Another one bites the dust

[BellaBellaBella]

Have you spoken to her sister about the chemical dependancy?

 

I know that in our marriage there were fertility issues. We did not go overboard with fertility treatments. We decided adoption was a great choice for us. I do remember feelings being less then a woman and perhaps my husband felt the same. However, neither of us acted on it.

 

Is it possible that your wife is needing reassurance due to her lack of fertility?

 

Is there anyone who would do an intervention with you?

[Dexter Morgan]

Guess you and I have different thoughts on this, Dex.

 

If I go out with a buddy...I'm obligated to watch his back. If he gets drunk, I make sure he gets home safe and sound. I expect the same from anyone I would go out with as well.

 

 

That's a friend.

 

sure, not arguing that at all, but having someone's back doesn't mean they have to sit next to them the entire time, attached to the hip either.

 

 

Anyone not willing to do that much for you isn't much of a friend in my book.

 

so if they go out, and friend wants to dance, and she doesn't and would rather sit at the bar, then the friend can't dance?

 

here again, not sure if this friend abandoned her or if its a convenient excuse that maybe the wife wanted to sit at a bar and hook up with this guy instead of hanging with the friend.

 

something tells me the friend didn't abandon her at all. something tells me the wife cozied on over to the bar to talk to this guy.

 

 

I don't blame her girlfriend for her attempt to hook up with this other guy (assuming that's what happened). But I do feel that her friend shouldn't have left her without making sure there was a plan in place to get her safely home...and knowing she had an issue with meds and alcohol her "friend" SHOULD have been concerned for her safety.

 

maybe I missed it or glossed over it...did this friend leave her at the bar and go somewhere else? or just left her at the "bar" part of the bar to go dance or something. maybe that wasn't real clear.

[Dexter Morgan]

ok, maybe I misunderstood that leaving the "bar" meant the establishment altogether...not just leave her at the bar to go to the dancefloor or restroom or something.

 

even so, friend probably wanted to go somewhere else, but wife was having too much fun with this other guy and didn't want to leave.

 

in any case, whether she is considered a good friend or not, doesn't excuse his wife's behavior. maybe the GNO thing needs to stop if his wife can't handle them like a married person. and if she doesn't want to stop GNO, then maybe she doesn't need to be a wife.

[Dexter Morgan]

That is simply an untrue statement.

My girlfriends & I have GNO all the time. We are all married.

Now - perhaps the difference with us is that we're home at a decent hour.

 

yes, thats the difference. nothing good will come out of an entire night of drinking and closing down the bar at the wee hours of the morning.

 

 

No one gets hit on, nor do any of us hit on men. No we're not ugly. That's just not how we roll. We don't go out to find men. We go out to catch up with what's going on in our lives. Good clean GNO fun.

 

yours sounds like a much different scenario. When I think of ladies nights out, I am thinking of bar hopping, clubbing, dancing with other guys, and closing down the bar.

[martini-mae]

"Why it's just a hug" LOL.

So there's no such thing as Reading More Into A Situation, than what's really there?

He quickly backed off saying they just met and didn't want any more involvement.

Gosh, most guys would behave that way if a man coming towards them had steam coming out of his ears. Dontcha think?

 

His hands on her hips, smiling like its gonna be his lucky night.

Don't you think it's possible that at those wee hours of the morning, everyone's perception of reality is a bit skewed? Besides that he went into that bar looking for something. Anything she'd have done at that time of the morning would have looked bad in his eyes. He was probably already mad before he went in.

 

OP also said his wife did point out her husband when she saw him. Do we know what context that was in. Perhaps she was smiling - OHhhhhhhh there's my husband . Or was she hiding behind the other guy cowering. Oh sh***it- there's my husband. It's all in perception. When you go looking for something, most of the time you find it.

 

I think that this woman sounds like she's got some serious issues & rather than help her, he's gone the control route.

I still find it ironic that he's posted on an infidelity board. I don't see any infidelity at all in this post.

 

The highlight concerns for me would be

1) Married women do not belong in bars past 9 or 10 without their husbands (that's my opinion)

2) Married men should not be stalking their own wives in bars - he should have called her on her cell phone & discussed her means of transportation to get home. Then, if necessary, he should have driven there to pick her up. Not stormed into a bar expecting a fight.

3) She has depression issues - Needs Help - Not GNO

4) Pills & Booze - Do Not Mix. Get Help.

5) No grown friend should be solely responsible for another. Her friend leaving, while it's not a good idea, didn't deserve to be ripped a new one.

 

The hug IMO is a very MINOR part of this story. Obviously, this is just my opinion. My take on the story.

Edited September 17, 2010 by martini-mae

[martini-mae]

my goodness IR

I don't have any sort of agenda.

 

I am not a cheater nor is my husband. (Do I know people who have - Yes)

 

My husband & I are regulars at a few places (sports bars/restaurants), however, we're in our early 50's & so we don't hang out until the wee hours of the morning anymore like we did in the old days. I'm too old for the 20's & 30's nonsense to do that anymore.

Back in his 30's my husband owned a bar. We know a lot of people from that day so we still hear the late night stories

 

I have many male friends also that hang out. Do I hug them good bye? Yes. Does my husband hug other women? Yes. Does he hang out in these places without me? Yes.

 

As for my own personal girls night out - we don't go to meet men. None of us are like that. I don't know where you come from, but not all women that hang out in bars have an AGENDA.

 

I'm not defending the OP's wife by any stretch. What I am doing is pointing out a different scenario that may or may not have happened. I've seen situations like this one too many times. I've seen men get pissed & want to start a fight over a bunch of nothing because they are drunk & or it's late. That's all. I'm merely saying he could have overreacted to a situation that he walked in on at the end.

 

Doesn't it strike anyone else as odd that he's more concerned over the hug than he is over the other issues he's pointed out that his wife has?

Edited September 17, 2010 by martini-mae

[martini-mae]

Sorry for the TJ -

 

IR. I'll just laugh at all your insinuations & assumptions.

 

None of which are true. Only a few points on your comments:

 

why does your husband need to hang out at night, drinking, w/o you, w/any degree of frequency

Did I say he hung out drinking at night with any degree of frequency? No

 

and while we're both very moderate social drinkers, in no way do our social activities revolve around alcohol consumption

OMG us too! Just because we go to the bar on the weekends during the daytime & watch games doesn't mean that drinking is our life. Yes, we have friends there. (It's kind of like a Cheers) None of us get dirty drunk. None of us get crazy or hang all over each other That's preposterous! We're all home in our own beds by the time that kind of stuff happens.

 

Sure, back in the day we all partied like rock stars. I don't know many people who didn't have party time in their younger years. But for my friends, that's well behind us.

 

It's just like drinking alcohol. If it's not an issue, why do all your social activities (at least the ones you've described here) involve consumption of alcohol, hanging out in bars, etc.?

I didn't realize I was supposed to tell all the other aspects of my life that I was personally involved in. (The bar thing applied here)

 

I think that the OP here is hiding something. Maybe his wife cheated on him at one point in their short marriage. Which would be a sad revelation or if he cheated on her. That too would be horrible.

 

I just think he's parinoid about a THE hug instead of being worried about the other things she's doing outside THE bar.

 

OP - I hope you figure out what it is you want out of your very brief marriage. Good Luck to you. Peace-Out!

[martini-mae]

You keep talking about yourself

Your M.O. is to attack everyone in LS when you don't like their responses to threads. But that's ok.

 

OP - I hope you figure out what it is you want out of your very brief marriage.

That was sincere. Between all of the BS that goes on & needless bantering when someon has to defend themselves, I hope he does figure it out. Would be sad not to.

[LuminousZ]

I just went back and read your previous posts from 2-3 years ago. You were concerned with her use of sleeping pills way back when you were first dating her.

 

What happened with the concern you had about her being in constant contact with her ex? What was the outcome of all of that?

 

 

Her Ex Husband finally (about 3 yrs later) entered into a relationship and I met him at a party with his new girlfriend. It was a non event. So the communication between them has cooled significantly. However, I do feel a bit a resentment from her regarding that whole situation. She refuses to talk any further about that.

 

Regarding her use of pills.., she's hooked. Pills are the answer to everything. Back hurts, take a pill. can't sleep, take a pill, wake up in the middle of the night, take another pill. Anxiety because that pill isn't working fast enough, take a Xanax + a sleeping pill. One weekend she stayed in bed for 17 hours only getting up for bathroom breaks!

[LuminousZ]

Have you spoken to her sister about the chemical dependancy?

 

Yes. Her sister / family treat her with kid gloves. From their viewpoint, "if it makes her feel better, pills are not a problem"

 

I know that in our marriage there were fertility issues. We did not go overboard with fertility treatments. We decided adoption was a great choice for us. I do remember feelings being less then a woman and perhaps my husband felt the same. However, neither of us acted on it.

 

This issue has proven to be a serious strain on our relationship.

 

Is it possible that your wife is needing reassurance due to her lack of fertility?

 

Yes, thats why I don't mind her going out to "let her hair down" so to speak. The problem I have is mixing prescription pills with alcohol and its blurring effects on reality.

[LuminousZ]

People do stupid things when they drink, even smart people do. The more people drink, the more often they drink, and the more often they drink too much, the easier it is to do stupid things. Such as hugging the wrong members of the opposite sex.

 

 

"A bunch of nothing." No it's not a "bunch of nothing." If OP's wife, your friends, or anyone else is hanging out in bars drinking with strange men, hugging them, creating enough distress that it's causing the spouse grief, THEN THAT'S REASON ENOUGH to go home to the concerned spouse. That's what would happen in a HEALTHY marriage.

 

 

You're missing the point. There shouldn't even be a "situation" for him to "walk in on" in the first place. His wife shouldn't have a need to be hanging out in bars socializing with strange men without him. You accept it as "normal" simply because you've accepted it as inevitable in your own marriage.

 

But I like to spend time with my wife, she likes to spend time with me, and while we're both very moderate social drinkers, in no way do our social activities revolve around alcohol consumption and people who like to drink.

 

IR - Thank you. I appreciate your feedback. It helps me to know I am not alone in my concerns regarding intoxicants.., and what's appropriate in a healthy marriage.

[LuminousZ]

 

2) Married men should not be stalking their own wives in bars - he should have called her on her cell phone & discussed her means of transportation to get home. Then, if necessary, he should have driven there to pick her up. Not stormed into a bar expecting a fight.

 

Now I'm a stalker!

 

WOW.

 

Were you drinking a Martini or two when you posted this?

[martini-mae]

Ok. I agree. Stalking - Not a good word to use here. Sorry.

But, Why did you feel you needed to go to the bar to check up on her that particular Girls Night Out?

Aren't you at all concerned that she is using the amount of drugs & also adding alcohol to the mix?

Guess if I were in that situation I'd hope that my husband would sit down with me & have a heart to heart about that scenario 1st. Then have the talk about the guy in the bar.

[eamherst14051]

Answer me this: How does a person taking all the drugs that this woman is taking as well as drinking alcohol have any kind of sane reasonable thought? This might be at a more advanced stage than simple reasoning don't you think?