Jenga019 Posted February 23, 2004 Posted February 23, 2004 I am sure this is a concern a lot on these boards but I feel like there is something wrong with me. I am obsessed with getting engaged. I am 23 years old and so is my boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years now and I havent gotten asked the question yet. I read the local paper every Friday and i learn of more people I graduated with getting married. I just dont know what to do. I talk to him about it and he says he thinks he sees himself marrying me but its not going to happen in the next year. I wish I could just be patient and wait until he wants to ask me but its driving me crazy! Am i being ridiculous? And if so, how can I stop thinking about it?!?!
dyermaker Posted February 23, 2004 Posted February 23, 2004 You suffer from this 1950's-esque syndrome: You glorify marriage. Marriage is not gauranteed to be without conflict, troubles, miscommunications, infidelity, jealousy, hurtfulness, dishonesty, chaos, apathy. In fact, before the much-esteemed wedding night, go ahead and flip a coin. If it's heads, get a good retainer on a divorce attorney. You think that marriage will solve all of your problems, that it will immediately "grow you up"--This is not the case. Marriage doesn't change you at all, you change as a response to marriage. If you're two kids who aren't ready to get married, and he proposes, later you'll find yourselves two kids who aren't ready to get married, with rings on their fingers, and a mess to clean up.
Author Jenga019 Posted February 23, 2004 Author Posted February 23, 2004 I guess I do think that marriage is glorified in some way but I never thought that marriage would solve all my problems. Actually we dont really have any problems. I am not wanting him to ask me to save the relationship or anything like that. I am just hoping for some commitment out of him. I understand that 50% of marriages end in divorce but i feel like sometimes you just have to take that chance. I mean if you have been with someone for 5+ years and you find out a few years into the marriage that you are two people drifting away from each other, how else would you have found out? Should you date for 10 years before deciding that the two of you are definitely a match???? i think life is too short for that.
dyermaker Posted February 23, 2004 Posted February 23, 2004 Originally posted by Jenga019 I mean if you have been with someone for 5+ years and you find out a few years into the marriage that you are two people drifting away from each other, how else would you have found out? Should you date for 10 years before deciding that the two of you are definitely a match???? Uhh... communication? introspection? intuition? Marriage shouldn't be a breathalyzer test for a toxic relationship. If you are two people drifting away from each other, marriage will not change that. I think you read what I'm saying, but you don't believe me. There's a difference between being a "match" and being "in need of immediate commital to a partnership on a legal spectrum" Life may be "too short for that", but how many divorces do you have to go through before you've experienced enough of human experience?
Author Jenga019 Posted February 23, 2004 Author Posted February 23, 2004 Maybe im not being clear. We are by no means drifting apart, I was speaking hypothetically. Actually my boyfriend and I have a great relationship. If we were having problems, I would not want to get married. My parents are not a happy couple and I never want to be in relationship like theirs. Believe me if I had any doubt that my bf is the one for me, I would not be wanting to get married. But he's perfect!!! And I wish that I could get engagement thoughts out of my head. It's also hard when every single person you talk to has to ask you if you are engaged yet. They obviously see how happy we are.
dyermaker Posted February 23, 2004 Posted February 23, 2004 I read your post perfectly, I was speaking in the hypothetical as well. But given your ages, and the fact that he doesn't want marriage right now, it's likely my hypothetical would come true eventually. Why do you want marriage? What does that give you? Free jewelry? I'm telling you it doesn't solidify a lasting commitment, especially if he was coersed into his decision. It may be a good foundation for a miserable, self-defeating long-term relationship. Why ruin what you have? You're 23 years old, just because you think you're ready for marriage doesn't mean he is.
Author Jenga019 Posted February 23, 2004 Author Posted February 23, 2004 Oh ok, glad we got that settled. Well i can tell you I definitely do not want to get married for the free jewelry. If I wanted the jewelry I would just go out and buy it myself. Im not really sure why I want to get married. I guess so I feel like I wont lose him. Maybe that's stupid and immature but so many people that I am around have problems with their husbands and my boyfriend is so great and I just don't want to let get away. I really feel like I found a great catch and I want to hold onto him forever. Silly I know!
dyermaker Posted February 23, 2004 Posted February 23, 2004 I was kinda waiting for you to hear yourself say that. You want him to marry you so that you won't lose him. If you keep pressuring him, you just might. Enjoy *all* of the stages in your relationship. Look at the numbers, you can see that 50% of girls who marry their boyfriends so they don't lose them, end up doing just that. Marriage is a nest, not a spiderweb, it has to be built by both people.
Author Jenga019 Posted February 23, 2004 Author Posted February 23, 2004 Thanks! You are absolutely right! I could be pushing him away. Doing the very thing I dont want to happen!!! That is really great advice, thanks again! At first I thought you might be an ass but now I see where you were going!
Marty_McFly Posted February 24, 2004 Posted February 24, 2004 Originally posted by Jenga019 I am just hoping for some commitment out of him You've been together 5 years. There's a LOT of implied commitment in a relationship that has lasted that long, especially at your age. There shouldn't be any more "acts of commitment" that you need right now. After this long, marriage is no more likely to keep him from leaving or "getting away" than focusing on growing your relationship even more. If he's like I was, he loves you very deeply, but also doesn't want to rush anything since you have your whole lives to be together. And I don't know anybody who would spend thousands on a ring with no intention of giving it to his girlfriend. You say you guys have a wonderful relationship. I would be thankful for that, and enjoy being together, knowing that in due time you guys will take the next step in life.
dyermaker Posted February 24, 2004 Posted February 24, 2004 Originally posted by Jenga019 At first I thought you might be an ass but now I see where you were going!
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