Guy I love very much died...

[Lovezen_30]

It was very sudden and a complete shock...a terrible accident. We'd been close for a while, and I felt like I could talk to him like I couldn't anyone else; I could bare all and he never judged me. He was intelligent, funny, gorgeous, thoughtful, kind and very talented. He was wise beyond his years and he made me look at things in a different way, I felt challenged with him and that's when I realised I had something special. Life was always interesting! I've been in love before, with a great guy I was with for years. But with him, I could imagine a real future together, it was sort of scary but really exciting at the same time. I felt such a feeling calm when I was with him, incredibly happiness.

 

It was when I went through the hardest period in my life and he spent time pulling me out of it, and showed me how to cope, that I really fell for him. We were so close, and cared about eachother a lot. But I never actually told him I was in love with him, I knew I was going to, but just hadn't got round to it yet. I felt in my heart that he the felt the same way, and was going to tell him soon...but never got the chance. I felt like it was something that could be beautiful, and was letting it grow slowly...I feel stupid for doing that now, now I'll never know if he did feel the same way. So now I'm full of what-ifs and never knowing. I know people say cherish the memories you have but how can you not think that way? It's so hard He had his whole life ahead of him.

[BeagleGal]

I can't imagine what you are going through. I know it must be hard now to wonder what could have been if you had expressed your love for him. Dont dwell on that too much or try not to. I'm sure its hard and believe me, I have no idea what you are going through.

 

Just take it one day at a time. Surround yourself with family and friends to help you get through this difficult time.

 

Hugs

 

BG

[Ajax]

Lovezen, I'm so sorry for your loss and what you're going through. Most of us here have been left by our loved ones, and hold onto the hope that they'll one day be back. We can only imagine how it would feel to have them so suddenly taken away from us as you have. It definately puts things in perspective.

 

I hope and will pray that you find the strength to endure. I know that saying that things will be OK in time is hollow and meaningless right now so I'll avoid the cliches. Just know that when you need to talk about what you're going through or want others to know about him, you'll have support here.

[mickleb]

So sorry for your loss, honey. What a terrible thing to happen.

 

It is perfectly normal to ask the 'what if's?' but, ultimately, it gets us nowhere. One day you will have the answers to your questions but you cannot force these. It just doesn't work like that. Don't beat yourself up about anything, you have enough pain to deal with right now.

 

I am sure you will go through all the stages of grief and come out of this awful experience a stronger person but, of course, that is one day in the future. Right now you have to take care of yourself and reach out to those who can help do this, too.

 

It helps to understand what you are going through. A book I have reached for a couple of times called 'Living Through Personal Crisis' by Ann Kaiser Sterns will guide you through it. I'm sure there are many others out there that you will find very helpful. I find books are more comforting than simply online articles. You can reach for it at night, from your beside, if you need to, you know?

 

Expect every emotion possible and for months, I'm afraid. There is no avoiding the trials of grief when something like this happens, I'm sorry to day, but remember it will end and you are healing with every tear. Contact a helpline or a counsellor if you need to and don't be afraid of your grief: it is proof of how much you care.

 

(((Lovezen_30))) <--- Get as many real-life ones of these as poss, too.

 

Take care.

 

x

[leftfield]

Hey, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I know I'm a bit of an emotional mess at the moment but that brought a tear to my eye.

 

Keep posting on this forum as you go through each stage of your grieving and even if no one can offer any advice, you will at least know that someone is listening. It's just nice to be heard sometimes.

[Lovezen_30]

So sorry for your loss, honey. What a terrible thing to happen.

 

It is perfectly normal to ask the 'what if's?' but, ultimately, it gets us nowhere. One day you will have the answers to your questions but you cannot force these. It just doesn't work like that. Don't beat yourself up about anything, you have enough pain to deal with right now.

 

I am sure you will go through all the stages of grief and come out of this awful experience a stronger person but, of course, that is one day in the future. Right now you have to take care of yourself and reach out to those who can help do this, too.

 

It helps to understand what you are going through. A book I have reached for a couple of times called 'Living Through Personal Crisis' by Ann Kaiser Sterns will guide you through it. I'm sure there are many others out there that you will find very helpful. I find books are more comforting than simply online articles. You can reach for it at night, from your beside, if you need to, you know?

 

Expect every emotion possible and for months, I'm afraid. There is no avoiding the trials of grief when something like this happens, I'm sorry to day, but remember it will end and you are healing with every tear. Contact a helpline or a counsellor if you need to and don't be afraid of your grief: it is proof of how much you care.

 

(((Lovezen_30))) <--- Get as many real-life ones of these as poss, too.

 

Take care.

 

x

 

 

Thanks for everyones replies.

 

I see what you mean about the book at your bedside...like a kind of constant support available should you need it. I know some say you go through the 5 stages of grief but I feel like I've experienced them all at times and sometimes all at once even. There doesn't seem to be a set step by step theme for me. Some days there's a feeling of not really believing he is actually gone, and other days it feels more raw than ever. There hasn't been a day I haven't cried yet, and it's been about a month. Is this normal?

 

I've had great support from friends and family, but there are others who haven't been in the situation and so will say things like 'he wouldn't want you moping about place' doesn't really help. I can only take things at my own pace.

 

Thank you again

[Lovezen_30]

Lovezen, I'm so sorry for your loss and what you're going through. Most of us here have been left by our loved ones, and hold onto the hope that they'll one day be back. We can only imagine how it would feel to have them so suddenly taken away from us as you have. It definately puts things in perspective.

 

I hope and will pray that you find the strength to endure. I know that saying that things will be OK in time is hollow and meaningless right now so I'll avoid the cliches. Just know that when you need to talk about what you're going through or want others to know about him, you'll have support here.

 

Thank you. I'm sorry too, as you say many here have experienced losing loved ones. This is my first posting on this foum but I've come across it before and seen how helpful people can be to others in situations like this.

 

Also, thanks for avoiding the cliches - being told 'time will heal' annoys me, even though I don't tell that to the people who say it. I know people are just trying to be helpful but

[Lovezen_30]

Hey, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I know I'm a bit of an emotional mess at the moment but that brought a tear to my eye.

 

Keep posting on this forum as you go through each stage of your grieving and even if no one can offer any advice, you will at least know that someone is listening. It's just nice to be heard sometimes.

 

Thank you, and I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time at the moment.

 

I was hoping to find some people who have maybe been through something similar, but it still helps for people to listen and offer support.

[mickleb]

I know some say you go through the 5 stages of grief but I feel like I've experienced them all at times and sometimes all at once even. There doesn't seem to be a set step by step theme for me. Some days there's a feeling of not really believing he is actually gone, and other days it feels more raw than ever. There hasn't been a day I haven't cried yet, and it's been about a month. Is this normal?

 

About as normal as it gets, I'm afraid!

 

I can only take things at my own pace.

 

This comment, alone, makes me so confident you will - one day - be more than 'just fine'.

 

I remember one of the most helpful things I read, in the book I recommended, went something like this: At about the same time everyone else is expecting you to be over your loss, you will slip into a long phase of depression. Miserable, I know, but surprisingly reassuring when it actually happens.

 

Keep taking things at your own pace. If you are ever concerned about your progress through this (or apparent lack of it), ask a professional. (Try to find one who specialises in grief counselling, if you can.) Try, very hard, also, to get into a daily routine of some kind, as soon as possible. Don't overdo anything but establishing productive habits, e.g: preparing decent meals, taking walks or other exercise, regularly socialising with people that help you to feel good, going to work (but taking some days off, as you need them, too), doing hobbies that make you feel good, etc., has been proven time and time again to be invaluable.

 

When someone we love dies, the process, in many ways, is similar to the loss we experience after a significant break-up. There is a key difference, though - that the person who passed away did not reject us. Therefore, during our mourning of them, we never have to gain 'closure' on our relationship with them. We can hold onto the memories of them tightly, if we wish to: they are ours to keep safe, forever. In this forum you should find plenty of advice on how to cope but remember this, as you need to.

 

Thinking of you.

 

x

[Lovezen_30]

About as normal as it gets, I'm afraid!

 

 

 

This comment, alone, makes me so confident you will - one day - be more than 'just fine'.

 

I remember one of the most helpful things I read, in the book I recommended, went something like this: At about the same time everyone else is expecting you to be over your loss, you will slip into a long phase of depression. Miserable, I know, but surprisingly reassuring when it actually happens.

 

Keep taking things at your own pace. If you are ever concerned about your progress through this (or apparent lack of it), ask a professional. (Try to find one who specialises in grief counselling, if you can.) Try, very hard, also, to get into a daily routine of some kind, as soon as possible. Don't overdo anything but establishing productive habits, e.g: preparing decent meals, taking walks or other exercise, regularly socialising with people that help you to feel good, going to work (but taking some days off, as you need them, too), doing hobbies that make you feel good, etc., has been proven time and time again to be invaluable.

 

When someone we love dies, the process, in many ways, is similar to the loss we experience after a significant break-up. There is a key difference, though - that the person who passed away did not reject us. Therefore, during our mourning of them, we never have to gain 'closure' on our relationship with them. We can hold onto the memories of them tightly, if we wish to: they are ours to keep safe, forever. In this forum you should find plenty of advice on how to cope but remember this, as you need to.

 

Thinking of you.

 

x

 

Thanks You have more faith than I do at the moment!

 

I don't really expect you to reply again as you've been so helpful already: but that's what I have been wondering. How am I supposed to gain closure, when there are questions that will always remain unanswered? How can I do it?

[skydiveaddict]

You must be patient w/yourself. This closure you seek, may never fully happen. But this sorrow you feel will fade in time. I'm horribly sorry for what you're going through.

[mickleb]

Thanks You have more faith than I do at the moment!

 

I don't really expect you to reply again as you've been so helpful already: but that's what I have been wondering. How am I supposed to gain closure, when there are questions that will always remain unanswered? How can I do it?

 

That's the point: you don't need closure. Those who have been 'broken up with' do, and they must give it to themselves but you can always have a relationship of some kind, with this person who was so special to you. They have not wronged you, so there is no need for an 'ending'. You can carry him to new places, in your heart. (I know it's a little confusing but I hope that helps.)

 

The answers you want from your questions, you will answer, in due time. Eventually, you will make sense of every one of them. It might be that you read something helpful, or that someone says something brilliant, or that you remember something important, or just stumble randomly on a conclusion.

 

Do not worry about it now, if you can help it. If you had done this or that, a whole different set of consequences may or may not have occurred. You are not a supernatural being so you could not have predicted any outcomes, as you cannot imagine them now.

 

BUT! If you were a happy, healthy person before this terrible tragedy, then you will be one again. Possibly, an even healthier one. It is only those who had issues prior to a serious loss, that might cling to such an event as justification for avoiding what they really need to deal with.

 

Painful as it is, grieving is completely natural, healthy and productive. Part of the process is asking questions about yourself and life but, equally, part of it is acquiring knowledge. You will be wiser for this and your wisdom will give you great comfort.

 

x

[Lovezen_30]

That's the point: you don't need closure. Those who have been 'broken up with' do, and they must give it to themselves but you can always have a relationship of some kind, with this person who was so special to you. They have not wronged you, so there is no need for an 'ending'. You can carry him to new places, in your heart. (I know it's a little confusing but I hope that helps.)

 

The answers you want from your questions, you will answer, in due time. Eventually, you will make sense of every one of them. It might be that you read something helpful, or that someone says something brilliant, or that you remember something important, or just stumble randomly on a conclusion.

 

Do not worry about it now, if you can help it. If you had done this or that, a whole different set of consequences may or may not have occurred. You are not a supernatural being so you could not have predicted any outcomes, as you cannot imagine them now.

 

BUT! If you were a happy, healthy person before this terrible tragedy, then you will be one again. Possibly, an even healthier one. It is only those who had issues prior to a serious loss, that might cling to such an event as justification for avoiding what they really need to deal with.

 

Painful as it is, grieving is completely natural, healthy and productive. Part of the process is asking questions about yourself and life but, equally, part of it is acquiring knowledge. You will be wiser for this and your wisdom will give you great comfort.

 

x

 

 

I know what you mean by carrying him to new places...it's different though. Very different. I understand what you're saying about finding my own answers, but surely there are questions that will always go unanswered? As long as he'd not around to answer specific questions, they can't ever be answered.

 

Yeah, well I hadn't been happier than I was in a long time before all this happened. Weirdly enough, we shared hopes of landing the same dream job in the future, and I've just started getting somewhere with it. He was so supportive of my success, I was just lucky to land that job and he was joking about how 'far ahead' of him I was going to be. Now I'll always be further ahead with our same dream...I think that makes it a bit harder. We wanted the same things out of life, I might achieve them and he won't.

 

The thing is, I've been getting out with friends, socialising during the day, attempted a night out last week but got a bit upset, and have been going out running etc with friends. The other friends that were in our friend group chat to me a lot, and while I appreciate it, and enjoy their company, the connection just isn't the same. Sometimes it just makes losing him from our group all the more emphasised. I had a really close, intense connection with him, and I miss having that in day-in, day-out part of life. It's a huge loss. It's like I was living in life in technicolour and now it's always going to be duller. Maybe I will be 'fine', but maybe I won't quite find that connection again. I've met a lot of interesting, attractive guys over the past few years but he was the only one I felt this way about.

 

I think the main point is I'd found something really wonderful with him and now that I know the difference between life with him and life without him...I can survive on my own, but he brought all the happiness that just made everything complete. Sorry for that huge rant. It just isn't fair.

[mickleb]

I know what you mean by carrying him to new places...it's different though. Very different.

 

I know, honey.

 

I understand what you're saying about finding my own answers, but surely there are questions that will always go unanswered? As long as he'd not around to answer specific questions, they can't ever be answered.

 

Words, ultimately, can mean very little. You know in your heart the answers to these questions.

 

Yeah, well I hadn't been happier than I was in a long time before all this happened. Weirdly enough, we shared hopes of landing the same dream job in the future, and I've just started getting somewhere with it. He was so supportive of my success, I was just lucky to land that job and he was joking about how 'far ahead' of him I was going to be. Now I'll always be further ahead with our same dream...I think that makes it a bit harder. We wanted the same things out of life, I might achieve them and he won't.

 

He met you. That is a great achievement, from what I can tell. And he had found his path. Many get less far in twice as many years, I am sure. But I do get what you're saying.

 

The thing is, I've been getting out with friends, socialising during the day, attempted a night out last week but got a bit upset, and have been going out running etc with friends. The other friends that were in our friend group chat to me a lot, and while I appreciate it, and enjoy their company, the connection just isn't the same. Sometimes it just makes losing him from our group all the more emphasised. I had a really close, intense connection with him, and I miss having that in day-in, day-out part of life. It's a huge loss. It's like I was living in life in technicolour and now it's always going to be duller.

 

Of course it is like this. Of course you miss him so much. This will be how things are for a while but the colour he gave you, and the colour your life had before him, have not disappeared. They still remain, behind this cloud.

 

Maybe I will be 'fine', but maybe I won't quite find that connection again. I've met a lot of interesting, attractive guys over the past few years but he was the only one I felt this way about.

 

I am sure you are quite wrong in thinking this but, please, try not to worry about these things right now.

 

I think the main point is I'd found something really wonderful with him and now that I know the difference between life with him and life without him...I can survive on my own, but he brought all the happiness that just made everything complete. Sorry for that huge rant. It just isn't fair.

 

No need for an apology at all and you are so right: this is, in no way, fair.

 

I completely understand what you are saying, here and am so sorry you have had the finished edges of your life ripped from you. You will find a way of mending again but, for now, you must work very, very hard at not letting the damage done destroy the main picture. You must take care of yourself. Make sure you are as physically okay as possible and keep letting it all out. It is very important that you are cared for right now. Let others do this for you and be as kind as possible to yourself.

 

As completely normal as your questions are, try to let whatever 'sense' can be taken from such a horrible event as this just come, as it is not possible to produce it at this time.

 

Hold on.

 

x

[Lovezen_30]

I know, honey.

 

 

 

Words, ultimately, can mean very little. You know in your heart the answers to these questions.

 

 

 

He met you. That is a great achievement, from what I can tell. And he had found his path. Many get less far in twice as many years, I am sure. But I do get what you're saying.

 

 

 

Of course it is like this. Of course you miss him so much. This will be how things are for a while but the colour he gave you, and the colour your life had before him, have not disappeared. They still remain, behind this cloud.

 

 

 

I am sure you are quite wrong in thinking this but, please, try not to worry about these things right now.

 

 

 

No need for an apology at all and you are so right: this is, in no way, fair.

 

I completely understand what you are saying, here and am so sorry you have had the finished edges of your life ripped from you. You will find a way of mending again but, for now, you must work very, very hard at not letting the damage done destroy the main picture. You must take care of yourself. Make sure you are as physically okay as possible and keep letting it all out. It is very important that you are cared for right now. Let others do this for you and be as kind as possible to yourself.

 

As completely normal as your questions are, try to let whatever 'sense' can be taken from such a horrible event as this just come, as it is not possible to produce it at this time.

 

Hold on.

 

x

 

Thank you so much for your help recently It's been helpful. I feel like I've got worse over the past few days. I had to take a journey the other day, to a place we always went together and I got upset. Over the next few weeks there's things we used to do together, and that he should still be doing now, I'm going to have to get on with doing, and I'm scared about being too overwhelmed about it in front of other people.

 

I don't want to hide what I'm feeling, but I can't be an emotional wreck in public either. I just worry about keeping it inside is all. Sometimes I think people expect you to be upset for the first little while, then expect you to say you're doing better all of a sudden. It doesn't work like that.

 

Again, thanks for all your kind words.

[mickleb]

It's no trouble, Lovezen and I am very happy that I could have been any help at all.

 

Gradually, these very painful reminders of your loss will begin to affect you less and less but, for a while, almost everything will seem to remind you.

Rollercoaster doesn't cover it, I'm afraid and those around you are just going to have to accept that. If you need to lose it for a bit, you need to lose it. Rather than judging, they should be offering you a tissue, a comfortable chair and a cup of something nice and hot.

 

I understand that there are situations where you'd much rather just be private about things. In these circumstances, I'd suggest you visit the bathroom as often as you need to. Maybe ensure you have a picture of him on your phone, or something, that always makes you smile. (Pictures like this can make you cry, too but if you let that out, then steel yourself with a happy memory, it can help to keep you going.) Stupid little things like buying yourself a beautiful handkerchief and putting a drop of your favourite perfume on it, can inject just a fragment of light into the bleakness, too. Treat yourself to whatever helps you get through the day, as long as it won't make you feel bad, in the long run. (Make it one Krispy Kreme, not an assorted dozen. )

 

Do you have a friend who you can be completely honest with? It's so helpful if there's just one person who will listen, regardless of how repetitive things get or how long you need them for. If not, consider calling a bereavement or crisis helpline. It's what they are there for: to help people get through the darkest hours of their lives. I'm not in the U.S. but, hopefully, you can get some information from here: http://opentohope.com/

 

And, of course, post here as much as you'd like. It's a nice place.

 

x

[Lovezen_30]

It's no trouble, Lovezen and I am very happy that I could have been any help at all.

 

Gradually, these very painful reminders of your loss will begin to affect you less and less but, for a while, almost everything will seem to remind you.

Rollercoaster doesn't cover it, I'm afraid and those around you are just going to have to accept that. If you need to lose it for a bit, you need to lose it. Rather than judging, they should be offering you a tissue, a comfortable chair and a cup of something nice and hot.

 

I understand that there are situations where you'd much rather just be private about things. In these circumstances, I'd suggest you visit the bathroom as often as you need to. Maybe ensure you have a picture of him on your phone, or something, that always makes you smile. (Pictures like this can make you cry, too but if you let that out, then steel yourself with a happy memory, it can help to keep you going.) Stupid little things like buying yourself a beautiful handkerchief and putting a drop of your favourite perfume on it, can inject just a fragment of light into the bleakness, too. Treat yourself to whatever helps you get through the day, as long as it won't make you feel bad, in the long run. (Make it one Krispy Kreme, not an assorted dozen. )

 

Do you have a friend who you can be completely honest with? It's so helpful if there's just one person who will listen, regardless of how repetitive things get or how long you need them for. If not, consider calling a bereavement or crisis helpline. It's what they are there for: to help people get through the darkest hours of their lives. I'm not in the U.S. but, hopefully, you can get some information from here: http://opentohope.com/

 

And, of course, post here as much as you'd like. It's a nice place.

 

x

 

I was thinking that, about the picture on my phone, but I have only have pictures on the computer, so I'm not sure if there's any way I could transfer one onto my phone.

 

There's one friend in particular who's really been there. She was a shoulder to cry as soon when it happened, allowed me to sit and talk it through for hours, and has been trying to keep me socialising with friends. She texts me most days too, just to see how I'm doing or cheer me up. While other friends have been there, the support from them has faded over the past week or so. People that say 'time heals'...I can't help but think this is because time helps you forget the sharpness of your memories etc. So actually, 'time helps you forget'.

 

I'll bear these little tips in mind, thank you...never know when they might actually come in handy. Ha ha, yes, well I've out a few times for hot chocolates with friends lately, so that's why we've ditched the hot chocolates and replaced them with our new exercise regime. But a chocolate bar here and there is surely acceptable...

 

I probably do, yes. But they're more there to listen, than really knowing what to say. My friend who died...well he was the only I really told anything to, for 2 reasons: 1) we're so similar in the way we think I knew he'd understand, and 2) while a lot of people are there to listen(always helpful), he also always knew the right words to say and how to make it all better, even for just a little while. He healed me!

 

Also, I noticed your Keith Richards quote I saw him saying that yesterday, whilst watching their 'Shine A Light' film.

[Lovezen_30]

Do you have a friend who you can be completely honest with? It's so helpful if there's just one person who will listen, regardless of how repetitive things get or how long you need them for. If not, consider calling a bereavement or crisis helpline. It's what they are there for: to help people get through the darkest hours of their lives. I'm not in the U.S. but, hopefully, you can get some information from here: http://opentohope.com/

 

x

 

And thanks for the website, I'll have a look. I actually don't live in the US, I live in the UK. There are probably places here that could help too, I just haven't looked into it.

[HeavenOrHell]

So sorry

I've never really gone along with the 5 stages of grief process, I haven't had a partner die but my partner who I loved dearly left after 18 years, and like you said I've experienced them all at times and all at once, there's no particular order it's just a big ball of horrible emotions all in one go. I cried or sobbed hard every day for at least a month, I just did not know what to do with the pain and how to deal with it. Everything you described is so normal. And you are so right you need to take things at your own pace, I felt patience/support from my friends slipped mostly away after 6 weeks and I felt mostly alone with the pain and grief after that, I hope you will get as much support as you need. Your friends mean well I'm sure but 'moping' as they might call it implies you should stop feeling miserable, but you can't pretend you don't feel miserable or depressed, it's perfectly normal, it would be odd if you were appearing happy.

It took 6-7 months of hell, and several counselling sessions, before I realised I had to try to move on otherwise I could be grieving indefinitely.

These things can't be hurried but maybe like me, although our situations are different, there will come a time for you when you will just be really sick of feeling all those horrible negative emotions and you will look for ways to move forward, this does not mean you will forget him, far from it, you'll never forget him and what he meant to you.

We need to go through all these emotions so we can heal bit by bit and come out the other side.

You will get there at your own pace

 

 

Thanks for everyones replies.

 

I see what you mean about the book at your bedside...like a kind of constant support available should you need it. I know some say you go through the 5 stages of grief but I feel like I've experienced them all at times and sometimes all at once even. There doesn't seem to be a set step by step theme for me. Some days there's a feeling of not really believing he is actually gone, and other days it feels more raw than ever. There hasn't been a day I haven't cried yet, and it's been about a month. Is this normal?

 

I've had great support from friends and family, but there are others who haven't been in the situation and so will say things like 'he wouldn't want you moping about place' doesn't really help. I can only take things at my own pace.

 

Thank you again

[HeavenOrHell]

The way I see it is time heals in the respect that as you move further into, and through your grief, you find ways to deal with what has happened and you learn to cope as time goes on. Also those horrible emotions become less raw.

 

 

 

People that say 'time heals'...I can't help but think this is because time helps you forget the sharpness of your memories etc. So actually, 'time helps you forget'.

 

I.

[Lovezen_30]

So sorry

I've never really gone along with the 5 stages of grief process, I haven't had a partner die but my partner who I loved dearly left after 18 years, and like you said I've experienced them all at times and all at once, there's no particular order it's just a big ball of horrible emotions all in one go. I cried or sobbed hard every day for at least a month, I just did not know what to do with the pain and how to deal with it. Everything you described is so normal. And you are so right you need to take things at your own pace, I felt patience/support from my friends slipped mostly away after 6 weeks and I felt mostly alone with the pain and grief after that, I hope you will get as much support as you need. Your friends mean well I'm sure but 'moping' as they might call it implies you should stop feeling miserable, but you can't pretend you don't feel miserable or depressed, it's perfectly normal, it would be odd if you were appearing happy.

It took 6-7 months of hell, and several counselling sessions, before I realised I had to try to move on otherwise I could be grieving indefinitely.

These things can't be hurried but maybe like me, although our situations are different, there will come a time for you when you will just be really sick of feeling all those horrible negative emotions and you will look for ways to move forward, this does not mean you will forget him, far from it, you'll never forget him and what he meant to you.

We need to go through all these emotions so we can heal bit by bit and come out the other side.

You will get there at your own pace

 

Yep - I seem to just drift between each stage. How do you feel you coped then, if you felt that support lessening after 6 weeks? And I'm not sure what to say to this friend if she mentions 'moping' again, without offending her.

 

Maybe I will move forward...but I can't imagine it right now. I thought we might've had a future together, of course I had no idea what could happen, but I could feel it blossoming between us, daft as that might actually sound Out of the other few long-term relationships I've been in, there was I was with for a guy for a long time and loved very much, even though it didn't work out in the end. Well, how I felt with him before we actually became an item, was how I felt with this guy... a strange kind of certainty it was going to happen. But I'd never met anyone like him...some people described him as an 'old soul', so he was very wise...I'm just blabbering on about him now, sorry!

[Lovezen_30]

The way I see it is time heals in the respect that as you move further into, and through your grief, you find ways to deal with what has happened and you learn to cope as time goes on. Also those horrible emotions become less raw.

 

Thanks for this reply too It helps to hear what other people take from it...especially when my interpretation is so bleak! And I'm also sorry about what you've had to go through.

[Lovezen_30]

Thanks for this reply too It helps to hear what other people take from it...especially when my interpretation is so bleak! And I'm also sorry about what you've had to go through.

 

 

I've been having so many nightmares lately I think part of the reason it so hard is because of the sudden, horrible way it happened...and all my nightmares are me in the same position he was, except I survive everytime. Ugh...

[mickleb]

I've been having so many nightmares lately I think part of the reason it so hard is because of the sudden, horrible way it happened...and all my nightmares are me in the same position he was, except I survive everytime. Ugh...

 

Hi Lovezen.

 

So glad to see you're still posting. Sorry I've been a bit busy over the last couple of days.

 

I completely get your anxiety about memories fading. Memory is such a weird thing. I think our memories begin to blend, at some point, so we're left more with an impression of those dear to us, rather than seperate memories. I think, if we have been very close to someone, it's difficult to stop remembering them (which is a good thing ). When we grieve, our 'unexpected memories' can be the most difficult but they can also be the most comforting. Some catch us off guard and that can be overwhelming. However, it can be very pleasant, after a while, to be reminded of them, suddenly.

 

I do think we become, slowly, adjusted to our lives without those we grieve for. The gradual conditioning is soothing. It is the shock, I feel, that is tangibly, very painful. As the shock lessens, we learn how to relax again.

 

Sorry to hear about your disturbing dreams. I do think this is your subconscious healthily dealing with your loss, though. It is sifting through those feelings of shock. Possibly some of guilt, too. Guilt is a very natural response, even when it is the most illogical of reactions.

 

Keep posting. Even if I cannot reply immediately, I will be reading.

 

Take care.

 

x

[Lovezen_30]

Thought I'd give posting another try...

 

Well I've been organising a sort of event for friends and family for him(not like the funeral, different), it's been stressful but hopefully it runs smoothly in the end

 

I haven't been crying quite as much but when I do...it just comes on me out of nowhere, and can be very intense...quite scary actually. Especially when it happens in the strangest of places.

 

But anyway last weekend I was out with friends...haven't really been going on nights out since everything...anyway, I bumped into a good male friend of mine, and we got talking. He was at a funeral the week after I was, and so it was nice speaking to someone who could relate, and he gladly let me talk about him. It helped me forget things for a while, and I ended up kissing him...don't know what came over me, I haven't even been able to imagine the thought of being with anyone else!! He was behaving very protective and didn't leave my side all night, then we parted ways, I went home and just got really upset...

 

Anyway this friend has been in touch since that night, and I think I sort of snapped at him today and haven't heard back again. The event is imminent so everything is quite stressful, he's probably decided to take a step back anyway. My head is everywhere at the moment...I miss him all the time, I'm always thinking of him and felt guilty about that happening...

Edited October 19, 2010 by Lovezen_30