not sure if it can work :(

[iheartsuki]

hello....i apologize in advance if this is long...i have been with my bf for 2 years and met while i was visiting with a mutual friend in another state. we're 26 and 27.

 

at the time that we met, we were both in school. i have always wanted to move to nyc, which is very close to where he is and have been in a littler bit of a rut where i am now. i did make it known that i would possibly like to move up there when i'm done w/ school (in the south and also where i grew up). we did talk about "when i move up there" with occasional doubts along the way and in the beginning he even made it known that he probably would not have continued dating me if i wasn't open to moving up there because he has no desire to live where i'm from.

 

i'm very close to my mom and family and life up there is very, very different. the cost, getting around, the businesses, the climate, the people, etc. it's exciting, and scary, but when all of that wears off.....i'm afraid i'll miss my family horribly and start feeling disconnected from my past and where i come from. these concerns were brought up and....later into our relationship he said that, even though he didn't want to move here initially, he would be open to it.

 

well, i graduated in may. i took the summer off and...now....it's time. we're finally making real plans for him to fly down here very soon to help me move my stuff up there, but i'm really having my doubts. we've been fighting all summer and recently it's the worst it's EVER been.....and last night i had a complete breakdown thinking about leaving my family and everything behind and being so far away. i also did two strenuous internships last summer in nyc (and stayed with him) ....and this resulted in me becoming a little less enamored with nyc.

 

i talked to him about my anxiety today and asked him again (b/c he is at a different stage in school now) if at any point in the future we would ever be able to come back here if i become really unhappy/homesick up there. his answer: no. partly b/c it would be really difficult for him to find a job down here, but he has come to the conclusion that up there is where he wants to be (outside of nyc, because he doesn't like nyc either, but might suck it up and live there temporarily for my sake). his reasons: the climate, he grew up there, his family is there, he prefers the businesses, etc. and he is VERY adamant about all of those things. living here "doesn't do it" for him.

 

part of my reason for wanting to possibly come back here is because my mom is by herself here. my dad and my grandma also live here, but my parents are divorced and when my grandma is gone....my mom will be on her own. she suffers from a lot of social phobias that keep her from making many friends and tends to be naive and i just worry about going off and leaving her here all alone. but there are many OTHER reasons, which i listed off to him....and ALL are the SAME as his.

 

despite this he insists that he shouldn't have to move "because of one person" and tells me "look at the chain of events....you stay there b/c of your mom and i move down there to be with you and all of these people's lives are dictated by one person". yet, he wants to stay there b/c HIS family is there and that's where HE wants to be....so i either have to move there to be with him or end it......and then if i move up there and my mom can't take being here by herself anymore with no family....she would basically have to move up there too. isn't that a chain of events as well??

 

this seems extremely unfair to me, like he's already made his choice. i feel like he's choosing his career and where HE wants to live over me b/c if he has to give those things up for me....he just WON'T. it's like his reasons for being there are more important than mine....even though we have the SAME reasons. so he has no choice to make but i'm forced to choose.

 

he has a very STRONG personality that can sometimes be domineering and rigid. he is probably one of the LEAST flexible people i know and i just don't know if i can live with that. i'm not even up there w/ him and i already feel trapped there!! i've tried explaining all these feelings to him and i just feel like he is so set in his ways and thinking....there just is something not connecting. rather than being sensitive/reassuring/etc...and considering the idea that he could make a sacrifice later on for someone he loves....after i made a HUGE sacrifice for him and then became unhappy/homesick....he just argues.

 

and there are other things on down the road....his family is very overbearing, close knit, lots of traditions....if we have kids together i feel like MY family, traditions, childhood, hometown, etc. will be totally forgotten and just in the background somewhere.

 

if anyone has any advice or insight....please help! i'm going crazy with anxiety, panic attacks, anger and resentment and i'm just starting to feel like this is never going to work and feeling pretty devastated.

[electricity]

Is it possible for your mom to move outside of NYC with you? If she doesn't have many friends where she is anyway, perhaps it won't be as bad for her to move?

 

Frankly, if you're both going to be rigid and unbending, perhaps the best thing to do is part ways and find SOs more like yourselves. I don't think he's being unfair - you both had the same decision to make. He already made his: he's not going to move. Now the question is, what's your decision? If you also don't want to move, then you've mutually agreed to part ways. It won't be your fault, it won't be his fault, you're just different people with different life goals.

[iheartsuki]

hi electricity, thanks for your reply (and thank you for taking the time to read all that!).

 

i think the two things that bother me THE MOST about this are

 

a) i will have to move away knowing that i will never live near my mom again.

 

b) nothing is being discussed with me. it's being decided and i'm basically being told i can take it or leave it.

 

as for a (and what you suggested about my mom moving up there)....i know she would hate it up there. where she lives now is VERY different...she HATES the cold, loves the warmth and sunshine here.....and the people up there are very different. even my bf's family is very loud, their values are very different....i know she would feel very awkward and uncomfortable around them and other people up there in general who are very much like them. the businesses are all older, smaller and more run-down looking....which i know would make her feel depressed. she would be totally out of her element and unhappy.

 

i have family members that live in virginia (my mom's sister) and we've always considered it a vague posibility that she might move up there. virginia is about 4 hours from where he lives now (and i guess, generally where he plans on staying permanently..) and she would be closer.....but it still wouldn't be the same. and some of those family members are now making plans to move (great timing!).

 

and it just REALLY bothers me that he doesn't respect my feelings enough to even DISCUSS with me not only where in the U.S. we'll start our lives.....but not where UP THERE. we talked about different states around nyc and, after a trip to boston, vaguely considered living somewhere around there.....we also both love maine.... but none of it was discussed. my feelings weren't considered. and now that i'm putting them out there anyway, it feels like they're just being ignored.

 

i just feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with that. am i just not seeing this situation clearly? is he being completely fair?

 

i'm hurting too much to be able to know or see anything clearly right now.

[aerogurl87]

 

b) nothing is being discussed with me. it's being decided and i'm basically being told i can take it or leave it.

 

 

I read your original post and then I read this, and then red flags went off in my head. He doesn't discuss these things with you, he just sort of decides them for you, you say? Well let me tell you, this type of behaviour will only get worse as time goes on. If you two decide to have a family, he will want control over how everything is run in your household. Do you really want to be with someone like that? Relationships are partnerships and take teamwork, not one person being controlling and running everything like the captain of a ship. I wouldn't move, obviously he's not being sympathetic of your feelings, he's just looking out for himself. I'd do the same if I were you.

 

EDIT: I'm from the South and I know I would hate living up in the Northern part of the States. My ex was from Boston and I hated it there. Everyone was pushy, in a hurry, no manners whatsoever. I couldn't take it, and then add to that the fact that it's so cold up there and I would've been miserable. So I can understand where you are coming from with that as well. It's both a culture and climate shock.

Edited September 17, 2010 by aerogurl87

[LittleTiger]

I agree in part with electricity's response - he doesn't want to move and he's made that clear (he has had to make a decision and that's it). It's up to you to make your own decision - are you prepared to move to be with him?

 

However, I think you already know the answer to that. You clearly don't want to go. It's very likely, from what you are saying, that you will be homesick and want to come home. I don't think this is a question of either of you choosing your home over your partner. We all have our limits and moving away from home is just too far past the limit for both of you.

 

I can totally empathise with what you're going through. My SO and I are 12000 miles apart on different continents. I considered moving out to be with him, but once I started looking at visas etc, the reality of what I was doing hit me and I changed my mind. I don't want to move for similar reasons to you. I've now made my decision. I love my SO, but if he can't come here then we probably can't be together.

 

Am I being selfish? Maybe. My own mother thinks I am. However, I think I will be unhappy in his country and if I'm unhappy, I don't believe our relationship will last long. Fortunately he's happy to move here eventually so that solves the problem for us.

 

Who knows ..... if you decide you can't/won't move, maybe your bf will have a change of heart ..... but I wouldn't bank on it.

[folieadeux]

If he is unwilling to compromise with you then, although obviously difficult, it seems as if the best route to go would be to go your own separate ways. In any LDR, the simple fact is that someone is going to have to move eventually. The other option is to come to an agreement to move somewhere neutral together. He seems totally unwilling to do either. Regardless of if you loved where your BF lived or not or have doubts about leaving home…everything cannot be up to him. A decision like this needs to be made together. If you choose to move with him, prepare for the reality of him dictating the rest of your life for you. Seems like a totally unfair situation to me.

[iheartsuki]

thanks, everyone, for your replies!

 

right now, i do want to go up there and feel that i need the change of scenery/lifestyle since i have been in so much of a rut with my life the past several years. i have always wanted to live up there, but i guess i am just terrified of being STUCK there. i'm also scared of permanently leaving my family. this was something i was NOT prepared for.

 

right now, he says that he is looking out for himself. he feels that he has spent a lot of time looking out for what i want and need, has been giving giving giving and hasn't been focusing on himself and hasn't felt like that has been returned to him. he feels that, because i want to go out and do things together when we're together (rather than just relax), just being with him is not enough and that he, alone, does not make me happy. the first part may be true, however, i feel like he has basically always put strong pressure on me to give him the things he wants/needs w/out first giving me the chance to do those things on my own (out of genuine loving feelings)...and this has created a lot resentment that has further perpetuated the problem.

 

further, i feel that i am constantly battling to be understood. he argues with most things that i say (even things that have nothing to do with him) and i feel like he never understands my side or quite understands my feelings (perfect example being this situation w/ moving). the focus is always put back on what i'm doing wrong, even if he does the same things. i am put constantly on the defense. this also creates resentment making it even more difficult for me to give him what he needs. i grow less affectionate and less vulnerable toward him b/c the resentment gets completely in the way.

 

this would be the fighting i was speaking of in my original post. so we are basically at gridlock. recently, during some very serious discussions, i explained to him these feelings of resentment, the cause of them, etc. and rather than looking at it from the angle that he could try making some changes that might melt the resentment so that i can give him what he wants and everyone is happy.....he said "i don't think that works for me".

 

he still didn't understand my feelings and i am still being left to fix the relationship. i'm the one who must change and then...i still don't feel understood or heard.

 

so given that part of his decision of where to live is based on these feelings of giving too much and needing to look out for himself now, does it make deciding w/out me anymore justifiable? or his he still just being a dictator in this relationship?

 

and can someone who has a rather controlling, argumentative personality ever change? he suggested counseling earlier in the relationship at a time that i thought it was unnecessary, but now, i don't think we will be able to continue without some kind of help. that requires living in the same place, though, but if our relationship is not one that can be fixed....i just don't know if that's a risk that would be worth it.

Edited September 18, 2010 by iheartsuki

[LittleTiger]

iheartsuki, it seems to me that your relationship is not currently solid enough for you to risk going to nyc just to be with him.

 

It's not for us to judge the reasons for his behaviour although he does sound very controlling and alarm bells would be ringing in my ears, if I was you. Perhaps you don't know him well enough yet, or perhaps this is a symptom of the distance.

 

If you want to go to nyc for yourself, for the change of scenery/lifestyle etc, then you should do so. Get your own apartment, arrange to see your bf regularly, and see how it goes.

 

Have some fun in the city and if the relationship doesn't work out, or you get homesick, you've lost nothing and you can go back home whenever you're ready.

[folieadeux]

iheartsuki, it seems to me that your relationship is not currently solid enough for you to risk going to nyc just to be with him.

 

It's not for us to judge the reasons for his behaviour although he does sound very controlling and alarm bells would be ringing in my ears, if I was you. Perhaps you don't know him well enough yet, or perhaps this is a symptom of the distance.

 

If you want to go to nyc for yourself, for the change of scenery/lifestyle etc, then you should do so. Get your own apartment, arrange to see your bf regularly, and see how it goes.

 

Have some fun in the city and if the relationship doesn't work out, or you get homesick, you've lost nothing and you can go back home whenever you're ready.

 

Couldn't agree more. If you want to move, do it for yourself only independent of this relationship.

[iheartsuki]

littletiger and folieadeax, thank you for your replies and advice. it's very good advice that i will probably take.

 

my only concern with moving up there "for myself" is that i worry there's some objectivity that the distance seems to provide that might get lost once i'm up there with him (but for myself). i wish i was mentally stronger than that, but realistically, i know i'm not.

 

on the flip side....i sometimes feel that the distance creates problems where there wouldn't be any and magnifies existing, but normally manageable issues. and...once up there....those problems won't seem quite as hopeless. i really don't know which one it is (maybe a little of both?) and i suppose there's only one way to find out, but sometimes i really wonder if it's worth the risk of NOT knowing...

 

we did talk again and he said that he was sorry. he said he would be willing to move here temporarily if get too homesick (since i would have moved up there "temporarily" for him...). not really sure how i feel about that...but he did also say that we don't have to live where he's from only. he listed a bunch of places he would be interested in living and said he wants us to both agree on a place. so i do feel a lot better about that....and really hope that he's not telling me this to keep me happy in the moment.

 

also, i agree with what everyone has said about him being controlling. i told him how i feel about this too. he apologized...though i'm not sure he's sorry b/c he sees it now and truly understands its effects....or is just sorry THAT i feel that way (i only question this because he has made that distinction himself before).

 

so i really don't know what to think at this point. i'm not sure if controlling behavior is something that can change at all, even after the person is made aware. i don't think that he has malicious intentions, but i do think that he's VERY headstrong and VERY reluctant to accept "failure" on his part. i also think he's very comfortable/set in his ways too (think stubborn old man). ugh. sometimes it's cute...the rest of the time.....not cute.

 

but anyway....thank you again for all the advice! it's very much appreciated!

[Romance]

I'd be angry he was expecting ME to move and not considering himself moving because he'd miss his family and where he came from. You're sacrificing so much and he doesn't seem to care. The only "fair" thing to do seems to be to both move to an entirely different state and BOTH start over new.