wendigo Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Of course I know only I allow myself and its up to me. But every time I think about the S*** things my ex did to me - I start to think he is not a nice person. examples are - hitting me, lying to me, making threats, manipulating me - all these things he turned around to say they were my fault and or excused himself for some reason. I feel caught in this dilemmma of whether I am allowed or not to hate him and because I have to take responsibility for my part, and I do wonder if I did drive him to do these things and that I am responsible in some way for his behaviour. After all - the worst things I did was shout, swear, name call and I slapped him twice (in 3 years - once when he called me a nutter and another when he was laughing at me crying and ranting because he had booked his 40th birthday holiday to Africa alone with out me, he told me to get over it and didn't speak to me for 2 days - after this 2 days in when I approached him crying and shouting about him ignoring me and being angry that he wasn't being understanding and how could he not speak to me for 2 days when all I wanted was to share his special birthday and just BE WITH HIM and that I was hurting so much already - he laughed at me crying - I slapped him - he hit me, threw me to the floor and kicked me in the stomach - walked out - I followed - kicked him - he threw me around some more and sped off in his car ). I also threw a couple of plates at some point - not at him - at the wall. But not every week! Just a couple opf times over 3 years. But I did shout a lot. Normally because I couldn't cope with his threats = me being kicked out the house, relationship ending, saying he wont have time to spend with me if I keep talking about issues eg, the longer you talk the longer we stay here in work (I worked for him sometimes).He was totally paranoid I was trying to control him. I can say hand on heart I wasn't. I just wanted respect and good manners. Anyway - I feel like I morally am not allowed to hate him or blame him for his behaviour because I have not been perfect by shouting, swearing or slapping (as he constantly reminded me - if I had approached him about any bad behaviour - manners for example - he would pick me up on my past behaviour of shouting, who am I to talk etc.) To me his behaviour and mine are on different levels. Does this give me the right to hate him? I feel if I could hate him and believe he is wrong in what he did to me - I can feel better about myself and really move on from this relationship. I feel I have been treated so badly and I have gone back to him so many times - this is me going back to him btw not him chasing me - I know I know it reeks of low self esteem and insecurity - he hasn't helped, but I know its up to me blah ablahablah. But I still do feel very unsure about my worth and responsibility towards the way he treated me. There is a lot more bad points about him that from talking to friends and lots of women on here under another username they would just not tolerate (eg.still wanted to be friends with his ex fwb of 10 years who still text him on Valentines this year and she very obviously has a problem with me being with him). YOu can see my other posts if you really care or look at the username oneheart for a history beyone that. I feel like I really need to move on from this but his words, my guilt are stopping me. Any thoughts??
Nikki Sahagin Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 This was clearly a very poisonous relationship. Though I don't condone violence in a relationship from either a male or female partner, I can completely understand why you slapped him. He sounds cruel and malicious to laugh at you crying and a slap is very different to kicking someone in the stomach. You are perfectly allowed to be angry and to hate him. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but I don't think you did anything to warrant that kind of abuse. You both got caught up in an unhealthy dynamic. Anger/hate is a phase, especially in an abusive or toxic relationship. You will come through this but for now use this anger to empower yourself.
paleblue Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Wendigo you are allowed to feel however you want towards him. After reading your post I think its completely justifiable if you have these feelings. It sounds like its going to take awhile to resolve it all in your mind (we all go thru it), but I am happy to hear you are out of this toxic relationship. Im sure it was good at one point, but it has now de-evolved into something completely unhealthy and abusive. You know in your heart its not good. And you know you don’t want to be stuck in something like that. Stay strong, keep your head up and do your best to stay positive. Its going to be awhile. I myself just came to the conclusion after 2 YEARS of back and forth, that I am not cool with just being friends with an ex of mine. That’s how long this stuff takes sometimes. I hope you are able to move on much sooner.
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