InternationalPlayboy Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 My family and I moved to a new city a few months ago. I'd lived my entire life in one city, while my wife moved frequently growing up. I had some reservations about moving, but knew doing so would make her happier and thereby life easier for all of us. But there's some background - over the past couple years, we'd struck up a friendship with a family in our old neighborhood. They were new to the neighborhood and our kids got to become friendly first. But soon enough, we got to know the parents as well. It ended up the wife and I shared many similar interests, temperaments and sense of humor. In short, we hit it off. Because our kids became fast friends and their proximity, we ended up talking nearly everyday it seemed. Nothing ever flirtatious or untoward, but simply a great friendship. The same cannot be said of my wife or this woman's husband - both worked crazy hours or travelled frequently. Did I find this friend, this female friend and neighbor, attractive? Yes. But I respected her and her marriage enough that I would never in a million billion years do anything to disrupt that. But without a doubt I found her attractive. Once my wife - not in anger or jealousy - asked if I found this woman attractive. More out of curiosity than anything. I replied, "Yes...But a touch snobbish." Which is true, but true in the best way imaginable. So anyway. We've moved. This neighbor and I have kept in touch some - my wife knows - but nothing big. So why do I think of her nearly every day? Certainly there are closer friends who I've known longer in my old neighborhood, yet this woman - who I really only knew a couple years - enters my thoughts far too often. And how do I make it stop? Even though it was only platonic and I truly enjoyed our friendship? Your thoughts are appreciated.
crazycatlady Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 My family and I moved to a new city a few months ago. I'd lived my entire life in one city, while my wife moved frequently growing up. I had some reservations about moving, but knew doing so would make her happier and thereby life easier for all of us. But there's some background - over the past couple years, we'd struck up a friendship with a family in our old neighborhood. They were new to the neighborhood and our kids got to become friendly first. But soon enough, we got to know the parents as well. It ended up the wife and I shared many similar interests, temperaments and sense of humor. In short, we hit it off. Because our kids became fast friends and their proximity, we ended up talking nearly everyday it seemed. Nothing ever flirtatious or untoward, but simply a great friendship. The same cannot be said of my wife or this woman's husband - both worked crazy hours or travelled frequently. Did I find this friend, this female friend and neighbor, attractive? Yes. But I respected her and her marriage enough that I would never in a million billion years do anything to disrupt that. But without a doubt I found her attractive. Once my wife - not in anger or jealousy - asked if I found this woman attractive. More out of curiosity than anything. I replied, "Yes...But a touch snobbish." Which is true, but true in the best way imaginable. So anyway. We've moved. This neighbor and I have kept in touch some - my wife knows - but nothing big. So why do I think of her nearly every day? Certainly there are closer friends who I've known longer in my old neighborhood, yet this woman - who I really only knew a couple years - enters my thoughts far too often. And how do I make it stop? Even though it was only platonic and I truly enjoyed our friendship? Your thoughts are appreciated. Has it occured to you that if this person had been male, you would still be keeping in touch a whole lot better then you currently are now? Also....you think of her because you are missing something...the friendship you had with her. It added to your life. You don't have that currently and so are thinking more and more of her because of it. Moving sucks sometimes, especially when you leave good friends behind. Shoot all I did was switch jobs and I don't see my friends much anymore because of it. And I have days when I'm depressed, I think a lot about them, way more then I did when I saw them all the time. They added to my life simply by being around. A smile and a wave, a pat on the back. Its little things that boost you sometimes but little so you don't notice or realize it until its gone. And these are not my childhood friends from ages past, some of the ones I miss so much are co-workers who I really got on with, and just the small interactions with then really made me happy and I enjoyed my day. They made working in a really crappy enviroment (for me at least it was crappy) not just tolerable but enjoyable. I suggest talking to your wife. It has nothing to do with this person being a woman, and attractive. And everything to do with missing a friend who brought you countless of small enjoyments through every day life that you are now finding gone. But your wife can help you get over that, maybe encourage you to go out and find a new bud to enrich your life the way this one did. I think its easy for us to see that we miss the large things, but its the little stuff, the stuff you don't even think about, that really gets to you when its gone. And then you are left with knowing something isn't right but just not what. CCL
Author InternationalPlayboy Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Very true, CCL. I have male friends that I miss from my old neighborhood, but in an entirely different way. Even before we left, I sensed this woman would be the person I missed most as she was the one I'd least likely see again. My male friends - guys I've known since I was a kid - we'll see each other at some point. This woman, however? I doubt we will. But you're right...I need time to get acclimated perhaps. Thanks for your input.
xxoo Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Do you have a crush on her? Are your thoughts of her longing, romantic?
mem11363 Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 When things are good/great at home with my W I don't really notice/think about other women. When things are strained, I find myself feeling desire for others. And that is how I know when I am feeling "in love" or not. My family and I moved to a new city a few months ago. I'd lived my entire life in one city, while my wife moved frequently growing up. I had some reservations about moving, but knew doing so would make her happier and thereby life easier for all of us. But there's some background - over the past couple years, we'd struck up a friendship with a family in our old neighborhood. They were new to the neighborhood and our kids got to become friendly first. But soon enough, we got to know the parents as well. It ended up the wife and I shared many similar interests, temperaments and sense of humor. In short, we hit it off. Because our kids became fast friends and their proximity, we ended up talking nearly everyday it seemed. Nothing ever flirtatious or untoward, but simply a great friendship. The same cannot be said of my wife or this woman's husband - both worked crazy hours or travelled frequently. Did I find this friend, this female friend and neighbor, attractive? Yes. But I respected her and her marriage enough that I would never in a million billion years do anything to disrupt that. But without a doubt I found her attractive. Once my wife - not in anger or jealousy - asked if I found this woman attractive. More out of curiosity than anything. I replied, "Yes...But a touch snobbish." Which is true, but true in the best way imaginable. So anyway. We've moved. This neighbor and I have kept in touch some - my wife knows - but nothing big. So why do I think of her nearly every day? Certainly there are closer friends who I've known longer in my old neighborhood, yet this woman - who I really only knew a couple years - enters my thoughts far too often. And how do I make it stop? Even though it was only platonic and I truly enjoyed our friendship? Your thoughts are appreciated.
Author InternationalPlayboy Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Do you have a crush on her? Are your thoughts of her longing, romantic? Yes and no. I don't have a crush on her - I believe I'm far to reasonable to have a real honest, school-boy type crush on anyone at this point. But at times of desperation I've wondered how life would be different had we met years before spouses, kids and reality got in the way. If that constitutes a crush, I suppose so. But nothing beyond those occasional thoughts.
Author InternationalPlayboy Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 When things are good/great at home with my W I don't really notice/think about other women. When things are strained, I find myself feeling desire for others. And that is how I know when I am feeling "in love" or not. I know the feeling quite well. I don't have much desire or lust for this woman - mainly because I keep those feelings in check as best I can. But frankly I enjoy her company immensely, were she a male this wouldn't be a problem. But as luck would have it, she's an attractive female. Therein lies my dilemma.
LittleTiger Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Did I find this friend, this female friend and neighbor, attractive? Yes. But I respected her and her marriage enough that I would never in a million billion years do anything to disrupt that. But without a doubt I found her attractive. Sometimes I have a bad habit of focusing on one particular thing that a poster has said - but that's because it stares out at me like a flashing light in the dark. How is your relationship with your wife? It may be that you just 'forgot' to add that you respected your own wife and your own marriage enough that you would never in a million billion years do anything to disrupt that - or maybe not? If there is something 'not ideal' about your marital relationship, then having these feelings makes complete sense to me. My advice would be to refocus on your wife and cease contact with your friend. There may be nothing 'dangerous' about your friendship but, in order to protect your marriage, you'd be wise to end it. Just my opinion.
giotto Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 you were doing that because you clearly have problems in your marriage (see your other thread - Marriage is boring) and you have a void which needs filling... hence your "crush" on her. Because you had one...
xxoo Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 But at times of desperation I've wondered how life would be different had we met years before spouses, kids and reality got in the way. If that constitutes a crush, I suppose so. Yes, that's a crush....those "what if?" daydreams..... It's ok. It's normal. It isn't some big sign that you are meant to be together, or that she would be a better partner than your wife, or anything else. It can help to force a more realistic picture of who she is. What would life with her be after years of marriage? Probably a lot like your current marriage It can help to remember when you had a crush on your wife! What was it about her that made you dizzy with love? Most importantly, it can be a reminder to strengthen the connection with your wife. Marriage is boring, and now you are fantasizing of "greener grass" with another woman. Much cheaper to pay for babysitters, datenights, and marriage counseling.
Author InternationalPlayboy Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Sometimes I have a bad habit of focusing on one particular thing that a poster has said - but that's because it stares out at me like a flashing light in the dark. How is your relationship with your wife? It may be that you just 'forgot' to add that you respected your own wife and your own marriage enough that you would never in a million billion years do anything to disrupt that - or maybe not? If there is something 'not ideal' about your marital relationship, then having these feelings makes complete sense to me. My advice would be to refocus on your wife and cease contact with your friend. There may be nothing 'dangerous' about your friendship but, in order to protect your marriage, you'd be wise to end it. Just my opinion. Thanks for your input and you're probably right. Our relationship has ups and downs like anyones. But it also has long periods of flatlands and dull scenery. I do respect my wife and our our fragile relationship. Usually. It's not always easy or fun to remain on the straight and narrow.
Author InternationalPlayboy Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 you were doing that because you clearly have problems in your marriage (see your other thread - Marriage is boring) and you have a void which needs filling... hence your "crush" on her. Because you had one... We may have problems, but nothing that frightens me and certainly I prefer our problems over those of other people I see on LS. So you would constitute this as a crush? Damn - I tried to hard for it to not be.
Author InternationalPlayboy Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Yes, that's a crush....those "what if?" daydreams..... It's ok. It's normal. It isn't some big sign that you are meant to be together, or that she would be a better partner than your wife, or anything else. It can help to force a more realistic picture of who she is. What would life with her be after years of marriage? Probably a lot like your current marriage It can help to remember when you had a crush on your wife! What was it about her that made you dizzy with love? Most importantly, it can be a reminder to strengthen the connection with your wife. Marriage is boring, and now you are fantasizing of "greener grass" with another woman. Much cheaper to pay for babysitters, datenights, and marriage counseling. Thanks for your input. Perhaps it's just nice to talk with someone - this woman - who's not only attractive, but who still laughs at my jokes and hasn't heard them a million times like my wife. More babysitters always seems like a reasonable answer.
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