Need to get my big girl pants on...

[beanzmom]

I've posted here before, but am looking for validation for my feelings, I guess. It's been a while, so I'm going to repost my story...

 

My husband and I have been married 13 years. We have two beautiful children, ages 8 and 2. My oldest was born when we lived miles away from our hometown, moved there so that I could start my career. He did not have a degree, and I did, and it was a mutual decision that I should start my career. I started my career and worked a lot of hours. My father was diagnosed with cancer during our first year in our new city and progressively got worse, despite treatment. We were nearly 300 miles from home with no family or friends and my father was very ill. Stress...

 

DH and I decided to have a baby to honor Dad's request to see his grandchild before he passed. We got pregnant right away and everything was great. That is, until morning sickness. I was hormonal, SICK 24 hours a day and very very scared. I guess I snapped at my DH a lot, never realized I did it. Not an excuse, I know. As my pregnancy progressed, my DH pulled away from me. He said I was bitchy, rude, ignorant. We did not have sex my entire pregnancy with my DD as he said it was gross and I treated him too badly/too bitchy. 9 months without intimacy. I begged, pleaded, even strode into the room naked. Nothing worked. He was tuned into his computer games and beers. As time went on, he would get calls from one of his co-workers, an 18 year old girl who my DH said was a friend. She would call and he would get up and leave home (even on his days off) and pick her up at work and supposedly take her home. She lived with her parents, worked full time and yet did not have a car of her own? I began to suspect he was having an affair, though he denied it. One time I found a small hair clip in my car that I KNEW was not mine. It could have fallen off of her inadvertantly, but it was one of those "alligator" clips that stick in your hair well. I ignored it.

 

After our DD was born, things didn't get any better. I took a layoff at work so that we could move home. We did and DH went back to school while I looked for a job. It was during that time that we lived with my parents. Stressful, yes. We had no privacy and co-slept with my DD (HIS CHOICE). Sex was when we could have it in the family room in the basement. little intimacy. After a year of looking for jobs we finally moved out and into our own apartment. DH purchased a computer (laptop) and left it out on the table one day when he left for work. I was in the process of looking for a house for us and went on to start that day's search. I went into the history file and saw that he had visited several porn sites, including Adult Friend Finder.com. I went onto the site and saw that he had created an account for himself and that he was looking for someone for a one-night stand as his wife was cold and wanted nothing of him. I was sick. I confronted him when he returned home and he denied any wrongdoing, saying he went on it just to see what it was all about and that he had to create an account to access the site. True, as I needed to create one to get on, but why did he have to say the things he did about our marriage? I asked for counseling (he said our problem was he wasn't getting enough sex) and he said no. So I forgave him, thinking that would be the last of it.

 

Life went on. We bought a house and I had what could be equated to a nervous breakdown. Stress at work, at home and from all angles just took a toll on me and I cracked. At the worst of it, I developed phobias. My DH ignored what I was going through and told me it was nothing a little sex couldn't fix. I went to counseling and overcame my irrational fears and now am 100% better. No meds or anything like that. :-) So during that time, I noticed DH was going online. A lot. He was drinking a lot, too. He would close down pages when I entered the room, trying to hide what he was doing. He would stay up until all hours of the night, chatting on online chat rooms. I never did uncover any of them, but I did see one day when accessing the family e-mail that he had exchanged pix with another woman. She was in China, but was real. I sent the pix to my work e-mail and confronted him. He said that it was all fantasy and that it wasn't hurting anyone. There was evidence that he was masturbating (he left the lotion/lube on the table!) and that he was taking this chatting to a new level. I asked him a second time for counseling and he said no, that the problem could be fixed with more sex. I agreed to try and be "sexier" for him. Basically to keep him from cheating online. At this time, I was basically appalled by him. He drank every night, to the point of vomiting 2-3 times per week. He would wake me up in the night from a sound sleep to the sound of his being sick in the bathroom. I was assaulted when I was in college by a drunken guy, so the smell of alcohol while being "intimate" is a real turnoff, to the point of my going into fight or flight mode.

 

Things didn't get any better. My SIL decided that she and my DH needed to go to real estate school together. So my DH quit his job and started school. This was back when real estate was ultra hot. He signed up with a realtor and everything was looking up. He was excited about the new career path. I told him that we would be okay, my salary could cover the bills for a few months while he was in school (only 8 weeks) and that anything he brought home would go to food and clothing. We found out shortly afterward that I was expecting my DS. I was worried about money, but thought DH's career would get moving and we would be okay. He graduated from real estate school and went to training at the agency. He came home from that one day training, plunked himself down in front of the computer and didn't move (except to take his family around town) for nearly a year. He didn't answer the calls from the agency, didn't work, didn't do anything but play computer games and chauffer his family for a year. I went to work every day, worked extra hours, was pregnant and paid all bills, shopped, cleaned house, etc. by myself. we were not making ends meet, so I had to use the credit cards to buy food for the family. Every time his father would "help us out" by slipping him a $20 my DH would spend it on alcohol. I tried to point out to him that the $20 he received could have bought food for us for a few days, he ignored me. After about 6 months of this and my continual nagging, he finally went through a succession of crappy mall jobs, each one making him more and more depressed. He took his frustration out on me and our daughter. He was verbally abusive and neglected us entirely.

 

My blood pressure was high and they suspected pre-eclampsia. My DH wanted to hear nothing of what was happening and tuned us out completely. He came to the hospital with me the day my DS was born (emergency cesarean), continually complaining that he didn't want to be there. LIKE I DID!!! After having DS I was in the hospital four nights. On the second day, he left for nearly 9 hours to install a window air conditioner in my parent's window. 9 hours????? I called home and was told that he was sleeping. I was on meds, couldn't hold the baby by myself and was separated from him because of this. DH knew this, yet went home to take a shower and nap.

 

Okay. so things progressed at home. We brought DS home and it seemed as if we would be happy again. We co-slept with our DS (again, HIS insistance), so there was no intimacy in the bedroom, still. I was going through a lot at that time, handling basically two full-time jobs at work (my boss was fired and I was asked to step in and do her work, plus mine). That, combined with the financial situation, a new baby in the house, his aunt (aged 70) now living with us and a husband drifting towards alcoholism I was not exactly wanting intimacy. nearly a month went by without any sex. DH stopped talking to me, stopped acknowledging my presence. It was horrible. He would leave the room when I would enter, address me only when absolutely necessary and with one-word answers.

 

One day I went on the family e-mail account to clear it out when I saw e-mails from Craig's List. Not quite sure what that was, I clicked on one of the e-mails. He had been propositioning women for one-night stands and answering personals for the same! He gave details of where he worked, asking if a hookup could take place there. I decided to watch the situation and sent the e-mails to my work computer. I watched it for nearly two weeks, each night's e-mails sent to my work e-mail address. In two weeks he propositioned nearly 20 women. He caught me on the computer one morning (luckily I was on my work calendar) and he yelled "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I answered, "I'm checking to see if I have a meeting this morning...aren't I allowed?" and he stormed off. That day I contacted an attorney. After the initial meeting, the attorney told me what to say to DH, to tell him I wanted a separation. I went home and told DH. He listened to what I had to say and then said, "so where am I supposed to go?" I told him that was his problem. He then said, "Can we please try counseling?" I agreed and made the appointment the next day. We found an excellent counselor, went once per week. Things were looking up. He understood my problem with alcohol, how it affects me (revulsion in intimate settings) and what I was feeling. I also understood what he was thinking. At least, I think I did.

 

Very long story short, our entire married problems stem from the idea that he isn't getting enough sex. When I don't "put out" enough, he ignores me. I consider that emotional abuse. He won't look me in the eyes, won't touch me. In fact, he won't touch me unless he knows he's "getting some" that night. Most of the times, it's a quick grope of the breasts or buttocks when I'm busy with something, like dishes or taking care of one of the kids. When I tell him to knock it off, he gets angry.

 

I can't stand the thought of him touching me. We went a year without being intimate, after an argument regarding beer. I've started a master's program and he is taking every opportunity he can to make me feel stupid. He will pick up my reading when I put it down, laugh roughly and declare it bullcrap. He criticizes my professors and what they say, he criticizes me for listening to them and tells me on a daily basis that they are idiots and I should be angry they are making me take this to get my degree. He is making me feel small and stupid. He told me (after I had been reading for three hours after taking care of the kids and working all day) that he wanted some sex. I told him I'd meet him halfway with something else. He rolled his eyes and said, "If you keep hiding behind those books and reading, ...well..." alluding to the idea that he would go and find someone else. Knowing full well that he would be intolerable to live with, I went ahead and had sex with him. Afterward, he told me how proud of me he was for going back to school. He has never told me this. EVER. I shrugged it off and told him he needs to stop telling me, show me.

 

I come to work and think about telling him to leave. I feel I'm being taken advantage of and my kids are seeing things that aren't appropriate. He plays video games a lot on the computer and (in the silence in the room with the kids sleeping) yells out "WHAT THE F*CK!" at the top of his lungs and other profanity. He does this at night when the kids and I are trying to sleep or I'm relaxing and watching a TV show or reading (I am lucky I get an hour's time to myself per day and he ruins it with this behavior). I'm constantly on edge and am finding it harder to go home at night. I get all tense inside. He makes it obvious that he is looking at another woman's 'assets' and my daughter has picked up on it.

 

He does not support the family. He works four days per week and makes about $1,000 per month. I am the breadwinner, but my paychecks are GONE between bills and buying food for the house. I don't have enough left over at the end of the month for gas in my car. He takes his checks and deposits them into his mother's bank account and uses it for whatever he chooses, short of parking and gas. He will buy food if we need something, but I have no access to his money to pay bills or buy clothing for the kids. I have to do that with my check. Or I have to beg him for money, which is demeaning...

 

The only thing holding me back from telling him to leave is his aunt. She is elderly, lives with us and has no family. We're it. And she is very good to us, helping with the kids, the chores and financially. I feel so guilty. She helps financially with some of the bills and wouldn't be able to support herself without our help. And she'd be alone. She told me she would be fine without us, but I can't help but feel guilty about the whole thing. Akin to tossing her in the cold.

 

Advice please! Thanks for reading this diatribe.

[Don Ho]

Wow, that was LONG! LOL. So what is your question? Maybe you should go read the "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. Sounds like it's not a great marriage or that he's that great of a guy. Maybe you should just ask him to move out and end it.

[What_Next]

Wow, that is quite the story. The solution, umm leave him. Yes even coming from a male perspective this person is a waste of space.

 

Walk away and start your new life.

[2sure]

You are supporting him and because he is unwilling to be a breadwinner he is not supporting his children. Period.

 

Toss him and you will no longer have the expense of supporting him. Toss him and you will never ever again have to asl him for money to feed his children because the Child Support will be taken directly from his paycheck. If he quits his job or doesnt pay, he loses his license or his freedom. Not your problem. If he doesnt pay you enough, you will probably as a single mother get state aid and health care.

 

Keep the Aunt.

[Enema]

I'm amazed you let this go on so long.

 

Every time you brought up something new that on it's own would be a deal breaker for me, I expected to see a: "so then, I told him to leave".

 

But nope, line after line of you putting up with this crap and reinforcing to him that his behaviour is fine.

 

You obviously won't do it for yourself. You need to leave him for your kids. Do you want your kids to think this kind of relationship is normal???

[You Go Girl]

I'm amazed you let this go on so long.

 

Every time you brought up something new that on it's own would be a deal breaker for me, I expected to see a: "so then, I told him to leave".

 

But nope, line after line of you putting up with this crap and reinforcing to him that his behaviour is fine.

 

You obviously won't do it for yourself. You need to leave him for your kids. Do you want your kids to think this kind of relationship is normal???

 

Do you see what enema has narrowed in on?

BOUNDARIES.

 

Your H has no respectful boundaries whatsoever, financially or sexually, and a myriad of other critical marriage elements either.

Why, oh why, have you never drawn boundary lines?

Larger more enlightened question: Why are you attracted to someone without boundaries, ie, respect for their partner?

This is where the real work is going to begin. When you finally get angry enough to not allow this behavior and be married simultaneously, this is the question you are going to have to answer to yourself in order to never repeat this behavior with a new possible partner.

Where are your boundary lines?

Have you, in any fashion shape or form, contributed to this lack of healthy boundaries?

From your post it appears not. But there is always the confession under the story that is not told. Look at yourself, and answer what, if not a lack of boundaries yourself, allows you to tolerate a lack of boundaries from your spouse. This is crucial to you ever having a healthy relationship in your future.

 

One significant thing I noticed. You did not say a SINGLE THING that he has done for you or your marriage. Not one plus on his side anywhere in this story. Are you leaving those pluses on his part out because they are not part of the problem of the story, or are there no pluses on his part whatsoever?

A marriage is not about tolerating another person's mocking of respect and boundaries by laughing in your face. I see a "what are you going to do about it?" attitude from him. He knows that he wins either way, you leave, he still hasn't respected you, you stay, he still hasn't respected you.

It's very true, we can never force another to respect us. He wins that war.

Edited September 17, 2010 by You Go Girl

[beanzmom]

He did have plusses once upon a time. He is wonderful with the kids, for the most part. A very fun dad when he wants to be. He will make dinner for us on occasion, but that's all dependent on him. Lately he's been doing it more than usual. He is very VERY intelligent, good looking and dresses well when he's out.

 

The bottom line is, he's an emotional abuser. When we met, dated and married, I was a strong-minded, don't-take-anything-from=anyone kind of person. Now? notsomuch. I cower inside every time his voice climbs up in anger, even if it's not directed towards me or the kids. There were boundaries established early in our relationship, but he used his anger and his bullying (never physical) to get his way and break down the barriers. that, and the constant "it's YOUR fault I'm looking online for sex because you don't put out enough" kind of skews your perspective...

 

I guess what I'm looking for is validation that I'm not crazy, not the cause of all of his anger (there ARE two people involved in this tango...).

[Sticks82]

It always amazes me when I read posts like this. Why on earth would a motivated, intelligent, strong woman stay with such a parasite.

 

LEAVE HIM.......IF ONLY TO SHOW HIM YOU ARE PERFECTLY ABLE TO STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET!

 

Also it will highlight what a disgrace of a man he is when he is forced to survive on his pathetic paycheck.

 

When spouses stay with these losers, they merely enable them.

 

Please wake up before you find yourself being made more of a fool of.

[BB07]

Why in the world are you still with this pos? Don't you think you suffered enough?

 

As someone else pointed out, you are enabling him to treat you like that, because you are allowing it. You obviously are a strong, smart woman but you aren't acting like it. Stop making excuses for him and stop making excuses for yourself by continuing to stay in a mess like that. There is not one positive quality that you have spoke of in this post about this man, so why, why?

 

It sounds like some sort of sick trade off, what are you getting out of it? Do you enjoy being a martyr? You are allowing him to demean you and treat you like crap because you aren't kicking his sorry azz out.

You deserve better, now do it.

[love4me2c]

So it sounds like you want to leave but need/want to keep his aunt. I would just tell her that you and your husband will be splitting up and that it has nothing to do with her. Also, if you are able to support her, tell her that she's welcome to accompany you wherever you go. Really, she's a big girl and can decide for herself what she wants to do.

 

I am familiar with what you speak of especially the emotional abuse. I can tell you that if he was serious about getting help that medication can certainly help him. My husband did a 180 after it. Your husband definitely sounds depressed and he's looking for things to give him a high or "up." Like the video games and the affairs. But sometimes we can just be "done" and I am wondering if I am already there myself.

 

So - if you are done or he refuses to seek help, then definitely get out. This is no way to live for you or your children. Not sure of your state laws, but there is a one year waiting period before a divorce in my state. So separation is not divorce. If he does change and you decide you want to try to get back together, you can. But staying with him is not going to get him the help he needs to get his life and your marriage back on track. I wish you the best of luck.

[You Go Girl]

He is a parasite, nothing short of one.

He has had several if not a hundred ONS, and you are pretending to yourself that he just "looks" on craigslist, etc.

He uses you, over and over again.

You're his personal work horse.

He belittles you, and has you convinced that his lack of any self-control sexually or respect for you is your fault, when in fact, he never had any desire to be monogamous with you.

Have you ever had a respectful loving relationship? Because I think you are so far immersed in the abuse of this one, that you don't even remember or know what a healthy fair honest loving relationship is anymore. That is very sad, but guess what? It's hopeful, because you can find this in the future, but not with him, sorry.

He's going to need some very tough years apart from you to even recognize what he has done, and that's with the assumption that he ever will, and he may very well not. He may just replace you with another nurturer. Parasites are very good at finding their prey.

RUN! DON'T WALK, RUN!

[tornandmarried]

so hes very intelligent and good looking and has a tenny tiny little heart...leave him and marry his aunt...but if u wanna stay and work things out again, for the kids at least, lay down the law...let him know your fed up, get rid of the computer and the beer and whatever else hes immersed in and communicate about everything....if he has a problem takign these steps to make u happy then theres the door

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Man, it's stories like this that make me glad to be a divorced person! Now mind you, my ex-wife didn't play the same games as your Husband, but what she did to me, made me feel a lot of the same emotions you are feeling now.

 

My ex-wife was a serial cheater, two different guys within 8-9 months of each other. With the last one, the one that she choose as my "replacement", she would boast about him, while degrading me through her words. While she put this guy on a pedestal, she told me I wasn't worth the dirt that pedestal was standing on.

 

Trust me when I say, I know a little something about when a person try's to make you feel bad. But as forum member ((You Go Girl)) has touched on, it's all about boundaries! I got sick and tired of someone always making me out to be the "scum of the Earth", I got tired of the flamboyant flaunting of her Man God, all the while degrading me by telling me things like "you not good enough" or "I've traded you in for a new and improved and younger model" stuff like that. As said boundaries!

 

One day I drew my "line in the sand" and never looked back! I could no longer tolerate being with someone who didn't respect me. I could no longer be with someone who abused my trust, I could no longer be with someone who didn't respect the boundaries of marriage.

 

I like you have been down the ole "spouse on the Internet" road myself, the Internet was how my ex-wife found man #2. I know how it feels for someone to "minimize" something on a computer screen, when you walk into the room, and give nasty looks at you for just being there. Be careful, you spoke of "chat rooms", that's where my ex-wife maintained her adulteress relations with man #2. I know all to well the power of the Internet, when not being used in a good and constructive manner.

 

But ultimately, the choice is yours......."stay" or "go"! Personally I wouldn't have tolerated it for as long as you have!

 

Plus, and some have sighted this, what about the kids? Do you want your kids being stuck by your side all the while your Husband is doing what the is doing to you? Do you want your kids in any way growing up thinking, that Dad's way must be the right way? Personally, if it was me, I would kick that guy of yours to the curb! In no way shape or form would I want my children growing up around all that you have stated. No way in h*ll would I want my Son growing up thinking that his Fathers way, mainly in regards to the treatment of women, is the "right way"! My opinion here, get that man out while the getting is good, while the children are still young, after the P.O.S. is gone, then you can start filling your children's heads with proper things, like how to treat a lady!

 

The choice to "stay" or "leave him" is up to you, but before you make that choice, do yourself a favor and think about all that has been told to you, not so much by me, but the other forum members that have chimed in as well.

 

Please keep posting...........keep us here on LS in the loop!

 

Ps- Keep the Aunt with you!

Edited September 23, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior