DoloresClaiborne Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 I recently went on vacation to visit a friend and his long time girlfriend. 4 years ago when we became friends I was involved with someone else and he was living with his current girlfriend (who is a bit of a nightmare). We had an intense connection at that time, but I never thought of it as anything beyond friendship because at the time I was in love with someone else. So on my recent week vacation staying with him and his gf...I fell hard. I think he did as well. We've been either talking, chatting online, or texting everyday since I got back. He has been the primary one leading the correspondence, but I've definitely taken part as well. He keeps talking about when we are going to get together again and saying things about how he wishes I would move closer and how amazing I am. We have phenomenal chemistry and I miss him so much and think about him constantly. I feel like he is feeling the same way. He is only the second person I've ever felt this way about. This is not something I want to throw away. I feel like he is such a great person and deserves so much more out of life that what his girlfriend that holds him back can offer. She uses him to care for her, is lazy, and does little to contribute to the household while he struggles to make ends meet instead of pursuing his dreams. I want him to know he has another option- me! Should I confess my feelings have gone beyond friendship risking losing the friendship or should I try to find a way to distance myself and let it go?
pureinheart Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Hi D, Well, first try to look at the entire sitch objectively. Ask yourself what is it that YOU want, then I would go from there. The objectivity part is the hard part. There are reasons that your friend has stayed with his long time gf. Would he leave her and his roots for you? Why does he wish you to move closer? Would he be willing to move closer to you? Could you handle him not leaving his gf and still being with you? I am of the opinion that if a man really loves a woman, he will move heaven and earth to make that happen. I don't think you should do anything, if he wants you he knows where to find you. The glorious thing I find so intriguing about my life, and the one thing that causes me not to be anxious, is that when the time is right it WILL happen. The best part is I don't have to do a thing, I don't have to go looking for a R, nothing...all I have to do is occupy, knowing that he will find me. Search your heart and try not to be anxious, as whatever is to be, will be:) Good luck, and don't allow yourself to get hurt...k...
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Should I confess my feelings have gone beyond friendship risking losing the friendship or should I try to find a way to distance myself and let it go? He is clearly interested in more than friends. Lay your cards on the table and let him know how you feel. You will also need to be crystal clear that you will not settle for being OW, and that if he wants to be with you he needs to be single first. If you agree to see him while he has a girlfriend - even if you agree to see him while he "needs time to break it off" then you will be letting him know that you are ok with being his OW. Don't let that happen. You get what you settle for. If you want more, never settle for less.
Author DoloresClaiborne Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Thank you all for the advice. SadinTexas, what you said about his perception of his girlfriend mattering resonated with me. He adores her and the truth is that despite his budding feelings for me I doubt he would ever leave her. My chat/text contact with him continued for a little while. We both would stay up hours past our normal bedtimes to chat while his girlfriend was already in bed a few nights a week. It was never anything inappropriate. Just joking, swapping stories, being both silly and serious. I had recently decided I was going to just accept the friendship because I didn't want to get involved in a messy situation. I was even starting to look for someone to date, even discussed guys with him in our last conversation. I thought it was a good way to set up that boundary and keep him in the friend zone. Then abruptly he cut off all contact for what is now almost 3 weeks. I've had more contact with his girlfriend than him. She called to chat twice. I don't know whats going on. Either she suddenly got jealous (she is not the jealous type) and said something to him, he decided on his own that he was crossing some boundary...I don't know. I finally broke down and texted him a few days ago and got NOTHING. I'm just devastated at the sudden loss of the friendship. Does he have feelings for me that he only realized once I was talking about dating someone? I just wish he would tell me what is going on so I'm not just left in the dark not knowing that the hell just happened. Also, since this has happened it has brought my feelings back out in full force...missing him so much, realizing I will never EVEr be with him... What should I make of this?
BB07 Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Thank you all for the advice. SadinTexas, what you said about his perception of his girlfriend mattering resonated with me. He adores her and the truth is that despite his budding feelings for me I doubt he would ever leave her. My chat/text contact with him continued for a little while. We both would stay up hours past our normal bedtimes to chat while his girlfriend was already in bed a few nights a week. It was never anything inappropriate. Just joking, swapping stories, being both silly and serious. I had recently decided I was going to just accept the friendship because I didn't want to get involved in a messy situation. I was even starting to look for someone to date, even discussed guys with him in our last conversation. I thought it was a good way to set up that boundary and keep him in the friend zone. Then abruptly he cut off all contact for what is now almost 3 weeks. I've had more contact with his girlfriend than him. She called to chat twice. I don't know whats going on. Either she suddenly got jealous (she is not the jealous type) and said something to him, he decided on his own that he was crossing some boundary...I don't know. I finally broke down and texted him a few days ago and got NOTHING. I'm just devastated at the sudden loss of the friendship. Does he have feelings for me that he only realized once I was talking about dating someone? I just wish he would tell me what is going on so I'm not just left in the dark not knowing that the hell just happened. Also, since this has happened it has brought my feelings back out in full force...missing him so much, realizing I will never EVEr be with him... What should I make of this? IMO.....when he started getting the idea that you wouldn't go for what he wanted.....(ego strokes and something on the side), he cuts it off because he realizes that there isn't any payoff for him anymore. Also you need to be on the lookout, because I think when he gets bored he will start back up with you and he will tell you that he cut you off because he had feelings for you or he just couldn't do this to his g/f or insert some other bs excuse. I know it's painful to think that he is not what he appears to be, but fact is.......he is probably not. Don't let this guy suck you in while he is still in the relationship with the g/f. If she really is that bad.....there isn't any GOOD reasons that he can't walk and do it RIGHT with you.
Author DoloresClaiborne Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Also you need to be on the lookout, because I think when he gets bored he will start back up with you and he will tell you that he cut you off because he had feelings for you or he just couldn't do this to his g/f or insert some other bs excuse. I know it's painful to think that he is not what he appears to be, but fact is.......he is probably not. Don't let this guy suck you in while he is still in the relationship with the g/f. If she really is that bad.....there isn't any GOOD reasons that he can't walk and do it RIGHT with you. Thanks for the input. I think you are probably right that he will reappear in my life a little down the road when he gets bored/in a slump with his gf. We have so much fun together/intense connection it seems inevitable. However he has NEVER hinted at something happening between us. He is the really noble type and while a little flirty just not a cheater. I don't think he ever wanted me to be his slice on the side tho I do think he was enjoying our friendship a little bit too much. I do think he has developed feelings for me. What other reason would there be for such an abrupt cut-off? I could tell he was thinking about me through the day from random texts and eager to chat with me at night. I feel like he has decided to give me up cold turkey as to not risk feelings getting deeper/risking his relationship. I just think it really really is immature to do it this way. He should be straight up with me, but it is possible he doesnt want to risk completely losing the friendship. I'm just so confused.
BB07 Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Don't continue to pine for him.....he isn't yours, remember he has a g/f and really he shouldn't have been sharing so much with you in the first place. If he did cut you off because he had feelings for you, then he did the right thing because it wouldn't be fair to you or his g/f. So give him points for that and it saved you both from more hurt later on. Just call it one of those things and move on.......it's his loss, right?
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