Broken

[TigerCub]

Are you cruel on purpose or is it a mistake?

Does it hurt you to give as much as you take?

 

Was it validation you were after, or was there something there?

What made you so vicious after my heart was bare?

 

I'll never understand how, you do what you do

How you can hurt the one that truly loved you

 

If there's no part of you that wants to make this right

Then I guess, all along, we weren't worth the fight

 

You dismiss my pain and turn your back on me

Like I'm an irrelevant stranger you don't want to see

 

What is it that broke you, that made you so cruel?

What is it that gives your darkness such fuel?

 

I could see you were damaged and it drew me to you

Hoping my love and understanding would find its way through

 

But your game was rigged and I could never win

My tears would fall, and inside you'd grin

 

For trying to love you, I only came to find

That you cut too deep so I'll leave you behind

 

You're dismissive, cruel and irrevocably broken

So you'll never say what needs to be spoken.

 

 

 

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MM used to always comment on how I have such a big heart and "take in strays" because I'll be friends with people, not judging them by their problems, if its alcoholics, people who just repeatedly make relationship mistakes, or whatever.

 

I don't know if he knew that I was drawn to him (after learning about him) because he was "damaged".

 

Because of some stuff in my past, I felt like I was broken too, and there was something about him, that made me want to love him more because he seemed broken (but didn't show it).

 

That's why I"m talking to a therapist these days - its because I want to finally put these issues from my past to rest. And not see myself as broken.

 

I've come to realize that although I still love him, it was never my job to "save" him or heal him or fill his voids. But it still makes me really sad, because I feel like I"m turning my back on him (ALTHOUGH HE's THE ONE THAT WAS ACTING LIKE A JACKASS, AND I've LEFT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE TREATED BADLY - I KNOW THAT IT WAS HIS DOING, BUT I STILL FEEL REALLY BAD - LIKE I'M ABANDONING HIM)

 

but I have to do what I have to do....

[lilbunny]

Yep I get that TC. I hate myself for talking to him, I hate myself for ignoring him. I have no idea why he is being like this.

 

It is no excuse but I suspect some of this behaviour is a self preservation thing. I can't say it makes me feel much better. I once asked him what he wanted and he said he hoped we'd have a working relationship, just like any other colleagues. I asked him if he knew just how hurtful that was, if that was all I meant to him. He said that was what he had to tell himself. Go figure! I have given up trying to understand what goes on in his head anymore.

 

I liked your peom by the way, it is good to have an outlet.

[donnamaybe]

I think more women tend to be that way than men. I've learned, over the years, that you have to keep certain people at arms' length, even while trying to help them in any way you would like. Otherwise they can infiltrate YOUR life and f it up.

[Silly_Girl]

I think more women tend to be that way than men. I've learned, over the years, that you have to keep certain people at arms' length, even while trying to help them in any way you would like. Otherwise they can infiltrate YOUR life and f it up.

 

Been working with my counsellor on a milder form of this. There are people in my life who I love, but who cannot give me what I wish they would give me. So I accept what they offer and go without the rest, but be at peace with that. I know where they are if I want a little bit of what they offer, and if not, I stay away.

 

That sounds more complicated than it is (!), but it's been difficult emotionally to be comfortable with the distance because of my default settings.

 

And yes, I think men are inherently more self-centred, and able to compartmentalise, so on the whole don't end up in the pickles some of us lovely ladies do!!

[TigerCub]

Yep I get that TC. I hate myself for talking to him, I hate myself for ignoring him. I have no idea why he is being like this.

 

It is no excuse but I suspect some of this behaviour is a self preservation thing. I can't say it makes me feel much better.

I sooooo know what you mean! I don't know if its an excuse I make up in my mind, but sometimes I think he acts like he does because his past was crappy and so it is a "self preservation" thing, but sometimes I just think he's an A-$ and that I make excuses for him.

 

I once asked him what he wanted and he said he hoped we'd have a working relationship, just like any other colleagues. I asked him if he knew just how hurtful that was, if that was all I meant to him.

 

I dunno about this one...I see why that would upset you, but at the same time, I think that maybe he said it because it means that he'd at least want to be able to talk to you - you're doing NC right now, and I may be wrong, but I don't think this is the first time.

 

I see it more as him wanting to at least be able to talk to you.

But I completely understand your hurt over that comment, because after everything you've shared, you want to hold more value in his heart than just a work colleague.

 

 

I have given up trying to understand what goes on in his head anymore.

I think that's a good plan - its really the only thing you can do. There's no point in guessing what they might be thinking or trying to figure out the motive behind their actions.

 

It's very difficult to stop, and I can't honestly say that I'm at that point yet, but I'm trying really hard not to do the guessing game and just take things at face value.

 

Good luck lilbunny, I always wish you the very best in getting over this

 

I liked your peom by the way, it is good to have an outlet.

Thank you very much

I find that it helps to just put those emotions on paper.

[TigerCub]

I think more women tend to be that way than men. I've learned, over the years, that you have to keep certain people at arms' length, even while trying to help them in any way you would like. Otherwise they can infiltrate YOUR life and f it up.

 

That's very true donna,

but honestly, its not like I got into this mess to "save" him. But the fact that he seemed damaged was something that I secretly really related to and it made me love him more.

 

But you're right, I mean, in most cases, with my other "strays" (as he calls em), I try to be a friend and I don't really let them infiltrate my world too much with their issues.

[TigerCub]

Been working with my counsellor on a milder form of this. There are people in my life who I love, but who cannot give me what I wish they would give me. So I accept what they offer and go without the rest, but be at peace with that. I know where they are if I want a little bit of what they offer, and if not, I stay away.

 

That's the weird thing - I can do that with any of the other people in my life - he was just the exception.

 

And yes, I think men are inherently more self-centred, and able to compartmentalise, so on the whole don't end up in the pickles some of us lovely ladies do!!

I envy that most of the time

[donnamaybe]

That's very true donna,

but honestly, its not like I got into this mess to "save" him. But the fact that he seemed damaged was something that I secretly really related to and it made me love him more.

 

But you're right, I mean, in most cases, with my other "strays" (as he calls em), I try to be a friend and I don't really let them infiltrate my world too much with their issues.

Oh, it's never a conscious thing, especially where affairs of the heart are concerned. I think we just know within ourselves that we have SO much love to give that all that love will shine this big light into our lover's life and he'll be oh, so much all the better for it and realize how WONDERFUL we are. Not consciously, like I said, but just that we know ourselves and how WE think it will affect a man. At least, that's what I learned about myself some years back.

 

As for the rest - those with obvious outward problems (drug, alcohol, emotional), they're easier to ID.

[TigerCub]

Oh, it's never a conscious thing, especially where affairs of the heart are concerned. I think we just know within ourselves that we have SO much love to give that all that love will shine this big light into our lover's life and he'll be oh, so much all the better for it and realize how WONDERFUL we are. Not consciously, like I said, but just that we know ourselves and how WE think it will affect a man. At least, that's what I learned about myself some years back.

 

You're definitely onto something here.

It certainly isn't a conscious thing. Its just that he's be abandoned by 2 fathers...(his real father that he didn't know about till he was 18) and a step dad that he thought was his father left when he was 4.

The guy has obvious abandonment issues and I always felt so sad about that, although outwardly he acts like everything is ok, but I get to know more when we talk more intimately.

 

I always felt so bad about that, and I knew it hurt him and I just wanted to love him more, to never abandon him, to always be there for him.

 

I think the subconscious thing was that I thought by filling his voids and by him seeing how much love I have to give him, not only would I make him happier, but I'd get through - somewhere no one else could get to.

 

I dunno how to explain it - but your subconscious comment definitely made me realize that....

 

hmmmm

 

As for the rest - those with obvious outward problems (drug, alcohol, emotional), they're easier to ID.

That's for sure

[donnamaybe]

I dunno how to explain it - but your subconscious comment definitely made me realize that....

 

hmmmm

But don't be sad about it, hon. That just means you have a big heart and want to love someone and make them happy. That's a GOOD thing.

 

It's hard when we come to the realization that we can't fill those voids. Well, we could, but when someone has been hurt like that, they have to have counseling to work through those issues before they can fully recognize and appreciate the good person who wants to share their life with them and be that person who never hurts them like that.

 

BUt - you get one life. YOU deserve to find an emotionally healthy partner.

[TigerCub]

But don't be sad about it, hon. That just means you have a big heart and want to love someone and make them happy. That's a GOOD thing.

Thanks donna

 

It's hard when we come to the realization that we can't fill those voids.

I think that's why I have this incredible amount of guilt for finally saying 'enough is enough'. I think of the people that abandoned him and it breaks my heart that I'm doing it too.

 

But I KNOW that he's treating me badly, that's why I have to just look out for myself now, and do what's best for me, but I just can't shake this feeling that I failed him (even though he doesn't realize it) - I'm not making much sense.

 

But it's not like he's worried about my past issues and my feelings so I really do know that I have to do what's best for me, because if I don't look out for my best interest, who will? right

 

BUt - you get one life. YOU deserve to find an emotionally healthy partner.

 

Very true. I hope we all find our peace.

Thanks donna