KarmasTestDummy Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Day 11 NC, and while the days and nights are both getting a little easier, I find myself struggling more and more these last two days with wanting to just send a quick text to say hi, let him know he's still very much on my mind and to see how he's doing. I'm no fool..I know exactly how it will play out if I do, so why do I even consider it? Why is there a part of me' that says little contact is better than having no part of him at all? I am the one who asked for the NC. At the time my head was in the place of needing to heal and move on, but my heart is telling me' that is the last thing it wants to do.
seren Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I can understand why you would need to text, sometimes just texting feels like comfort, even if you have no reply, but think of the reply or if there isn't one. Wouldn't that hurt more in the long run? I don't know your story, but I imagine someone coming to terms with the loss of another and finding it hard and lonely. Just to touch base can feel like contact. It reads like you have made a decision and have spent 11 hard days sticking to your original intent, that is bloody good going if you ask me. But that is no consolation. I am sure some OW/OM who have gone through this can offer better advice and insight, but, for what it's worth, and in response to your Stop before you do something stupid - you have said it's stupid, and I am sure you aren't that so stop, lose your phone for a few hours. Keep well Seren
Silly_Girl Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Day 11 NC, and while the days and nights are both getting a little easier, I find myself struggling more and more these last two days with wanting to just send a quick text to say hi, let him know he's still very much on my mind and to see how he's doing. I'm no fool..I know exactly how it will play out if I do, so why do I even consider it? Why is there a part of me' that says little contact is better than having no part of him at all? I am the one who asked for the NC. At the time my head was in the place of needing to heal and move on, but my heart is telling me' that is the last thing it wants to do. Give it 24 hours. You thought hard over your NC decision, so give yuorself a break. Have a timer/alarm set if need be. But simply say "nothing will happen, nothing at all, between now and X o'clock tomorrow". Then go and read a book, exercise, bake biscuits, play mindless computer games, paint your nails, pluck your eyebrows, have a super-long hot shower, dig out your old CDs, browse online for Xmas shopping, email an old friend, rent a stupid laugh-out-loud movie, play cards, or sleep. But don't do anything. If you don't listen to auntie SG I'll just come round and duff you up, okay??!!!?
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Give it 24 hours. You thought hard over your NC decision, so give yuorself a break. Have a timer/alarm set if need be. But simply say "nothing will happen, nothing at all, between now and X o'clock tomorrow". Then go and read a book, exercise, bake biscuits, play mindless computer games, paint your nails, pluck your eyebrows, have a super-long hot shower, dig out your old CDs, browse online for Xmas shopping, email an old friend, rent a stupid laugh-out-loud movie, play cards, or sleep. But don't do anything. If you don't listen to auntie SG I'll just come round and duff you up, okay??!!!? Well crap, that's what I did yesterday when the urge was haunting me' all day. I even forced myself to go out and do bloody karaoke with my friends to fight it. But Dang it, it's still there...and I'll be damned if I'm going to do anymore karaoke.
WowReally Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Maybe there's something in the air because I was thinking about my xMM last night and this morning as well. I will not text him as I need to follow through with my request for NC and he needs to do what he feels he needs to do. An empty text may bring you immediate gratification but he'll never be able to give you the long term commitment you know you'd like from him.
TigerCub Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 KTD, We have these urges because remembering the Exact Feelings of hurt and anger is hard. When we are NC with someone we loved, its hard not to forget about the reason why we wanted NC - I mean yeah, we remember things, but that exact feeling is hard to recall when you miss someone and all you remember are the good times, the I love Yous, the kisses, the passion. Then we start thinking of how much we want that back, and how maybe if we just connect again (talking only) we'd get a little fix to make it better - but it never does, because we slide back so quickly - And THEN we relive the emotions/experiences that made us want NC in the first place. Also, there's this little voice (for me at least) that says "if I'm no longer in his life, he'll adjust sooner or later and move on and not love me / miss me anymore" and that's a scary feeling, especially since we love/miss those MMs terribly. UGH!!! so many conflicting emotions!! I completely understand what you're going through 100%. Hang in there. Take it one day @ a time, and if you feel this urge rising, try to remember how you felt before, that made you want NC in the first place. ***HUGS****
YellowShark Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 If you were an alcoholic and 11 days sober would just a wee drink make you feel better? Or would it only feed the addiction and put you right back to square one?
OWoman Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Day 11 NC, and while the days and nights are both getting a little easier, I find myself struggling more and more these last two days with wanting to just send a quick text to say hi, let him know he's still very much on my mind and to see how he's doing. I'm no fool..I know exactly how it will play out if I do, so why do I even consider it? Why is there a part of me' that says little contact is better than having no part of him at all? I am the one who asked for the NC. At the time my head was in the place of needing to heal and move on, but my heart is telling me' that is the last thing it wants to do. It's the emotional equivalent of picking at scabs. You know you should leave them until the wound is properly healed, but when they start itching... Rather than distract yourself from it (him) I'd suggest the opposite - wallow in it. Replay all those hurtful things he did and said, all those promises he broke, all those disappointments and slights and hurts and all the missed opportunities when you found yourself wishing things were different... It's natural for us to want to forget pain and misery - if humans were not fundamentally optimistic, we'd be lemmings - but sometimes it's helpful to remember it, to stop us repeating mistakes. Hey, it's better than more karaoke...
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 It's the emotional equivalent of picking at scabs. You know you should leave them until the wound is properly healed, but when they start itching... Rather than distract yourself from it (him) I'd suggest the opposite - wallow in it. Replay all those hurtful things he did and said, all those promises he broke, all those disappointments and slights and hurts and all the missed opportunities when you found yourself wishing things were different... It's natural for us to want to forget pain and misery - if humans were not fundamentally optimistic, we'd be lemmings - but sometimes it's helpful to remember it, to stop us repeating mistakes. Hey, it's better than more karaoke... Yikes....I didn't have any of those things to wallow in. It was perfect til the day he said he was distracted by our R and not putting forth the effort he needed to take care of the business at home. So, the NC was for my benefit. I really don't like this feeling. He wanted to cool it off a little not end things. Now I wish I had just fine with it.
Billie63 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 (edited) Yikes....I didn't have any of those things to wallow in. It was perfect til the day he said he was distracted by our R and not putting forth the effort he needed to take care of the business at home. So, the NC was for my benefit. I really don't like this feeling. He wanted to cool it off a little not end things. Now I wish I had just fine with it. He wanted to cool things off with you for a while so that he could take care of business at home? Yuck. Think about that. Think about what taking care of business at home really means. Drop the euphemism of "taking care of business" and explore the reality of what taking care of that business means. Making love to the wife? Taking her out for a romantic meal? Cuddling up on the sofa in front of the TV. How dare he treat you like that! Yes I'm sure it was perfect at first - because he was getting what he wanted. But as soon as you intruded unknowingly onto his homelife he wanted to "cool" things. I think you need to get a bit more angrier than you are. Edited September 15, 2010 by Billie63
siuys Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Hang in there Karmas. It's darn difficult I know. I can't remember your story but if NC is truly what you want and need, and if contacting him will only set you back, please don't. I am on LC with my MM, no really NC coz we don't seem to ever manage to stay away from each other while he's supposedly sorting out his stuff. In any case, when we were on NC I found it very helpful to call a girlfriend every time I felt weak. Just so that you can let it out of your system and you will feel calmer afterwards hopefully. Good luck, Karmas.
fooled once Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Day 11 NC, and while the days and nights are both getting a little easier, I find myself struggling more and more these last two days with wanting to just send a quick text to say hi, let him know he's still very much on my mind and to see how he's doing. I'm no fool..I know exactly how it will play out if I do, so why do I even consider it? Why is there a part of me' that says little contact is better than having no part of him at all? I am the one who asked for the NC. At the time my head was in the place of needing to heal and move on, but my heart is telling me' that is the last thing it wants to do. so what do you want out of the text message? Do you think that will make him call you and declare undying love? Would you be content to be the mistress and nothing more? Yikes....I didn't have any of those things to wallow in. It was perfect til the day he said he was distracted by our R and not putting forth the effort he needed to take care of the business at home. So, the NC was for my benefit. I really don't like this feeling. He wanted to cool it off a little not end things. Now I wish I had just fine with it. Perfect? Really? Were you together during the holidays? Could you see him whenever you wanted? Could you call him whenever you wanted? So he wanted to focus on his marriage? And after being told that, you want to send him a "hi" text? A man tells you that he wants to work on things at home and you aren't immediately offended and realize he prefers making sure things at home are ok versus being with you? This doesn't upset you or offend you?
lilbunny Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I know this feeling only too well. At the moment I am in a phase where I feel so bloody angry I want to scream at him and ask him what the hell he thinks he is playing at, why is he acting like a complete tool (I have a good idea). I know that doing this would be an absolute own goal and vent elsewhere. I have days where I get home from work and as soon as I close the door behind me I break down in tears. I have to see this man almost every day and try to consciously ignore him when he is a few yards away from me and it is pretty rough. I would give anything for 11 days of not having to see him, for him to be able to wind me up and play out whatever game it is he is engaged in, so stick to it hun you are doing so well. I like the scab analogy so here is my version. I picked at the scabbing of one of my tattoos when it was first done. As a result I had to go back and have them go over parts of it again. I had to put myself through the pain and scar myself for life not once but twice with nothing extra to show for it than if I had left it alone. In fact, if I had left it alone in the first place it would have healed an awful lot quicker than it did. There is a slight mark where I picked at it still. Every time I am tempted to give up I am going to look at that mark and remind myself not to. I hope things get better for you soon, stay strong, I'm trying to.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 so what do you want out of the text message? Do you think that will make him call you and declare undying love? Would you be content to be the mistress and nothing more? Perfect? Really? Were you together during the holidays? Could you see him whenever you wanted? Could you call him whenever you wanted? So he wanted to focus on his marriage? And after being told that, you want to send him a "hi" text? A man tells you that he wants to work on things at home and you aren't immediately offended and realize he prefers making sure things at home are ok versus being with you? This doesn't upset you or offend you? My scenario was not the one many of you are describing. They did not do family things, watch tv together, or even sleep in the same room. They lived in the same house but lived very separate lives, virtually hating eachother. When he found out she was having an affair in the beginning of the year he checked out emotionally the rest of the way. Decided he wasn't going to put his own happiness on hold any longer and pretty much gave himself permission to have an affair if the opportunity arose, which it eventually did with me. By taking care of business at home, I mean dealing with his lawyer, trying to figure out what he will ned to prove her character and mothering inabilities so he can get custody of the kids, etc. We had all the time together I ever asked for from him. We had conversations that lasted til early morning hours, overnights together, we had mornings, and lunches, and weekend getaways. No I never spent Christmas with his family but does that make it less than perfect? No matter...I'm not here to be the role model for every OW out there. I came here for support and understanding no matter whether I was in or out of the relationship. I did cave and contact him today. We chatted for hours. It was as if we never missed a beat after we both got past the initial 'oh my God, I've missed you, you are that that's been on my mind' talk. I still know he has a lot to handle in his life. We're not jumping back into a relationship but neither of us want to lose the connection we had by ignoring our feelings and desires to see eachother, so we're not. And for right now...I'm satisfied with that status.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 What happens now KTD? I have a great friend that comes with perks...I support him through his journey...but I'm single and free to mingle and do as I please. We are what we were without the pressures to have it all figured out overnight or guilt to be something i deserved that he couldn't offer (that he mostly imposed on himself anyway.)
Silly_Girl Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I have a great friend that comes with perks...I support him through his journey...but I'm single and free to mingle and do as I please. We are what we were without the pressures to have it all figured out overnight or guilt to be something i deserved that he couldn't offer (that he mostly imposed on himself anyway.) Sounds good. Is it realistic? Or does your heart have his name stamped all over it?
jennie-jennie Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 My scenario was not the one many of you are describing. They did not do family things, watch tv together, or even sleep in the same room. They lived in the same house but lived very separate lives, virtually hating eachother. When he found out she was having an affair in the beginning of the year he checked out emotionally the rest of the way. Decided he wasn't going to put his own happiness on hold any longer and pretty much gave himself permission to have an affair if the opportunity arose, which it eventually did with me. By taking care of business at home, I mean dealing with his lawyer, trying to figure out what he will ned to prove her character and mothering inabilities so he can get custody of the kids, etc. We had all the time together I ever asked for from him. We had conversations that lasted til early morning hours, overnights together, we had mornings, and lunches, and weekend getaways. No I never spent Christmas with his family but does that make it less than perfect? No matter...I'm not here to be the role model for every OW out there. I came here for support and understanding no matter whether I was in or out of the relationship. I did cave and contact him today. We chatted for hours. It was as if we never missed a beat after we both got past the initial 'oh my God, I've missed you, you are that that's been on my mind' talk. I still know he has a lot to handle in his life. We're not jumping back into a relationship but neither of us want to lose the connection we had by ignoring our feelings and desires to see eachother, so we're not. And for right now...I'm satisfied with that status. Good going, Karma. I am glad to see you figured out NC was the stupid thing you were doing. :bunny:
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 (edited) Sounds good. Is it realistic? Or does your heart have his name stamped all over it? It's realistic for ME. maybe not for a lot of other people. But I'm more easily able to be content with well enough because it's still 1,000 times better than my marriage ever was. I've had to learn hard in the past you can't will things to happen from sheer love alone. I've been in his position, just not being ready to leave yet. We don't have years invested like some do, and a few months back it would have been me' struggling to take that leap instead of him. Is my heart still stamped? Yes! But just from talking to him last night, I know so is his. But we know there's some boundaries right now. Edited September 16, 2010 by KarmasTestDummy
Silly_Girl Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 It's realistic for ME. maybe not for a lot of other people. But I'm more easily able to be content with well enough because it's still 1,000 times better than my marriage ever was. I've had to learn hard in the past you can't will things to happen from sheer love alone. I've been in his position, just not being ready to leave yet. We don't have years invested like some do, and a few months back it would have been me' struggling to take that leap instead of him. Is my heart still stamped? Yes! But just from talking to him last night, I know so is his. But we know there's some boundaries right now. Oh god, KTD. You sound like me!!!!
Ellin Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Give it 24 hours. You thought hard over your NC decision, so give yuorself a break. Have a timer/alarm set if need be. But simply say "nothing will happen, nothing at all, between now and X o'clock tomorrow". Then go and read a book, exercise, bake biscuits, play mindless computer games, paint your nails, pluck your eyebrows, have a super-long hot shower, dig out your old CDs, browse online for Xmas shopping, email an old friend, rent a stupid laugh-out-loud movie, play cards, or sleep. But don't do anything. If you don't listen to auntie SG I'll just come round and duff you up, okay??!!!? Lovely advice.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 Oh god, KTD. You sound like me!!!! I Like who I am and I've learned a lot from my experiences. Trying will not be something I ever look back on with regret. I follow my heart, because it's driven by something greater than logic can ever explain.
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