Emotions

[Star_Bright]

I feel so angry. At myself and him. How could I have let myself be with someone who wasn't everything I wanted?

 

I feel so lonely. What if I never find someone else?

 

I feel really confused about how my deepest connection could have been with someone who is married to someone else. What does that say about me?

 

I just wanted to get this out there. I feel really sad. On the other hand I feel proud because I just started a new job and they really like my work. I used to work for MM. I never put that out there because it's embarrassing. But, I'm anonymous and I'm confused, so, there it is. I feel like the happier I get without him, the sadder I get without him, and vice versa. I don't even think that makes sense but it's how I feel.

 

Thanks for listening, forum. I think I need to just vent.

[BB07]

Big hugs Star Bright and I'm sorry that you are in pain.

 

Time is your friend and it sounds like you've took some measures (new job) that will enable you to get to a better place.

 

Take care!

[Star_Bright]

Thanks, BB.

 

I just really feel like talking to him so I figure it's better to write down my thoughts on here!

 

I really don't understand myself. I would like to go talk to someone professional but my new insurance doesn't start for a month and a half. So. Here I am!!

[TigerCub]

Sorry you're sad Star Bright.

But You should be very proud of yourself for moving on and getting a new job and being good at it.

 

Don't take away the great accomplishments you've made.

 

As far as this goes:

 

I feel really confused about how my deepest connection could have been with someone who is married to someone else. What does that say about me?

 

It doesn't say anything bad about you.

You like who you like and if you guys did connect and it was profound, there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes time/circumstances can't be helped, but you were able to open up, care for and connect with someone, it just didn't work out the way you ideally wanted.

 

That's ok.

 

Keep going on the path you're on now, you will be much happier in time.

Good luck

[Star_Bright]

Thanks for the encouragement, TigerCub.

 

I ruined my job and nearly my career being with him. It makes me feel really stupid. I am a smart woman and I don't know I let myself do this!

 

Sometimes I feel really strong and other times really weak. It helps that I got this job all on my own through my own work reputation and connections. It helps that they are happy to have me and that I'm busy with work and doing really well at it I think. I guess just having a life outside of him really helps.

 

But then I get sad and miss him and get mad at him, and myself... it's all very confusing.

 

I joined a writing class just for fun and there's a guy in it who likes me. I want to stay single for awhile and be happy on my own. But I have to admit it makes me feel good to know there's the potential for love outside of MM, and now whenever I do want to go on a date, I don't have to worry about MM flipping out. I can actually have a normal life. It feels kinda weird, ha ha. But I know I deserve it!

 

I just keep telling myself that I am going to be happy on my own and when I have my life and emotions in the place where I want them, I will find the best single guy ever!! And if I don't find him I will just go on being single because I will like that too.

 

I'm trying to be nice to myself while still learning from this pain. Instead of beating myself up and thinking my life is over.

[lilbunny]

I feel so angry. At myself and him. How could I have let myself be with someone who wasn't everything I wanted?

 

I feel so lonely. What if I never find someone else?

 

I feel really confused about how my deepest connection could have been with someone who is married to someone else. What does that say about me?

 

I just wanted to get this out there. I feel really sad. On the other hand I feel proud because I just started a new job and they really like my work. I used to work for MM. I never put that out there because it's embarrassing. But, I'm anonymous and I'm confused, so, there it is. I feel like the happier I get without him, the sadder I get without him, and vice versa. I don't even think that makes sense but it's how I feel.

 

Thanks for listening, forum. I think I need to just vent.

 

It makes sense to me Star Bright. I lunge through the whole range in the course of a day- angry, sad, confused, it is getting better, it is getting worse. I am trying to think of these huge highs and lows as a very, very good reason to be getting off the rollercoaster for good.

[bohogirl]

I'm rooting for you.

 

You are LUCKY that you wised up and got out in time to make a new start. There are many BS and OW who are stuck because a MM (that does not deserve either of them) plays with their emotions and tells them lies.

[TigerCub]

Thanks for the encouragement, TigerCub.

 

I ruined my job and nearly my career being with him. It makes me feel really stupid. I am a smart woman and I don't know I let myself do this!

 

Well no need to feel stupid, you obviously didn't ruin your career because you're doing so well in a much MORE HEALTHY work environment.

Honestly, it says a lot about how smart you are!

You were smart enough to find a better job and do well in it.

Good for you!!!

 

Sometimes I feel really strong and other times really weak. It helps that I got this job all on my own through my own work reputation and connections. It helps that they are happy to have me and that I'm busy with work and doing really well at it I think. I guess just having a life outside of him really helps.

 

But then I get sad and miss him and get mad at him, and myself... it's all very confusing.

 

Although the change in emotions/attitude seems really confusing, I completely understand what you're going through.

 

It's hard to just move on from someone you love. But you need to do what's best for you and you're doing the right thing.

 

It's ok to feel sad and miss him, you need to feel those emotions to deal with them.

 

It's also great (I'm finding) to think of all the things that made the relationship not work - ie. ways he's hurt you or made you feel bad. Keeping those things in mind helps you concentrate on your new path.

 

I joined a writing class just for fun and there's a guy in it who likes me. I want to stay single for awhile and be happy on my own. But I have to admit it makes me feel good to know there's the potential for love outside of MM, and now whenever I do want to go on a date, I don't have to worry about MM flipping out. I can actually have a normal life. It feels kinda weird, ha ha. But I know I deserve it!

 

See?!! You're a hottie that's desirable to others - life doesn't end with the ending of the R with MM.

 

Its definitely great to see that there is potential out there, and that you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself for now.

 

You sure do deserve it!

 

Also having new interests will help you keep busy and open up the opportunities for you to meet others (as you're already noticing). I personally find writing an amazing outlet for all the buried feelings. Good luck with that.

 

I just keep telling myself that I am going to be happy on my own and when I have my life and emotions in the place where I want them, I will find the best single guy ever!! And if I don't find him I will just go on being single because I will like that too.

 

I'm trying to be nice to myself while still learning from this pain. Instead of beating myself up and thinking my life is over.

 

 

You have an amazing attitude. I'm really impressed by it. It's a wonderful thing to think positive and be kind to yourself (we don't all do that) - but we need to.

 

You really are on a wonderful new path filled with great possibilities.

 

You're not just gonna be fine - you're already amazing, strong and very capable - and according to Mr. Writer friend - a hottie too

[TigerCub]

It makes sense to me Star Bright. I lunge through the whole range in the course of a day- angry, sad, confused, it is getting better, it is getting worse. I am trying to think of these huge highs and lows as a very, very good reason to be getting off the rollercoaster for good.

 

Stay strong lilbunny! - the highs/lows do suck, but I got yo back

[Star_Bright]

Thanks for the confidence boost, TigerCub.

 

I -know- rationally that I am smart, ambitious, attractive, competent, and deserve a real relationship. But for so long I didn't feel it I guess, or I felt it superficially. Like, being with exMM made me feel super sexy. But what is sexy about being my much older boss's mistress, and practically right under his wife's nose at that?? It's actually quite disgusting. So I start to feel disgusted with myself and I have to stay positive just to make it through. :-/

 

I love to write and pursuing that gives me a purpose. I think I was quite depressed for far too long. I just want to get happy!!!! That is truly my goal. Thank you so much for your support. If you don't mind my asking, what is your story?

[BurriedAlive]

It is awesome that you got another job... that takes a lot of courage. You took control of the situation and you must feel some power from that.

 

I find the biggest problem about being in these situations is that we can't control feelings. Unfortunately we can't control who we fall in love with... if we could, there would be no loveshack! The only thing we can control are our actions. Good for you, you took your power back.

 

How long have you been in NC? Take it from me, it does get better. When you have bad days just think that tomorrow will be better.

 

((((HUGS)))))

[Star_Bright]

Thanks, burriedalive. I wish I could say I had that control/choice. I didn't voluntarily leave my job; his W found out about us and I couldn't go back. Well, I could have, because he couldn't really fire me just because of that. So I guess I exercised some control/ dignity by not fighting/staying in the situation. But unfortunately even after that I stayed with him for awhile. Wtf is wrong with me.

 

For a little while it felt like my whole life had fallen apart and I didn't know what to do... I thought of just walking away from my career completely, which would be stupid b/c I"ve invested a lot of years and money and nothing else would pay me nearly as well. But I was just so unhappy that I thought my career was a big factor.

 

So. I feel good about deciding to get back into things. I had worked with someone at my new job and so I had an in based on my very own work reputation and connections, and I didn't have to rely on exMM or anyone else but myself. That is what helps me feel really empowered. Right away I hit the ground running and the new job is very happy to have me. it feels good to be valued at work for solely my work product (sad chuckle). I really like working for my new boss (she's the one I knew from working on a big project at my last job... The one who got me the interview for this job.)

 

NC... Well I went NC on Monday but I've had a couple slip-ups where he talked to me about supposedly lingering work stuff and belongings of his that I had... and then he'd start talking to me about how he's leaving soon and he loves and misses me blah blah blah. Said he went to see a counselor. It just messed with my head even more I think. So last night I told him not to write, call or try to see me about ANYTHING no matter what. He begrudgingly agreed and I haven't heard from him and I'm feeling much better.

 

Thanks for your support.

[BurriedAlive]

Thanks, burriedalive. I wish I could say I had that control/choice. I didn't voluntarily leave my job; his W found out about us and I couldn't go back.

Thanks for your support.

 

Even still.... I actually lost my job 3 1/2 years ago because of an A with a xMM. His W found out and that was the end of that. That whole situation is but a little tiny dot in my rearview mirror now. I have a great job now, I make a whole lot more money and I have a great future. My new company is even paying to have me take my EMBA in January. It's funny how things just work out in the long run.

 

This guy is an ass if he is still contacting you. The one thing I have learned over the years is that a MM won't leave when he is having his cake and eating it too. If he really loves you and misses you, he needs to grow a set and put his money where his mouth is. This will never happen while the A and contact is going on.

 

Keep up the good work with the NC. Don't respond to his emails or phone calls. Move on. If you are meant to be together, it will happen. This guy needs to figure out his $hit.

 

Stay strong!

[TigerCub]

Thanks for the confidence boost, TigerCub.

Happy to help

 

I -know- rationally that I am smart, ambitious, attractive, competent, and deserve a real relationship. But for so long I didn't feel it I guess, or I felt it superficially. Like, being with exMM made me feel super sexy. But what is sexy about being my much older boss's mistress, and practically right under his wife's nose at that?? It's actually quite disgusting. So I start to feel disgusted with myself and I have to stay positive just to make it through. :-/

 

I totally get what you're saying. Those MMs have a way to get us. They make us feel so beautiful, desired, and pretty much perfect.

Other than that, (in most cases - mine, I can at least speak for), there's a connection, like, WOW!!! This is the person that was made for me, and the chemistry is OFF THE CHARTS - so how can anyone really avoid falling into that?!

 

I totally understand the feeling of being disgusted with yourself about what you do (when you REALLY think about the W or GF and how OW are setteling for 2nd place) - I totally get that, and that was a huge motivation to do NC so many times.

 

I love to write and pursuing that gives me a purpose.

Then its awesome that you're getting back into it - you're doing all the right things for yourself

 

I think I was quite depressed for far too long. I just want to get happy!!!! That is truly my goal.

You deserve to be happy! Just because you made some mistakes, that you're correcting now, NEVER means that you didn't deserve to be happy. I hope you get there very soon

 

Thank you so much for your support.

It's my pleasure - I know what you're going through - I'm still going through it myself. I'm doing NC with MM and its tough, but I feel right about doing it.

 

If you don't mind my asking, what is your story?

Don't mind at all.

Short version of it (as short as I can make it) :

 

Met a guy that works in my building 1 year ago (we don't work together tho) thankfully

 

He took me out for lunch, told me he has a kid, and that he's separated with baby momma

 

I was hesitant to date him, so we would just hang out

 

We had an awesome connection, so much in common, strong attraction/chemistry.

 

New years he got back with her

 

few days later, told me that he loved me

I loved him too

 

we stayed friends, but fooled around, never slept with him

 

I kept trying NC, because I didn't want to give him the emotional stuff he was missing at home.

 

Later he finally tells me that baby momma was pregnant when they were broken up - and so she had actually given birth to their 2nd kid in January and that's pretty much why he went back around that time.

 

He kept telling me he loves me, and that he felt being with me is what he always thought love would be like, and that its a huge contrast being with her.

 

But that doesn't change anything really.

 

Kept trying NC, then going back, but couldn't find a balance. We'd fool around, I'd feel bad, (you know the drill)

 

Last straw was him acting like a jackass with me, and that was it. He's never disrespected me before that, and I didn't put up with it, and so I'm done, no more chasing after him, no more indulging our "love" / drama.

 

And that's pretty much that

[lilbunny]

Never fails to make me feel a little bit better-

 

 

Should be an anthem on this forum!

[Star_Bright]

Wow TigerCub thank you for sharing your story with me. This is a messed up thought but I feel like it helps me because you seem very smart and put together and yet you went through something very similar... in some ways better, in some ways worse... to what I did. You're right that we can't dwell on our past mistakes and we have to move forward to a better future.

 

I do know that pain of trying to stay NC and being contacted and giving in. What did you finally do to shake loose for good? Or are you still in occasional contact?

 

Thanks again, I am so glad I found this forum.

[TigerCub]

Wow TigerCub thank you for sharing your story with me. This is a messed up thought but I feel like it helps me because you seem very smart and put together and yet you went through something very similar

Thanks for the compliments

I totally know what you mean. Hearing other people's stories does help you process what's going on with yourown situation because it just means that you're not alone.

 

I don't think the majority of us ever planned on being the OW. To be honest, before I found myself in my situation, I ignorantly thought of OW as selfish people who knowingly screw with other people's relationships (and normally, I'm such a non judgemental person) but when it came to that, that's kind of what I thought, because I would think "what if I was ever cheated on?"

 

But then as I got into my mess, it wasn't like that. It started as an EA (I wasn't really aware that that is what it was) - he was separated when we met, so we connected and became close, but then he went back to her, but our connection was so deep @ that point, that although I resisted @ first - it took a turn and moved from EA to PA - but anyways...this whole thing just taught me the other side of it that I never considered - that there really were genuine emotions, there was love there before things turned physical. It's a tormenting position to be in

 

What did you finally do to shake loose for good? Or are you still in occasional contact?

 

This happened a few weeks ago. I met up with him to tell him that I actually wanted us to be friends again - that I didn't want NC.

 

He told me he missed me and that he was having a hard time getting over what we had. He said that he wanted us to be friends again, and that he's goin to email me and do all the contact stuff we did before.

 

Then he kissed me, we ended up spending time with each other @ lunch

 

We fooled around a LOT in my car before we went back to the work building, and then he emailed me that day to say thanks for a ncie day

but then he never emailed me again.

 

It was the first time he initiated NC, but it was just so insulting how he did it. I always explain why I'm doing things so that he doesn't feel like I'm casting him aside, but he didn't bother to do that, and so that really hurt me because I felt it was SOOOOOOOOOOO insulting.

And he's never done anything to disrespect me like that before.

 

Last monday we ran into each other, we talked a little but I told him how I was upset about how insulting he was

all he said was "I'm sorry I offended you"

then he turned his back and went into the building.

 

And that was certainly the end of that.

I did believe that when @ first he didn't talk to me after the car thing, it was because he wanted me to chase some more after him, but I didn't.

so when we talked last monday, he was telling me how he was thinking about me, and wanted to email me, and that's when I told him how rude/insulting he was.

 

I hate to admit it, I do love him, but he certainly crossed the line. I'v never put up with any guy treating me like crap before, and I'm certainly not gonna make an exception for him.

 

It just makes me so sad that this is how it ends. We could have tried to be friends, but what can ya do....

I'm sure its for the best in the long run, because chances are good, our "friendship" phase wouldn't have lasted and we would be repeating the A cycle again.

 

Sorry I wrote so much - just wanted to give you the details

 

Thanks again, I am so glad I found this forum.

You're very welcome

I'm glad you found this forum too, it'll be helpful to read about other experiences and gain support from people who know what it's like

[Star_Bright]

Wow, TigerCub, what he did to you was hurtful and crappy. I am so sorry about that! Maybe it will give you the resolve to keep it ended once and for all. My exMM has never treated me badly and I think I would die if he did. I get what you mean about explaining to him why you were going NC so he wouldn't think it was you casting him aside. My exMM kept asking me if I was rejecting him personally and if it meant I wasn't going to be there for him when he left his wife (he said when but I know he meant if!) So I wrote him a letter where I just poured my heart out to him. I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him but only if he was completely mine, and if he couldn't be completely mine then I didn't want to have him in my life at all because it was too painful.

 

So now he has no reason to be unclear about my terms of NC or what I would want to happen (I think he always knew why I was going NC -- he would even tell me I had to do it that way to force him to take action. I think for one thing he just needs constant reassurance of my commitment because he is afraid of being alone, and for another thing he was looking for reasons to keep contacting me in order to ask about the "terms" of the NC and what it all meant.) Now I feel like I did everything I could, I gave that relationship my all and if he doesn't want to or can't give me his all, then we just weren't meant to be.

 

With NC I'm starting to see that that might be for the best. Although he was never outright mean to me like your guy, it helps me to think about times he was disrespectful to me because I think he would be more like THAT in a real-life, long-term relationship, rather than all sweet and lovey dovey like he was when he was trying to keep me as his OW. So hopefully it might help you to think that you don't really want to be with a guy like that, anyway. My guy was very insecure and would constantly question whether I was being faithful to him. At the same time he would say he doesn't know if we are right together because of our age difference and our personalities. It started to feel really crappy to be told all the time that he was having doubts about me/us-- I mean, I just want to be with someone who KNOWS I'm right for them and that we are really great together! I'm not sure if exMM did that because he was weighing the pros and cons of leaving or he was unsure that we would work out in the long run or if he could just be hurtful sometimes and if he would always do that throughout our relationship. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but it got old. Also he would tell me all the time that I'm not his type, and he would tell me that the friends he eventually told about me had told him "She's not even your type." Previously he liked tall, skinny women like his wife and I am short and curvy and athletic. He would tell me that his type had changed and that now he found himself looking at girls who look like my body type and wanting that and not liking skinny girls anymore. So I think sometimes he would mean it as a compliment but as I was trying to go NC and he was more seriously weighing his options I guess, he would continually say I wasn't his type and everyone thinks his wife is beautiful but he doesn't have the intellectual connection with her that he does with me, etc. Maybe I am too sensitive but it felt sometimes like he was comparing our looks or saying he wasn't happy with my body or something. So now when guys ask me out it feels good to know that I am THEIR type even though I don't want to date them yet. I'm not trying to brag but everyone thinks I'm pretty and I think I'm pretty too, so I don't know why I would start to feel inadequate when exMM would talk about me not being his type, but that is a big reason I'm glad we're not together. It started to feel like, well then go be with your type then since I'm not it and I am other guys' type! And he would tell me a lot that I wouldn't fit in with the cougar milfs at his country club and they would wonder why he was with me. He said they really care about keeping up their looks and they work out all day every day and they wouldn't like me and he worries about that. Yet in the beginning he would always tell me he loves how real and natural I am and not fake like a lot of women. So I guess he just wanted me to be everything at once! One thing I am proud of is that I never changed for him. I am myself and he can take me or leave me. I don't think he liked that because he has the tendency to want his woman to fawn all over him and do everything he wants, but, too bad, I wasn't going to change.

 

And one time he said something that really made me worry. He thought the shorts I wore to an outdoor festival in the sweltering summer heat were too short and he said that if we were together and if I had had his child then he wouldn't let me wear them because I would really be his and that would be disrespectful to him. I got really angry at that and told him that would be controlling and he's not allowed to tell me what to wear, ever. Even if I wore cute strappy shoes he would make a comment like, aren't they quite sexy for just shopping at the grocery store, like I was really actually out there looking for sex in Aisle 5 with my cute new shoes. Errrrrr that would make me mad. He would make me feel slutty when really I think I am quite classy, I have a post-grad degree and a good career and in the beginning he would always tell me I look so innocent yet he brings out my dark side. He would even suggest that I wear more revealing clothes when I worked for him... yet NOW that we were together he was worried I looked too slutty I guess?? Meanwhile he ALWAYS looks women up and down and likes when they wear low cut blouses and such, so the double standard just sickened me after awhile.

 

Well, now that I laid those faults out there, NC feels a bit easier. Now it's my turn to apologize for writing so much (I liked everything you wrote and had no problem with its length BTW) but it just helps to get this all out there. Have a good weekend and please keep talking to me because I need the support.

[TigerCub]

Wow, TigerCub, what he did to you was hurtful and crappy. I am so sorry about that! Maybe it will give you the resolve to keep it ended once and for all.

Thanks And it definately gave me the strength I need o never contact him again. It was just so hurtful and insulting, and I may forgive someone being mean by acident, but never someone being so disrespectful and treating me like crap.

 

My exMM has never treated me badly and I think I would die if he did. I get what you mean about explaining to him why you were going NC so he wouldn't think it was you casting him aside. My exMM kept asking me if I was rejecting him personally and if it meant I wasn't going to be there for him when he left his wife (he said when but I know he meant if!) So I wrote him a letter where I just poured my heart out to him. I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him but only if he was completely mine, and if he couldn't be completely mine then I didn't want to have him in my life at all because it was too painful.

 

See?!! We women are too thoughtful and considerate to these men sometimes, we make sure that they know they're loved but that we need to figure things out, but unfortuantely sometimes they can't be bothered to do the same with us.

 

Now I feel like I did everything I could, I gave that relationship my all and if he doesn't want to or can't give me his all, then we just weren't meant to be.

I think that's all you need at the end of the day - to know that you gave it a genuine effort, you treated him well, and that if its really meant to be, maybe the timing/circumstance will work out....

There's really nothing more you can do

 

With NC I'm starting to see that that might be for the best. Although he was never outright mean to me like your guy, it helps me to think about times he was disrespectful to me because I think he would be more like THAT in a real-life, long-term relationship, rather than all sweet and lovey dovey like he was when he was trying to keep me as his OW.

I do find that NC is good for reflecting and thinking about the timeline and actions / promises / lies, etc...

 

I'm not going to lie, there definitely are times where I get caught up in the happy memories, but then I remind myself of the bad stuff and all the reasons I wanted NC over the whole time period.

 

I'm glad that you're reflecting and being objective about what went down and how things REALLY would be like with him in a real full time relationship - and yeah...its probably not as good as it looks with the Affair Haze.

 

 

My guy was very insecure and would constantly question whether I was being faithful to him. At the same time he would say he doesn't know if we are right together because of our age difference and our personalities. It started to feel really crappy to be told all the time that he was having doubts about me/us-- I mean, I just want to be with someone who KNOWS I'm right for them and that we are really great together! I'm not sure if exMM did that because he was weighing the pros and cons of leaving or he was unsure that we would work out in the long run or if he could just be hurtful sometimes and if he would always do that throughout our relationship. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but it got old. Also he would tell me all the time that I'm not his type, and he would tell me that the friends he eventually told about me had told him "She's not even your type." Previously he liked tall, skinny women like his wife and I am short and curvy and athletic. He would tell me that his type had changed and that now he found himself looking at girls who look like my body type and wanting that and not liking skinny girls anymore. So I think sometimes he would mean it as a compliment but as I was trying to go NC and he was more seriously weighing his options I guess, he would continually say I wasn't his type and everyone thinks his wife is beautiful but he doesn't have the intellectual connection with her that he does with me, etc. Maybe I am too sensitive but it felt sometimes like he was comparing our looks or saying he wasn't happy with my body or something. So now when guys ask me out it feels good to know that I am THEIR type even though I don't want to date them yet. I'm not trying to brag but everyone thinks I'm pretty and I think I'm pretty too, so I don't know why I would start to feel inadequate when exMM would talk about me not being his type, but that is a big reason I'm glad we're not together. It started to feel like, well then go be with your type then since I'm not it and I am other guys' type! And he would tell me a lot that I wouldn't fit in with the cougar milfs at his country club and they would wonder why he was with me. He said they really care about keeping up their looks and they work out all day every day and they wouldn't like me and he worries about that. Yet in the beginning he would always tell me he loves how real and natural I am and not fake like a lot of women. So I guess he just wanted me to be everything at once! One thing I am proud of is that I never changed for him. I am myself and he can take me or leave me. I don't think he liked that because he has the tendency to want his woman to fawn all over him and do everything he wants, but, too bad, I wasn't going to change.

 

And one time he said something that really made me worry. He thought the shorts I wore to an outdoor festival in the sweltering summer heat were too short and he said that if we were together and if I had had his child then he wouldn't let me wear them because I would really be his and that would be disrespectful to him. I got really angry at that and told him that would be controlling and he's not allowed to tell me what to wear, ever. Even if I wore cute strappy shoes he would make a comment like, aren't they quite sexy for just shopping at the grocery store, like I was really actually out there looking for sex in Aisle 5 with my cute new shoes. Errrrrr that would make me mad. He would make me feel slutty when really I think I am quite classy, I have a post-grad degree and a good career and in the beginning he would always tell me I look so innocent yet he brings out my dark side. He would even suggest that I wear more revealing clothes when I worked for him... yet NOW that we were together he was worried I looked too slutty I guess?? Meanwhile he ALWAYS looks women up and down and likes when they wear low cut blouses and such, so the double standard just sickened me after awhile.

.

Hun, read the bolded stuff. You mentioned up top that your exMM wasn't as mean as the guy I had to deal with. I think yours was waaaay meaner.

This guy is insecure and although he wants you around, he still tries to break you down and make you feel like you weren't good enough because him and his douchy friends don't think you're "his type"!!!

Please...why the hell was he chasing after you? He's a loser, count yourself lucky that you're trying to get rid of him for good.

 

That whole trying to control what you wear and make you feel slutty is typical of people that are so insecure and filled with their own self hate. I really hate how he was trying to break you down and make you feel bad.

 

Honestly hon, after reading this, I'm sooooo glad for you that you're done with him and moving on.

You dont need some jackass like that in your life.

 

Well, now that I laid those faults out there, NC feels a bit easier. Now it's my turn to apologize for writing so much (I liked everything you wrote and had no problem with its length BTW) but it just helps to get this all out there. Have a good weekend and please keep talking to me because I need the support.

 

haha, yeah thinking of all the crap they do, certainly makes NC easier. I have a list of things my guy has done up on the wall, so that if I ever get lost in my "aaawww, I miss him" modes, I'll just look at it & be like "oh yeaaah!!! F*ck him!!"

 

You have an awesome weekend too, and I'll definitely keep chatting with you. I enjoy it, and I think its theraputic for us both

[Star_Bright]

 

Hun, read the bolded stuff. You mentioned up top that your exMM wasn't as mean as the guy I had to deal with. I think yours was waaaay meaner.

This guy is insecure and although he wants you around, he still tries to break you down and make you feel like you weren't good enough because him and his douchy friends don't think you're "his type"!!!

Please...why the hell was he chasing after you? He's a loser, count yourself lucky that you're trying to get rid of him for good.

 

That whole trying to control what you wear and make you feel slutty is typical of people that are so insecure and filled with their own self hate. I really hate how he was trying to break you down and make you feel bad.

 

Honestly hon, after reading this, I'm sooooo glad for you that you're done with him and moving on.

You dont need some jackass like that in your life.

 

Everything you said really helped me but especially this part. I didn't like how he treated me in those regards and I did tell him how I felt several times. But I guess like you said it is just something inside of him -- his insecurity -- that he can't change. And I just want to be with someone who thinks I'm totally awesome all the time. I think exMM is mostly all about exMM.

 

This is just so hard. I didn't hear from him at all yesterday and it was hard but I felt strong. Then today he called me for a legitimate business purpose and I didn't want to talk to him. But he texted me many times to please call him about the business question. It sucks because since I used to work for him and I left in such a rush after his wife found out about us, there are certain things I sometimes need from him--forms and information for work--and certain things he sometimes needs from me--information on projects and details about where I'd left certain things--and I have a hard time telling myself I WILL NOT TALK TO HIM FOR ANY REASON EVEN IF IT SEEMS VERY IMPORTANT AND BUSINESS-RELATED. I think that's what I'm going to have to do though because once I called him and we discussed the business issue which took all of one minute, he started asking me about my new job and what I'd done this weekend etc. Errrrrrr! It felt nice to be talking to him again and I have this problem where I just open up and tell him everything without even trying. My phone died and I think that was a blessing in disguise because after that my friend and her boyfriend showed up to take me to lunch and I was so very sad and mad at myself for having talked to exMM. I am feeling all the same feelings all over again and I feel like I have to start back at square one all over again. I wish I hadn't talked to him about my new job because that is something that is ALL MINE and that I'm proud of and it's one of the things that gave me the strength to just cut him off completely. He was also asking me about one of my male co-workers suspiciously and that just makes me feel like crap. Like he thinks I am going to just start being with someone else at work like I was with him at work. I really think he must hate me sometimes or have a really low opinion of me even though he would always say he loves me and wants to be with me.

 

This is just so crappy and I am sad. :( And mad at myself for giving into him!

[TigerCub]

and I have a hard time telling myself I WILL NOT TALK TO HIM FOR ANY REASON EVEN IF IT SEEMS VERY IMPORTANT AND BUSINESS-RELATED. I think that's what I'm going to have to do though because once I called him and we discussed the business issue which took all of one minute, he started asking me about my new job and what I'd done this weekend etc. Errrrrrr! It felt nice to be talking to him again and I have this problem where I just open up and tell him everything without even trying.

 

I know what its like to just be able to open up and talk to them and its hard not to do that sometimes.

 

You can't expect to break a pattern overnight Star!

Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

But if it makes you feel so bad after, then next time, just cut the convo short. You have to practice!!!

If you guys must do the business call for a lil while, fine, keep it on business and then just cut it short, say you have to go, and that's that.

 

Besides, honestly, how many more business related calls can he make now? If you've already left and he needs a few questions answered work related, that's only going to be for a short while.

 

If he calls you up about business stuff in a month or so, just tell him you don't remember and you have to go then *CLICK* and he'll have to deal with it on his own.

 

I wish I hadn't talked to him about my new job because that is something that is ALL MINE and that I'm proud of and it's one of the things that gave me the strength to just cut him off completely.

That's good!

you're learning and you should be proud of yourself.

You just need more practice cutting him off - you'll get there

 

He was also asking me about one of my male co-workers suspiciously and that just makes me feel like crap. Like he thinks I am going to just start being with someone else at work like I was with him at work.

 

I really think he must hate me sometimes or have a really low opinion of me even though he would always say he loves me and wants to be with me.

I can't speak for him, but from what you said about him earlier he seems like the extremely jealous type - I'm guessing the question was more about trying to find out if you're seeing anyone - not as an implication that you're getting involved @ work again - I think he just wants to know if you're moving on.

 

This is just so crappy and I am sad. :( And mad at myself for giving into him!

 

Try not to dwell on it sweetie.

You hace good friends that you're spending time with, you have a great new job that you're doing awesome in, you got your writing going again, and you're not tied down to anyone like he is.

Most of all, you have the knowledge of how strong you are, you accomplished all these things on YOUR OWN. Give yourself some credit.

 

Also, you say that you're mad for giving into him. It's not like you screwed the guy again, you just talked on the phone after some business related questions. Its not the end of the world, but you do need to practice cutting the convos short with him. Don't feed his curiousity about your life - he's no longer a part of it, and what goes on in your world is none of his business.

[Star_Bright]

 

Besides, honestly, how many more business related calls can he make now? If you've already left and he needs a few questions answered work related, that's only going to be for a short while.

 

If he calls you up about business stuff in a month or so, just tell him you don't remember and you have to go then *CLICK* and he'll have to deal with it on his own.

 

That's a good point. I think he'll just find reasons to "need" to talk to me about business-related things that aren't really that necessary. I've gone out of my way to avoid having to talk to him about this kind of stuff- like asking someone else in the office or just finding out a way to deal with it on my own. So he should do the same. Instead he LOOKS for reasons to contact me and if I give in he will keep finding other reasons. He just wants to see if he can get me to talk to him and whether that will lead to more. I know this is what he wants. It makes me mad.

 

I can't speak for him, but from what you said about him earlier he seems like the extremely jealous type - I'm guessing the question was more about trying to find out if you're seeing anyone - not as an implication that you're getting involved @ work again - I think he just wants to know if you're moving on.

 

Also true. He wants to see if I'm still here for him. Sometimes I think NC is such a catch-22 because he wants to talk to me to see if things have changed and if I'm really here wanting to be with him. In the meantime I'm thinking things over and feeling like, well, maybe I'm better off without him, maybe I SHOULD move on. And I can't tell him I've been thinking that and he wonders if I've been thinking that... it's all a big mess. Really I guess that if he wanted me he had his chance or he'd better move fast because it's not fair or realistic to expect me to sit around hoping for him to make up his mind and be with me. I know he knows that I'm going to get sick of it and really move on, and this is why he tries to keep tabs on my current status. Sadly when I talk to him I'm like, man, I love him and miss him, so I bet he senses that instead of my strength and resolve. Although the other day he told me I seem "different", more cold and reserved, and I said it's because I don't want to talk to him and I am trying to accept that at least right now we're not together the way I want and to move on which is all I can do if he doesn't make any changes.

 

 

Thanks for the encouraging words. I DO have a lot going for me and he is still stuck in his same rut. And I get what you mean about not feeding his curiosity. This is exactly how I felt after my phone died during our conversation. I was like how dare he want to know what's going on with me when he isn't being with me the way I want and the way he says I deserve?? That is just unfair of him! I need to keep living my life without him in it at all unless he can be all the way there.

[TigerCub]

That's a good point. I think he'll just find reasons to "need" to talk to me about business-related things that aren't really that necessary. I've gone out of my way to avoid having to talk to him about this kind of stuff- like asking someone else in the office or just finding out a way to deal with it on my own. So he should do the same. Instead he LOOKS for reasons to contact me and if I give in he will keep finding other reasons. He just wants to see if he can get me to talk to him and whether that will lead to more. I know this is what he wants. It makes me mad.

 

Don't get mad. It doesn't matter what he wants to do, or what he tries to do, or even what he needs - those things are his problem not yours.

If he keeps trying to find ways to talk to you, you just need to be strong and keep cutting him off - screw what he wants unless he's willing to give you what you want.

 

 

Also true. He wants to see if I'm still here for him. Sometimes I think NC is such a catch-22 because he wants to talk to me to see if things have changed and if I'm really here wanting to be with him. In the meantime I'm thinking things over and feeling like, well, maybe I'm better off without him, maybe I SHOULD move on. ..

I understand what you're saying about the catch 22. But also, the good thing about NC is that it allows you to think a bit more logically. When we're involved with MMs, we're more likely to go with our emotional instincts and although we logically know otherwise, we still go with our feelings - normally (in a healthy relationship) there isn't a huge conflict between the 2. but in these cases, there usually is, and NC, I find for me, helps me think logically (the feelings are still there) but the situation is seen a bit differently.

 

 

And I can't tell him I've been thinking that and he wonders if I've been thinking that... it's all a big mess. Really I guess that if he wanted me he had his chance or he'd better move fast because it's not fair or realistic to expect me to sit around hoping for him to make up his mind and be with me. I know he knows that I'm going to get sick of it and really move on, and this is why he tries to keep tabs on my current status...

 

You're right, its not fair for you to wait indefinitely, you do need to look out for you and do what's best for you, because, who else is going to?

As far as his missing you goes and his need to see his status in your life and try to keep tabs on you - that's his problem - whatever...

 

Sadly when I talk to him I'm like, man, I love him and miss him, so I bet he senses that instead of my strength and resolve.

I completely understand....that's normal I think - well as "normal" as it can be in these situations

 

Although the other day he told me I seem "different", more cold and reserved, and I said it's because I don't want to talk to him and I am trying to accept that at least right now we're not together the way I want and to move on which is all I can do if he doesn't make any changes.

Good, let him sense it - he needs to realize that you're reached your limit and unless he's going to finally choose and stop stringing you along, then, yeah of course things are going to be different and he wont be in your life the way he used to be.

 

Thanks for the encouraging words. I DO have a lot going for me and he is still stuck in his same rut.

I know its a terrible thing to admit, but that's a comforting thought for me when I think of my MM. I think to myself, I'm single, I was always free to date others and I did even when I was involved with him.

He's stuck in a relationship he's not really happy in. He's got 2 kids that are his responsibility. That are the main reason he's stuck (according to him). His relationship with baby momma seems to suck, they hardly ever do anything together, or as a family. Sex life sucks, and if he's there for the kids really, then he's gonna be stuck for another 18 years!

So whatever...he made his bed....

And honestly, I do believe the stuff he told me about the kids being the reason he's there, because you know how I told you baby momma was pregnant when they were broken up - well apparently, she got pregnant on purpose, most likely to "save the relationship", and he got snipped after that to ensure that no such thing happens again

 

So yeah....its a great comfort to know that I'm not trapped like he is.

 

Same thing goes for you

 

And I get what you mean about not feeding his curiosity. This is exactly how I felt after my phone died during our conversation. I was like how dare he want to know what's going on with me when he isn't being with me the way I want and the way he says I deserve?? That is just unfair of him! I need to keep living my life without him in it at all unless he can be all the way there.

I understand that too - but in all fairness, he's just trying to stay in your life. I know that feeling, although I always initiated NC (except for the last time ) still, during NC I would get this fear that he's just forget about me, so I always wanted to talk to him or find out what's going on in his life, because I wanted to still be a presence....but if nothing changes, then what's the point?

[Star_Bright]

You're right.

 

I'm going to try to remember that what he wants and does are separate from what I want and do.

 

I have to focus on myself, not him.

 

Thanks.

[Star_Bright]

I was listening to this Evanescence song today in my friend's car and it seemed right on point with how I was feeling.

 

Don't cry to me, if you loved me

You would be here with me

You want me, come find me

Make up your mind

 

Don't lie to me, just get your things

I've made up your mind