Why am I so worried that it is another girl? :(

[TearsofHope]

Very long, sorry, but I need advice, opinions, anything.

 

2 months ago, my ex boyfriend broke up with me. I have been with him for 5 years. I may had started seeing signs of him not putting much effort probably a few weeks before he broke up with me, but I was in total shock. Our relationship was very easy going, everything was completely happy go lucky and then BAM, I get dumped. I am thinking it all started when one day because I didn't have sex with him, and keeps saying " he felt that I didn't love him as much as he loves me", so 4 days later he broke up with me by phone. The day after, he immediately shut me out of his life by not ever seeing me ever again. Ignored my texts to talk or even to see him, he wanted nothing to do with me in the sense of a relationship. He just kept in touch by contacting me thru mainly text and some phone calls acting as if we were never ever in a relationship. I questioned him numerous times was he seeing someone else, but he kept saying there is no one and that he felt "I didn't love him as much as he loved me". I never knew what he meant by that because I offered more in the relationship financially, emotionally, I don't even know what is going on still..?? What I do know is he has been saying "I need some time to think about us, and that something in his heart says yes and something says no". Even had the nerve to compare me to his friends on and off girlfriends as if they are better? We are adults here, by the way!

 

I got mentally and physically sick for 1 month worrying about how he just broke it off with me without my decision in this, but felt his opinion was "the best for the both of us". I worried night and day that it was another girl in the picture which I am very skeptical till this day about it. He still haven't seen me, but goes hot and cold as if one day he likes me, then another day he ignores me. Just last week, he invited me over to his house and tries to make out and have sex which it didn't lead to the sex. But only the next day he acted like if I never went over his house to begin with and says it "felt awkward to be intimate"??? Gosh can he just continually stab me in the back!! so I had a talk with him 2 days later to say everything that I can't be his friend, that I hate what he is doing to me and he doesn't see it.. and he says he still wants me in his life, that he just confused that he loves me and blah blah.

 

To make long story short, here we are approaching at 2 months since the breakup. Last week, I text him and pour my heart out, and he just kept saying "I don't know" and acted like if I was bugging him. I kept asking if it was someone else, he said THERE IS NO ONE ELSE! but I don't believe him now. His actions shows he doesn't want to see me or call me, I only seen him once this entire 2 months and all he keeps saying "I still love you, you are like my best friend, my partner, just give me sometime to think, please". I called, he didn't answer, and I left a voicemail saying "look, you are hurting me, I tried all I could and you keep pushing me away, good luck to whoever you are with because I believe you don't want to tell me that you are pursuing someone else, you won't give this relationship a chance. Goodbye!" I hung up and he never responded to the voicemail. He must of went No Contact with me, so I did the same!

 

A week goes by and haven't heard from him. I figured either he got the message and he simply ignored it because it was possibly the truth about another girl??? I get a text message 5 days later at 2:30 in the morning and he says "I MISS YOU "

 

What the hell? He ignores me after all I said on the voicemail and then comes back with that text message? So I went cold on him and didn't reply to that text AND haven't heard from him either. Maybe he thinks I moved on considering I vanished? But then what the hell am I supposed to do, I wanted to reply back but why should I? He started all this bulllsh*t!!! I believe he is lying to me about another girl, feels bad and that's why he text me that???

 

I've been asking since day one of the breakup is it someone else, he says NO. I don't know why I keep worrying it is, my mind is consumed around that. I'm sad right now because this strict NO contact is easy one moment and hard the next. I don't know if I love him anymore, but I certainly miss him! He hasn't responded since the "I MISS YOU" text.

 

I feel like I may had regret not replying back to his text message of "I MISS YOU " . maybe he thinks I moved on?? but IF IF IF there's another girl, why would he miss me when he could be happy with her? But why would he just text me and not call me and say I miss you? He text me at 2:30am so he maybe he was lonely. I am just thinking way to much especially with this NO CONTACT. I try to stay busy but the thoughts of him are torturing. Its been 11 days of no contact since the "I miss you" message. Haven't heard from him.. I'm starting to think he moved on? Maybe I should of text him and said I miss him too? This dude is fxcking with emotions big time that's why I didn't reply because I now don't believe anything that he says.

 

BTW, all this space for 2 months of not seeing me, it seems like it's his way to get over me, but his mind goes back and forth of thinking of me?

Edited September 15, 2010 by TearsofHope

[leftfield]

He might not have another girl but he definitely is stringing you along with this behaviour, and if he did meet someone else in the meantime he would drop you like a stone. It sounds as though he is keeping you around as backup in case he decides he wants to try again (or it doesn't work out with whoever he's with - assuming he is with someone).

 

Keep up the NC and try to focus on the fact that you own this no contact, you are the one in control. If he wants to move on he will regardless, you gave him enough opportunities to sort it out and he didn't. Let him sweat, and if he's not, then you've lost him anyway I'm afraid.

[Billie The Puppet]

Why am I so worried that it is another girl?

 

Whether it is now or now it will be later, does it matter? It's an insecurity and dumpees tend to show it because they are devalued for another.

 

I keep thinking there may be another man for my ex but in reality she left me so she can be with who she likes to be with. My ex claims she wants to be single right now but that doesn't give me first crack at the whip when she wants to be in a relationship again. She still dreams of getting married and having kids later but right now she needs to be single it still hurts me daily but the truth in that statement is she doesn't want to be with me and hasn't found someone or she doesn't want to be with me and has found someone but has to see if that someone is the one. The way I see it is she wants to be with someone else whether or not that person has come into her life. She may begin to rethink these thoughts as our lives progress and may contact me in the future but maybe by then I will have moved on.

[Ajax]

The way I see it is she wants to be with someone else whether or not that person has come into her life. She may begin to rethink these thoughts as our lives progress and may contact me in the future but maybe by then I will have moved on.

 

 

That's how I'm looking at my situation as well. We tend to look at things like "how could they be happier alone than with us?" So we subconciously manufacture another man/women when it may not be the case. In reality, we may never know if someone else is involved. In my case, my ex and I share friends who know how much I loved her. So if she does have someone else she'd have to keep him under wraps for a while anyway.

 

Our minds can't handle uncertainty, so our imaginations fill in the gaps in information we have. What I'm starting to realize is that rather than fill in the gaps in her story, I need to start focusing on my own.

[benB]

Well it usually is another man or woman, my ex said the same stuff to me, she would never casually hook up with guys like her friends do, there isn't another guy, she doesn't like anyone else, but guess what. She has been talking to a guy who has screwed half her friends and she still is in the "talking" stage with this guy and probably already hooked up with him. If your gut is telling you he has someone else, it is probably right.

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

In my opinion it kind of sounds like he is confused on what he wants. If he asks for time, give it to him...he can't think about everything if you are constantly texting him, ya know? But at the same time, dragging you along is the most horrible thing a person can do to another... and it sure hurts like hell...

 

But I think you should do now is get yourself back together...get your confidence back, work on yourself. The more you text him, the more it will push him away. He knows you want him back, I don't think there is anything more you can say right now, so focus on getting yourself back to your 'old self', try going NC. I completely know all of this is soooooo hard to do, I failed so many times of trying to do NC w/ my ex...but in my situation now I think I pushed him away to the point where there's not a second chance around...and it sucks!

 

I completely KNOW how you feel about questioning whether there is another girl. I kept thinking that w/ my ex...and asked him several times...and even told him there has to be someone making this breakup so easy for him...all to which he replied back no. But it doesn't help the insecurity of there being someone else keeping my ex's mind off of me.

 

But as hard as it sounds, stop worrying about whether there is another girl...it's only going to keep dragging you down. It has caused me to have several sleepless nights and horrible dreams about it...it sucks. I would suggest giving him space and not texting him...but take care of yourself hun, do stuff that makes YOU feel good.