Is she still in love with her ex?

[GreyKnight]

Hi folks

 

I have been with my girlfriend for 15 months now. We are both 31 years old and met on a dating website and have had a mostly fantastic time together, she now lives with me in my apartment and most of the time things seem okay. However, I am worried about some communication she still has with an ex-lover, I will explain why.

 

My girlfriend is not without her "issues". She has had a turbulent life compared to my comparatively enchanted life and so I find her state of mind hard to cope with sometimes. Here is a list of things to know about her:-

 

1) She comes from a large family of seven siblings and has a twin sister.

 

2) Her parents divorced when she was 12 and she was raised from then on by her mum.

 

3) Her mum sadly died of cancer seven years ago.

 

4) Her handicapped eldest brother died six weeks after her mother.

 

5) In the aftermath of her mother's death her siblings became estranged over arguments to do with her mother's estate. My GF doesn't speak to all but two of her siblings now.

 

6) In the years after her mother's death my GF struck up a very casual relationship with her boss at the time - a man 23 years older than her. She has told me that he supported her through the difficult times but that she knew it was not a healthy relationship. She hid the relationship from a lot of her friends and family and the other guy seemed unwilling to be seen in public with her.

 

7) During the past seven years my GF has been treated for depression and has also received grief counselling.

 

So, given all those facts I can explain what is troubling me.

 

Every so often, usually late at night, my GF will become upset and tearful. She always says it's because she misses her mum and wishes her family hadn't been split apart. Understandable of course. I always do my best to comfort her and be understanding. However, she has a habit of taking herself out of the apartment to go and sit in her car by herself to cry. She says she just needs to be alone and that she doesn't like me to see her cry.

 

Unfortunately I am not so gullible. Things just didn't add up and so the last time she went and did this I waited until she had come back in and gone to sleep and I got out of bed and went and found her cell phone. I couldn't help myself, I just had to know if my suspicions were correct. They were. I looked at her call logs and found that she had been on the phone to the ex-lover (the older guy) for a whole half hour! I was very upset!

 

Basically I don't know what to do about this because I don't know how to tell her that I know what she was doing. There is every chance that she is just friends with this guy now and sees him as a father figure who helped her through a difficult time. I know she doesn't see him any more because he lives over 100 miles away and she is always with me, she never goes away by herself. She says she loves me and is always talking about getting married and having kids with me, but I can't do that unless she comes clean about what her relationship is with this older guy.

 

Any advice you guys can give would be appreciated. I don't know what to do!

 

Thanks

[PegNosePete]

It's likely that this older guy can relate to what she's going through, considering his age he has probably lost people such as his parents. When people are upset like this, they want to talk to people who have been through the same thing. As you said you've had a happy life, I am guessing your parents are still alive and together (apologies if that guess is incorrect), so you don't qualify for that. I guess she feels that you don't understand what it's like, although you can empathise and comfort her, you haven't been through it yourself (I am assuming).

 

Having said that, she should not be lying to you, or hiding what she is doing. She is making herself emotionally vulnerable to another man, that is a bad thing. If the comforting that you provide is not sufficient for her then she should get grief counselling in a proper environment, either one-on-one with a therapist, or in a support group.

 

As to what to do right now, hmm tricky one. Personally I would be tempted to wait for her to next go out to the car, and watch her. Let her go on the phone for 5-10 minutes, then go and talk to her. That might not be the "correct" thing to do, but that's what I'd do.

[Darren Steez]

There is a problem if someone makes up an elaborate excuse to go outside and talk on the phone with their ex. If everything was above board why not make the call inside. Now you'll be wondering what she's calling him when you're not around. It doesnt matter if he's a thousand miles away, there still seems to be some feelings there and the fact she's being dishonest about it will always hang over you unless you confront the issue and get everything out in the open. After all would you want to commit your life to someone knowing they are holding stuff back from you? A little lie can turn into a big lie, so nip it in the bud, pronto!!

[Bryanp]

I agree with the above poster that this is not good. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been. She sounds like she has way too much baggage to be in a healthy relationship.