He keeps breaking my NC!

[lightning]

Quick summary of my story. I've been with my ex for 2 1/2 years, we broke up 4 weeks ago(although I only started accpeting it 5 days ago when I went NC). We are 26 and 27. We have had a very healthy and loving, honest relationship. He has some family issues(parents recently divorced which has rocked his world) and a public profile career which adds a whole wacky dimension to a relationship(I won't even go there) and has been extremely stressful and zapping of our energy this year.

 

I am his first girlfriend and a few times during our 2 1/2 years he's questioned whether we are 'it' and has considered ending us. I know some of you will say I should have run away then but I always have loved how he discussed this with me and we worked it out, it's like we take a step back then 2 forward. I have at times felt like I talked him into it but he has always proved himself and shown me he wants to be in the relationship.

 

Anyway, before the break up I'd been on holidays and the week after I was back, we were great, all over each other and more in love then ever. Then one night he said a few things to me that reminded him of how his father treated his mother and he freaked out and said he couldn't give me what I deserve and want and broke up with me to sort himself out. He said he knows he can't tell me to wait and hates the thought of me moving on but has to do this.

 

I agree with him. I don't think he's sure about me/us and I want to be with someone who is sure. Because he has done this before I kind of didn't believe him and have hung around the last 4 weeks waiting for him to take it back.... which he hasn't. I have been very aloof and doing LC, only when he initiates contact responding type thing.

 

I decided to go full NC 5 days ago when he said he wanted to go to a work event without me which to me mean't he was ready to tell the world we're not together and this was the end of me hanging on - I accepted is serious about being broken up this time. We've always said we didn't want to be an on and off again couple so him being ok for everyone to know we're off means he's serious. From friends I've heard he got plastered and spent the whole night being grumpy and didn't tell anyone why I wasn't there. It was an emotional night for him and think having me there would of made it hard because we are going through our own emotional stuff.

 

So since then in 5 days of my NC, he has tried to play a online game with me(I ignored), texted me about mail at his place(i replied to throw it out coz I had the details of what the mail was and didnt reply to the 'how's things?' question) and 2 days later tonight he sent a text saying 'how are u? how's everything? how's work? hope you're well' and I don't know what to do. At this stage I haven't replied and its been 6 hours. I dont even know what to say coz the thought of replying then waiting for his reply makes me feel sick in my tummy, if he replied something like he wanted keys back to his house or something I'd be shattered but I'm worried he's throwing a line out to see if I'll still talk to him. I decided the only conditions I'll speak to him is if he says he misses me, made a mistake, regrets his decision, will do anything to make it work, etc... but what if this is an attempt to start this convo and if I ignore him, he'll think I hate him and give up... I know he's so low in his life right now and I feel horrible that he might be feeling horrible but I've been suffering for 4 weeks because of his decision. I have never ignored a message from him and am scared to start now, like it'll lead to game playing. Surely if he wants to be with me, he'll try again?? I know that if he doesn't I deserve better but I really feel like our breakup was an overreaction and now he doesn't know how to undo it....

HELP! Is anyone in a similiar situation or have any advice? Sorry this ended up like a novel!

[Don Ho]

Sista, there's a saying, "when it's easy, it's right". Of course meaning, in your case, when love and a relationship is easy it is the right one. Sounds like there's too much turmoil in this relationship and maybe it's not the right one for you ... or him. Maybe he has too many issues or problems to overcome. You never want to try to have a relationship with a "fixer" or a "project". Go find one that is already fixed or was never broken!!

 

I think you're handling the situation exactly as you should; he cannot have it both ways, not commit or be in a relationship with you AND just keep you hanging on because it's comfortable for him or because it's what HE wants. I have to commend you on how you have been acting with his contact. I think you should continue NC, consider he is not the right guy for you, work on yourself and move on.

[Lost Fish]

lightning,

 

I have to agree with Don Ho here. You should be commended for the tricky maneuvering through the situation so far.

 

Take heart that he is enduring the pain of being away from you right now as well.

 

Trust No Contact. He needs to go through what life feels like without your presence, take the mindset that your absence from his life will only help you right now

 

I know it's hell, and I know it hurts being in this ambiguous situation, but when he realizes he can't push you out of his life and then casually text you "how's it going" he will really start to examine how he feels. And once that occurs will he decide to fight for you or not.

 

And yes, he will contact you full-out if he decides to save the relationship.

 

What you need to do now is ask yourself - how long will you be willing to wait for him to make up his mind? Will you try dating? Enjoy being single? Try to find and outlet for all this stress spinning inside you - pick up a hobby, learn to play guitar, take a jujitsu class... etc.

 

Empower yourself and trust in the process!

 

Good luck and be strong lightning! Let us know how things go and we'll help you along the way.

Edited September 15, 2010 by Lost Fish
wording

[Don Ho]

trust no contact. He needs to go through what life feels like without your presence, take the mindset that your absence from his life will only help you right now. I know it's hell, and i know it hurts being in this ambiguous situation, but when he realizes he can't push you out of his life and then casually text you "how's it going" he will really start to examine how he feels. And once that occurs will he decide to fight for you or not. And yes, he will contact you full-out if he decides to save the relationship.

 

....... X 2!

[Billie The Puppet]

I've come to a conclusion that No Contact is something we decide to do, and only we can break it not them. We make mistakes by requesting it rather than just performing the dissapearing act. Shall they contact us and we reply it is not them who breaks the NC it's us as we reply. By replying it shows them we still pay some sort of attention to them and it may be all they want cause it could validate that they still have something over us. I now believe the only time to break NC is if you can be friends, and have given up on the idea of reconciliation, or if they outwardly say I made a mistake and want you back and that's in itself is still a decision because you may not want them back.

Edited September 15, 2010 by Billie The Puppet

[lightning]

Wow! You're all so smart!!! Spot on. I had been though this before in previous relationship and am totally capable of going NC, I'm about as stubborn as they come and once someone has crossed me I can refrain from all contact. Both ex's before the current one realised and came back when it was too late and I know that even if I called them I could have them back! So annoying really!!

 

You are right about trusting the process. You really have to go into it with the view that it is over. The last 5 weeks I've really realised what I want and don't want and can see things a bit more clearly after stepping back.

 

I do feel this guy is my soulmate and if we're mean't to be it will work out but I am open to meeting someone else, yes that i don't have to fix/sort out etc.... However, I feel like no two people coming from different families, areas, morals, values, ages, etc can get it right everyday of their relationship. Relationships are an ongoing process and with life ups and downs pressure and stress is always going to throw spanners in the works. Therefore, I think it is harsh to have the idea that 'once it broke, you cant fix it' or if it's hard at times it's not right. True love is unconditional and if you be unconditional while putting number one first at all times you can get what you want in the long run.

 

NC is sooooooooo hard but it's easy if you decide you're doing for yourself not to play games or teach them. I figure you win either way, you get the relationship you want with that exisiting person or you meet a new partner and won't care for the old one if the new one is right.

 

I know I never want to feel the way I did on those horrible days and promise to myself to not enter another relationship til I have the balls to state my boundaries and what I want out of a relationship. Walking on eggshells gets you nowhere!

[lightning]

OMG! He just messaged again! This time asking why I didn't respond. It hasn't even been 24 hours since I ignored the one last night! I'm going to see a counsellor tomorrow so am not going to reply until I've had professional advice on how to approach this situation. I'm finding it really hard ignoring him, I want to know what his intentions are but will not risk responding and then him a. not replying b. replying something like 'can i drop off your stuff' and me being left empty again. Yes, that heroin high/low effect!

[skydiveaddict]

OMG! He just messaged again! This time asking why I didn't respond. It hasn't even been 24 hours since I ignored the one last night! I'm going to see a counsellor tomorrow so am not going to reply until I've had professional advice on how to approach this situation. I'm finding it really hard ignoring him, I want to know what his intentions are but will not risk responding and then him a. not replying b. replying something like 'can i drop off your stuff' and me being left empty again. Yes, that heroin high/low effect!

 

 

You are the one who is violating NC. Why haven't you blocked his # from your phone? Do you still have his email address? FB page? I'm betting yes, but I could be wrong

[pandagirl]

You are the one who is violating NC. Why haven't you blocked his # from your phone? Do you still have his email address? FB page? I'm betting yes, but I could be wrong

 

How is she violating NC??

 

Having in her possession his number or email is NOT violating NC.

[skydiveaddict]

How is she violating NC??

 

Having in her possession his number or email is NOT violating NC.

 

 

Yes it is, if she hasn't blocked either one, or both. That allows him to contact her.

[lightning]

I am very stubborn and strong and at no risk of contacting him. It hasn't even crossed my mind to email him and he doesn't have a facebook account. He is not very technology savvy. I don't feel I need to delete his number as I do not wish to erase him from my life and like I said am at no risk of weakening and contacting him so deleting his number would only be to prove a point to myself.

 

What you said does not make sense as I am in NO way breaking NC ha ha thanks for supporting that Pandagirl.

[Don Ho]

Lightning: you're getting professional advice. Right here on LS!!

[lightning]

Thanks Don Ho, you really are wise and experienced at all this. Even though some people might not get what you're saying because they chose to ignore it, you're advice is much appreciated.

 

I want to give you all an update. NC has worked for me to get clarity and if I hadn't gone NC I wouldn't be where I am now. I ignored 4 contact attempts from my ex in the last 7 days and knew I was going to speak to a psychologist so thought I'd reassess after my appointment.

 

What did I learn... Alot! Alot in one session. Everything seems so clear and simple and I am ok. At peace with where I/we are at this point in time. I had been feeling weird about ignoring him but knew I needed to have headspace without him getting in the way. I was angry and hurt about the previous weeks and though ignoring him would make me get over it quicker... It hasn't done that as such but it did provide me with some serious clear thinking time that I couldn't of had with texts back and forward building me up then coming crashing down.

 

So where am I now... Well I called him a few hours after my session after thinking about all the ways I would feel depending on how it went and prepared myself for that yukky feeling again. It turns out he'd taken off interstate and I called while he was on the plane. He texted he was at his parents and we had about 10 back and forth. SO much was sorted out and put to bed and I'm not angry any more. I'm ok. IF we ever find eachother again I know neither of us will let things go down the path they were. The circumstances will be different and we both will have learnt so much.

 

I know I will be ok with or without him. I trust the universe and realise this was all supposed to happen. He was a stepping stone or he is the one, whatever it is/was I'm so grateful for having this relationship.

 

I have no expectations and we made no plans or promises. I feel free, like I can go out tonight and not wonder and pine over him like I have been for 5 weeks. I'm open to anything and excited about new beginings.

 

Depending on your situation if you feel deep in your heart things need to be said I think having some space for a week, a year til you feel strong and then confronting it with that person brings peace. You really have to be ok with any outcome and love yourself x

[Don Ho]

I know I will be ok with or without him. I trust the universe and realise this was all supposed to happen. He was a stepping stone or he is the one, whatever it is/was I'm so grateful for having this relationship. I have no expectations and we made no plans or promises. I feel free, like I can go out tonight and not wonder and pine over him like I have been for 5 weeks. I'm open to anything and excited about new beginings.

 

Good for you Sista! I'm glad you got clarity and you're doing much better. You sound like a different woman. You know the best part? All this advice on LS didn't cost you $100!