're just exclusively sleeping with someone...that's ALL there is. No feelings, no emotions, no expectations, no labels, nothing but easy sex without any strings. He can be gettingsex from you, while he courts/dates/woos other girls that he DOES want a relationship with, and he expects you to do the same. Most people enter exclusive FWB arrangements just to protect themselves from STDs, no other reason. A FWB owes you nothing except free sex. They're also entitled to drop out out your life without word or notice. Thanks for explaining that to me, I think that's an important difference to understand.
tigressA Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 I'm going to meet him at Jamba Juice today to talk with him. Hopefully we'll get some of our unanswered questions resolved and have a better feel for where we're at and what we want. Don't you already know what you want? You want to date him, right? That is what you've said here and in other threads. Don't settle for less than what you want. If he doesn't want to date you, leave it at that. Don't enter into a FWB arrangement just to try to get him to date you, because it will not work.
Author GooseChaser Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Don't you already know what you want? You want to date him, right? That is what you've said here and in other threads. Don't settle for less than what you want. If he doesn't want to date you, leave it at that. Don't enter into a FWB arrangement just to try to get him to date you, because it will not work. I guess what I mean is I'll get a better feeling of what he wants. I think what I want to do is say no to FWBs. You guys are right that going into that won't convince him to date me. I have to respect myself, express my feelings, and tell him what I really want.
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