jd08 Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Last night I went to the gym. I came home and my wife was in the living room watching TV. So I went into the office to get on the computer. I pulled up the screen and she was logged into her facebook account. No big deal I would just log out. Not 5 seconds later before I could log out, my wife literally came running into the office, reached over me, took the mouse and hit "logout" several times. She said "I was just seeing who was online" or something to that effect. Needless to say, it made no sense to me why she needed to get off the couch, run into the office and log herself off of facebook. Later in the evening right before we went to bed I was in another room doing something. I came into the office and she was on facebook again. As soon as I walked in I casually said "what are you doing?" She said "nothing, just looking at facebook." She then immediately logged out as I walked into the room. I don't want to overreact to anything, but should I be suspicious of her facebook activities at this point? We have been dealing with some intimacy issues lately but the past week went pretty well. Thanks for input.
GooseChaser Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 (edited) Last night I went to the gym. I came home and my wife was in the living room watching TV. So I went into the office to get on the computer. I pulled up the screen and she was logged into her facebook account. No big deal I would just log out. Not 5 seconds later before I could log out, my wife literally came running into the office, reached over me, took the mouse and hit "logout" several times. She said "I was just seeing who was online" or something to that effect. Needless to say, it made no sense to me why she needed to get off the couch, run into the office and log herself off of facebook. Later in the evening right before we went to bed I was in another room doing something. I came into the office and she was on facebook again. As soon as I walked in I casually said "what are you doing?" She said "nothing, just looking at facebook." She then immediately logged out as I walked into the room. I don't want to overreact to anything, but should I be suspicious of her facebook activities at this point? We have been dealing with some intimacy issues lately but the past week went pretty well. Thanks for input. Sounds like there's something she doesn't want you to see. If you feel comfortable doing so, you have the right to ask her to allow you to look around her facebook account. It's like having access to an email; people do that in couples too. If she does not like the idea and does not allow you to check it out, you may want to ask yourself why. Trust and honesty is super-important in relationships. Best wishes. On the bright side, she could also be doing something positive like planning a surprise. Consider that possibility too, especially if she has never been untrustworthy before. Edited September 16, 2010 by GooseChaser
LittleTiger Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I would ask her straight out, what made her rush in to log out of facebook when she knew you were on the computer. Watch her face and see what her reaction is. I think you'll be able to tell if she's hiding something. If she's relaxed and maybe smiles and says she can't tell you then it could be she's planning a surprise (?), if she looks uncomfortable, or shifty, or laughs it off (ie tries too hard to appear relaxed) there's your answer. My partner and I rarely use facebook but we do both have accounts and we're 'friends' on facebook so we could follow each others activities if we chose to (I think?). Our email accounts are linked too. I sometimes check his for him when he doesn't have time and he can check mine whenever he likes. We know each other's passwords and have open access to everything. We don't have secrets. (Not that I'm aware of anyway )
GooseChaser Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Has she given you any reason to doubt or distrust her before?
lkjh Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 ya thats defiantly suspicious. Buy a keylogger and do it today
2sure Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Clearly she is doing something on facebook that she does not want you to see. And it isnt Christmas shopping...its communication. Whether or not she is doing something awful or just something stupid...before you start spying on her : Communicate with her. Tell her you are uncomfortable and why. Tell her you want access to her facebook account. Honesty, openness, and transparency have nothing to do with respect. You want to see who she is communicating with on facebook. That is not unreasonable. It may initially be uncomfortable...but its not wrong to make a habit of this openness. You put it on the table honestly. If she will not allow this, you can add it to your intimacy problems and ask how she would like to solve the problem. Because there is one.
GooseChaser Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Still, even if you want to see her accounts sometimes just to check on her, balance things and allow her to have some privacy as well.
LittleTiger Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 ya thats defiantly suspicious. Buy a keylogger and do it today Wow, straight to spying before even having a conversation? Trust issues in your past by any chance?
InternationalPlayboy Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Unless she's given you reason to distrust her in the past, I would write this off and not make a big deal out of it. If you blow it out of proportion, as others seem to suggest, it'll be a big unnecessary pain in the neck for both of you. It is just Facebook - it's not like she was logged in to Ashley Madison or something. Certainly there are things you've done on the Internet that you wouldn't want her seeing but are really - in the scheme of things - harmless. Unless there's some other reason to be suspicious, I would let it go.
LittleTiger Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Certainly there are things you've done on the Internet that you wouldn't want her seeing but are really - in the scheme of things - harmless. Unless there's some other reason to be suspicious, I would let it go. Really? If they're harmless why wouldn't he want her to see? I agree he shouldn't blow it out of proportion, yet, but he has to at least ask the question. If he's concerned enough to raise it on a public forum it's an issue for him and it needs discussing. They are already having problems in their marriage. Keeping niggling concerns to himself, on top of whatever else is going on, will just make the situation worse. Communication is the key to a happy relationship.
InternationalPlayboy Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Really? If they're harmless why wouldn't he want her to see? I agree he shouldn't blow it out of proportion, yet, but he has to at least ask the question. If he's concerned enough to raise it on a public forum it's an issue for him and it needs discussing. They are already having problems in their marriage. Keeping niggling concerns to himself, on top of whatever else is going on, will just make the situation worse. Communication is the key to a happy relationship. Harmless would be Googling an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend, a friend, a co-worker or surfing for pictures of a celebrity etc. Nothing to be ashamed of, but not necessarily something to be proud of, either. There's no real harm in sharing these things with your spouse, except perhaps a little embarrassment. Nor is there any harm keeping these mundane time wasters to yourself. Personally I wouldn't care if my wife did any of those things. Not only do I trust her, but I also trust her to not bore me with minute details of normal everyday things. Again, if she's provided him with other specific reasons to not trust her, then it's a different story.
Author jd08 Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 Thanks for the responses, everyone. As far as whether there is a trust issue, the only thing that has happened in our past occurred about 5 years ago when we were engaged. She got friendly with a guy she worked with. They didn't have sex but I know they at least made out on a few occasions and I discovered an email where she had sent him a topless picture. I made a big deal of it then and it very nearly ended our engagement. Since then we have had no issues with that kind of stuff. But it makes me wonder about the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater."
InternationalPlayboy Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Thanks for the responses, everyone. As far as whether there is a trust issue, the only thing that has happened in our past occurred about 5 years ago when we were engaged. She got friendly with a guy she worked with. They didn't have sex but I know they at least made out on a few occasions and I discovered an email where she had sent him a topless picture. I made a big deal of it then and it very nearly ended our engagement. Since then we have had no issues with that kind of stuff. But it makes me wonder about the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater." I see. I suppose her actions might pique my interest then. I wish you luck.
LittleTiger Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 ]Harmless would be Googling an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend' date='[/u'] a friend, a co-worker or surfing for pictures of a celebrity etc. Nothing to be ashamed of, but not necessarily something to be proud of, either. There's no real harm in sharing these things with your spouse, except perhaps a little embarrassment. Nor is there any harm keeping these mundane time wasters to yourself. Check out the separation and divorce forum if you really believe that. Old flames are the cause of many a broken marriage. My own partner lost his ex to 'an old friend she re-discovered on facebook'. Guess what, she could even talk openly about him because my partner also knew him as a friend from years back! It all looked very innocent until he got access to her facebook account to check it out. I would also ask you what the embarrassment is about? If I was embarrassed about anything I was doing on my computer I would question where that came from. Embarrassment can defined as 'the shame you feel when your guilt is made public'. Don't kid yourself!
InternationalPlayboy Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Check out the separation and divorce forum if you really believe that. Old flames are the cause of many a broken marriage. My own partner lost his ex to 'an old friend she re-discovered on facebook'. Guess what, she could even talk openly about him because my partner also knew him as a friend from years back! It all looked very innocent until he got access to her facebook account to check it out. I would also ask you what the embarrassment is about? If I was embarrassed about anything I was doing on my computer I would question where that came from. Embarrassment can defined as 'the shame you feel when your guilt is made public'. Don't kid yourself! Well, luckily, I won't have that problem as my old flames are more than happy I'm out of their lives. And the feeling is quite mutual. Perhaps embarrassment is the wrong word. But I don't believe there should be any sense of pride in telling your spouse - "Honey, I spent an hour looking for pictures of Lindsay Lohan's breasts today.":p
LittleTiger Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Perhaps embarrassment is the wrong word. But I don't believe there should be any sense of pride in telling your spouse - "Honey, I spent an hour looking for pictures of Lindsay Lohan's breasts today.":p Pride would certainly be an odd thing to feel in this situation but then, if I was you, I'd be questioning why I felt the need to spend an hour looking for those photos in the first place? Really, men are such strange creatures sometimes!
LittleTiger Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 "once a cheater, always a cheater." jd08, I don't personally believe in this saying at all. People can and do change, if they have the right motivation to do so. Please talk to your wife and let us know how it goes. Good luck.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 on LS.... I'd just leave he right now....... Figured on LS that is the first response..... FB is a breeding ground for these inappropriate relationships and the fact she ran in and did what she did definitely indicates she did something, which in the best case scenario was only embarrassing.....
InternationalPlayboy Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 on LS.... I'd just leave he right now....... Figured on LS that is the first response..... FB is a breeding ground for these inappropriate relationships and the fact she ran in and did what she did definitely indicates she did something, which in the best case scenario was only embarrassing..... Her Farmville probably is pathetic and doesn't want anyone to see...
HawksRule Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Yeah trust is huge. don't do the key logger thing. Just have an open conversation with her, just say lately her actions (and quote them) were a bit odd and made you somewhat suspicious. Hopefully it all goes for the best, maybe she is just planning a surprise for you? or perhaps if she is actually doing something wrong, hopefully it hasn't gotten pretty bad and maybe you guys can fix whatever may be causing that behavior before it gets worse. i.e. maybe your "intimacy issues" have caused her to seek elsewhere for it. Anyway good luck.
eamherst14051 Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 now a days anyone on face book who shuts down when someone else comes into the room is a HUGE RED FLAG!!! Key logger............immediately
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Thanks for the responses, everyone. As far as whether there is a trust issue, the only thing that has happened in our past occurred about 5 years ago when we were engaged. She got friendly with a guy she worked with. They didn't have sex but I know they at least made out on a few occasions and I discovered an email where she had sent him a topless picture. I made a big deal of it then and it very nearly ended our engagement. Since then we have had no issues with that kind of stuff. But it makes me wonder about the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater." Red flags! Has she added you as a friend on facebook? Anyway, she's up to no good. Whether or not she's cheating on you (physically) , she's doing something she knows is wrong and you need to confront her about this NOW. Be blunt and honest, that she better stop whatever it is she's up to, and if she isn't doing anything, then it wouldn't be a big deal if you looked at her facebook.
eamherst14051 Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Check this site out: http://www.facebookcheating.com/
Author jd08 Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Update** I confronted her tonight about it. She admitted sending a few messages back and forth with an old bf but insisted that all she said was "congrats on getting married and becoming a father." Strangely enough he isn't her FB friend but she sent him private messages instead. I asked if I could see the messages to verify her story. She said I couldn't bc they were already deleted. She laughed at my suggestion that she had any romantic interest whatsoever in this guy. I don't know what to think. Still very skeptical of the deleted messages and covert communications. I want to believe her but it is hard to do so for some reason.
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