the limbo stage ..for now

[nayeli_forever]

hello,

i'm a newbie to the forum. Have been lurking but today's the day to finally post.

 

Summary: I'm the OW never married; MM has been married for 35 years, of which the last 6 years have been loveless. We've known each other for over a year, friends of friends. EA for 6 months, PA for 1 month. BW knows.

 

We thought it might just be a fling as neither of us have had sex for so many years, however, we wish it was just a matter of sex. Would be easier that way.

 

So, we ended things today, not because we're not happy together but because of the pressure from a couple of other good friends in the group. Neither of these friends are friends of the BW.

 

Both of us know that he needs to figure out if he wants to stay with M first and foremost. He needs some time to figure this out...didn't realize how unhappy/lonely he was until I entered his life and showed him that there are other options.

 

BTW, His children, albeit in their 30s, are not happy about the situation and their opinions have really affected him. I, on the other hand, believe that it's unfortunate they feel that way but they are old enough to deal with the situation over time. My parents divorced when I was 8 so I know how it feels to be in their shoes.

 

The limbo stage begins. I'm not going to wait forever but I'm not ready to hop into something else.

[siuys]

Welcome to the forum, Nayeli. I wish I didn't have to welcome you on this forum...

 

Your situation sounds very much like a lot of the others' unfortunately. I have a feeling you have a difficult road ahead of you if you choose to continue. Limbo-land is an awful place to be, and many are there, myself included. I really hope you are not going to wait forever. In fact, it's better if you don't wait at all because months or even years down the road, you may still be here talking about MM and how difficult everything is, and that entire situation is driving you nuts.

 

If I look back, I wish I NEVER started anything with MM. Not because he is a bad person, or that we are not in love bla bla but the emotional toll is just too high. The price is way too high in my opinion.

 

Although my MM is on his own and is working out his issues, and said he wants to be with me, I still feel he is still emotionally unstable and unsure (nature of going through separation and divorce) and if I maintain this R, it will be a long wait. It's not that I don't have patience, I just don't think I can deal with this type of turmoil much longer (it has been 7 months). I feel like I am losing my mind.

 

All the best. If you can walk away, do so...

[nayeli_forever]

Thanks Siuys.

 

It's going to be difficult but que sera sera. I've never been married and haven't met anyone I'm remotely interested in for over 10 years. That's the really hard part.

[siuys]

Hi Nayeli, I understand what you're saying. It is not easy to find someone you click with etc. You are in the relatively early stage of the affair, I would strongly recommend you walk away from this toxic and painful situation. Go meet new people, do new things. Forget MM. Right now, I am thinking I think I'd rather be truly on my own than have this warped relationship that's giving me so much pain. Walking away is hard, I know, but staying is even harder. Good luck.

[nayeli_forever]

I'm not waiting per se, it's just that my heart needs time to heal.

 

I had a very full life before him and while he's sorting out his stuff, I will continue with my life as such.

 

Thanks guys.

Edited September 15, 2010 by nayeli_forever

[nayeli_forever]

I just learned that one of the friends from our circle is circulating false information about me, perhaps to get the MM thinking I'm not the person I claim to be. I have also only known this friend for only a year.

 

While the fact remains that the MM needs to figure his life out, I am very disturbed by these hurtful sabotage attempts.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you are able to get over him and heal.

 

35 years vs 6 months. Sorry to be blunt, but this man isn't going to give up everything he knows and is comfortable with. Ofcourse his kids, even if they are adults, have crossed his mind and they are part of the decision process in his mind. Grandkids, the inlaws, their whole life together.

 

Did you two get caught or did he tell his wife the truth? Just wondering how she found out.

[nayeli_forever]

He told his wife.

[MizzBlue72]

Welcome Nayeli. I hope you find peace and happiness.

This board is pretty good to get advice from.

I know what it is like to be in the limbo stage.

Take care of you.

I'm sure he will take care of himself. Good luck - please keep posting!!

[nayeli_forever]

It's very easy for everyone to say in hindsight, 'i wish i had never gotten involved with MM' but the fact is you did, just like i did.

 

No one plans for the feelings to develop, they just do, especially if you're ready to receive them.

[MizzBlue72]

Oh yes- you are so right!!

It is easy for people to say 'nooooo!! do not do it!!'''

 

I don't think people are doing this to be mean. I think they are trying to help others.

It has hurt - a LOT. It has hurt me soooo much. And him too.

 

We are both now divorced .... and it's still hard. I think people aren't saying these things to be mean. They want to try and help you if they can.

 

He will figure things out - and you will too. If you are anything like I am - you will wait for him. It's not a bad thing to do - just really REALLY hard.

I've fought and lost friends and family over this. Morally - OW are not looked upon in a good light. I wish morales were changed - but cheating - people really do not like the one who is the 'single' partner coming in. Even if the marriage was already over when we did come in.

 

Good luck. If you really do love him - he will be back.

[bentnotbroken]

hello,

i'm a newbie to the forum. Have been lurking but today's the day to finally post.

 

Summary: I'm the OW never married; MM has been married for 35 years, of which the last 6 years have been loveless. We've known each other for over a year, friends of friends. EA for 6 months, PA for 1 month. BW knows.

 

We thought it might just be a fling as neither of us have had sex for so many years, however, we wish it was just a matter of sex. Would be easier that way.

 

So, we ended things today, not because we're not happy together but because of the pressure from a couple of other good friends in the group. Neither of these friends are friends of the BW.

 

Both of us know that he needs to figure out if he wants to stay with M first and foremost. He needs some time to figure this out...didn't realize how unhappy/lonely he was until I entered his life and showed him that there are other options.

 

BTW, His children, albeit in their 30s, are not happy about the situation and their opinions have really affected him. I, on the other hand, believe that it's unfortunate they feel that way but they are old enough to deal with the situation over time. My parents divorced when I was 8 so I know how it feels to be in their shoes.

 

The limbo stage begins. I'm not going to wait forever but I'm not ready to hop into something else.

 

 

You have no idea how it feels to be in there shoes. You seem pretty dismissive of their feelings. Just because your parents divorced when you were 8 does not make you anywhere near qualified enough to say you know how they feel. You don't know what the family dynamic is. You have no idea what their relationship with him is like. You know what you have been told and what you want to see. That's an entirely different viewpoint than reality.

 

I know what it is like to bury a parent. I have know clue what it is like to for others to lose a parent because each relationship is different. Yes, 30 is old enough to deal with any situation over time. Sometimes that is not dealing with it at all or making sure that the offending party knows just how much one is disappointed in behavior.

 

So they are grown, no need to stay home for the children. What's the justification for staying with a woman he hasn't had sex with in years?

[Silly_Girl]

Oh yes- you are so right!!

It is easy for people to say 'nooooo!! do not do it!!'''

 

I don't think people are doing this to be mean. I think they are trying to help others.

It has hurt - a LOT. It has hurt me soooo much. And him too.

 

We are both now divorced .... and it's still hard.

 

MB - I don't want to t/j so I wondered if maybe one day, in another post, you would give us the benefit of your experience. You two moved on from your relationships in to a relationship of your own. You say it's still hard, I was curious how, why, and what (if anything) you're able to do about those issues?

 

</threadjack ends>

[WowReally]

hello,

i'm a newbie to the forum. Have been lurking but today's the day to finally post.

 

Summary: I'm the OW never married; MM has been married for 35 years, of which the last 6 years have been loveless. We've known each other for over a year, friends of friends. EA for 6 months, PA for 1 month. BW knows.

 

We thought it might just be a fling as neither of us have had sex for so many years, however, we wish it was just a matter of sex. Would be easier that way.

 

So, we ended things today, not because we're not happy together but because of the pressure from a couple of other good friends in the group. Neither of these friends are friends of the BW.

 

Both of us know that he needs to figure out if he wants to stay with M first and foremost. He needs some time to figure this out...didn't realize how unhappy/lonely he was until I entered his life and showed him that there are other options.

 

BTW, His children, albeit in their 30s, are not happy about the situation and their opinions have really affected him. I, on the other hand, believe that it's unfortunate they feel that way but they are old enough to deal with the situation over time. My parents divorced when I was 8 so I know how it feels to be in their shoes.

 

The limbo stage begins. I'm not going to wait forever but I'm not ready to hop into something else.

 

 

Welcome - another situation we can all related to one level or another. This is a great place to vent so vent away!

[nayeli_forever]

bentnotbroken: "What's the justification for staying with a woman he hasn't had sex with in years?"

 

Exactly the question I put forth to MM. And it's not just the sex they haven't had, but the emotional intimacy that has been lacking, which is worse IMHO. How long is one 'morally' obligated to stick around? There was a huge communication breakdown and the affair has certainly brought things to surface.

 

---

 

MizzBlue72: "Good luck. If you really do love him - he will be back."

 

I would think that it's more of a case of, if he really loves me, he will be back.

 

---

 

update: received threatening phone call from BW to stay the hell away from H.

 

I was once in a long-term relationship myself in which my SO cheated. I blamed the OW for everything too...natural tendency. When in fact, it really was about my SO but I couldn't see that right away.

 

Like so many of us, I never intended to be an OW myself, shiite happens.

[greengoddess]

Wow they've been married 35 years. He must be fairly old. I'm just curious what the age difference is with the two of you.

 

I'm assuming you are younger and that's why you believe the sex suddenly dried up six years ago. I can't imagine having a sex life for 29 years and then it just suddenly ending.

 

So what did you say to his wife when she told you to stay away?

 

Have you read about hysterical bonding? You may want to read about it. He probably felt unloved and underappreciated and is now realizing how much his wife does love him as she fights for him.

 

You should move on for your sanilty's sake. The mm often will lead both the ow and wife on for a long time playing both so one is back up when one doesn't work out.

[greengoddess]

I was once in a long-term relationship myself in which my SO cheated. I blamed the OW for everything too...natural tendency. When in fact, it really was about my SO but I couldn't see that right away.

 

Like so many of us, I never intended to be an OW myself, shiite happens.

 

 

wow so you know the pain and you are willing to put a woman in a 35 year marriage through this?

[whichwayisup]

She's told you to back off and leave her H alone, I highly look at that as "just" blaming you. She feels threatened, rightfully so.

 

I do hope you respect her wishes and leave him alone.

 

Again 35 years vs 6 months. Keep that in mind and have some sympathy and empathy for her. Imagine YOU being married for someone so long and finding out he cheated on you after such a long history together. Her world has been turned upside, reguardlesss of their non sex, or communication issues, what he did to her is wrong.

 

Sh.it just doesn't happen. It's a choice, a continuous choice to allow yourself to fall for someone who is married.

[nayeli_forever]

I will get flack for this but I do not feel responsible at all for the wife's feelings of betrayal. How can I betray a person I have no friendship with? For the sake of Womanhood in general?

 

I also believe that a 35 year marriage is just as susceptible to breakdown as a 5 year marriage. The number of years spent together does not equate a happy and successful relationship. Been there, done that (albeit for 10 years, not 35).

 

Just to repeat, MM and I have ended things.

[whichwayisup]

Then move on and let the grieving and healing begin. Stay in NC mode.

 

Keep in mind one day YOU may be married and after so many years of marriage, you could end up being the betrayed spouse, you might look back and wish you had abit more empathy for his wife, realizing you were helping a MM cheat on his wife. You are not responsible for their marriage, but YOU responsible for helping him betray her in the worst way possible. An affair partner isn't an innocent bystander.

 

And yes, a case of womenhood. Human kind. To be aware of the fact that you had part in helping ruin someone's marriage shouldn't be something to proud of.

[ladydesigner]

Then move on and let the grieving and healing begin. Stay in NC mode.

 

Keep in mind one day YOU may be married and after so many years of marriage, you could end up being the betrayed spouse, you might look back and wish you had abit more empathy for his wife, realizing you were helping a MM cheat on his wife. You are not responsible for their marriage, but YOU responsible for helping him betray her in the worst way possible. An affair partner isn't an innocent bystander.

 

And yes, a case of womenhood. Human kind. To be aware of the fact that you had part in helping ruin someone's marriage shouldn't be something to proud of.

 

Very great post WWIS. I just will never understand how one does not have empathy for another regardless of what is happening IMO.

[Mimolicious]

I will get flack for this but I do not feel responsible at all for the wife's feelings of betrayal. How can I betray a person I have no friendship with? For the sake of Womanhood in general?

 

I also believe that a 35 year marriage is just as susceptible to breakdown as a 5 year marriage. The number of years spent together does not equate a happy and successful relationship. Been there, done that (albeit for 10 years, not 35).

 

Just to repeat, MM and I have ended things.

 

 

Whoa! Word of advice- don't be in a serious R... ever! Karma has 2 way ticket and yet always on stand-by mode.

 

You seem very unapologetic, if so then own it. Hope that one day you are not married for yrs and take it this lightly when another woman enters the chamber. OH but you already know this...

 

I have a feeling that your MM minimized his situation, got caught and now his W is laying the smack-down. If she didn't have any "connection" to her H and her M is so dead, why would she call you and threaten you? Think about it. You think your MM was 100 with you.

 

Out of curiosity- what is the 'common friend' saying about you? You think your MM ended things because of what someone else told him?

[Mimolicious]

So, we ended things today, not because we're not happy together but because of the pressure from a couple of other good friends in the group. Neither of these friends are friends of the BW.

 

.

 

This sounds a bit off...

 

His friends are your friends but not his W of 35yrs?

[nayeli_forever]

Neither of these friends are friends of the BW.

Yes, this is true. H and W have different interests and W has never hung around with us, in fact, common friend had been telling MM to be rid of W for years.

 

I know I sound cold and callous and non-empathetic to most of you (all of you) but I do not feel responsible for her feelings at all. IC taught me to own my feelings only, not someone else's. My previous experience as a BSO taught me to not blame the OW but the WSO.

Edited September 16, 2010 by nayeli_forever

[greengoddess]

You never answered your age difference. I'm realy curious about that.

 

So I wonder if they stopped having sex 6 years ago because his wife had other interests and found someone herself. I wonder if her friends tell her she should have gotten rid of her husband years ago.