AmysHeart Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Here is our story. Once upon a time, I lived across the street from him. We became best friends and would talk for hours each night inside his garage. He was awkward and quirky and didn't have any experience in a LTR with a woman. He was also 39 at the time (he just turned 43) We had ups and downs and some knock down drag out fights. I moved to the other side of town. Changed my numbers, etc. I'd made up my mind to not contact him for 1 yr. I lasted exactly 364 days. The first night I called him (April of this year and one day shy of my 365 NC rule) it was as though no time had passed at all. Our very first conversation he told me that he loved the hell out of me and had missed me every single day and was going to marry me. Since that day we have been inseperable. Until the past 3 weeks. We started house shopping together, planning a wedding for January 1, etc. About three weeks ago- I started seeing some of his old patterns re-surfacing. Leaving unexpectedly- such as I go to the bathroom to pee and come back out and he is gone type things. He would say it was that he was overwhelmed and stressed at the time and just needed to escape. He would be sorry the next day and professing to me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. He has also gotten physical in the past few weeks. Granted- we both have tempers- but what has gotten me the most is his lack of remorse on anything and everything. I have asked repeatedly for a proper apology. His attitude is "But what did you do?" It is always the blame game. To top it off- he would barely spend any time with me. In the past three weeks we have had six evenings together. Two of which resulted in arguing. The last night we were together- I went through his jeans pockets while he was sleeping and I found a recorder. On that recorder are numerous arguments he and I have had- including us having sex. There is also a conversation on there with him talking to another woman ( who is married and lives in another city and I know for fact they are not having an affair) however, he was trashing me to her and telling her how much he loves me at the same time. Also calling me crazy and worse names to her. Then saying that he loves me again. A HUGE problem we had in the past (he suffers from a paranoia disorder- and would often record things to prove what was said or was not said) but a HUGE problem is that he had all of his friends and family hating me- because instead of NOT talking to them about our problems- he would call them EVERY time we were on the outs- and to top it off- he would not tell them how he had treated me honestly- but instead would play the victim and outright lie so that they would feel sorry for him. He tells me how much he loves me- and that he just needs to be able to talk to me and be heard. Well, I don't think that there is any excuse for his behaviours. I do know that he was not trying to record our sexual relations- rather it was that he started the recorder hours prior and had failed to turn it off. He does admit that it has been wrong for him to talk about me in any negative fashion to anyone. He states that he misses me and loves me deeply. Well, I am just so mad at him! I am afraid to cave in and agree to meet with him because he has stood me up a few times in the past few weeks. So I have simply stopped talking to him. I sent him a "Dear John" letter four days ago- I was matter of fact. I clearly spelled out for him that I am done. I stated that my reasons were the following: The fact that he has continually cancelled plans or stood me up in the past few weeks, the physical abuse, the lack of remorse, the way he talks about me to others. Since then he has emailed me that he loves me and wishes to be able to talk WITH me and not AT me... I have not responded and it is killing me because I miss him so much. I miss all the wonderful times and being close to him every night. However, I was hoping that by breaking things off- it would be a wake up call for him to realize that he has seriously mistreated me. I wish he were begging for me back. He has too much pride to do that though. He is on the autistic spectrum with a paranoia disorder. I am not making any excuses for his temper- just saying that when it has happened it has been when he was not processing things correctly. I won't listen to anything about "beaten wife syndrome" even the therapist he and I were seeing does not believe that he is some wife beater. He believes that he panics and then snaps. Ex boyfriend is not possessive or controlling. Is very supportive of my career ( investigations/ missing children) typically is supportive of me and us to his family and friends ( unless we are apart due to problems) typically dotes on me and does anything and everything for me and I dote on him as well. However, if we are arguing- and I try to hug him or come near him when he is in a paranoid state- he will throw me off of him or shove me away- this last time resulted in me being seriously injured. He then became paranoid about going to jail etc- even though I threatened no such thing. This is what started the three week freak out and standing me up- etc, and feeling the need to record things. Prior to this last three weeks- everything was not perfect but I would have graded our relationship as an A+. Keep in mind that the year we were apart- he did not date anyone- and in addition to that- he did have my email contact info and never once attempted to email me. I don't know if NC is the way to handle him at all....I want to be with him- but I want to be with him under the condition that when I tell him my feelings are hurt or if I have an issue that he will put himself in my shoes and try to understand how I feel and then convey to me that he cares about how I feel. I am very good about doing that for him. Also, I want him to realize that I am not out to get him when he is in one of those paranoid states- though I doubt that can be changed so easily. Thank you to whomever reads this. I am heartbroken and miserable right now.....
Don Ho Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 (edited) Wow...... I'm sorry you're in this position and I empathize with what you're going through. So you CHOSE a guy with psychiatric, anger, abuse and intimacy issues? I'm not sure why you want to continue with him. If your girlfriend just told you all that about a guy she was dating, what would you honestly say to her? I don't think he's going to change his behavior and when he mistreats you is going to see what he did and apologize for it. I don't think that's in his personality. And you say he has been getting physical? I understand you love him, but as Dr. Laura says "What's love got to do with it?" I hate to tell you, but I think you would have a much happier, less drama filled life with a different guy. Not the advice you probably wanted, but that's my opinion. Edited September 17, 2010 by Don Ho
Author AmysHeart Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 I respect and appreciate your opinion, Don. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for responding to my post. You are right. I know that. What I have difficulty moving past is that 99 days out of 100 were probably more beautiful than what most women are accustomed to. Like I said - I am not at a good place. I miss him and I hate missing him. God only knows 364 days never got better for me. Not once in that year did I stop missing him. I hate this crap. I so wish that it did not hurt so bad. I just wish I could stop missing all the things that I love.. I so wish that the misery cancelled out the highs... Pathetic ------ I know...... Thank you again, Don.
skydiveaddict Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Hang tough Hang tough Hang tough! You will make it through.
Author AmysHeart Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Hang tough Hang tough Hang tough! You will make it through. WHAT A JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every single F*&%ING night the same thing! He either text or emails me that he loves me. How about, "Honey, I know I hurt you and I am so sorry. Can we work on this? I see that I hurt you tremendously and I so want to love you and ensure that I never lay a hand on you again...." HOW ABOUT THAT?????????????????????????????? Tonights Text: Miss you.... Love You.... UUUGGHHHH!!!!!!! I sent him a straight forward, matter of fact- no emotion laced in my words email the other day explaining to him that my biggest reason for the break up was that he is not capable of acknowledging the physical abuse and that we cannot fix that which we do not acknowledge. I also stated it was a dealbreaker that he has no remorse. And the best he can do is text me at 1:30 am like clock work every night after he has had a few beers?????????????? Sorry guys...I am just pissed off. Pissed off is good for me- it helps to keep me focused on NC! I have ZERO ZERO ZERO interest in contacting him unless he can really ever look at what he has done and own up to it- Thank you for letting me vent. Amy
TaraMaiden Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 He'll never be cut from your mind if you fail to cut him from your life. Stop the contact, stop responding, stop checking and stop sabotaging your own progress. The more you try to walk forward with one foot nailed to the floor (and you're holding the hammer, hun!) the more you'll simply walk around in circles, in pain wondering "Why me??"...... You hold the answer to that.
Don Ho Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Ah yes. Some women just can't help but love the bad ones. Move on.
Author AmysHeart Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Easier said than done. I am moving on. Day 4 NC. It is not so easy to turn off the emotions when I have loved him for four years. But I am here for support and to support others and to take care of myself- which means I am not communicating with him in any way, shape or form.
Don Ho Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Easier said than done. I am moving on. Day 4 NC. It is not so easy to turn off the emotions when I have loved him for four years. But I am here for support and to support others and to take care of myself- which means I am not communicating with him in any way, shape or form. Yes much easier said than done and it's not easy to turn off emotions. You feelings maybe strong, but you have to use your mind to say "I value and respect myself, so I am not going to be mistreated and when I see a bad boy and I'm attracted, I'm going to use my good sense and experience to not get involved". Day 4!! Good for you! It gets easier, Sista, little by little, day by day. You will be fine and shortly it will not be as difficult.
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