My ex is talking about me

[leftfield]

I wasn't going to post this as I thought it would be better to just forget it, but maybe by getting it out of my system I will be able to put it behind me.

 

I was in a pub on Saturday night, standing at the bar my friend got chatting with a woman.

 

At some point she must have asked about his and my marital status and he told her he's with someone, but that I was single (yes, I think he was trying to 'help'). I guess he must have also told her I split with someone a couple of months ago (he's not the best helper).

 

I am not even remotely interested in anyone else at the moment anyway, but when I spoke to this woman, with just two scraps of information - my name and the fact that I had split with someone around two months ago - she said: "oh, I know who you are, you must have been seeing [blank] [blank] (my ex)"

 

I stood there a little stunned for a second then asked how she knew. She said, well [blank] did my hair earlier this morning (she's a hairdresser) and we were talking about you.

 

Needless to say I was a bit surprised to be hearing this. I asked if she had been bad mouthing me and she said no. But she then said something along the lines of "She's completely over you though", which felt like being stabbed in the heart, and then she said "But you're not over it are you, I can tell". EDIT: I tried to remain calm and collected at this point and told her I was fine but it probably showed on my face.

 

I have never seen this woman before in my life, yet she knows details of my personal circumstances that I haven't even been able to talk about with my family. This could have been a massive, strange coincidence that I happened to bump into the one person she has discussed me with. But what if it's not? How many other women know what a loser I am and how she's glad to be rid of me? I live in a relatively close-knit community.

 

I'm quite angry, but also really hurt by this. I also know that the woman in question will no doubt report back that yes, you're right, he is a loser, still pining over you. This has set me back to say the least.

 

I suspect I know what the LS crew will say; if this b*tch is talking about you behind your back to complete strangers then you should be glad to be rid of her. You're right of course, but that doesn't stop me caring or hurting.

 

I've had no contact from her in about a week and I don't intend to break it - ever - not even to tell her to stop running her mouth off with clients in what is supposed to be her workplace. I realise women talk in these situations, but to be the one talked about is a pretty sh*tty feeling I can tell you.

 

Is the universe conspiring against me? *Sigh*

Edited September 15, 2010 by leftfield
addition

[bboy]

Relax a bit. This is your defence mechanism acting. Just as hers.

 

Your ex vents(?) you relationship to clients? She is not over you. At all. She is rather in denial of feelings and convincing herself that she should be over. Don't worry about this charade. It's as fake as it gets. I usually call out my female friends when they do that stupid thing. It's so obvious.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Sadly we can't stop our exes badmouthing us or talking about us. Just let your actions show you are the better person.

[fabio10]

Females tend to do this bro, males do too but I think it is more a female trait. They tend to try and seek approval for their decision to dump you and like to hear other people validate it.

 

I had something similar my girl dumped me few weeks later she saw pictures of me on facebook out on the town with another girl and automatically assumed I was with this new girl, she went round bad monthing me and basically everything was my fault eh HELLO she dumped me.

 

I hold no grudges and I hope she will be happy you should too I know its hard, but try your best to let go !

[leftfield]

bboy, I will TRY to relax However, I don't think there's any doubt she's over me. She even told me recently that she is, and that she's started dating other people (or person at least). About a month after the split we had a brief text message exchange when she said "We broke up because I know we can't be together, that doesn't mean I don't love you or miss you", but that was probably the last time I had any affection or warmth from her. Since then she's focussed on moving on, and appears to be doing well. Lucky her.

 

Nikki, you're right. I'm not going to respond to this, no good can come of it, it was just a frustrating set-back in my healing process to have something like that shoved in my face by a stranger. If it was one of her friends telling me she's over me etc. then I would still feel bad but I would know they were just doing their 'duty' as friends. The unexpected nature of this emotional ambush was the thing that got me.

[DustySaltus]

When someone is "over" you they react with indifference and don't need to validate their actions through others. I'm sorry you had to go through a situation like this. Just stay strong when she realizes that the grass isn't greener and starts reaching out to you again. Then you can talk about this when you go to the barber shop.

[bboy]

bboy, I will TRY to relax However, I don't think there's any doubt she's over me. She even told me recently that she is, and that she's started dating other people (or person at least). About a month after the split we had a brief text message exchange when she said "We broke up because I know we can't be together, that doesn't mean I don't love you or miss you", but that was probably the last time I had any affection or warmth from her. Since then she's focussed on moving on, and appears to be doing well. Lucky her.

 

Nikki, you're right. I'm not going to respond to this, no good can come of it, it was just a frustrating set-back in my healing process to have something like that shoved in my face by a stranger. If it was one of her friends telling me she's over me etc. then I would still feel bad but I would know they were just doing their 'duty' as friends. The unexpected nature of this emotional ambush was the thing that got me.

 

I know. It's not just to lean back, chill and relax. It's rather a digging feeling that sets in with a couple of hundereds of self-doubt questions. Getting over someone dumper or dumpee takes time. It's not just done in a blink. Indifference is the key word, not venting with clients. It sounds rather that she's trying to move on and lacks success in convincing herself that she is.

 

I met a female friend two days ago who started to talk about her ex from last christmas. She called him psycho, blamed him for all the fights, how he just wanted to stop her life, control her, bla bla bla... I just took a deep breath and told her that I don't believe her at all. I can understand that she dumped the guy for some reasons, but the other things she said was just to convince herself. Also calling an ex Psycho - what does that make her for dating him 4 months?

 

She turned red like a tomatoe...

[ohno89]

I agree with the other posters; the fact that she's talking about you to clients is ridiculous; I would never dish out my personal life to people I barely know. Also, this woman cannot simply have a conversation with your ex over a haircut and just KNOW that, "oh, your ex is definitely over you."

 

I know how it feels tho, it's not as easy as "who cares what people say." A friend of mine last week told me that a girl who went to our university who I'd never seen, spoke to or even heard of was asking if me and my ex were together, as if she were even a part of my life. It really made me mad that people who didn't know me, nor my ex, feel the need to gossip and talk about us, like get your own life. And the fact that this girl was also clearly just into my ex and probably thought "gosh, why did she ever let him go?!" not knowing what a complete jerk he actually is!

 

My advice; actions speak louder than words. Now that it's happened to you once, be prepared for it to happen again but this time, play it off as casually as you can, like you're not even affected by her or the chit chat, even if you are. You will look like the bigger person at the end of it for not going round bad mouthing her to people. I could certainly do the same about my ex considering what he did to me but I'm not going to. Why? Who wants to look like the scorned ex gf even if you are?!

[Username37]

If she's talking about you, then she's not over. Morale boost for you

[Billie The Puppet]

Dress in drag and go in to get your wig styled lol, Seriously though she talking about you as one thing. Many will talk about ex's stating your name is another that's a personal attack in my opinion and seems like she is playing games.

 

Why can't people just listen to Serani's song No Games seriously urg. I'm guilty in playing games I suppose because my honest approach has failed but it seems the only way to fight games is play games back.

[bboy]

Why can't people just listen to Serani's song No Games seriously urg. I'm guilty in playing games I suppose because my honest approach has failed but it seems the only way to fight games is play games back.

 

Don't agree. The only way to feel good is to stick to your values, be fair and just walk away and keep your head high. I have no problems leaving my ex's with the jerk label. I'm not going to be one for sure.

[Billie The Puppet]

Don't agree. The only way to feel good is to stick to your values, be fair and just walk away and keep your head high. I have no problems leaving my ex's with the jerk label. I'm not going to be one for sure.

 

Yea you are right high road is better, games are draining.

[bboy]

Yea you are right high road is better, games are draining.

 

I think you should be proud that you give honest approaches. That's much more rare than playing games. IMHO.

[Billie The Puppet]

While I was in LC I played the game.

 

The games I played were prying a mutual friend for info. I realized this was not only damaging but putting our friend in the middle so I have stopped. I am also in contact with my ex's sister but again I do not talk about my ex no longer. I realized my ways were stupid and we counter productive so I stopped:

 

The mutual friend story:

 

A friend I was introduced to by my ex (we use to visit them to hang out every so often) was having problems in her relationship in which she thinks she cheated on her BF but alcohol was involved. She was in need of a friend so she visited my ex (my ex and I were together) I kindly went outside to let my ex and her friend have girl talk. She later invited me in an wanted a males opinion on the situation. In which I told her she needs to be honest with her BF.

 

Fast forward to now my ex and I are broken up. I contact this mutual friend for advice given weeks earlier she asked for mine, knowing she may have more information on my breakup that I had.

 

Immediately after all this stuff I contact my ex to clear the air. I needed to tell her as I didn't want to play games. I told her everything I said to the mutual friend and that I would like to keep her as a friend but will no longer pry for information and I since haven't.

 

 

Being a dumpee I saw almost everything my ex left in her electronic statuses as a sign boy was I wrong or at least when I acted on them was shut down.

 

The statuses were as follows:

"Frustrated Tired, confused, got a lot on my mind I wish I were on Vacation"

 

This was posted a matter of minutes after a female friend posted on my Facebook how good of a night she had catching up with me.

 

"Drawing a Blank, Tired, Feeling Empty"

 

This was posted directly after I was out with my friend and his fiancé (engaged to my ex's sister)

 

Now my ex understands I am friends with a guy that is engaged to her sister so she know's I have contact with them sometimes. I worry that she thinks I contact them only as a "game" to get to her. It's not I am however not going to allow my ex to choose my friends and when I hang out with them we do not bring up my ex.

 

So I am guilty of playing games, as I think she is too. especially her electronic messages. However I am now in NC Zone so games can not be played. My last message I explained to my ex that we can not talk to each other unless we are on the same page be it me down to hers or her up to mine.

 

Thankfully she has respected this.