Fooser Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 So heres the deal, My wife wants to separate and wants no councelling. Within 5-6 weeks now, the house is pretty much sold, I have a separation agreement in my hand, and just got approved for a mortgage on a new house I want to purchase. The house we are selling is going to close on Nov. 5th. Next month in Oct., my wife is going in for surgery on her leg to repair an injury from a horse riding fall many years ago that never healed properly. Today she texts me and informs me of the dates she will be in the hospital, and asks if I can help out. I replied saying I would, and any way I can. Heres the dilema. She has made it clear that she needs a break from me, and I'm not even sure she wants me back at all. I am addressing the issues that I have and know was a major contributor to why she left me. Trust me when I say that I am working on those issues for me so that I can be a better person and not to win her back. My question is this. Do I help her? Do I have "Sucker" written on my face if I do this? We do have 2 kids together, and I want nothing more than to get us all back under one roof again if it will work, but should I help out with this? After all, she said she wanted her space right. She'll be laid up for about 6-8 weeks easilly. That also means that when we (If I help) mover her into her new house with the kids, she'll be hung up for at least anoth 4 weeks there also. I know she will have her parents helping her out (As they always hve in our marriage as well as overstay their welcome), but when that happens, now what? Thanks a ton for helping and thats it? I mean, again she said she needed her "Space", so should I be a bit of a prick and leave her to deal with all this, or should I help out with what she needs? I do want to work things out with her, but I also don't know how much I can handle her parents always in the way and trying to shove me out. Is this an opportunity to help her out in a time of need, or should I have the attitude of sorry dear, this is what you wanted so cope with it? What do you guys think? Fooser
tornandmarried Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 i say help her anyway u can....its up to you but out of love and respect for everything u shared together, even though its falling apart, take the high road and help her
heartbrokensj Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 i say help her anyway u can....its up to you but out of love and respect for everything u shared together, even though its falling apart, take the high road and help her Helping her out post surgery might make your wife view you in a different light because it make her realize that you willing to put the huge issues aside and be there for her and even if she doesnt realize this anytime, you can pat yourself on the back knowing that you were there for her even when she didnt necessarily deserve it. That shows true grace, humility and maturity on your part!
skydiveaddict Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 So she fell off her horse. And now she wants your help. Cry me a river. Are you really gonna fall for this? Do you think anything's gonna change after she's healed up? It won't.
Enema Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Alls I know is that if my wife ever asked for a "separation" because she needs a break from me - it would be over. NC except for strictly business.
lkjh Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 tough call, on the one hand wanting to separate means she no longer has you. On the other hand she is the mother of your children and if she didn't cheat on you than at least she ended it right. Tell her you can help but keep your role limited
spriggig Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 You want to reconcile, you recognize the need to change yourself--sounds like you should do the 180. The problem is the 180 only promotes reconciliation if she is emotionally (especially not cheating) and physically present to observe the changes in you. My understanding is that once physical separation occurs, chances of reconciliation diminish greatly. I suggest helping with her recovery and continuing as much contact as possible for the time being while implementing 180 as it best fits your situation. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
You Go Girl Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 So for many years you were in the alcohol fog, and you took--not in the traditional sense of being a taker--more in the deprivation sense. Nothing wrong with a little extra giving--call it charity if you must--during this time. Afterall, the two of you gave many years to each other, and years can never be recovered, no more than youth. One thing is for sure--the years nor the youth will ever return. Would you feel better if you called up PBS and gave to their latest drive? Would you feel better if you helped build a habitat for humanity house? Would you feel better writing a check to greenpeace? If not, then help her out. You have nothing to lose but a sense of being less indebted to her.
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