Where to go from here? (No Contact question)

[ThEnigma]

Hi, I'm new to the forum but you all seem to be genuinely caring people so I'm hoping you can help me make sense of my situation...

 

My gf (well, ex) broke up with me a few days ago. She said she still cares about me and thinks we can still be friends, but right now she needs space. She even said there's a chance we could get back together in the future just "not right now." () Of course, I told her how much I love her and how I can change and make things go back to the way they were... etc... all THAT stuff. Over the next couple of days we would text every now and then, mostly she would ignore me, and I began to realize that all of this would make me look needy and weak and push her away. But of course, I still sent a text saying "I'll stop annoying you and give you the space you want.." I got no reply.

 

 

This next part gets really specific and I will TRY not to make it a wall of text, but...

 

Two days ago my little sister messages her on Facebook saying that she wants her videogame returned (gf had borrowed it). The next day my ex calls me and says she found the game and wants to bring it to my house. I agree and wait for her to show up but after 45 minutes, nothing (she lives 10 minutes away). She calls me again and says she ran out of gas on the way to the gas station near her and she can't get ahold of anybody else to help her. She says she feels bad for asking me to come help her after what she's putting me through. I figured it would be a d*** move to leave her there (plus I care ) so I grab the gallon of gas I keep in the garage and head over. She was very upset and embarrassed when I got there but I calmed her down and got her car started. She gave me the game and a long goodbye hug and we parted ways.

 

That night she calls me twice back to back. I didn't answer but gave in after about 20 minutes and called her back. No answer. Ten minutes later she calls back to tell me she was calling to get a mutual friend's phone number, but she got it from someone else in the meantime. I replied nicely, "Oh ok... bye" (i was tired and i'm sure i sounded like it) and she stumbles a bit and replies "oh..goodnight" she seemed surprised that I wasn't falling over myself to talk to like I was just days before.

 

 

 

Now... I've decided that No Contact is the best way for me to either get her back or get over her. My questions are: Now that I've acknowledged the fact that she needs space (albeit through a needy sounding text..) Do I just give her the space? and move on/wait for her to contact me? Or did my emotional text/gas situation/phone call ruin it already?

 

For now my "plan" is simply to not contact her...

 

I hope somebody can even make sense of this post I tried not to ramble too much.

[AmysHeart]

Hi, I'm new to the forum but you all seem to be genuinely caring people so I'm hoping you can help me make sense of my situation...

 

My gf (well, ex) broke up with me a few days ago. She said she still cares about me and thinks we can still be friends, but right now she needs space. She even said there's a chance we could get back together in the future just "not right now." () Of course, I told her how much I love her and how I can change and make things go back to the way they were... etc... all THAT stuff. Over the next couple of days we would text every now and then, mostly she would ignore me, and I began to realize that all of this would make me look needy and weak and push her away. But of course, I still sent a text saying "I'll stop annoying you and give you the space you want.." I got no reply.

 

 

This next part gets really specific and I will TRY not to make it a wall of text, but...

 

Two days ago my little sister messages her on Facebook saying that she wants her videogame returned (gf had borrowed it). The next day my ex calls me and says she found the game and wants to bring it to my house. I agree and wait for her to show up but after 45 minutes, nothing (she lives 10 minutes away). She calls me again and says she ran out of gas on the way to the gas station near her and she can't get ahold of anybody else to help her. She says she feels bad for asking me to come help her after what she's putting me through. I figured it would be a d*** move to leave her there (plus I care ) so I grab the gallon of gas I keep in the garage and head over. She was very upset and embarrassed when I got there but I calmed her down and got her car started. She gave me the game and a long goodbye hug and we parted ways.

 

That night she calls me twice back to back. I didn't answer but gave in after about 20 minutes and called her back. No answer. Ten minutes later she calls back to tell me she was calling to get a mutual friend's phone number, but she got it from someone else in the meantime. I replied nicely, "Oh ok... bye" (i was tired and i'm sure i sounded like it) and she stumbles a bit and replies "oh..goodnight" she seemed surprised that I wasn't falling over myself to talk to like I was just days before.

 

 

 

Now... I've decided that No Contact is the best way for me to either get her back or get over her. My questions are: Now that I've acknowledged the fact that she needs space (albeit through a needy sounding text..) Do I just give her the space? and move on/wait for her to contact me? Or did my emotional text/gas situation/phone call ruin it already?

 

For now my "plan" is simply to not contact her...

 

I hope somebody can even make sense of this post I tried not to ramble too much.

 

My... My... How ALL of us here OVER~analyze....I feel your pain. I hear your pain. I am going through having been the one to break up with him- only in the hope that he will truly realize how he has abused me. And if he does not- then at least I won't get abused anymore....

 

I say- you have done NOTHING that ruins anything. Stick to the NC and abide by it religiously. Even if she runs out of gas again- let her know what it is like to NOT have YOU to rely upon.

 

Seriously... No matter what happens- as much as you may hate it- you don't want to turn into "Johnny on the Spot- Guy/ Friend Zone" ( all women have a Johnny on the Spot guy and it is typically an ex boyfriend.)

 

Instead you want to be the man she wonders about and thinks about and wonders if you are thinking about her the same. Do NC UNTIL 1.) She declares- and I MEAN DECLARES that she wants you back with a commitment OR 2.) Until you are OVER her. Either way- you win.

 

I am only on day 3 of NC. However, the guy I am on 3 days NC with- well, I once forced myself to suffer through 364 days of NC with him. I thought about him each moment every day. We did really well these past six months back together- however, he resorted to some abuses again- so it is~ that I am back on NC.

 

Hang in there. You are doing very well. It is a good start. Of course, look at me- I am not the best to give advice. However, I know lots of people here are VERY WISE about these things- and they will tell you to stick to the NC. Right now this is about you taking care of you. Not her. Talking to her and hearing her voice is a short lived band aid- and only hurts you worse if she won't be committed to you.

 

Take Care and Hang In There....

[xinchao123]

You shouldn't wait for her.

Keep getting miserable, it will feel better, but try to make it short.

No Contact is the way to go man it's time you met new girls

[ThEnigma]

Thanks for the replies, I know I'm overthinking everything. I tend to do that... It's like I'm trying to get control of an issue I really have no control over

 

All I can do is control my emotions and I feel like I've been getting better at that in the last few days

[Lost Fish]

Hey ThEnigma,

 

First off - welcome to LS! I seriously wish this site existed back when I was 15 and absolutely clueless about relationships, as I know I've made about every mistake in the book - and a site like this could have possibly saved the relationship I had with my college sweetheart who on some level I know is that "one that got away" (alas - she's married with a kid now, but I will always have a soft spot in my heart for her).

 

OK - now to you:

 

You have done nothing wrong man. It sounds like you said everything you could and while you may have become a little needy / undesirable post the initial break, it really isn't that big a deal. You sent the texts you did because your heart had to know for sure. Her extremely cold lack of a reply should be enough to sort of set your heart and mind straight that, for right now at least, it is over.

 

So yes - immediately go NC.

 

I really question the whole "oops I ran out of gas" scenario. How convenient for her to see if she still has you wrapped around her finger. Although it is a bit extreme, it was sort of a slap in your face to let her essentially use you as her go-fer.

 

I won't lie man, the first week or so of NC is ROUGH. Take it one day at a time. One hour at a time if need be. Change her name in your phone to "DO NOT ANSWER" if you have to. Box up all pictures and mementos of the relationship and put them away somewhere out of sight.

 

Xinchao123 is right in that you need to let yourself grieve the relationship. Really tell yourself it is over and let your mind go to that dark place of really feeling through the emotions of what life will be like without her. It sounds dark and depressing - and it is, but once you do this exercise you will start to find your greatest assets - which will be acceptance and hope.

 

You should defriend/block her on facebook and all other social media - and really avoid all social media in general for at least a week or two as it is far too tempting to go to her page and see what's going on in her life. But guess what - it doesn't matter what's going on in her life. It doesn't matter if she left you for a homeless man, Brad Pitt, or decided to become a nun. Her life is inconsequential to your healing right now.

 

Be very careful about when she breaks NC to more-or-less check in with you. All women seem to do this post-breakup - especially if you did nothing wrong. It's sort of a way of validating their own guilt - you not hating her will prove to her that she's not a bad person (which she feels like in her own mind). Do not accept anything less than a full 100% attempt on her side to reconcile. Preferably in person.

 

Also start getting the thought into your mind that this relationship is OVER. DON'T slip into the process of regret or "waiting" as this will only hold you back and bring you more misery.

 

Get healthy, reconnect with the guy you were before the relationship altogether. What did you do for fun? What made you happy? Chill with your friends - and if you have female friends definitely chill with them as they can offer fantastic sympathy and insight - and women generally love talking about relationship issues.

 

Exercise and rebuild your own self-confidence and know that no matter what happens with this ex-chick - you will be fine!

 

Peace and strength brother. Glad you found us.

Edited September 17, 2010 by Lost Fish

[ThEnigma]

Thanks Lost Fish, your reply was really helpful. In my original post I meant to say that she broke up with me about a week ago, and only in the last few days have I been thinking rationally after reaching the point of "acceptance and hope" as you put it. Trust me I went through that dark place... I lost 10 pounds from barely eating, was constantly dehydrated from crying... I was basically a mess. I still wouldn't say I'm completely out of the dark, I'm just able to calm myself now.

 

I've also been trying to go out more with my friends, even if I have to force myself, I always feel a little better from it.

 

Take tonight for example, I was out with some friends and she called... My heart immediately skipped a beat of course, but I didn't answer. To my surprise, she called again a few minutes later. This time it was harder.. but I put the phone down and kept talking to my friends. A little while later she text me "I'm sorry I called" I didn't know what to make of it, and didn't reply.

 

So.. I managed to get some kind of reaction from her by not contacting her.. this is good?

Edited September 17, 2010 by ThEnigma

[xinchao123]

She is feeling guilty about dumping you that's all. She is missing you of course after all you been thru together. But on the other hand face the reality she dumped you. To be honest, I don't know why she is still keeping you in her heart, saying goodbye to you while you two are living so close together . From the bottom of my heart, I sincerely suggest you not to take this relationship too seriously.

 

Buddy. YOU HAVE TO BE A REALLY BAD ASS especially this time. Ignore her.

Life is too short for both of you to come back to each other. You're a wonderful person, and she screwed it, she doesn't deserve you. Keep thinking like that although it might not ultimately be. I find it work well for me.

 

If you find yourself in the dark space again, your stomach is 100 lbs heavy, look at yourself in the mirror. You are the best. You are number 1. You bring joy and happiness to yourself, that girl just brings nothing but miseries. For men, career is likely the biggest target, so you must study well, work hard and achieve what you've always wanted man. Keep thinking like that and you'll overcome those dark heavy moments.

 

I am being so bully aint I . Don't pay attention to whatever she promise, that's what girls do they promise then they forget it. The excuse is always "well, I've been thinking maturely, i've been thinking realistically" Whatever....Time will tell man but first you gonna have to gain some weight, get a new hair cut, dress well and go out a lot take Good care of yourself.

 

my post is really a mess but that's what I think you should do.

Be strong man be strong

[ThEnigma]

Thanks xinchao,

 

She called me today and I answered (UGH!!! ) but I think I still made the best of it.

 

I was calm and acted pretty neutral to her call. She asked me I could give her a ride home from the train (the nerve she has to ask..). I told her I couldn't. She seemed to get mad and started asking me why not. I told her that I was just on my way out the door when she called and I would have to let her go.

 

I'm going to continue with no contact and see where it goes...

[Lost Fish]

Dude, stop taking her calls! She is USING you.

 

She is trying to prove to herself that she isn't a bad person for dumping you - everytime you even talk to her right now she feels that much better about everything but also subconsciously loses that much more respect for you.

 

I'd even put my foot down now and tell her she is behaving selfishly and to please leave me alone.

 

You deserve better man. Start believing it too. And don't let her trying to guilt you for saying NO to her even phase you one bit.

 

She can't shove you out of her life and then expect you to do ANYTHING.

 

Grow a spine and get pissed man, because in this case it is healthy!

[ThEnigma]

Ok guys I'm really proud of myself now....

 

A few hours after the "phone incident" she text me "Thanks for the consideration" obviously to try to get a rise out of me. I didn't budge, I didn't reply. About an hour later she texts again "so I guess being friends is out of the question"

 

I finally decided to bite the bullet and replied "I just need some space right now to clear my head" She replied almost instantly, "ok i apologize"

 

Now NC is on my terms... I know it will be a test of my patience and willpower, but right now I'm just glad I had the balls to do it.

 

I'll update this thread or make a new one if and when anything happens.. but for now I'm on my way to the gym for the first time in months

[lunita]

Holy crow she seems needy and immature. I loved it when you said the exact same thing she told you. You are doing good. I think it's best to try and stay as neutral as possible. So not going out of your way to be a jerk, but not going out of your way to help either. It's unfair of her to dump you and expect you to come to her rescue all the time. She needs to figure it out and yes, that means more time. Enjoy the gym my dear. You've got your head on straight.

[Lost Fish]

She will break the NC again. And again and again.

 

You have to go totally NC.

 

I wouldn't have even sent her that text as now she will wait a few days or a week or two and ask if you've had enough space.

 

Maybe in this particular case I would tell her "Please respect my need to try to move forward and do no contact me anymore unless you want to talk about reconciliation."

 

Glad you're getting out to the gym! Don't overdo it at first! lol

 

Enjoy the endorphin rush and doing something good for you.

[Leandro]

Go No Contact with her.

 

Move on and meet new girls!

 

If she wants you back she will tell you!