Am I mad???

[shoppaholic]

Hi, This is my first post on this site,and I'm glad to be able to write about my situation and hopefully get some reasonable answers back!

 

I am in my late 30's and married have been for 8 years now together for 11. No children.

During this time mostly harmonious, but sometimes he can be verbally agressive, and has at one point grabbed me around the neck during an arguement. We get on generally, but he doesnt look after himself physically but expects alot of me.

 

Anyway, about a month ago I went out into town with a girlfriend for drinks and we met two guys, one who was single, who I was particularly drawn to. Good looking, 6'3, and body to die for, single, and same age as me. For some reason, I gave him my number, I didnt tell my friend of course, but I was drawn to him.

 

I have been in contact with him and went around to his house at the weekend, he split up with his girlfriend/partner 8 months ago, and we got on really,really well. He is the oppposite of my OH very practical, sporty and hands on. OH has alot of money and thinks a problem is resolved by throwing money at it.

 

We kissed, nothing more, but I want to see him again and he me, he knows my situation and knows I cant give him a proper relationship. I told him I wouldnt want to hold him back from a proper realtionship, but he says he wants this kind of relationship. I am concerned what will happen if me/he falls for each other, he says this wont happen, but.. you dont know.

 

Neither of us have done this before, and I cant stop thinking about him.

 

Am I completely mad????

[TigerCub]

You're not mad. Stuff like this obviously happens all the time.

BUT...a word of advice: Since you're at the very begging of it turn back now!

 

This guy may seem like he's so different from you H, but you don't even know him that well, everyone presents the best of themselves at the beginning.

 

Also, even if he said that he wont get attached, what if you do?

 

Third, this isn't fair to your H at all.

 

My suggestion to you is: If you're relatively happy in your M, but would like some things to change, maybe you should (your H & you) invest some energy on working on your issues.

 

If you're still not happy and nothing changes, consider getting a divorce (not because of this new guy) but because life is too short to be unhappy and just maintaining.

 

Honestly, I'm not judging you, but if you read the threads in this forum you'll see how things quickly snowball and it causes so much pain, confusion and drama, try to avoid that from the beginning.

 

Best of luck to you, oh, and welcome to LS

[Fouts]

You're not crazy, you're bored and frustrated in your marriage and met someone new and exciting, who's more physically attractive than your husband.

 

It sounds like you're going to have an affair, even if it's a brief one and you're husband seems like he has the potential to get violent with you.

 

Be careful !

[YellowShark]

My suggestion to you is: If you're relatively happy in your M, but would like some things to change, maybe you should (your H & you) invest some energy on working on your issues.

 

Excellent advice from TigerCub. Invest the emotion and passion you would waste on "the new guy" and put it into your marriage. Don't remove emotion and passion from your marriage as it will only weaken and destroy it.

 

Sit down with your husband and let him know in a kind gentle way that you are really worried about his health and that you would like him to start working out. Tell him you love him and don't want him to drop dead because of a heart attack from being out of shape. (Don't tell him you are getting turned off sexually because he is getting fat... he will reject that and get angry.)

 

Perhaps invite him to work out with you and turn it into something erotic to keep him interested.

 

Best of luck.

[lkjh]

sweet just what society needs, another late 30's woman who marries a guy for his money and then bar hops until she finds an attractive guy who is probably younger than her H and now is looking for a reason to justify her cheating.

 

Look if you want to live the single life why don't you just divorce your H so he can find someone who takes their vows seriously

[2sure]

Morals aside you have to realistically consider two things that you are risking regardless of the amount of discretion you use:

 

1. Your H has already violently put his hands around your throat in anger.

What will the result to you be when he finds out you are cheating? This is how spouses get killed.

And what about to your single guy? Your H will probably end up in jail.

 

2. Is your H the main bread winner? Can you support yourself immediately , the day after he finds out? Do you have someplace to go?

 

Those are two of the common and obvious results of taking the risk. Some people can handle them , some cant. Its up to you to weigh the risk and decide. While making that decision dont pretend you will never get caught.

[greengoddess]

It doesn't matter what is said. You are going to have an affair. You are already justifying it by saying your husband put his hands on you once or you would not have mentioned that part. That does not justify an affair. You should have left him then. Do not blame your wanting to have some fun on him.

 

If you want to play, you do not have kids so tell him you want to seperate that you are not happy. Don't crush him by adding lying vheating and sneaking around to your resume. Be honest. It will hurt him a heck of a lot less.

Edited September 15, 2010 by greengoddess

[OWoman]

I told him I wouldnt want to hold him back from a proper realtionship, but he says he wants this kind of relationship. I am concerned what will happen if me/he falls for each other, he says this wont happen, but.. you dont know.

 

You don't know... but you can imagine. Hope for the best - but plan for the worst. Can you afford to fall for him? Can you afford to have him fall for you - and put pressure on you to leave your H? Can you afford your H finding out? Can you afford your friends finding out?

 

He - and you - might both want "this kind of relationship" now... but unless you've sat down (individually, and then discussed together) and thought through all the very worst case scenarios, planned for them, and looked at the costs and consequences, you're not in a position to make an informed decision on this. Hormones are powerful, but they shouldn't be the ones making the decisions for you. Unless you're both fully aware of all the potential risks, and the hard consequences they would have for you both (and your H, and anyone else you might care about finding out) and have decided that the benefits outweigh those costs, I would seriously caution you against pursuing it any further.

 

You introduced the issue by discussing your M with your H. It sounds like you're less than happy with that, and so you're using that as justification for wanting to explore this. The two should not be connected - if your M is not working for you, fix it or leave it on its own merits. If you were single and completely available, would you still be interested in "this kind of R" with this hot piece of manflesh? Or is he attractive only as a supplement for the shortfall your M leaves you with? Using one R to patch another can only bring tears all round in the end.

[Billie63]

sweet just what society needs, another late 30's woman who marries a guy for his money and then bar hops until she finds an attractive guy who is probably younger than her H and now is looking for a reason to justify her cheating.

 

Look if you want to live the single life why don't you just divorce your H so he can find someone who takes their vows seriously

 

This is a bit harsh. Nowhere in her post does she say she married him for his money or is staying with him for his money. For all we know, he may have been flat broke when they first met and has made his money recently, with the support of his wife!

 

Shopaholic, it's best to try and work on your marriage and give it one last shot before you go looking at someone else. You may be smitten right now but your husband, whatever his faults, deserves a little honesty after 11 years together.

[shoppaholic]

This is a bit harsh. Nowhere in her post does she say she married him for his money or is staying with him for his money. For all we know, he may have been flat broke when they first met and has made his money recently, with the support of his wife!

 

Shopaholic, it's best to try and work on your marriage and give it one last shot before you go looking at someone else. You may be smitten right now but your husband, whatever his faults, deserves a little honesty after 11 years together.

 

Thanks Billie!

 

My husband owed alot of money when we met, and I was in a fortunate position to be able to help him. We have made alot of money together, but unfortunately he has become obsessed with it. Which is why I mention it!!

 

Attractive guy is older than OH, and I married in my twenties, oh and its the first time Ive been out with a girlfriend for a drink in years, so bar hopper I aint!

 

Gee some people are quick to judge!!!!!!!!

 

Why do you think that my new friend says he is happy with this kind of relationship????

[shoppaholic]

Sit down with your husband and let him know in a kind gentle way that you are really worried about his health and that you would like him to start working out. Tell him you love him and don't want him to drop dead because of a heart attack from being out of shape. (Don't tell him you are getting turned off sexually because he is getting fat... he will reject that and get angry.)

 

Unfortunately for the last 5 years I have been saying this,as I was really worried,but he doesnt listen to me ever. I even told him to his face that I would find him more sexually attractive if he lost weight, some years back in the hope of shocking him into doing something but no.

[shoppaholic]

So the concensus is that YES I am mad in answer to my question?????

[YellowShark]

Unfortunately for the last 5 years I have been saying this, as I was really worried, but he doesnt listen to me ever. I even told him to his face that I would find him more sexually attractive if he lost weight, some years back in the hope of shocking him into doing something but no.

 

So from what you say you have communicated your needs and he has refused to listen to them. That is unfortunate that he is not willing to move mountains for the woman he loves.

 

In that case I would ask him to attend some marriage counseling with you to address his unwillingness to listen to what you need to make your marriage successful.

 

Otherwise it will go like a friend of mine's went. Her husband was ripped and in amazing shape when they married. After several years and 3 kids he ballooned to nearly 275 lbs and she remained active and in good shape. Sex was horrible for her because he literally crushed her - (which we both found hilarious in a black humor kinda way) - and she just couldn't find him sexually attractive anymore. Needless to say she strayed and they eventually divorced which destroyed the kids too. And it was all because he wouldn't listen to her about his weight gain and how it effected her.

 

So the concensus is that YES I am mad in answer to my question?????

 

I would say that any affair is a dangerous path to take that is fraught with uncertainty and pain. Especially with a husband that has been verbally and physically aggressive towards you. Beware.

[TigerCub]

Why do you think that my new friend says he is happy with this kind of relationship????

 

Is that a serious question?

Well, your friend is happy because he gets to have sex.

You guys are obviously attracted to each other and if that promises a bit of action - why wouldn't he want it?

 

Right now, he's totally ok with the arrangement if it were to happen, but if you don't keep it in the FWB realm, and you start connecting in an emotional/bonding kinda way, then down the road, he may not be happy with the kind of relationship that it started as.

 

Same can be said for you.

[Billie63]

Thanks Billie!

 

Why do you think that my new friend says he is happy with this kind of relationship????

 

Because you are offering him sex on tap with no demand for commitment. All men think they want this, many of them love the idea of it, until they fall in love with the woman. And this could happen. He could fall in love with you.

 

Believe me hon, right now he is thinking of himself. Sure he likes you, the two of you have a connection, but it doesn't sound like he's gonna have to work really hard to get you. Not flattering I know but try to see the situation for what it is.

 

You've been out of the loop for 11 years and one thing I 've noticed with people in your position is - when they start dating again/ meet someone else etc, emotionally they can regress to a teenager. And I think that's what's happened to you. You have to try really hard to keep your emotions under control in this situation you've got yourself in.

[Billie63]

Sit down with your husband and let him know in a kind gentle way that you are really worried about his health and that you would like him to start working out. Tell him you love him and don't want him to drop dead because of a heart attack from being out of shape. (Don't tell him you are getting turned off sexually because he is getting fat... he will reject that and get angry.)

 

Unfortunately for the last 5 years I have been saying this,as I was really worried,but he doesnt listen to me ever. I even told him to his face that I would find him more sexually attractive if he lost weight, some years back in the hope of shocking him into doing something but no.

 

I have been in this position where my ex partner was 3/4 stone overweight. I pussy footed around for years, sugar coating my comments. It doesn't work. You have to be brutally honest. They will take it on board and will act on it - yes he will be hurt. But he will be grateful for your honesty.

[BB07]

"but sometimes he can be verbally agressive, and has at one point grabbed me around the neck during an arguement"

 

and what else....some times he sh*** on your carpet,pukes on you.....what kind of fu***d up excuse is that....until and unless he beats the living sh** out of you....i won't consider it an abuse to start with

 

 

Sorry for the TJ, but I have saw this kind of attitude from you in numerous posts. You clearly do not realize WHAT abuse is and your attitude about it is dangerous. I hope no one else subscribes to your mode of what abuse is and what it isn't. :sick:

 

Back to the original topic and addressed to the OP, yes you are treading on dangerous ground with a husband who already has abusive tendencies and if you want to see this guy, you should remove yourself from your marriage first and as others have pointed out, there are so many reasons to NOT embark on an affair.

[theodora]

Oh don't listen to the moralisers. You're just being honest about what you're doing. It's an emotive subject, because people don't like to think about themselves being cheated on, which is why they get angry when others do it.

 

But the truth is often more complex than reflex reactions give credit for.

 

I think some others have hit the nail on the head though: your marriage is the problem here, and you'd be better off using your energy to work out what you want there. The chances are the 6'3" guy won't be the answer, and if he rejects you you'll end up back with your husband feeling "safe" when maybe that's not really the answer.

 

If you go ahead though, which lets be honest you probably will ...then just be responsible for it.

 

Take responsibility for it now. Own it now. Say "I'm doing this". Don't pretend that you're "mad" or "out of your mind". You're not. This is a part of you acting out, maybe a part you've repressed for a long time. But it IS still YOU. You're not mad. You're bored. You're frustrated. You're in need of attention.

 

Whatever you do, be conscious of every move you make, every next line you cross. Don't get so carried away that you go into denial afterwards. This will enhance your chances of not getting caught.

 

And my advice to you would be to seek counselling so that you have someone to talk to about this at every step of the way. Telling friends is probably not really a good idea, at least at this early stage, as you may put them in a difficult situation later if you want to go back to your husband.

 

Get some help. And keep posting. Don't worry about the haters. Most people on here are very non-judgemental and supportive and many are very wise.

 

[fooled once]

Sit down with your husband and let him know in a kind gentle way that you are really worried about his health and that you would like him to start working out. Tell him you love him and don't want him to drop dead because of a heart attack from being out of shape. (Don't tell him you are getting turned off sexually because he is getting fat... he will reject that and get angry.)

 

Unfortunately for the last 5 years I have been saying this,as I was really worried,but he doesnt listen to me ever. I even told him to his face that I would find him more sexually attractive if he lost weight, some years back in the hope of shocking him into doing something but no.

 

wow - if a woman was told by a husband to lose weight, people would be all over that saying how wrong that was of the husband to say that to the wife.

 

Why don't you just divorce your husband if you are that unhappy with him? If he doesn't turn you on, if he is not what you want and you two are no longer in love/happy with each other; why - WHY - give your number to some random stranger and go over to his house and kiss? He could have pulled a knife on you and raped you!! And please don't say "he doesn't look like a rapist or a killer" --- there is no LOOK for that.

 

Please, honestly, answer why you choose to engage in an affair vs getting a divorce? This is what I do not understand about affairs. I understand marriages ending and people falling out of love; I do not understand why divorce isn't the option, but an affair is.

[shoppaholic]

I read her response to your post and Im calling bulls*** on it. Lets break her down, her user name is shopaholic, he says her h is not in shape, but she works out a lot, she went to a bar with a girlfriend and randomly met two guys( I know she wants us to believe she never does this but I find it hard to believe that the first time she goes out she gets a guys number and starts a affair), she only describes the OM's physical attributes, admits her H has lots of money and she tries to cover this by saying he was in debt when they met( I wouldn't be shocked if it was student debt or some other kind of good debt), she clearly does not love her H but stays married and I am more than willing to bet its for the lifestyle, she clearly has no problem cheating because she hasn't expressed one ounce of guilt or remorse. All of this is just superficial and all of this came from a post that was about 15 lines.

 

Everything about this poster screams selfish and superficial. She is going to have an affair not be honest and throw her H under the bus. Women like this will cheat no matter the situation because they care about one thing and one thing only and that is themselves.

 

 

 

Firstly I am not stupid enough to give away my identity with a name befitting of my personal interests.

 

Secondly,Where did I state I work out alot?? I keep myself well, is that a crime???

 

You seem to be putting a lot of words in my mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes, I went out, I usually dont and I met someone, believe me this has never happened!!

 

What have I done to you to make you sooo agressive??

 

Oh, and my husbands debt was from a previous marriage he had,thanks.

Edited September 17, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lkjh]

Firstly I am not stupid enough to give away my identity with a name befitting of my personal interests.

 

Secondly,Where did I state I work out alot?? I keep myself well, is that a crime???

 

You seem to be putting a lot of words in my mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes, I went out, I usually dont and I met someone, believe me this has never happened!!

 

What have I done to you to make you sooo agressive??

 

Oh, and my husbands debt was from a previous marriage he had,thanks.

 

Obviously, I have a real problem with this situation otherwise I wouldnt be posting here would I ?

 

You must be having a really bad day:)

 

 

In your first post you went out of your way to say your husband is not fit but requires that you are. It was your way of blaming him.

 

Im not aggressive Im just calling it like it is. You are just another chick who thinks she can cheat, blame everything on her H and somehow believe her actions are justified. Do you not get that you are cheating on your H? You obviously do not care about your marriage, everything in your original post bashed your H and comes off as selfish, you didn't even have the decency to post in the infidelity forum, instead you posted in the OM/OW forum even though your OM is not in a relationship. You did this because you don't see yourself as a cheating wife.

 

Let me ask you is your H the main money maker in the household?

 

And Im not having a bad day, it is just as clear as day that you could careless that you are cheating and it is even more clear that you are a selfish person. If you can't act with a little class in your marriage why don't you just get a divorce so your H can find someone who values marriage? Think about it, you are suppose to be a married woman but you are running around with some guy you met at a bar. You are a late 30 something year old woman not a college kid. I guess being selfish is just in some peoples nature

 

 

You should be posting in the infidelity or divorce forum.

[lkjh]

Shoppaholic, for starters I never asked for your identity. Also by posting in this forum you are gonna get a bunch of people who are either cheating or messing around with a married person so they like to romanticize affairs. They are gonna tell you that your marriage is the problem and that is a lie. All marriage's go through problems but it is a personal flaw if someone chooses to deal with those problems by cheating. Someone who blames the marriage just wants to remove responsibility from individual but we are not animals, we are capable of making decisions and those who decide to cheat have problems.

 

Fooled Once, your post was perfect but she won't follow advice like yours. People like this have posted on these forums time and time again. She is like the poster forbidden fruit. She is looking for people to A. agree with her, B. tell her its all gonna be ok, and C. tell her she can have her marriage and affair

[shoppaholic]

Wow, what an eventful day!

 

He has texted me to say he cant do it, he was cheated on by his partner and he said hed feel like he was being the man he hated.

 

I texted to and fro and we have decided we need to talk, no funny business and I have decided id like to get to know him.

 

I wondered if he has started to have feelings, as he said the same as you lot in that someone will get hurt.

 

It certainly makes me like him even more, but he probably has a low opinion of me,I dont know that but id really like to know him.

 

I realised how much i like him too ,thinking of the prospect of not seeing him, really upset me.

 

Crazy!!

[lkjh]

Wow, what an eventful day!

 

He has texted me to say he cant do it, he was cheated on by his partner and he said hed feel like he was being the man he hated.

 

I texted to and fro and we have decided we need to talk, no funny business and I have decided id like to get to know him.

 

I wondered if he has started to have feelings, as he said the same as you lot in that someone will get hurt.

 

It certainly makes me like him even more, but he probably has a low opinion of me,I dont know that but id really like to know him.

 

I realised how much i like him too ,thinking of the prospect of not seeing him, really upset me.

 

Crazy!!

 

You are going to destroy your H. Why don't you confess so you can either work on your marriage or get a divorce? You are acting very selfishly and at your H expense. You are seriously going to do some damage