thomasb Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I try everyday to show my wife how thankful I am that she gave me a second chance. This morning I left a card in her car so she would find it on her way to work. I write notes on a dry erase board everyday too. Try to remember flowers often. Etc. What are some of the things other marrieds do to show appreciation? I'm always up for new ideas.
greengoddess Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 hmmm to me those things would not mean that much. They might even make me angry and feel that you were being oh so sweet trying to manipulate me. It's the daily interactions that mean so much to me. The looks, the caresses, the small glances and body language that say you care. The general pitching in and helping with everything just to make life smoother too. Not loading a dishwasher or laundry or what have you out of duty buy out of a sense of pride this is my home, I love it here and I want to do things here.
Author thomasb Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 I do stuff such as that. But, should do more I'm sure. Thanks!
Spark1111 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Well, I guess all of the above, plus: My fWS makes me coffee every morning. He purchases my favorite cream on the way home from work if we run out. He goes out of his way to find a new red wine for us (mostly me;)) to enjoy at dinner. On Mother's Day, he surprised me by having our son fly home from college, hide upstairs and join us at the dinner table while I was on the phone with him! I burst into tears! Every week he brings me home a bouquet of flowers! He is always planning our next romantic weekend away. He tells me how much he loves me often and how grateful he is to have been forgiven. He told me last week that he feels so honored to be married to me.
greengoddess Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 yep the little things like the coffee and wine. Or passing by a book store and knowing exactly what book to get me that I will love.
Author thomasb Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Spark, what a great thing for you H to do for you and your son! We started doing 'date night' during MC. Before that we had rarely gone out without the kids. Now we know what a mistake that is. And my wife loves getting dressed up for me.
Spark1111 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Spark, what a great thing for you H to do for you and your son! We started doing 'date night' during MC. Before that we had rarely gone out without the kids. Now we know what a mistake that is. And my wife loves getting dressed up for me. I love date night too! I love to get dressed up and I love to be surprised...a sunset restaurant? Karaoke night where he sings me love songs (he happens to sing really well) or even going to the book store (I love to read!) I try to surprise him too. I send encourgement cards to his office (his job is high-pressured and grueling). I researched and ordered the ship manifesto of his grandfather's voyage to the US and had it framed. (He cried!) I mean, thomasb, no one knows your wife better than you do! There are a million ways to show thoughtfulness and surprises! It's easy....think, if you just met your wife today and wanted to date her, how would you do it? One thing I learned in the aftermath of the affair is that often, due to complacency, we STOP trying to impress each other like when we were dating. It's fun to plan the next thoughtful gesture, the next surprise!
seren Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I get funny cards for no reason, which always make me cry (I am a complete wuss) flowers he has picked, forget me nots, the other day a violet he saw when walking the dogs, breakfast in bed, a charm bracelet that is filling with charms personal to me. We have always had date nights, I send an invitation to dine (in our house) the dining room is always made pretty, we dress up, he has a menu (no choices, but a menu), he usually brings flowers, we listen to our music, dance, no talk of kids, house, problems, just lots of flirting. The best thing has been seeing his face when we went to a recent ball, you know the scenes in films when you walk downstairs and the woman walks downstairs and he looks all gobsmacked - well that was just so lovely. See, he forgot who I was and he has remembered. I have allowed myself to trust him, he has allowed himself to like who he is. We are loving not because of the A, but despite it. He texts silly texts in the day, and when he is away some that I delete straight away !! When the A was going on, he stopped using my nickname he has for me, that has returned, we talk about everything, he has always opened doors and such even though I am a very assertive independent woman. It's in the look, the catching them look at you and the unguarded look of love you see, the fiddling with my hair when I lean on him. One of the things I did was to move his bloody chair so that if he wanted to watch telly, he had to sit on the sofa. Nothing worse than sitting apart. Just be yourself, lots of reminding each other of who you are and what you mean to each other. Never, ever taking for granted and lots and lots of snogs. Good luck to you I hope it continues to be lovely.
Author thomasb Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Seren, A charm bracelet. Great idea. Maybe with the grandkids birthstones or something like that. I'll have to look around. I like what you said about being better despite the affair not because of it. That has alot of truth for us also.
Owl Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Here's my suggestion. Take a look over on the marriagebuilders.com website, and read their "emotional needs questionairre". Read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. Figure out specifically what it is that makes your wife feel loved. Make sure that you're showing your love and appreciation for her in "her language". Seems like the best way to go about it to me.
Silly_Girl Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I try everyday to show my wife how thankful I am that she gave me a second chance. This morning I left a card in her car so she would find it on her way to work. I write notes on a dry erase board everyday too. Try to remember flowers often. Etc. What are some of the things other marrieds do to show appreciation? I'm always up for new ideas. Thomasb, because I haven't been in your position my comments may be way out of line, and if so, I'm sorry. But after all that time (12 years?), unless you were only recently reconciled, should you perhaps be purely showing love, not gratitude? Aren't you on an even playing field with a new, improved loving relationship? I would be most uncomfortable if my spouse were constantly/still trying to prove he is thankful to me. But he's more than welcome to show me love and prove he appreciates and values me. I just worry whether it means anything in terms of equality/guilt between the two of you, if you are still trying to 'make it up to her'.
Author thomasb Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 SG, We rarely even bring up infidelity anymore. But, since finding this site it has been on my mind again. I was more thinking of date nights, anniversarys and the like. And I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her. For one thing, she's rather fun to make up with!
alexandria35 Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 hmmm to me those things would not mean that much. They might even make me angry and feel that you were being oh so sweet trying to manipulate me I agree with this. Anyone can spend a few weeks or months kissing ass and unfortunately too many women fall for it. Personally I would want to see some real personal changes. Like have you gone to therapy? Have you dropped the places and people that enabled your affair to begin with? Are you showing honesty and transparency? Have you looked within yourself for the reasons for having the affair and are you willing to talk about it with your spouse?
Recommended Posts