isitreal Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 (edited) I was seeing my ex in an LDR for a year. I broke up with her because she had personal issues and bad habits, which I was unable to deal with but she refused to communicate or try and find a solution to her problems together. I ended it thinking it was the only way for her to change, I was getting very negative with her because it was consuming me, trying to change her bad habits... I felt I had to let go even though it broke my heart. (There's prob a better way to do things, I think.) Her method of taking the breakup was something new to me, however. She was a wreck and pissed (passively, could only tell by reading her online statuses) the whole time telling me she wanted to get back together with me but she never rehashed the details of the relationship and talked to me like we always did and even like a friend albeit a sad one, while never doing NC; she kept bringing up this girl she thought I was seeing, but wasn't really...I wouldn't be able to do that if I were in her shoes. I found her attitude very brave and graceful...until the end. After a month of the breakup and no talking for a week she called me out of the blue after a vacation to her hometown, no period between sadness and happiness told me she met a guy, who had qualities I was missing that changed her perspective, how the new guy's personalities meshed perfectly how he was "haha, so much older than me", how she stayed at his place till the early hours of the morning...I asked her why she would tell me these things...she said she assumed we had moved on and that I wouldn't mind. I didn't know I was the original problem... I mean, wtf. Here's where I lose my manhood. I lost it that night and called her back telling her I wanted to try again, and was emotional a few more times over the week. She said it was too late, we weren't compatible, she wasn't in love with me anymore, because we were LDR it was too difficult to fix things. Fair. This I call a reverse-dump, my friends. I tried to be friends with her afterwards (I'm never usually friends with an ex, but she was special to me so I tried to make an exception) but I couldn't, I kept bringing up the past, and it was killing our communication. I went NC and removed her from all social media...but after seeing how she handled things...am I emotionally immature? Does doing NC mean I am lacking social maturity? Also, because I was "reverse dumped" and I went NC should I make contact first after I'm done healing or should I wait? The way she told me about the new guy, I feel, was very disrespectful, and we were on LDR...I really want to be her friend, but after that incident, I feel like contacting her again would be awkward, because it's like a dog coming back with his tail between his legs...but I technically broke us up...I don't know what she was trying to achieve by telling me all these incredibly detailed descriptions about how I suck as a bf. Anyways, any opinions? Edited September 16, 2010 by isitreal
Don Ho Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 LOL. People always want what you can't have and what you want you don't want! Sorry Bro, but she met someone and moved on. You're done. You said you didn't like her traits and that's why you broke up with her. Then when she meets someone you get interested. Not to make light of your situation, but you did dump her. Move on and forget about her.
TaraMaiden Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Cool it, leave it, forget it, drop it, move on. Best thing bud. You dumped her. She's moved on to bigger, better brighter things (in her view). Take it as read - you are history, and it was yours in the making. Now she's taken you at your word, so you'd better do the same. Say what you mean, mean what you say - and stick with it.
Author isitreal Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 (edited) Thanks for the reply guys. Yes, I know it's over, but that wasn't my real question. My question was more for future relationships and friendships with exes. In your own opinions is going NC something we do because we're not emotional mature, or is it a legit mechanism to employ for ending a relationship? I'd like to grow from my relationships and was wondering if NC should be a last resort kind of thing, or if it's just healthy to do in general. Also, I mean, I think it was a bad breakup, but it wasn't apocalypse now. After I'm done healing, I'd actually like to be friends with this girl...is that too much to ask, should I even bother finding out? I mean, this girl is friends with all her exes (I may be the first non-friend ex). I, on the other hand, find it difficult to be friends with exes and usually just cut them out of my life. ...I'm just trying to grow and gain some emotional maturity through my relationships (so at least all is not lost) and was wondering if how she handles breakups (being friends with ex, possibly by staying in contact) is actually taking the higher road and the more mature way of dealing with a breakup instead of NC. Also, MAINLY FOR THE FEMALES. How should a guy handle a female's own psychological shortcomings (aka, hating their physical appearance, bad habits, etc). We're all not perfect, and I've dated enough women to know all women experience this to a more or lesser extent at some time...what would be a good way to voice concerns, reassure or help them change without sounding like a total ******* or dick? Just trying to be a better guy, that's all... Edited September 17, 2010 by isitreal
Don Ho Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Does NC lack grace? No. Why are you asking that? It's an odd question. She has a new guy and has moved on. It's really not NC since you're not trying to heal and move on. You can call it what you like. I think it's more like respect; you're respecting her and her new relationship by staying away. I don't think you should contact her for about 6 months or more. Maybe at that point you can be friends. That's her call. You have to let all the emotions on both side subside for a friendship to be possible.
Author isitreal Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 It's not that odd of a question if put in context. We have mutual friends, and I don't want to seem like a dick because so & so asks: SO&SO: "Oh how's [ME]... you guys ok?" Ex: "Oh that guys a total dick, he dumped me, started whining like a little b**ch and then deleted me off everything, what a loser" SO&SO: "Yeah what a douchebag/pussy. F**k that guy." It's more a questions in terms of social perception and emotional maturity. I mean, we're all readers of this website so we're wise to NC, but I was wondering if this was just "the thing to do" in general and that we're not all just emotionally strung out...
Don Ho Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 We're really not talking about NC here. I suppose you could send a brief email at some point and simply say "Wish you the best with your new relationship. I think you're great and I'm sorry for how I handled our situation. I would like to be friends with you at some point, maybe next year. You can let me know. Take care". You can't control what your Ex or others say about you. If you were a dick to her, that's probably what they're going to say anyway.
Author isitreal Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Yeah, maybe I'm taking the meaning of NC too literally. I'm not in contact with her and it sucks, but I am probably misconstruing the actual meaning of the NC employed here at LS. I think I'm going to leave her alone for now, I've already told her I am hurt by her decision, and you're right, I let her go, I should face the music. It's better if I give her her space to work on the new guy and maybe down the road if she pops in my head I'll shoot her an e-mail. Thanks for the advice/comments everyone.
Sheppy99 Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 ok first of all. She had issues as you stressed was the reason you broke up with her. So are you really that surprised that she called you to twist the knife about this "new" guy who is obviously just a rebound. That's called her having a vindictive personality. These are the girls who would cheat on you and it would be valid in their mind if they were upset enough. She cares nothing about taking responsibility for her issues that you broke up with her for hence why she would not bring them up as a means to reconcile with you. That to me is immaturity. "I just want the relationship back but i'm not going to tell you anything about how I've bettered myself or worked on the issues and bad habits we broke up over" That's basically what she's saying to you. You are in love with an unstable person. She obv cares about you still and that is plainly obvious in her omg this new guy I've known for a whole 3 days is amazing routine. From an outsider looking in its easy for me to say how pathetic that whole act sounded but it really is. The guy may be totally fake and if he isn't, he's not going to last. Rebounds never do 90 percent of the time. If you continue no contact she'll prob come crawling back to you again but is that a person you really want? Vindictive personality and looks to try and hurt you on purpose? Trust me I dated a vindictive person for 3 years and it almost ended with me losing my life from her trying to run my car off the road. These types of girls escalate as more feelings get involved and it never ends good.
Author isitreal Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Yeah, definitely considered this...she definitely has self-esteem issues, I broke up with her because I wanted a future with her but she is not the girl who is marriage material right now, but I guess with the way things I will not be the one to help her through this. What hurts me is she's an attractive girl and comes from wealthy background. The world is her playground. She's also naive and I think she's the type of personality that would get into tons of trouble with the wrong guys, drugs, etc...from what I'm typing here, it already seems like she's no good for me...but I guess I wanted to be the one to save her, turn her around you know? ...and she hates me. It hurts that I can't stop this behaviour, and because of her stubbornness, she may never realize or work on her own faults...she hides them from everyone, all her other friends assume she's very professional and put together... It sucks, watching someone you care for and not being able to do anything to help them.
durkadurka Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Yeah dude the only thing that I can say is that NC whether it lacks grace or not isn't important. The next thing is, at a certain point you will just drive yourself insane by examining what, how, and why things have gone wrong. That's why not contacting them is so important, because there's nothing left to be gained by talking to her. What's done is done and it should be in the past. If you drag it around like a ball and chain it will haunt you for forever.
Sheppy99 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Yeah, definitely considered this...she definitely has self-esteem issues, I broke up with her because I wanted a future with her but she is not the girl who is marriage material right now, but I guess with the way things I will not be the one to help her through this. What hurts me is she's an attractive girl and comes from wealthy background. The world is her playground. She's also naive and I think she's the type of personality that would get into tons of trouble with the wrong guys, drugs, etc...from what I'm typing here, it already seems like she's no good for me...but I guess I wanted to be the one to save her, turn her around you know? ...and she hates me. It hurts that I can't stop this behaviour, and because of her stubbornness, she may never realize or work on her own faults...she hides them from everyone, all her other friends assume she's very professional and put together... It sucks, watching someone you care for and not being able to do anything to help them. I know all too well about it my friend. It's the big joke now among my friends is that I go into relationships to "save" people. Cause honestly almost every relationship I seem to get into, I'm trying to fix these girls problems and you know how many I've managed to "save"? 0. That's right, 0. When emotional feelings get involved, you're in no place to save anybody because that other person has too many reasons not to want to open up or admit their faults to you or really talk about them in most cases. They don't want to look weak even if they know these issues are true. It's almost like buying a used car from a bad used car salesman that you know has some problems. You know the car has problems, the salesman knows the car has problems but he isn't going to admit them to you because he wants to sell you the car. Sort of the same thing with a relationship. You can't fix their problems because that would involve them admitting they are broken to you which in most cases they don't want to do cause they're afraid if they admit that to you, you'll have the upper hand in the relationship or you'll just flat out leave them. It's hard enough to fix a friends serious emotional problems and almost impossible to do it as a bf/gf. I know it's hard cause we care about them and you want to try and help them but don't drive yourself mad trying to change who they are and what they are like. You just said she comes from a wealthy background so obviously she has a rebellious side in her as well as used to getting her own way. I just got done dating a girl I really cared for but she also came from a well to do background and was used to getting everything on a silver platter and boy does she have a rebellious side. Girl parties like its nobodies business well I'm way past that in my life and she wasn't willing to put any effort into our relationship which a lot had to do with her getting whatever she wanted and never having to work for anything. I literally tried to communicate with that girl and talk openly about how we could make things better and work things out that bothered us and she said "Why do we have to talk about all this stuff, why can't we just have fun" Imagine getting told this by a girl who's 25 years old. I felt like I was in high school all over again. Basically you can't help those who don't want to be helped or accept responsibility for their issues.
Author isitreal Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 I know all too well about it my friend. It's the big joke now among my friends is that I go into relationships to "save" people. Cause honestly almost every relationship I seem to get into, I'm trying to fix these girls problems and you know how many I've managed to "save"? 0. That's right, 0. When emotional feelings get involved, you're in no place to save anybody because that other person has too many reasons not to want to open up or admit their faults to you or really talk about them in most cases. They don't want to look weak even if they know these issues are true. It's almost like buying a used car from a bad used car salesman that you know has some problems. You know the car has problems, the salesman knows the car has problems but he isn't going to admit them to you because he wants to sell you the car. Sort of the same thing with a relationship. You can't fix their problems because that would involve them admitting they are broken to you which in most cases they don't want to do cause they're afraid if they admit that to you, you'll have the upper hand in the relationship or you'll just flat out leave them. It's hard enough to fix a friends serious emotional problems and almost impossible to do it as a bf/gf. I know it's hard cause we care about them and you want to try and help them but don't drive yourself mad trying to change who they are and what they are like. You just said she comes from a wealthy background so obviously she has a rebellious side in her as well as used to getting her own way. I just got done dating a girl I really cared for but she also came from a well to do background and was used to getting everything on a silver platter and boy does she have a rebellious side. Girl parties like its nobodies business well I'm way past that in my life and she wasn't willing to put any effort into our relationship which a lot had to do with her getting whatever she wanted and never having to work for anything. I literally tried to communicate with that girl and talk openly about how we could make things better and work things out that bothered us and she said "Why do we have to talk about all this stuff, why can't we just have fun" Imagine getting told this by a girl who's 25 years old. I felt like I was in high school all over again. Basically you can't help those who don't want to be helped or accept responsibility for their issues. I never thought about it like that...she's going to have to deal with these problems on her own, I wish I could help her, but I can't. I feel like if these problems were not there...we would've been great together...she probably felt protecting her self-esteem and self-image were more important than "us"...I don't fault her though, from what I've seen, she's in pretty deep. I've been angry, jealous, sad, and broken for a long time...but tonight - I've haven't felt this way before yet and I will probably still cycle through some feelings later and relapse - but I wish her the best in life, no matter what has happened. Thank you for all the the replies everyone. LS is great.
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