ouch1121 Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Ok just to throw out there, I see a lot of posts about during NC people are focused on taking care of themselves and they are starting to date after a few months. I just have a question about that. I have no desire to date at all. I am so heartbroken and emotionally drained that I can't imagine investing anymore of myself or putting myself out there with new men. Plus I know that I don't want anything serious for a very long time and I don't want to lead men on who are looking for something serious. I do want companionship and friendship. I dont' have many friends and find it hard to meet new ones and I don't want to exhaust them with this relationship drama. Its hard to keep busy because of this. And it seems like men can move on and date quicker than women or am I just stereotyping?
Billie The Puppet Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 In my city there is a saying that there is 1 man for every 6 women, they downscale that by factoring in those who want to be single and lesbians to 3 women for every 1 man. So it makes it easier for us guys to date. My first set up date is for 2 months after the official break up. However I am still attached to my ex. A serious relationship doesn't just pop up instantly so I don't think dating hurts that much and if it does then guess what your feelings for your ex may differ.
Ajax Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Ouch, I'm unfamiliar with your situation. How long were you dating your ex, who broke it off, and why? I think that depending on the nature of the relationship and the breakup that it's perfectly natural to not feel like dating for a while afterward. For some people they need validation and acceptance and they seek it in other men/women. I'm like you in that I don't want to lead anyone on, don't want to hurt someone. But after we've healed a but we'll start thinking about getting out and finding someone. Don't rush into it and don't force it until you feel comfortable with it.
Author ouch1121 Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 Ouch, I'm unfamiliar with your situation. How long were you dating your ex, who broke it off, and why? I think that depending on the nature of the relationship and the breakup that it's perfectly natural to not feel like dating for a while afterward. For some people they need validation and acceptance and they seek it in other men/women. I'm like you in that I don't want to lead anyone on, don't want to hurt someone. But after we've healed a but we'll start thinking about getting out and finding someone. Don't rush into it and don't force it until you feel comfortable with it. Hi Ajax. I was with my ex for 7 years. Things have been rocky but about 2 months ago I caught him lying. I had NC with him for a week but took him back. A few days later he told me he didn't want to be with me, that I made him feel like a p*ssy and he didn't want to be controlled by any woman. Ok...so I begged him to try things with me again and he said he didn't know but we went back to normal. Even went on a trip to SF, however in the last month I've had a gut feeling that he was talking/seeing someone else. We've been in a few arguments since that one day he tried to break it off but we talked through it. Well last weds he calls me in the middle of the day and says his bro called him that morning and invited him to closing day at the race tracks and he lied to his boss and felt about about it but was going. He went on and on about it and even said he invited his friend but he couldn't go. Then he said oh I would have invited you but I couldn't get ahold of you and now it's too late. I told him that we both knew he would not have invited me because he didn't mention anything in the 30 mins we were talking and he did leave me a message earlier but said nothing about it. So he got irritated with me insisted he would have invited me and then had to go. He text me a few minutes later that he was sorry I felt left out and it wasn't his intention and he would have invited me. Again I told him it wasn't true as he never invites me anywhere and he said ok well have a nice day. I said something like maybe he would meet someone who he would like to include in his life and then he told me You're so dramatic. That was the last contact I've had from him. That in itself is so unusual as he calls me all the time to vent about work. Not one text, not one call in a week. Last night I was on FB and saw a picture from a new friend he added, his bro's gf. He added her best friend too. In the pic was him with his arms around the best friend and not like a I just met you stance, but a this is my woman and they were are a baseball game not the races. It was not a spur of the moment trip, it was planned and he came up with that huge lie about it and then tried to say he would have invited me too. Well we know that the lie was for me and that he obviously would not have invited me. So because of my suspicions he was dating someone else, I knew he wouldn't contact me and now that pic confirms it for me. I've been on this site all day trying to get advice and that's why I threw out the dating thing because I've seen that a few times and know that's not what I could do anytime soon. Not for a very long time but it's also discouraging to see people still so heartbroken 6 months to a year from now. It's been a week and I'm drowning here, I don't know how to survive feeling like this for that long. Sorry for the long reply. Telling my story is the only thing that is helping me right now.
AmysHeart Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 (edited) Hi Ajax. I was with my ex for 7 years. Things have been rocky but about 2 months ago I caught him lying. I had NC with him for a week but took him back. A few days later he told me he didn't want to be with me, that I made him feel like a p*ssy and he didn't want to be controlled by any woman. Ok...so I begged him to try things with me again and he said he didn't know but we went back to normal. Even went on a trip to SF, however in the last month I've had a gut feeling that he was talking/seeing someone else. We've been in a few arguments since that one day he tried to break it off but we talked through it. Well last weds he calls me in the middle of the day and says his bro called him that morning and invited him to closing day at the race tracks and he lied to his boss and felt about about it but was going. He went on and on about it and even said he invited his friend but he couldn't go. Then he said oh I would have invited you but I couldn't get ahold of you and now it's too late. I told him that we both knew he would not have invited me because he didn't mention anything in the 30 mins we were talking and he did leave me a message earlier but said nothing about it. So he got irritated with me insisted he would have invited me and then had to go. He text me a few minutes later that he was sorry I felt left out and it wasn't his intention and he would have invited me. Again I told him it wasn't true as he never invites me anywhere and he said ok well have a nice day. I said something like maybe he would meet someone who he would like to include in his life and then he told me You're so dramatic. That was the last contact I've had from him. That in itself is so unusual as he calls me all the time to vent about work. Not one text, not one call in a week. Last night I was on FB and saw a picture from a new friend he added, his bro's gf. He added her best friend too. In the pic was him with his arms around the best friend and not like a I just met you stance, but a this is my woman and they were are a baseball game not the races. It was not a spur of the moment trip, it was planned and he came up with that huge lie about it and then tried to say he would have invited me too. Well we know that the lie was for me and that he obviously would not have invited me. So because of my suspicions he was dating someone else, I knew he wouldn't contact me and now that pic confirms it for me. I've been on this site all day trying to get advice and that's why I threw out the dating thing because I've seen that a few times and know that's not what I could do anytime soon. Not for a very long time but it's also discouraging to see people still so heartbroken 6 months to a year from now. It's been a week and I'm drowning here, I don't know how to survive feeling like this for that long. Sorry for the long reply. Telling my story is the only thing that is helping me right now. I feel so bad for you. I can definitely relate. I was engaged. ( He thinks we still are because he is not acting as though he believes I have broken up with him) but a week ago- he broke plans with me to help a friend of his ( that is disgustingly disrespectful toward me) to go and trim back some trees. We had not had any time together the week leading up to this night due to arguments- I asked him- when am I going to be a priority to you? When can we talk? He stated: The moment I get back home. As soon as we are done with the trees. I love you. I promise I will call you when I am done. -----Well, hours later I get a text saying he is going out with the guys for a beer. He then continued to call me every hour on the hour from the bar he was at telling me how much he loved me and texted me repeatedly claiming he was stuck with them and had no choice in going since he rode with them. I ignored his every call and his every text. The next day I asked if I could go to his house. He stated: No. Because I am afraid you will just come over here and break up with me.----Then a few days later he tells me he feels like a P*ssy and that I control him and that he cannot ever do what he wants. We spend an evening together and it ended in a disaster with him being a complete jerk. Following day he calls to say he loves me. I sent him a goodbye letter 4 days ago- now I am on day 3 of NC- technically day 4 if you don't count the day I sent the goodbye email. I don't see how I was controlling by wanting him to treat me how he normally does and by being upset that he ditched me and stayed out all night. And I work in investigations- so I know exactly where he was- he did not cheat or anything like that. Even so- what is up with the - When they don't want to feel bad for causing problems in our relationship- they play the "I don't want to be controlled card"????????? He is still texting me and emailing each night that he loves me and is just waiting for when he can talk with me. Well, if he cannot send me a proper apology or show up at my house with a proper apology then I won't talk to him. I want to show him for the second time in four years- what his life will be like without me. He knows to apologize. He also says that me wanting an apology from him is forcing him to kiss my azz. How is that? He did something very hurtful. I just want to know that he cares when hurts my feelings. He is the type that can have a knock down drag out fight with me- then roll over in the morning and act like it never happened. And you are so right OUCH- HE COULD HAVE INVITED YOU! Just like my guy COULD HAVE ASKED ME TO JOIN THEM AT THE BAR or to pick him up. Instead he acts hurt that I did not respond to any of his text or vmails- and he thinks it is ok bc while at the bar he contacted me 1-2 times each hour and when he crashed at his buddies- he called to let me know where he was at. Well, that was the 4th time he had ditched me in a week! Seems to me that the jerks think we are being controlling if we expect to be treated with respect. They claim to want a lady- but really they just want a doormat..... Edited September 16, 2010 by AmysHeart
Ajax Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Seems to me that the jerks think we are being controlling if we expect to be treated with respect. They claim to want a lady- but really they just want a doormat..... Please... where can I find a lady? My ex definately had communication problems in that she had a hard time asserting herself. I tried to compensate by constantly asking what she wanted, telling her we'd do whatever she felt like. I'm a pretty easy going guy and just wanted to spend time with her. In retrospect though, maybe if I'd been a little more assertive myself things would have worked out better. I guess it's not really the same situation, but I felt like putting it out there.
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