NewlyBroken Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 (edited) Hi LoveShack Community, I'm NewlyBroken, a Newbie here. Break-ups are horrible. I went through one about 2 1/2 months ago after being in a relationship for 8 years. Here's my story, feel free to offer feedback, comments, or just ask questions; I'd greatly appreciate it... Also, please know that if I can share past experiences to help provide positive support to anyone going through their situation, I will... The End: "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" That's what I asked my lover / best friend of 8 years as she informed me that she no longer had a desire to be with me... "I'm not in love with you anymore, my Heart's just not in it; I don't have any romantic feelings for you, and haven't for some time. I've stayed in the relationship more for your sake than for my own. I'm giving so much of myself to you, that I've lost sight of myself and what I want. I've just changed, I want different things now...I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want you to stick around thinking this is something it's not anymore..." Earlier that day while still at my temporary job, I called to see how she was doing as usual; her voice sounded different. Her voice sounded unsure, a bit upset; knowing her for 8 years I'd immediately knew something was wrong, I asked what was wrong, with genuine concern in my voice, but she didn't want to discuss it. Said we would talk when I got home... The Beginning: The relationship went along as many others do, nothing uncharacteristic about it; Boy Meets Girl, Girl Rejects 1st advance (lol), Boy tries again, Girl responds. Boom, then the building of a potential relationship with no expectations starts... This isn't to say that we didn't fight or argue, because we did; but it was never severe. And when it would get bad, we always came together to try to work it through. I used to get upset and walk away at times, but she always pulled me back and said "Sit down, we're going to talk about this, don't walk out on me. That's not going to solve anything." Over time, because of her, I learned to control my anger a little more; I learned about effective communication in a relationship because of her. She taught me about the concept of "We" intead of just "Me"... As the years passed along, eventually we lived together. She owned a home already, so there was no other choice but for me to live there. Plus I had been dealing with some ongoing family matters, and had a desire to be removed from it all for the sake of my own sanity and progression...This is where the trouble starts. The Beginning of The End: Fast forward to last year (2009)I've never made much money working for myself or others, but I've always had enough to take care of business. I've always been on top of my bills, and able to help / aid others; had very little if any reliabilty on others, period. I'd always contributed what I could to our new household since I moved in. But then something unexpected happened...I was laid-off from my job; The job I had been on for 10 years that had allowed me to pay for College...Economy tanked...I was shocked and broken, but optimistic for the future. She supported me emotionally from the start, promised me everything would be okay, and she'd help me in any way she could until I got back on my feet financially...I didn't sweat it, I hopped back on my feet and began Temping as soon as I could; The only problem is I was now making significantly less that I had been making. This is where things went funny-shaped for us. In a now common pattern reflective of the current state of affairs, no less than a few months later, she lost HER 10+ years job...Laid off...The next year was rough on us both, her out of work completely, still emotionally hurt and unsure about what to do next while juggling bills, using retirement money to stay afloat, and myself temping as often as possible, just to keep bills up and pay back what I'd borrowed from her in between jobs. While I would constantly assure her that everything would be okay; she was not convinced... We began to split emotionally, both focused on getting back on our respective feet, our attentions less and less on each other...Communication is the same, but not the same. Not like it was... Back to The End: "Why can't we just talk about this like we used to? We've always been able to work through anything. Why didn't you tell me when you started feeling this way?" She just said that she didn't know how I was going to react, she just felt she should keep it bottled up...I didn't have strength or mental stability to further inquire why she thought that was a good idea, for the feelings she had to be bottled up until the bottle busted. I just said "Okay, I understand. If you feel this is best, I accept it (I didn't) But know that I love you more than anything..." So with pain and mass confusion in my heart, I began to gather my things...My head was spinning...Then the tears came... *************************************************************************************************** That was 2 1/2 months ago. There's no real way for me to describe how I feel currently, other than an enormous sense of Loss and a surreal feeling of floating in Limbo, like this is all some bad dream. Friends and Family have been extremely instrumental in helping me get over it and move on, however I'm still feeling around in the dark for answers, or the reasons why what happened has happened. At night out of sheer habit, I wake up and reach over blindly to see if she's there, and pray that when I turn over I'll be right back in our home...No such luck... My Mother said "Everything happens for a reason, usually it's a good thing; you're just hurting right now, so you can't understand / or see the good that will come out of all of this." I'm still trying to see the GOOD... All I know is someone I loved more than anything is GONE; it hurts like hell. I've gone No Contact and stuck to it for my own recovery's sake. She tried to reach me a few times not long ago, but I've ignored the calls and texts; I'm just not ready...I've got A LOT of healing to do... Again, please feel free to comment, ask questions or offer your feedback on the story. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I apologize for the length. Take care all. Edited September 16, 2010 by NewlyBroken
shayan Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 8 years is an incredibly long time, so I have a bit to say for you. First off, I think your story was well written and it touched me. With that said, I would like to tell you that the best thing you could do is seperate yourself from her, keep no contact going forever. And I will tell you why, after 8 years it is easy to fall back into friendship like patterns expecially if she begins missing your companionship, however, you know you will be doing yourself a major emotional and mental dis-service. Once you have completely cut her out of your life focus on re-building yourself from the bottom up, financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, once your focus shifts back from "we"---> to "me" that's when you will start moving on. Mourn her man, mourn her as much as you have to cry, work out, do yoga, karate, mixed martial arts, biking, art, I don't care what, you need catharsis. Write her letters then burn them, burn old photos, do visualization. Most importantly though be very patient with yourself during this time, it is easy to convince our minds to move on rationally, but our hearts take much longer to heal and give up on the past. And the best way to convince your heart is to mourn. Good luck, stay positive and try your best to try regaining your autonomy and self love. You will get through this how long it takes depends on how well you take care of yourself during this period.
Author NewlyBroken Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Hey Shayan, I just want to say a BIG Thank You to you for the choice words you've shared; they've really shook my heart, and almost moved me to tears...Just the fact that you took the time to relay a message filled w/ honest advice and healthy suggestions to a complete stranger mean the world to me. Bless you. This period of time has NOT been easy, in fact it's been one of the toughest I've ever faced in my life...All I want to do is to feel better...Missing her hurts more than anything, but I'm still slowly trying to put one foot in front of the other and MOVE forward... Thank you as well for the well wishes, I send them back to you in this message and in my prayers. Please take care, all the best to you. You'll make a fine Doctor.
durkadurka Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Hey Shayan, I just want to say a BIG Thank You to you for the choice words you've shared; they've really shook my heart, and almost moved me to tears...Just the fact that you took the time to relay a message filled w/ honest advice and healthy suggestions to a complete stranger mean the world to me. Bless you. This period of time has NOT been easy, in fact it's been one of the toughest I've ever faced in my life...All I want to do is to feel better...Missing her hurts more than anything, but I'm still slowly trying to put one foot in front of the other and MOVE forward... Thank you as well for the well wishes, I send them back to you in this message and in my prayers. Please take care, all the best to you. You'll make a fine Doctor. Hey there buddy, I know everyone says this here, but with the exception of the duration our stories are very similar. Like yours, my relationship had taken a toll on both of us, and one day, despite the fact that we still cared enormously about each other, she was no longer romantically inclined towards me. The signs had been there for a while, less sex, less fun, it was all there. We still made great companions. All I can say is, it happens to the best of us, most of relationships are luck and fortunate timing, and sometimes things just don't work out, even though we give it our best.
Livelovelearn Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Wow, I just wanted to say that your post was touching. The way you worded everything showed sincerity. I feel your pain. I have been told something similar by my ex boyfriend of 3 years on top of finding out that he pursued another relationship behind my back while I was trying to work it out with him. Recently I have got back in touch with him, and just yesterday he stated I was too much (since I overreacted over something) and said that he was done with me. Rejection all over again. So my friend, do the best you can to move on. Dont try and contact her, it will only make things worse, trust me. I wish you the best and I hope in time your heart heals! You sound like a great guy.
Billie The Puppet Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Hey there buddy, I know everyone says this here, but with the exception of the duration our stories are very similar. Like yours, my relationship had taken a toll on both of us, and one day, despite the fact that we still cared enormously about each other, she was no longer romantically inclined towards me. The signs had been there for a while, less sex, less fun, it was all there. We still made great companions. All I can say is, it happens to the best of us, most of relationships are luck and fortunate timing, and sometimes things just don't work out, even though we give it our best. That's just it, same flags but the thing is fun stopped because we had been planning a future together so in order to save excitement had to decrease and then so did the relationship but my ex has no concept of money so perhaps for the best.
shayan Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Don't worry newly the pain subsides with time if you allow yourself to feel it
Recommended Posts